Married Men -- no all Men I have question.

[Trekker4747]

I've been tentative about starting this thread but the weekend is nearing and I need to deal with this situation.

I'm having a small issue with the guy next door to me at the upstate place.

Back in July he started making unwanted advanced towards me while his wife was not there for the weekend. I was very very direct and blunt and told him to get the fuck off me and our "relationship" shan't be taking that turn. He still kept grabbing me, attempting to kiss me and just touching me in general. Each time I let him have it...nobody is going to touch me that I don't want...period. I told him he's married and nothing will ever happen so I gave him a pass because he was drunk and I figured it was over and that he probably felt stupid the next day.....Wrong...the next weekend he comes right into my screened in porch...INTO MY HOUSE ...thank god my nephew was with me) . I reiterated that we ain't hangin out like that and he seemed fine with it. He also apologized for his behavoir (sp) the prior weekend so I was pleased.

Then I started noticing that every time he passes by in his car that he is staring at my place as he goes by and it just creeps me the fuck out. There's a bend in the road...muthafucka should be lookin straight ahead....what's he trying to see...??? Me in a skanky t-shirt?

Anyway, so it's the next weekend now (end of July) and he "runs" into me again which was totally manufactured by him and he asks me if I'm alone there... I've had a pretty steady guest list upstate since July -- so someone was always coming up to "save" me....

So I think this is all over and done with but here again last weekend this bastard stops his car in front of my house and yells out to me (my house is about 75 feet from the road too...its not right there) and asks me if I was alone again. (and I was!) . I mean WTF here???
I lied and told him I had some friends coming up..I was put on the spot and caught off guard because I couldn't believe that he was asking me this yet again. And more importantly why is he asking me....WHY?????????? I was very clear!!!!!!

So here's my question. Obviously I want this hairy little beast to leave me alone and it's a shame too as he was a good neighbor to talk to from time to time...but anyway I was thinking that if he asks me this crap again I'm going to say "what part of we're not hanging out do you not understand? If you can't comprehend this then I'll be forced to go to Jean (his wife) and have her explain this to you"...

So Married men...if you were pulling this shit and you heard that....that would squash it................RIGHT?????????? Right???

I'm sorry for this long post but it made me feel better.

This guy's actions fill me with much concern and, unfortuantly, there's not much you can do right now to keep him away from you for good (short of moving) getting a restraining order may be a good first step, so atleast then if he breaks the order's boundaries he can be arrested, but it might just anger him.

It's not a good situation for you to be in that's for sure, Cakesass. I hope the best for you.

 

[Cakes488]

Here is the situation as I see it:

Most of those who have posted in this thread feel that this situation is more threatening than Cakes does.

This doesn't mean Cakes is wrong, though - we all need to remember that. She's not a fool and she's met the guy whereas we haven't, and that gives her an enormous advantage.

On the other hand, that doesn't mean she's right, either. Some of the people who have contributed to this thread are speaking from direct experience. That's both an advantage and a disadvantage, though. It's an advantage because they might very well pick up clues that the rest of us miss. But it's a disadvantage because they also might project their own experience into what Cakes has experienced.

And of course several of us have thought of possible actions that Cakes didn't think of - including some fairly simple things she could easily do herself (such as getting the pepper spray or whatever, making the house as secure as possible, etc.). The disadvantage is that some of the things that have been suggested, Cakes either doesn't feel right about doing or doesn't feel are warranted at this time.

But after all those pluses and minuses...well, it's Cakes who's going to have to take whatever action is taken. We don't really want her to drop all her instincts and her experience and do whatever we say, do we? Well, OK, maybe we kind of do...but kind of don't, too. I mean, that wouldn't be right. And it wouldn't be Cakes, either.

So...just be careful, OK? For the sake of our peace of mind, maybe you could be a little more cautious than perhaps you are inclined to be? I for one would really appreciate it!

Yes I'm cautious...I have to tell you upstate is perfect place for having sex...but it's few and far between (really far right now ) that I bring men up there because i'm overly cautious about people knowing my address and location up there. I'm a New Yawka...I'm pretty aware of my surroundings and clockin who's doing what.

Thank you for articulating for me Kate...I appreciate it and I've left details out of the story because I really didn't want to type every detail of the story I figured nobody really wants to read that.

A guy looking twice at a woman is not committing a crime. it was the barging into her house uninvited bit that got to me. You don't do that to someone you respect and it seems he has no respect for her as as person with rights. Not good.

The guy sounds creepy. Stay safe!

