Pushy parent or encouraging Mother?

[K'Ehleyr]

Where do you draw the line?

Son is on 'study leave' from college, haven't seen too much leaning over the books as yet ~ but there you go

He needs a part time job. Not just for money, but for a sense of responsibility and accomplishment. There's a Japanese restaurant opening up in our town and I've been hinting and hinting to no avail. ~ Son has been studying Japanese for 5 years and is fluent. Even if he starts as a KP he could work up ~ greeter, waiter, cocktail barman, sushi chef!

So tonight I emailed the name on the door of the place and explained the details. Nice man has given me his number and asked Son to call him. I have told Son tonight what I've done and he's like 'OK'. But I feel I need to dial the numbers for him or drag him by the neck down there!

Am I being too pushy? Am I forcing him? The thing is I know he would adore it, he's just a little reticent.

They are going to have the biggest jellyfish tank ever, and Son has already said he would have to name them.

I think it's just 'first job nerves'.

So how did you get your first job? Were you forced into it by an awfully bossy parent or did you do it by yourself?
Also did you enjoy it ~ or just the money?

 

[Luckyflux]

Sometimes a young person needs a little push towards the right direction. I think you are within your rights as Mom.

When he gets older he will need those parenting skills for his own offspring. When his kids flounder he will recall "What would Mom have done..."

 

[Rek]

As a guy with a pushy mom, I'd say back off. Old people(not to be insulting, maybe I should say Parents) tend to forget what its like to be our age...

Pushing me or babying me like I'm 14 instead of 21 makes me do nothing instead of do something. I am old enough to take care of myself. It might take me longer then my parents want or then it took my parents but times have changed.

I don't mean to sound mean, its just IMO.

 

[K'Ehleyr]

^^
I need these different opinions. But now it's time for me to abed! I will go and tuck Son in ~ oh wait he's drinking cider with a girl in his room!
It's 1am here, I have to go to work tomorrow ~ I'm hardly an ogre!
I just need him to know that you should earn things.
Is that too much to ask?

 

[Rek]

I just need him to know that you should earn things.
Is that too much to ask?

He should know that(I paid for my own computer I'm on and my own place I live in with a roommate), and if you think hes taking a free ride on your penny without trying to move on/doesn't understand you earn things, then this is what I think needs to be done: tell him hes old enough that he now needs to starting pay for food and the roof over his head. Set a date for when you expect the payments to start. It doesn't have to be a high, unfair price.

You aren't pushing him to a job of your choice this way, or hinting constantly at him needing to grow up. He's already grown up, its time to take responsibly as a adult(I'm guessing from the fact that hes in college hes either 18-24).

 

[trampledamage]

You aren't pushing him to a job of your choice this way, or hinting constantly at him needing to grow up. He's already grown up, its time to take responsibly as a adult(I'm guessing from the fact that hes in college hes either 18-24).

Since I think K'Eh's asleep - I think her son is 17-ish. College in Britain is also used to describe a sixth form college where they would study A-levels before going to university. I think that's where her boy is.


K'Eh - what I would do, is ask him. "Do you want me to remind you to call the restaurant or should I leave you to it." - that way, if he is interested, but he knows he'll flail and forget, he can say yes. But if he wants to sort things his way, he can say no.

 

[Rek]

You aren't pushing him to a job of your choice this way, or hinting constantly at him needing to grow up. He's already grown up, its time to take responsibly as a adult(I'm guessing from the fact that hes in college hes either 18-24).

Since I think K'Eh's asleep - I think her son is 17-ish. College in Britain is also used to describe a sixth form college where they would study A-levels before going to university. I think that's where her boy is.


K'Eh - what I would do, is ask him. "Do you want me to remind you to call the restaurant or should I leave you to it." - that way, if he is interested, but he knows he'll flail and forget, he can say yes. But if he wants to sort things his way, he can say no.

If hes 17 then maybe paying isn't a good idea then.

 

[propita]

Tell him that you're giving him room and board and such--any pocket money, he has to earn. Then remind him of the possible job and that the money he earns is his.

That way, he's on notice that you're not footing the bill for his going out with friends---no matter what---and he can decide if he wants to go out during the summer or not.

And whether he does or doesn't, remind him that he's adult enough to, at minimum take care of his room and belongings, but preferably do some chores around the house that are well-suited to the time he has available. Nothing strenuous, but some yardwork, doing occasional dishes/laundry, helping with cooking once in a while, etc.

 

[mari]

I got my first job thanks to my mother's connections and prodding, and I really mean "thanks". I wouldn't have applied on my own. It was a pretty easy first job (cashier at a supermarket) and eventually taught me valuable skills like customer service, not killing stupid customers and co-workers, and how to train other people. And it got me over my fear of interviewing and stuff. Well, not "over it" so much as "not paralyzed by it". But still. And the money was good for back then. Also, Mom has not bought me clothes (except as birthday presents) since I got that job, so I learned the value of a pair of jeans, too.

