TOS Caption Contest #171: Bridge to Nowhere

[Rat Boy]

Laddie, don't you think you should rephrase that, because it's time for another caption contest. First, let's interrogate...

For killing two birds with one stone, our winner is...

"Show me on my ex-wife where you stabbed the Argelian whore."

And for some reason, any time someone holds up two hands, people immediately start thinking of two dicks, as our winner did...

Chekov: You should have seen it Sulu. Lieutenant Uhura bent over to pick up her Padd stylus she dropped on the floor and Mr. Spock took one look at her booty and he got two bulges just like this. It looked like he had antlers in his pants.

And our next winner helped us all take a break from all our worries...

Scotty: "There was a bar in Boston where everyone knew your name."

Chekov: "I know that place; it was managed by a woman from Wulcan."

Normally I don't give our awards for reusing the same gag, but I couldn't help it this time in the case of our Photoshop winner...

Freeman: "This house band SUCKS!!!"

Scotty: "Are ye daft man? These guys kick ass!!! HEY!!! PLAY SOME HENDRIX!!!"

Kirk: "I believe I heard someone request 'Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds' in here!"

Entire bar: "Oh God, not again."


.

Congratulations to the winners! This week, we'll be hanging around the bridge. First up, Sulu's up for about three or four violations of Starfleet's code of conduct policy. Second, the crew finally discovers who's been leaving dandruff flakes all over the ship. And finally, an eerie sneak preview of Star Trek V. Have at:

 

[Rat Boy]

Sulu: "So, going to Spock's quarters after work, huh? You lucky bastard."

Kirk: "No one's going anywhere until we figure out if I left my iron on."

Chekov: "We could just go to your quarters and look."

Kirk: "Shut up!"

Scotty: "This time, lassie, I promise not to squeeze yer buttcheeks and beat off."

Uhura: "Where have I heard that one before?"

 

[Ryan Thomas Riddle]

Sulu: You wanna get penetrated like ol' Joe? 'cept I won't be using a butter knife, but butter will be involved.

Shatner (under his breath): Don't touch the toupee. Don't touch the toupee. You're touching the toupee, Bill. They're gonna figure it out one day.

Scotty: Lass, wanna play stuff the haggis?

Sulu: Riley, man, this shit is kickin'. You really outta get some Jewels of Sound from Beckwith.
Riley: I thought Scotty was the ship's drug dealer.

 

[Rat Boy]

Kirk: "I don't get it. These M&Ms have to be around here somewhere."

 

[cooleddie74]

SULU: Spock's distracted.

Quick, Kevin...grab it before it goes limp!

KIRK: Someone dropped a dollar on the floor up here.

Anyone call it?

SCOTTY: When did the Captain order us to Fire Island?

UHURA: Apparently is was Sulu's idea...don't ask me.

 

[cooleddie74]

RILEY: I can't just LEAVE my post like that! What's wrong with you?!

SULU: Suit yourself, Riley.

That just means more Astroglide and ham for me!

 

[Rat Boy]

Sulu: "I'll protect you, fair maiden!"

Riley: "Sorry, neither!"

Kirk: "Gum on the floor, again? That's it, I'm transferring Rand; I don't care how much she complains!"

Uhura: "There's a leak in the beer distillery."

Scotty: "Borgas frat!"

 

[cooleddie74]

SULU: You've got tight shoulders...work out much?

RILEY: Not around YOU. I hear the stories, Sulu. Don't think I don't.

We've got to do something about these nondescript, big-ass Christmas lights on the wall behind me. They don't DO anything. WHY the hell did the ship's designers even PUT the damn things there?!

SCOTTY: Pass it on...

Doctor McCoy's got anal warts.

AGAIN.

 

[cooleddie74]

SULU: Meet me down in the arboretum in thirty minutes.

I'll show you things you can do with a Rigellian cucumber that will BLOW YOUR MIND. Among other things.

 

[Kirby]

Kirk: "Come on Jim, get a hold of yourself. You did not see a gremlin on the nacelle... you did not see a gremlin on the nacelle."

 

[Maurice]

SULU: Don't feel bad that Spock invited me to join you...he can handle us both, ifyouknowwhatI'msayin'.

SHATNER: Now, where did I put my subtlety?

SCOTTY: Pull my finger.
UHURA: Fuck that. They come off!

 

[Gil T.Azell]

Sulu: "Just remeber I took polaroids, your ass is mine if you slip up."

Uhura: " Sir I have a message from some lawyer for the captain.."

Scotty: "Aye sounds like another paterinty suit in the works."

Kirk: "Now let me think she's eight weeks along, where was I eight weeks ago , and what was I doing?"

Kirk: "Oh shit...."

 

[Maurice]

KIRK: I did "taste the rainbow", and it tasted like crap.
BONES: Those aren't Skittles, you dope!

 

[tharpdevenport]

Sulu/Takei: "Sooo ... I see you are not wearing a red shirt; I guess that means you'll be back next week. Can I keep him?"

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Sulu: "Listen, Kevin, I know you're directly descended from Irish kings. I just want to remind you that every king needs his queen."

Kirk (thinking): "Let's see now...second yellow button down is humidity control...or was it second orange button down... Dammit, why can't we label these things!"

Uhura (irritated): "Something I can help you with, Mr. Scott? Or are you just trying to get a peek down my neckline again?"

 

[Amaris]

Sulu: "After our shift, why don't you join me in the rec room for a little fencing?"
Riley: "I'm sorry, Mr. Sulu, I don't know how to swordfight. Plus, metal blades make me uneasy."
Sulu: "Metal what?"

Kirk: "I hope McCoy can get to the bottom on why I'm having so many sexual problems.
Maybe this subdermal transponder he installed will help find out what's wrong."

Scotty: "Are ye alright lass?"
Uhura: "Hold on a second Scotty, I almost swear I was picking up an old style commercial about Planter's Nuts."

 

[Rat Boy]

Kirk wonders if giving Lieutenant Thing Addams a bridge post was such a good idea.

 

[6079SmithW]

Scotty: Uhura, have ye ever noticed how people wearing red seem to just die off every week around here? I mean, it almost seems like some kind of conspiracy.

Uhura: Mr. Scott! Surely you are not trying to imply that Starfleet discriminates against people like us who wear red and is operating some secret program to eradicate us from the population?! The Federation was founded on equality.

Scotty: Oh, no! I'm not implying anything like that at all, Lass. I'm just saying...(whispers) watch your back.

 

[Maurice]

NICHOLLS: And then Dr. King said, "Nichelle--"
DOOHAN: Shut up! Shut up! SHUT UP!

 

[Rat Boy]

Sulu: "Oh yeah, we'll see you on deck eight! Kevin's going to kick your ass!"

Riley: "Uh, maybe we shouldn't..."

Sulu: "Quiet. I've got fifty you'll go down after the first punch."

Kirk: "Was that Code 1 1 A or Code 1 A 1? God, I should write this stuff down."

Uhura: "It's a boy! His name's Peter!"

Scotty: "Peter Preston! God, I hope he doesn't turn out to be a pansy like my brother-in-law."