So about this barging in buisness...this was one of the shortcuts I took in telling the story... Now he did come in the screened in porch... but he was over the weekend before (the weekend the advances that were made and rebuffed) ...he gave me $ for weed and he was still under the impression that we're friends and he at the very least had found a weed buddy. So he walked in and I ushered him out...believe me I wasn't my friendly self and I immediately gave him back his $$ and he said oh you don't need to do that and I said yeah I do because we're not going to be smoking together and we're not hanging out. It's inappropriate and I feel bad doing it behind Jeans back. He said Ok yes you're right...at that point I expected an apology for his actions of the weekend before but there was none forthcoming. We made small talk about july 4th and he was on his way. So the bottom line is I think he still thought we were cool and he was walking into his new found friends place...the place he was in last weekend and he thought it was ok...I set him straight on that...he hasn't done it again. Doesn't explain the are you alone shit but I think that he's just hoping there's some chance we can still hang out...so that's why I'm going to go over it again with him and I think rather than saying I'll have Jean explain it to you ...I'm going to ask him if he comprehends what the fuck I'm saying. Cuz I'll break the shit down again and again to get it through his fuckin skull that there is absolutely zero chance of us hangin out in any way, shape, or form.

 

[FrontLine]

So what are you (and everybody else) mad at me because I won't go get a restraining order or I won't follow everybodys advise to a T?

I cant speak for them, but I am bewildered that after all of the expert and experiential advice that was requested, when 1 poster makes a statement that ignores this your reply is "That is what I wanted to hear." If thats they case then why even bother soliciting advice? I find the behavior perplexing at the least.

You say that you want to do things your own way, and thats all fine and well. But you are indeed ignoring a wealth of experience that says that your way very well may actually be detrimental to your well being. Remember the advice comes from experience.

I'm sorry that you are leaving a job that you have held for so long. I do hope that this is voluntary in nature and wish you the best. However just because someone may want gentleness does not mean that is what they need. In fact the advice given wasnt harsh at all and neither were our statements questioning your motive.

 

[Crusher Disciple]

I'm so lame that was seriously the first thing I noticed in the pic.

Don't feel bad, me too. I saw the pic and I said "Hey, TAS DVDs!" ... "Oh look. Guns!"


J.

Well, being from Texas, my eyes went immediately to those cool guns.

 

[RAMA]

You can take steps. Warning you will tell his wife is one, telling her is two...the cops is three....stepping into your house is not cool.

RAMA

 

[Sephiroth]

I'm so lame that was seriously the first thing I noticed in the pic.

Don't feel bad, me too. I saw the pic and I said "Hey, TAS DVDs!" ... "Oh look. Guns!"


J.

Well, being from Texas, my eyes went immediately to those cool guns.

just don't forget, thems New Mexican guns, texan...

 

[Shatmandu]

See Joe's being a lot...lot more nicer than I can be or will be....I just can't be that nice at this point, it's not in my nature . I swear if he does it again after I speak with him I'm taking it to the next level and I'll have no qualms about it. I'll tell the whole block (I'll go door to door and I'm not kidding),

Be careful, because then you'll be the one looking like a loon and not him. Best thing to do in these situations is to stay the one who is doing all the proper, above-board things. Lay down the law with him, but don't break the law over him.

Give in to the temptation of whipping his ass, figuratively, and you become the problem.

If I said, "Bob waved a stick at me, so I got a bazooka and blew his ribcage out his asshole," that would make me the culprit rather than the victim.

You also give him an "out": he can just say, "Wife, I don't know what's wrong with that crazy weed-head down the street. She came on to me, I rejected her, and now she's spreading lies around the neighborhood. She told Mrs. Lutz I squeezed her tits."

Stay cool. The calm person wins every time.

Joe, coiner of phrases

 

[Nerys Ghemor]

1) call the cops and tell them.

2) call the cops and tell them.

3) get a permit and the biggest, most fuck-off gun you can.

4) make sure he sees you carrying said BFG.

5) call the cops and tell them.

6) learn to shoot.

i'm serious about the gun. it's why you have gun laws, right? i mean, it's your choice whether you go for something military-grade like one of those civilianised M-16s or just a big-ass pump-action shotty, or something more discreet like a large calibre pistol, but you wanna make sure he gets the message, he fucks with you, you introduce him to your friend PAIN.

Amen. This is exactly what concealed carry laws are for--so that even when he can't SEE the gun, he should have to worry (and rightly so) that it's around.

 

[Cakes488]

So what are you (and everybody else) mad at me because I won't go get a restraining order or I won't follow everybodys advise to a T?