You're his mom, though. You know by now if prodding him is going to backfire into sullen resistance, or result in him going down for an interview. Trust your instinct. If Mom had tried the same thing with my youngest sister, the fight would still be going on today...

 

[Sparky]

College? First Job? Tucking him in? (yes I know that was a joke but it does speak to things.)

It's a game of give and take. You need to give him some freedom but he also needs to take responsibility for it. He can't come back home and expect mommy to take care of everything as well as expect you treat him like an adult. He needs to act like an adult to be treated like an adult. Just remember it is your house so YOU set the rules. Part of being an adult is to respect that. If he is to grow he cannot fall back on old habits just because you are there. Don't be bossy but make sure that he knows that you expect more of him now. A job in a restaurant would probably be a damn good thing for him right now. It would probably teach him more about teamwork, structure and human interaction than any college course could at this point.

 

[Vendikarr]

Where do you draw the line?

Son is on 'study leave' from college, haven't seen too much leaning over the books as yet ~ but there you go

He needs a part time job. Not just for money, but for a sense of responsibility and accomplishment. There's a Japanese restaurant opening up in our town and I've been hinting and hinting to no avail. ~ Son has been studying Japanese for 5 years and is fluent. Even if he starts as a KP he could work up ~ greeter, waiter, cocktail barman, sushi chef!

So tonight I emailed the name on the door of the place and explained the details. Nice man has given me his number and asked Son to call him. I have told Son tonight what I've done and he's like 'OK'. But I feel I need to dial the numbers for him or drag him by the neck down there!

Am I being too pushy? Am I forcing him? The thing is I know he would adore it, he's just a little reticent.

They are going to have the biggest jellyfish tank ever, and Son has already said he would have to name them.

I think it's just 'first job nerves'.

So how did you get your first job? Were you forced into it by an awfully bossy parent or did you do it by yourself?
Also did you enjoy it ~ or just the money?

He's college age, and not in school at the moment. He should be working and paying rent. Not much, but enough for him to begin to understand nothing is free in the adult world.

I say walk you are right in nudging him along. My oldest daughter had to be dragged kicking and screaming into adulthood, but now she's there and doing fine.

 

[Mr Cool Dude]

Where do you draw the line?

Son is on 'study leave' from college, haven't seen too much leaning over the books as yet ~ but there you go

He needs a part time job. Not just for money, but for a sense of responsibility and accomplishment. There's a Japanese restaurant opening up in our town and I've been hinting and hinting to no avail. ~ Son has been studying Japanese for 5 years and is fluent. Even if he starts as a KP he could work up ~ greeter, waiter, cocktail barman, sushi chef!

So tonight I emailed the name on the door of the place and explained the details. Nice man has given me his number and asked Son to call him. I have told Son tonight what I've done and he's like 'OK'. But I feel I need to dial the numbers for him or drag him by the neck down there!

Am I being too pushy? Am I forcing him? The thing is I know he would adore it, he's just a little reticent.

They are going to have the biggest jellyfish tank ever, and Son has already said he would have to name them.

I think it's just 'first job nerves'.

So how did you get your first job? Were you forced into it by an awfully bossy parent or did you do it by yourself?
Also did you enjoy it ~ or just the money?

He's college age, and not in school at the moment. He should be working and paying rent. Not much, but enough for him to begin to understand nothing is free in the adult world.

I say walk you are right in nudging him along. My oldest daughter had to be dragged kicking and screaming into adulthood, but now she's there and doing fine.

I am not a parent, but I totally agree. Drag them kicking and screaming into adulthood if you have to. They might resent you for it now but, when they're mature enough, they should be able to understand what you did for them.

 

[Captain Shaw]

I am not a parent so my advice might not mean much but I do think you should sit him down and tell him to ring for the job either today or of it's too late make sure you throw the phone at him tomorrow moring when you get up.

 

[tkron]

Sometimes you have to push 'em a bit so they don't become the typical lazy college-age bum. Encourage him to get a job related to something that interests him. It doesn't have to be a restaurant; some guys work as a cashier at a movie theater.

 

[Stiletto]

My mom found an application to work at Disneyland that I had picked up somewhere during my senior year of high school. She encouraged me to fill it out and the next day drove me to the interview. AWESOME job! Made new friends, got active, it was great.

A bit of prodding would be fine, I'm sure.

 

[K'Ehleyr]

You aren't pushing him to a job of your choice this way, or hinting constantly at him needing to grow up. He's already grown up, its time to take responsibly as a adult(I'm guessing from the fact that hes in college hes either 18-24).

Since I think K'Eh's asleep - I think her son is 17-ish. College in Britain is also used to describe a sixth form college where they would study A-levels before going to university. I think that's where her boy is.


