TOS Caption Contest #145: The Waiting Is The Hardest Part

Spock: "Indulge my curiosity, Ensign. Your speech impendiment causes you to transpose your v's and your w's?"
Chekov: "Vhat speech impendiment?"
Spock: "Indeed. What I wish to know is, is your name actually Chekow?"
Chekov under breath: "Wulcan Vanker!"

 

Spock, whispering: Captain, you might want to know that your trousers are missing a significant amount of fabric in the area of your behind.
Kirk: It's supposed to be that way.
Spock: Human fashion never seizes to surprise me...
Kirk: Care for a personal lesson in human fashion later in my quarters?

Later in the Captain's quarters:



Spock: I've done some research. Assless chaps, eh?
Kirk: I'm glad you caught my drift.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Break time was taken very seriously in the Ministry of Silly Walks. Everyone was encouraged not to walk, and look as serious as possible while doing so.

 

Chekov, over intercom: "Repeat, be on de lookout vor a Wulcan Vanker on board de ship. A Wulcan Vanker."

 

Spock: Is it Grignak the Fish-Looking Coffee-Selling Asswipe?
Chekov shakes his head.
Spock: Is it Conway Twitty?
Chekov shakes his head.
Spock: Is it Explosive-Diarrhea McCoy?
Chekov shakes his head.
Spock: So who is it?
Chekov turns the padd around:

 

SPOCK: I want the dog fed, the cat out, and the gate locked. And leave a note for the milkman; no more cheese! Got that?

Chekov: (murmuring) got it...more cheese.

 

Spock: What do you hear, ensign?
Chekov: Nothing but the rain, sair.
Spock: Grab your phaser and bring the sehlat home.

 

Spock: B5.
Chekov: You sank my battleship!



Kirk <over intercom>: Attention crew. From now on Tuesdays will be known as T-days.
Spock <in background>: What about Thursdays?
Kirk: Attention crew. Belay that last announcement.



Spock <whispering>: It's my turn to ring the bell.

 

Kirk: "We are the committee to determine whether or not this episode needs more cowbell."

 

Mr. Kyle: "I have a fever."

McCoy: "The prescription for you is more cowbell. <Spock rings bell> Next."

Chekov: "I haff a weever."

McCoy: "Nude jumping jacks, Chekov. Nude jumping jacks."

 

^ LOL



Kirk <over intercom>: Attention crew. From now on all duty stations will alternate boy-girl boy-girl.
Spock <in background>: What about nursing staff?
Kirk: Attention crew. Belay that last announcement.

 

Spock (reading): "The corps is mother. The corps is father." What corps?
Chekov: That is for me to know and for you to find out.

 

Chekov (thinking): Ever since eweryone started mistaking me for Anton Yelchin, dey keep asking for my autogwaph.

 

Starfleet HR associate (off screen): "This is serious gentlemen, so pay attention. Let's go over 'the Letterman regulation' once again since some of you seem to be having an issue with relations with females who serve under your command. Hey, Kirk, seriously, eyes up here, you need to pay particular attention to this."

 

Spock: <dictating a memo to Starfleet Command> "...with supplies running low. We can barely maintain the temperature of the ship."
Checkov: <writing>
Spock: "Boy, it's so cold that my thighs don't know each other anymore."
Checov: "<mumbling>..thighs don't know each other anymore."
Spock: "<resigned> Checkov, don't write that part down."

Inspired by the MASH episode, The Longjohn Flap.

 

Spock: "Extricating your hand from the 3-ring binder is a simple matter, Ensign. Simply pop open the rings. Then merely slide your hand off the prong that impales it."

Chekov: "But Meester Spock, de blood vrom my hend vill ruin my 6th-glade home-vork."

Spock, mumbling: "3-ring binder... more like 3-ring circus...."

 

Spock: <dictating> "....and unless payment of 2 million credits is received by next week, I will publicly expose your sexual exploits with female staff members to the entire universe."

Chekov: "and you vant me to put it een his car, Meester Spock? Vot planet is he on at the moment?"

Spock: "I believe he is currently stationed on Ceti Alpha 6, Ensign. Please deliver this personally, and don't beam down to the wrong planet"

 

There's a winner right there.

 

Vhat'll it be hon?
Salad with Thousand Island dressing.
<looks up with one eye>Ve only have Russian dressing.
Bu - Very well.
Be right back hon. <rollerskates away>




Kirk <over intercom>: Attention crew. From now on in the interest of a gender-sensitive workplace all crew will wear miniskirts three days a week.
Spock <in background>: What about Mr Scott?
Kirk: Attention crew. Belay that last announcement.

 

Kirk: "Is that Leonidas? I haven't seen him in a while."

Spock: "I think it is, sir. How very observant of you."

McCoy: "What the hell is he doing to the Balok Puppet?"

Scott: "Back home we call that The Kilt Cleaner."

 

Due to a mix-up back at Starfleet Command by a dyslexic clerk all of the Vulcan Science officers in the Fleet were replaced by doorstops.