I cant speak for them, but I am bewildered that after all of the expert and experiential advice that was requested, when 1 poster makes a statement that ignores this your reply is "That is what I wanted to hear." If thats they case then why even bother soliciting advice? I find the behavior perplexing at the least.

You say that you want to do things your own way, and thats all fine and well. But you are indeed ignoring a wealth of experience that says that your way very well may actually be detrimental to your well being. Remember the advice comes from experience.

I'm sorry that you are leaving a job that you have held for so long. I do hope that this is voluntary in nature and wish you the best. However just because someone may want gentleness does not mean that is what they need. In fact the advice given wasnt harsh at all and neither were our statements questioning your motive.

Ok tender time is over now...that little boo-hoo session lasted about 10 minutes...so you can go back to reaming me now. But seriously, it's not that I was waiting to hear what I wanted to hear...it's just that I expected to hear that a lot sooner...it's what I was expecting to hear. I've consulted with my family and friends again who are close to the situation and know every last detail...they do think any type of restraining order is a bit much at this moment. To get a R. Order doesn't someone need to do something to be restrained. I mean what am I gonna put on it that the guy asked if I was alone so I want him restrained? I think that is the way to go AFTER I refresh his memory that we shan't be hanging out in any capacity. And I'm not ignoring the advise...I'm not! Just because I'm choosing to not act on it at this time does not mean I'm completely ignoring it...quite the contrary. I will get the best mace/bear mace I can find next week.

See Joe's being a lot...lot more nicer than I can be or will be....I just can't be that nice at this point, it's not in my nature . I swear if he does it again after I speak with him I'm taking it to the next level and I'll have no qualms about it. I'll tell the whole block (I'll go door to door and I'm not kidding),

Be careful, because then you'll be the one looking like a loon and not him. Best thing to do in these situations is to stay the one who is doing all the proper, above-board things. Lay down the law with him, but don't break the law over him.

Give in to the temptation of whipping his ass, figuratively, and you become the problem.

If I said, "Bob waved a stick at me, so I got a bazooka and blew his ribcage out his asshole," that would make me the culprit rather than the victim.

You also give him an "out": he can just say, "Wife, I don't know what's wrong with that crazy weed-head down the street. She came on to me, I rejected her, and now she's spreading lies around the neighborhood. She told Mrs. Lutz I squeezed her tits."

Stay cool. The calm person wins every time.

Joe, coiner of phrases

No I won't go off and fly off the handle. I'll lose credibility...lol like I even have any. But I'm not going to leave any room for misinterpretation...if need be he's going to repeat back to me that he understands the boundaries here. I think if he was really that crazed over me this would of started a long time ago. Just sayin.

But the part about me coming on to him and him rejecting me...well that is just not believable. Ok you got me on the crazy weed head part....that point I will concede.

 

[Cakes488]

You can take steps. Warning you will tell his wife is one, telling her is two...the cops is three....stepping into your house is not cool.

RAMA

Listen...I blew up your pic into a life size rendition of yourself. So me and your cut out are going to pay a visit to this guy. You, rather your likeness is to papercut him to death...just like we practiced. Tell your wife that I'll pay her to take this thing off my hands when I'm done with it. Either that or I can use it in the burn bucket I suppose.

 

[Raven_Shayde]

Personally I'd knee him in the testicles. Best course of action or is that just me? . I hate unwanted male attention. At the least it's annoying, at worst can be potentially dangerous.

 

[Mark de Vries]

Personally I'd knee him in the testicles. Best course of action or is that just me? .

Well, you'd get his attention, certainly.


Generally, I agree with JustKate andShatmandu. Make sure you're the sane one in this situation. It'll help with any legal fallout and also be better for your own state of mind (I expect).

And, lastly, Cakes knows more about the guy and the situation than we do. We can advice her all we want (and we should, of course), but she is the one to judge what is an appropriate action.

 

[Kail]

Yeah, tell his wife.

 

[msbae]

So here's my question. Obviously I want this hairy little beast to leave me alone and it's a shame too as he was a good neighbor to talk to from time to time...but anyway I was thinking that if he asks me this crap again I'm going to say "what part of we're not hanging out do you not understand? If you can't comprehend this then I'll be forced to go to Jean (his wife) and have her explain this to you"...

So Married men...if you were pulling this shit and you heard that....that would squash it................RIGHT?????????? Right???

I'm sorry for this long post but it made me feel better.

