Happy Day!

[the Dagman]

I am riding a high of happiness right now!

25 years ago I lost touch with my best friend, the closest thing I ever had to a brother, throughout junior high and high school. For all this time I've wondered what happened to him. He had a terrible home life, and his father shunted him off to foster care at the end of our freshman year in high school. We kept in touch for a few years after that, but we last saw each other back just before my 19th birthday.

Over the years I would periodically search for him without success. Back in 2001 I ran into his father. They were estranged, having not seen each other in years. The last he had heard he was seen by an aunt in Oakland's Jack London Square and he was homeless. At the time, his father sounded like he was full of regret and self-recrimination over the state of his relationship with his son.

So a few days ago I was doing another of my periodic searches for him. And I found a trace. That trace led me to another, and then another. I found that he was doing some work with the St. Vincent dePaul centers in Oakland and their Champion Outreach center. So I took a shot. I called the center and left a message for him to call me and left my number.

And to my surprise and delight, he called me a couple of hours ago! We talked and talked and set up some plans for him to come over to my place so I can see him and make him some dinner. He is now homeless again after breaking up with his wife of 10 years a few months back due to his inability to hold a job in this economy.

I have some trepidation. 25 years is a long time and people can change. But I will see him and try to tell if he is still the same guy I thought of like a brother, that I could trust with my life to the end of the Earth. And if he is, I am in a position where I can help him. I have a spare bedroom that I am using for storage. And a spare mattress as well. And a bicycle that just needs some minor work to get running. So I can provide him with a roof and transportation to help him get a job and back onto his feet. If I can still trust him.

So while I am excitedly happy to hear from him, I am aware that may be affecting my judgment. Let me hear your comments. What would you do in my shoes? Is there something I am missing? Let's hear it.

 

[RJDiogenes]

I would certainly be very careful about letting him become too dependent on you, or getting into a situation that's difficult to get out of. I'm very happy for you and I hope that this reunion will be good for you both, but it does sound like this guy must have some social or emotional difficulties, given his recurrent bouts with homelessness. It's very good of you to feel generosity toward him, but remember that people in his situation more often than not need firmness more than indulgence.

 

[K'Ehleyr]

That's so cool Dagman! Good for you!
I'd say trust your intuition (do men have intuition?) and see what he's like when you meet.
I have 2 friends from 20 odd yrs ago who I still adore as much as when we were teens, but we always stayed in touch, allbeit with big gaps.
The only schoolfriend who got in touch after all those years apart was not such a success ~ we had gone in completely different directions. But you'll never know 'til you try.
You obviously have the right mindset to meet him. I wish you both all the best and hope you can relive the memories If nothing else it will be a hell of a night!

 

[TheLonelySquire]

I think what you're doing is great. Caring for people, when it comes from the heart, is the best thing we can do as people.

 

[Joshua Howard]

I would certainly be very careful about letting him become too dependent on you, or getting into a situation that's difficult to get out of. I'm very happy for you and I hope that this reunion will be good for you both, but it does sound like this guy must have some social or emotional difficulties, given his recurrent bouts with homelessness. It's very good of you to feel generosity toward him, but remember that people in his situation more often than not need firmness more than indulgence.

Seconded.

I can understand how amazing it can seem to possibly reunite with an old friend. Nevertheless, I have encountered a number of circumstances in my own life wherein my compassion or poorly thought out willingness to lend a hand or become involved in another person's life has turned into a long, laborious, and uncomfortable situation.

I am the sort of person who - if I meet someone who asks for help - is inclined to lend a hand. One small but notable example of this was when I offered a suddenly homeless coworker a temporary place to stay. Ultimately, I regretted getting involved.

It is important to look - when you analyze someone else in need - at your own way of dealing with circumstances at hand. Would you ask for help if you found yourself in X Circumstances, or would you innovate and fix your problems on your own? It's like the folks who walk up to me on the street and ask for a dollar.

I don't question the fact that there are people going through rough times, or that if the wrong things happened, I could be one of them; but then again, the chance that I would actually lower myself to the level of begging for cash from people is somewhere around 0%.

Someone who tends to have serious issues that threaten their ability to be socio-economically prosperious isn't necessarily a bad person; but more than just sympathy or support - as in free boarding and services on the house - they need a coach to help make sure that they are involved with the labor market and proactively doing what they must do to become successful.

What I have already said runs the risk of being redundant, so I'll stop now; and not to rain on the parade, this does indeed sound like an exciting event. I wish you the best of luck!

