Spanking bad for kids?

[Mistral]

http://news.yahoo.com/s/hsn/20090915/hl_hsn/earlyspankingsmakeforaggressivetoddlersstudyshows

What an interesting article. As a father of a 3 yr old, I'm telling you that a spanking-held out as a last resort and with clearly defined parameters that will lead to it, is probably the best behavioral modifier. My boy knows at what point we reach that level of discipline and works hard not to push the limits. I think the difference is abuse vs firm limits. Your take?

 

[Robert Maxwell]

Well, I can see the problem right in the report--if you're spanking your kid an average of three times a week, you've got a problem.

There are plenty of ways to correct behavior besides spanking. I agree, it is a last resort.

The worst punishment we can mete out to our four-year-old is to make her sit and do nothing--nothing to play with, nothing interesting to look at. Just sit there and be bored. She absolutely hates it.

 

[cultcross]

Well, I can see the problem right in the report--if you're spanking your kid an average of three times a week, you've got a problem.

Bingo.
When I say "I was spanked and it didn't harm me", I mean I was spanked about 3 times ever. As a last resort, a really serious punishment. Not as a casual method of day-to-day discipline.

 

[Deranged Nasat]

Well, I can see the problem right in the report--if you're spanking your kid an average of three times a week, you've got a problem.

Bingo.
When I say "I was spanked and it didn't harm me", I mean I was spanked about 3 times ever. As a last resort, a really serious punishment. Not as a casual method of day-to-day discipline.

Same here, and I too agree.

 

[cultcross]

I think (and I quite acknowledge that I'm pulling this out of where the sun don't shine, I ain't a parent) that the issue with many 'discipline problem' kids who 'need' to be smacked a lot, yelled at, etc. is that many parents don't grasp or accept that day to day discipline is hard work. Teaching kids 'no means no' early on sounds like a good idea (because it is) but it's a job of some serious work, and will come with a lot of aggravation, some tantrums, some 'i hate you mommy's. But it will pay off later. I think a lot of parents look for a quick fix, something they can do that will immediately turn their kid into an angel in one easy session at no cost to them. Yelling and screaming and hitting achieve more instant results, so they do that. The fact that the results are much more temporary means they have to keep doing that.

 

[Deranged Nasat]

I think (and I quite acknowledge that I'm pulling this out of where the sun don't shine, I ain't a parent) that the issue with many 'discipline problem' kids who 'need' to be smacked a lot, yelled at, etc. is that many parents don't grasp or accept that day to day discipline is hard work. Teaching kids 'no means no' early on sounds like a good idea (because it is) but it's a job of some serious work, and will come with a lot of aggravation, some tantrums, some 'i hate you mommy's. But it will pay off later. I think a lot of parents look for a quick fix, something they can do that will immediately turn their kid into an angel in one easy session at no cost to them. Yelling and screaming and hitting achieve more instant results, so they do that. The fact that the results are much more temporary means they have to keep doing that.

I agree again, even though I am also pulling it from The Place Where The Sun Does Not Shine, because I am not yet a parent either .

 

[Robert Maxwell]

I think (and I quite acknowledge that I'm pulling this out of where the sun don't shine, I ain't a parent) that the issue with many 'discipline problem' kids who 'need' to be smacked a lot, yelled at, etc. is that many parents don't grasp or accept that day to day discipline is hard work. Teaching kids 'no means no' early on sounds like a good idea (because it is) but it's a job of some serious work, and will come with a lot of aggravation, some tantrums, some 'i hate you mommy's. But it will pay off later. I think a lot of parents look for a quick fix, something they can do that will immediately turn their kid into an angel in one easy session at no cost to them. Yelling and screaming and hitting achieve more instant results, so they do that. The fact that the results are much more temporary means they have to keep doing that.

I agree again, even though I am also pulling it from The Place Where The Sun Does Not Shine, because I am not yet a parent either .

I am a parent, and I agree with both of you.

You have to start early. You have to. They have to learn early on that "no" means "no," and if you tell them to do something, by God, they'd better do it. There's no need to be an ogre about it, though. My two oldest kids are 4 and 2 and they clean up their room on their own. It's not that hard, either. "We won't go to the park until your room is clean." Or, "You can't swim in the pool until your room is clean." They go in there and tear it up, they're gonna pick it up before they go do something else.

The only time they really get spanked at all is if they do something they absolutely should know they aren't supposed to do, like go outside by themselves without asking, or feeding their food to the dogs. Those things happen rather rarely because we didn't let it get out of control in the first place.

You always start with gentle redirection and work your way up. You don't go straight for the swat.

I've met parents who just plain didn't discipline their kids at all. These are the kids who are holy terrors by age 7, and end up hopped up on various pills because they never learned how to behave and it's easier to just screw with their brain chemicals than actually discipline them.