Here's what I recommend you should do:

1. Tell his wife about these incidents. Stick to the facts of the matter and use the calmest possible voice. No hyperbole.
2. Further explain to her that you will file a Police report, just because the guy creeps you out. All further steps should only be taken if the wife doesn't straighten him out.
3. Buy a Handgun and learn to use it, assuming you don't have one already. Semi-Automatics are best, preferably a 9mm Beretta or Colt 1911 firing .45 ACP.
4. File the police report. Tell them that you legally own a firearm if they ask. If they don't ask, I probably wouldn't volunteer that information. If something were to happen to the creep, you might be a suspect. That's not the goal here.
5. In fact, don't tell anyone about the gun. Just have it as your little ace in the hole.
6. A restraining order is a pretty good idea. Get one if you can.
7. Start being as cold to this guy as possible in all encounters. He may lose interest if he begins to think you're an Ice Queen.
8. Keep the gun handy and all doors and windows locked.
9. The gun is now your new American Express card honey: Don't leave home without it...

Hope that helps.

- msbae

 

[msbae]

But don't you think just the threat of me telling Jean would squash it all. Shouldn't that horrify him and send him running with his tail between his legs?

Based on the behavior you described, I'm forced to say no.

He's exhibiting all the classic mannerisms of an obsessive stalker. You should tell his wife but, it won't be to stop him. I expect that it will only make him mad. The reason you should tell his wife is so she knows what's going on and so she can help you.

 

[Raven_Shayde]

Buy a Handgun and learn to use it, assuming you don't have one already. Semi-Automatics are best, preferably a 9mm Beretta or Colt 1911 firing .45 ACP.

In fact, don't tell anyone about the gun. Just have it as your little ace in the hole.

Is a gun not a tad excessive though?

 

[captcalhoun]

in this case, no. what WOULD be excessive would be a LAW. or an RPG-7. or an M-203.

 

[Snow]

While I haven't read every post in this thread, here is my two cents.

First and foremost I do believe you know better than anyone else how to handle this situation. You've been given advice of many types and it's now up to you to pick and choose what best fits you.
Do not under any circumstance tell his wife or threaten to tell his wife. You can't expect her to fix this situation which is ultimately your problem to fix. You may go the restraining order route or go to the police or anything else but it is YOU who must do this work.
You have no idea what the dynamic is between this man and his wife. She might be understanding and sympathetic but I truly doubt it unless she is looking to dump his sorry ass. In all probability she is looking to keep her marriage working and she will side with him. Yes, it could be that this is a pattern of his that she is aware of but then again, she has continued to remain with him. You have very little chance of winning by asking her to deal with this situation.
I gather you have spoken of having gentleman callers at your home. She may very well believe that you have your sights on her husband and that your whole story is fiction.
There is so much that can go wrong with telling the wife. Who knows, he might even do her harm if she confronts him with your accusations.

The next time he calls out to you asking if you are alone - ignore him. Why in the world are you even answering his questions? Don't have anything more to do with him in regards to chores around the house. Stop being the 'nice girl' as we were taught to be. No more debating with him, no more talking it out, no more of any of this shit.

 

[CaptainStoner]

Ok tender time is over now...that little boo-hoo session lasted about 10 minutes...so you can go back to reaming me now. But seriously, it's not that I was waiting to hear what I wanted to hear...it's just that I expected to hear that a lot sooner...it's what I was expecting to hear. I've consulted with my family and friends again who are close to the situation and know every last detail...they do think any type of restraining order is a bit much at this moment. To get a R. Order doesn't someone need to do something to be restrained. I mean what am I gonna put on it that the guy asked if I was alone so I want him restrained? I think that is the way to go AFTER I refresh his memory that we shan't be hanging out in any capacity. And I'm not ignoring the advise...I'm not! Just because I'm choosing to not act on it at this time does not mean I'm completely ignoring it...quite the contrary. I will get the best mace/bear mace I can find next week.

You are way behind the game here, Cakes. This man essentially molested you with the drunken pawing. Alcohol does not produce that behavior; it reveals it. You are in danger, and you haven't been reacting appropriately.
YOU ARE BEING STALKED. And you're getting some mace, what, next Tuesday, along with getting the replicators on-line?
I agree with those who say: don't tell his wife. That's just going to open up a can o' psycho in all liklihood. If he's cheating, she knows.
But you really should have put in a complaint to the police by now.
To think you've lived with this BS all summer!
No more making up stories about friends coming over. The question is irrelevant! It just feeds the behavior. Don't do that; don't throw the stalker a bone for Christsake.
I would even suggest you don't speak to this person at all, no matter how loud he yells across the street, or honks the horn, whatever.

 

[Kail]

Cakes, I worry about you, dear. You've already told this guy off. You should tell his wife what's going on, and if it persists, call the cops on him.

Take this advise with a grain of salt, and get counseling.