 

[the Dagman]

Yes, believe me, I am filled with trepidation.

My heart is saying I have to help my friend. I know he got a raw deal from his father back in our teens. And that when he decided he didn't want to bother anymore, he callously sent his son away to live in various foster homes. This was on top on near constant mental, verbal and periodically physical abuse he inflicted upon his son. And on top of this, my friend's mother died tragically the year before I met him. And his father had remarried already by the time we met. To a stern woman determined to replace his mother even as my friend was still struggling with her loss. Like I said in my OP, a terrible home life. And it doesn't leave much for a familial support group if/when shit happens in life.

But my head is telling me to be cautious. 25 years have passed and people do change over time. Don't make any offers besides a meal until I can talk to him face to face and see if there is anything of my friend still there now in this 43 year old man. And even if there is, I should not just swing open my doors to him free and clear. If he is to stay for any length of time, we should talk about some rent. Even if it is just bartering for services in exchange for the room to start until he gets a job (if he doesn't have one now). It might be nice to have someone around to do all my house cleaning. And it would be stated that he has to actively look for work or be working. So a hand-up, not a hand-out. And that even if he were to live here, it would still be my house and he has to respect that.

Right now, I am thinking it would be best to listen to my head. But when I see him, I know my heart is going to be pushing to dominate my decision. I tend to be that way IRL. Hell, I have already spoken to my mother to see if it would be okay with her to invite him to our Thanksgiving dinner. (And she said yes) I give friends the benefit of the doubt and many chances. I was raised to offer hospitality to those people I call friend or family. And my current group of friends have stated numerous times that I give people a lot more slack than anyone else would. I dare say, it is in my nature. And there are times I wish I could repress it (like with 2 of the first 3 roommates I had back when I first moved out of my parents house in my early 20s). But I am insured. So if he were to rip me off, at least I would be covered for any property loss.

So I need to work on suppressing my heart until my head gets on board, if it does. Any suggestions that could help?

 

[trampledamage]

Try resisting the desire to offer him a room straight away. Even if you are certain he's the friend he always was, try and wait until at least the next day before making the offer. That way you can reflect by yourself and make sure you're happy.

 

[Kestra]

He is now homeless again after breaking up with his wife of 10 years a few months back due to his inability to hold a job in this economy.

This is not the only reason they got divorced. I don't know them, I can't speak for certain, but it would be completely absurd if they were married for ten years and split over this. There are probably other things going on, and if nothing else he is probably in an unstable emotional state. I would be very careful not about rebuilding a friendship, but about letting him live in your home.

Also he is not the same man he was twenty-five years ago. People change, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse, sometimes just ... different. Get to know the person he is now before making any significant decisions.

 

[the Dagman]

Well, I made a few calls tonight and I think I have now outdone myself. I found him a job opening at a local book binding print shop. The job is basically his if he wants it. I have some contacts there that make it a virtual lock, as long as he doesn't mess things up.

This will teach him how wrong he's been not to keep in touch with me for the last 25 years. One day, and he gets an opening for everything he needs to get back on his feet. As long as he shows me I can trust him, and he lives up to that trust. At times I forget just how connected I am. I rarely impress myself, but this has been one of those days.

 

[RJDiogenes]

You're a good man, Charlie Brown. Your friend is very lucky. I hope he doesn't let you down.

 

[trampledamage]

Well, I made a few calls tonight and I think I have now outdone myself. I found him a job opening at a local book binding print shop. The job is basically his if he wants it. I have some contacts there that make it a virtual lock, as long as he doesn't mess things up.

This will teach him how wrong he's been not to keep in touch with me for the last 25 years. One day, and he gets an opening for everything he needs to get back on his feet. As long as he shows me I can trust him, and he lives up to that trust. At times I forget just how connected I am. I rarely impress myself, but this has been one of those days.

Okay, now don't forget to let your head get a word in edgeways

 

[the Dagman]

Well, I made a few calls tonight and I think I have now outdone myself. I found him a job opening at a local book binding print shop. The job is basically his if he wants it. I have some contacts there that make it a virtual lock, as long as he doesn't mess things up.

This will teach him how wrong he's been not to keep in touch with me for the last 25 years. One day, and he gets an opening for everything he needs to get back on his feet. As long as he shows me I can trust him, and he lives up to that trust. At times I forget just how connected I am. I rarely impress myself, but this has been one of those days.