By contrast, I am very much against medicating--I see it as a last resort when all other therapies have failed. Our daughter had seizures when she was an infant, and we gradually weaned her off of her meds when she was 2, to see if she would do okay. The doctor wanted to keep her on the pills forever. Well, she hasn't had a seizure in two years, so she's probably outgrown it. We'll see.

In short, I think a lot of parents use spanking as a "quick fix," the same way they do everything else. There are no quick fixes. It takes persistence and patience.

 

[Deckerd]

Never spanked mine and she's a well-balanced, sociable 25 year-old.

So yes, from my perspective, spanking is bad for kids.

 

[Saturn0660]

Well, I can see the problem right in the report--if you're spanking your kid an average of three times a week, you've got a problem.

There are plenty of ways to correct behavior besides spanking. I agree, it is a last resort.

The worst punishment we can mete out to our four-year-old is to make her sit and do nothing--nothing to play with, nothing interesting to look at. Just sit there and be bored. She absolutely hates it.

True enough.. The worst thing I can do to my son and daughter is make them sit in the stairwell where they can HEAR the tv but not see it...

 

[1001001]

I've never spanked either of my children. It's not necessary.

I think there's a misperception that if you don't spank your kids, you're automatically too lenient and they'll be spoiled, etc. That is pure nonsense. You can be a strict parent with firm rules and high expectations without resorting to violence. It just takes more time and effort, which sadly some parents don't want to make.

I always tell my clients that if you have to hit a child to get them to do what you want, the child has outsmarted you.

 

[DiSiLLUSiON]

Parents who hit their children more then once or twice in their lifetime either feel completely powerless (and thus resort to spanking), or have no love for their kids. Seems generalizing, but that's really how I feel about it.

To clarify: There's always another option, no matter how a pain-in-the-ass your kid can be.

 

[Robert Maxwell]

Kids who hit their children more then once or twice in their lifetime either feel completely powerless (and thus resort to spanking), or have no love for their kids. Seems generalizing, but that's really how I feel about it.

This only convinces me I'm doing the right thing.

 

[Nerys Ghemor]

Kids who hit their children more then once or twice in their lifetime either feel completely powerless (and thus resort to spanking), or have no love for their kids. Seems generalizing, but that's really how I feel about it.

There's a third possibility--spanking can be a community problem...ignorance in the literal sense. This is something I've seen, where entire communities quite literally seem not to know any better as to how to raise a child, especially a boy. In these cases I don't think these are bad people, but a LOT of education is needed. Or possibly law--though I'm torn about that because there IS that LAST resort some of you have described, that may be legitimate in cases where a child's disobedience would put them in immediate danger.

 

[Deckerd]

If you slapped your wife around 3 times a week it wouldn't be considered acceptable.

 

[jamestyler]

If you slapped your wife around 3 times a week it wouldn't be considered acceptable.

Yes, but I assume my wife wouldn't smear poo on the floor, pee in the bath find it funny then lie about it or intentionally steal, break things or any of the other stuff I've witnessed.

I've never had to spank my own child and I have no intention of it as she responds very well to being disciplined with words and tone and all that good stuff.

However... I have seen children spanked on occasion (never three times a week, or three times in a childhood) who often don't respond to such things that well and that's not because the parent has given up at the first hurdle, this is after YEARS of doing it the way people are told these days is the right way.

Sometimes some parents don't have any other resort for many, many reasons. It's easy to look down on seeing a kid get spanked, but then I'm told I'm lucky to have such a well behaved and responsive daughter so I honestly couldn't grasp or judge a lot of parents motivations.

 

[Deckerd]

If hitting another adult isn't acceptable then an adult hitting something a fraction of the size of him/her is even less acceptable.

 

[thumbtack]

I've always preferred hanging. Although the guillotine would also be acceptable under certain circumstances.

 

[jamestyler]

Reading that and your previous post, it sounds more like a knockout blow to the face. That and I can't help but think a lot of adults quite like a good spanking...

It's not necessary for my daughter or for many children... but I've seen times with other parents where it has on occasion been a last resort - I got that last resort when I was a kid and I'm reasonably normal - and seeing that, I wouldn't apply my methods to everyone all of the time.

 

[Robert Maxwell]

If hitting another adult isn't acceptable then an adult hitting something a fraction of the size of him/her is even less acceptable.

Children are not miniature adults.

 

[Mistral]

Very interesting views. I'd have to say that at least some of these observations were made by people who have obviously had enough sleep. Very calm, very well thought out. My advice to any parent, based on my own experience, is don't act on your first impulse if you are stressed/tired. Not always easy to do, as any parent will tell you, since any healthy, active child under ten will probably have you tired and/or stressed. Personally, I make a point of explaining why certain behavior is not allowed-it seems to help the situation quite a bit. As long as I sound reasonable, my boy tends to respond well. But there are moments....