K'Eh - what I would do, is ask him. "Do you want me to remind you to call the restaurant or should I leave you to it." - that way, if he is interested, but he knows he'll flail and forget, he can say yes. But if he wants to sort things his way, he can say no.

I did turn in and yes Son is 17.
Yesterday he had an A/S philosophy exam and wanted to be woken up at 6.30am to study. He'd spent the whole weekend partying so I was a bit cross with him to start with.
But he did phone me this afternoon at work (first time ever) to say he was going to phone this man and what should he say.
Unfortunately all the calls went straight to answerphone
Son had buildt himself up to do this scarey deed and no answer! Will encourage him to email guy when he gets home.

I got my first job thanks to my mother's connections and prodding, and I really mean "thanks". I wouldn't have applied on my own. It was a pretty easy first job (cashier at a supermarket) and eventually taught me valuable skills like customer service, not killing stupid customers and co-workers, and how to train other people. And it got me over my fear of interviewing and stuff. Well, not "over it" so much as "not paralyzed by it". But still. And the money was good for back then. Also, Mom has not bought me clothes (except as birthday presents) since I got that job, so I learned the value of a pair of jeans, too.

You're his mom, though. You know by now if prodding him is going to backfire into sullen resistance, or result in him going down for an interview. Trust your instinct. If Mom had tried the same thing with my youngest sister, the fight would still be going on today...

Thank you mari. I do trust my instincts and think that this would be a good thing for him. I think everyone should work in a customer service environment at some point.
I left him with clothes in the washer today to be hung out and he's done that, and also mucked out his room

College? First Job? Tucking him in? (yes I know that was a joke but it does speak to things.)

It's a game of give and take. You need to give him some freedom but he also needs to take responsibility for it. He can't come back home and expect mommy to take care of everything as well as expect you treat him like an adult. He needs to act like an adult to be treated like an adult. Just remember it is your house so YOU set the rules. Part of being an adult is to respect that. If he is to grow he cannot fall back on old habits just because you are there. Don't be bossy but make sure that he knows that you expect more of him now. A job in a restaurant would probably be a damn good thing for him right now. It would probably teach him more about teamwork, structure and human interaction than any college course could at this point.

See above answers, but you're right. I want him to go in right at the bottom and work his way up ~ it is the only way to learn about humanity and, indeed, yourself.

Son is now home ~ I have to go...

 

[K'Ehleyr]

Quick update... Son emailed chap on his return home this evening and immediately got a phone call back.
Son has a trial at the restaurant tomorrow at 10.30am to see where he would 'fit in'.

Sorry I didn't get a chance to reply to everyone's earlier answers, but thank you all for your time. And if I can ask any more ~ please keep your fingers crossed for Son's interview

We have decided on the freshly polished shoes, pin striped trousers but can't decide between a red or white shirt!

I'm going red ~ as it is lucky in Japan!

Or white with the grey waistcoat?

Whatever ~ as much as I 'interfered' at least he has a foot in the door, what happens now is up to him.

 

[trampledamage]

Yay! Well done both of you - I hope he passes the trial and enjoys working there!


(look on the bright side - at least he wanted to do some revising, even if it was at the last minute!)

 

[Trilliam]

As a mum with her 4th child doing Yr12/ NSW Higher School Certificate this year (matriculation year), if he is doing his A Levels/ Matric year, I'd back off the job pushing. Yr11 &12 are when they have to concentrate on getting the best ATAR/ TER / University admission score. If he's already in Uni and is on Stuvac, then get on him to get the app in, but let him get through the exams first. Just saw your update:

Neat, tidy hair. Nails trimmed, yep shoes polished (not sneakers/runners/ casual shoes), white shirt with waist coat. However I would be sending him in a blazer/suit coat rather than a waist coat - more professional presentation.

 

[K'Ehleyr]

Yay! Well done both of you - I hope he passes the trial and enjoys working there!


(look on the bright side - at least he wanted to do some revising, even if it was at the last minute!)

LAST MINUTE!!! I'd rather have slept in and have him fail
Joke you know how I am!

But thanks for the good thoughts

As a mum with her 4th child doing Yr12/ NSW Higher School Certificate this year (matriculation year), if he is doing his A Levels/ Matric year, I'd back off the job pushing. Yr11 &12 are when they have to concentrate on getting the best ATAR/ TER / University admission score. If he's already in Uni and is on Stuvac, then get on him to get the app in, but let him get through the exams first. Just saw your update:

Neat, tidy hair. Nails trimmed, yep shoes polished (not sneakers/runners/ casual shoes), white shirt with waist coat. However I would be sending him in a blazer/suit coat rather than a waist coat - more professional presentation.

He has dyed his hair bright pink ~ I think they're going to notice that before the trimmed nails.
I have advised to tell them he is going for the 'Manga' look