Okay, now don't forget to let your head get a word in edgeways

Yes ma'am!

This last feat I did without hardly trying though. One of my contacts there is my best friend of the last 25 years (how's that for irony?), and I was just chatting with him about the good news of finding my old friend. Then he tells me his workplace could use a new employee and he could get him in. Which he would do based on my final say. Plus, I have done some freelance IT work for this company. So putting me down for a reference definitely would not hurt.

The job is an entry-level position. But if he does well, they will get him into the union. And the pay is decent too.

So this is still contingent on him showing me we can still be friends and I can trust him. I am not going to blow my contacts, nor offer to open my home to him, without being sure. But still, this has me riding a natural high that I haven't felt in years. And that I could put this together within a single day in this economy... I haven't felt this good about myself in a long, long time. I may have found a new calling as some kind of a social worker, given that helping people makes me feel this good.

 

[RandyS]

I hope this works out for you Dagman. I am in a similar situiation, and am curious to see what you do. My brother, who I haven't seen in almost seven years has been attempting to contact me. When we split, he was drinking heavily, and was verbally and emotionally abusivse to both me and my mom for years. He claims to have changed, but then, he's claimed that before, and let us down every time. I admit, I miss him, but he's treated me like shit so often that I just don't know if it's worth it to risk it again.

I hope things work out with your friend.

 

[the Dagman]

Wow, it has been a whirlwind of a few days. It seems as if fate has determined that I am to have a roommate soon, no matter what. I'll fill you in.

First, no further contact as yet with that long lost old friend. Over the last few days, I have decided I was jumping the gun way too quickly. Thinking of opening my doors to rooming with him after not knowing him for the last 25 years? Too soon. Be his friend and offer him some dinner? Sure. I even got a line on more possible jobs. So I can give him my leads, names of people to contact, tell them I sent him, etc. If there is a job to be had, he would get it. That would have to do for now. I came to this conclusion while sleeping on it last Friday night, after hearing from my friend on Thursday.

So late Saturday afternoon I get a call from my mother. It seems my sister's ex-husband and his husband (no typo there) have decided to pack up, leave the area and move to a cabin-like community in the California Sierras, and they will be doing so in mere weeks. Already giving notice at their current home. So that's all fine and dandy, except for one detail. My sister's oldest boy, now 22 and without much means, has been living with his father since my sister packed up for Oregon some 4.5 years ago and he did not go because of college. And this move of his father's will have the effect of booting his son to the street.

I think it is obvious where this is heading. This boy and his brother, they are the closest thing I have to children of my own. And he's 22 now, so yes, I realize he's grown. But, he's blood. Family. I was raised so that when family needs help, you help. So yes, I told my mother I would let him stay with me. As her place has no real space for him to move in. So, it is uncle to the rescue.

I am such a f-ing push over.

The boy has just gotten started in a new job. He's a rep for AAA in a new customer service center they have opened in the local Lucky's store, next to the in-store Bank of America. And once they get settled, get more people using them (DMV business while grocery shopping), his hours are supposed to increase. It was hard to get his leg in the door. And now, he has a good shot for advancement and a good career. I am hoping his hours increase soon, and he is able to move into a place of his own a couple of months down the road. Thus I realize he needs to save money so that when he goes to full-time, he will need to have the funds to move on it.

So, I decided that yes, he can stay with me. But it won't be for free and I won't make it too comfortable. He should be able to and actually be saving his money however. I have decreed that he will not ever have any guests over. If he is to hang with friends, it will be at their place, not mine. And I would not charge him an actual rent, but that he would pay the monthly power bill and the AT&T bill. The two combined for me range from $80 to $100 a month if the heater is on. So if they go any higher, that is directly from his use anyway. It makes him pay for any long distance calls he makes on the house phone too.

And then he buys his own food, which he keeps in a mini-fridge I have that he will use. And in addition to those bills, he will do chores around the house as well. I gave him bathroom detail. Along with trash detail and he gets to mop the kitchen floor too. A pretty small price to pay for a roof over your head, I would say. So I help him until he gets on his feet, and I make my mother and sister happy with me. Instead of pissing them both off and my nephew living in his truck, likely losing his new job. All for the cost of my privacy.

 

[RJDiogenes]

I think you're better off with your nephew than with the old friend. And if the old friend tries to hit you up for a place to live, you now have an excuse to put him off. Good deal all around, as long as it doesn't last too long.