TOS Caption Contest #145: The Waiting Is The Hardest Part

[John Picard]

Kirk: <filtered> "Attention. This is the Captain. Due to budget cuts throughout the Federation, many of you will have to be furloughed once the ship reaches Starbase 4. I know this will be difficult for many of you; however, I trust you will all be professional and perform your jobs in the usual manner until we arrive."

 

[Ryan Thomas Riddle]

Spock: That's it. Run it off, fat ass. You'll never be the sexy thing I once fell in love with if you keep eating those puff pastries. Come on, you don't want to be a tub of lard forever.
Kirk: <whimpers> You're so mean.

 

[Rat Boy]

Radar: "I'm sure of it sir. There's something very familiar about that Dr. Dehner."

 

[Tribble]

All hands. Running!Spock is having one of his days. Please move very carefully in the corridors and stay close to the walls.

 

[Ryan Thomas Riddle]

Radar: "I'm sure of it sir. There's something very familiar about that Dr. Dehner."

Spock: I understand that there is a bet between Gary Mitchell and Mr. Kelso as to whether or not Doctor Dehner's "carpet matches her drapes."
Radar: Yes, sir.
Spock: Put me down for 50 credits against.

Uhura (filtered): ...I said, "Battlestations," bitches. Youz better not just be standing there looking at the damn speaker again or else I'm gonna half ta whoop some lazy asses!

Scotty (filtered): Captain Kirk, Mr. Spock, and Doctor McCoy have left the ship. Brake out your shit and smoke 'em while you can.

Spock: Suicide is hardly painless, Radar. The song is illogical.

 

[Hambone]

Spock: What's that you're writing, Ensign?
Chekov: Words of Wisdom. See what I do is, copy down cool shit that you and the Captain and Dr. McCoy say. I plan on writing a book when this mission is over.
Spock: Well, let's see what you have so far.
Chekov: All right, look at this... (reading) "Sometimes you've got to crack a few eggs to make an omelet."
Spock: You've got to crack a few eggs to make an omelet?
Chekov: Yeah, you gotta crack an egg.
Spock: When did anyone say that?
Chekov: I think you said it. Or someone did. Anyway, it's good advice. Sort of a life lesson.
Spock: So you're throwing down life lessons now?
Chekov: I'm throwing down eggs!
Spock: Class is in session, Chekov's teaching class now!
Chekov: I'm cracking eggs of wisdom!

 

[John Picard]

Spock: "Radar, Doctor McCoy needs an assistant to record the results of the female crew members' nude jumping jacks."

Radar: "Female nude jumping jacks....Sir? Aw gee, I don...."

Spock: "Shuttle Bay Two. Fifteen hundred hours. That's 8 minutes from now."

Radar looks around meekly and dashes into the turbolift.

 

[tharpdevenport]

Carl Spock: "...all female personnel are required to attend a lengthy debriefing of the Captain's Log..."

Ensign RADAR: "Captain's log debriefing for non male members..."

Carl Spock: "Ensign Tuttle will be out sick again today..."

Ensign RADAR: "Find replacement for Tuttle again..."

Carl Spock: "And bring me some bitches 'n' hoes."

Ensign RADAR: "Pretend ladies like you..."

Carl Spock: "Hey -- I heard that."

Ensign RADAR: "Pays attention more than previously suspected..." continues to write.


OR...


Ensign RADAR: "Everyone ... Captain Kirk's shuttle was hit by Klingon fire. It's veered toward a moon, spun in ... there were no survivors."

Carl Spock: "MuwahahahA! Bitches."

 

[The Laughing Vulcan]

Spock: "What do you have there, Ensign?"
Chekov: "It is a Death Note, sair. Anyvun who I feel is unvorthy get's written down here, and it's off to Siberia, metaphorically speaking."
Spock: "Do you have anyone in mind?"
Chekov: "Thet bastard Radar. He's getting more keption time then me... How do you spell O'Reilly, vith a wee or a dubblejoo?"
Spock: "Idiot!"
Chekov: "I know how to spell Spock, you know."

 

[Yeoman Randi]

Carl Spock: "If i show up on "Fringe" Rat Boy and Shatmandu's heads will likely explode."

Radar: "We wouldn't want that sir."

Carl Spock: "Indeed."

 

[John Picard]

Spock: "Radar, whatever it is -- sign it, cancel it, or order five more. "

 

[John Picard]

Spock: "The crew hates me, don't they?"

Radar: "Just your guts, sir."

 

[Maurice]

Spock: Suicide is hardly painless, Radar. The song is illogical.

RADAR: It's a reference to "Painless Pole" Waldowski, the unit's dentist, sir.
SPOCK: Ah yes, the one who looks like a Klingon. Carry on.

SPOCK: I wonder how such a degenerated person ever reached a position of authority in the Starfleet Medical Corps.
RADAR: He was drafted.

 

[Nerys Myk]

RADAR: They're here sir.

SPOCK: Who's here?

RADAR: The pros from Dover.

 

[Maurice]

RADAR: Did you finish the papers?
SPOCK: What?
RADAR: You don't know about the papers?
SPOCK: What papers?
RADAR: The captain left some papers.
SPOCK: Why didn't you tell me about the papers?

 

[Shatmandu]

Spock: "I know I'm usually pretty reserved, Miss Uhura, but I heard that fart through the bulkhead and had to knock."

 

[26138]

Spock: Nurse Chapel, I have been informed that you like Mexican waffles. Shall we arrange breakfast for 8:00 tomorrow morning?

 

[Rat Boy]

Chapel: "Wait Mister Spock, they just greased...!"

<Spock slips, breaks his hip>

 

[Jptrekker]

Spock: Mr. O'Reilly, have you seen Lt. Sulu recently.
Radar: Last I saw him, he was chasing Klinger through the corridors of deck five.

 

[Jptrekker]

Henry: Chekov, do you know what this desk is made of?
Chekov: Woak.
Henry: Nope, oak.
Chekov: Thats vhut I sed, woak.
Henry: No, oak, what are you deaf or something?