Every feel guilty, about not feeling more guilty about something?

[Jayson]

I can think of one thing in my life that qualfies. I was living with my dad and step mon at the time. My step-dad(who was already divorced from my mom) hung himself in a mental hospital. I remember getting the call, and I was so happy it was like finding out Santa Claus is real. My step dad was a awful human being. He would hit my mom, and he was mean and frankly I proably became fat and shy because of him, because as a kid I didn't like going out of my room.

Still I sometimes feel bad that I still feel kind of happy that he is dead. Just seems wrong to feel "good" about someone dying,especially the way he went out but I can't help it. I hated him and I still do. My hate for him,surpasses any normal compassion I would have for another, in a similar situation.


Jason

 

[RJDiogenes]

That just shows you have a conscience. Considering how he treated your Mom and you, it's understandable that you would feel happiness at his fate; yet your conscience tells you it's wrong. Cut yourself some slack. It doesn't make you a bad person.

 

[An Officer]

Completely understandable Jayson, I can't imagine anyone blaming you for feeling that way.

 

[Jayson]

Well I'm not sure if my feelings were wrong. It just feels unnatural to take pleasure in the death of a human being. Actually I am sometimes ashamed of my conscious, because I feel like this can cloud people from the truth. I think pedophiles for example, deserve to die, but at the same time if I saw it happen I would still feel bad, because you know inside, no matter how awful a person seems to be, there is a complex human being who is more than good or evil. Emotions can lie. Instead of seeing a greater truth, we can only see our feelings.

As awful a human being as my stepdad is I can't help but think there must have been good in him somewhere and he must have had alot of pain to end up in a mental hospital. The problem, though is his actions made him unworthy of deserving empathy. Yet i still feel like i should have it as well because he is human. It's like having contradicitng emotions, which I am sure everyone has from time to time.

Am I the only one who has had these type of feelings about something? If so what was the reason for your, emtional condrum.

Jason

 

[Bears Discover Fire]

Am I the only one who has had these type of feelings about something? If so what was the reason for your, emtional condrum.

Jason

No you absolutely are not.

Right now I'm fighting the battle over maintaining my principles and belief that all citizens deserve a fair trial and a chance to convince a jury of their innocence, and the visceral desire to short cut the whole process via a bus plowing down the guy who assaulted me and ripped apart my life earlier in the year.

The really angry part of me wants him to never succeed in society again, be completely unemployable, a pariah who has to beg and degrade himself, but the rational part of me knows he'll need to restore some station in his life if I'm ever to see any sort of compensation for the spiritual and material hell his actions are putting me through. And I'm going to have to find some sort of acceptance of what happened and even a measure of forgiveness if I'm ever going to fully heal.

I've had people tell me that prison is punishment enough and I'm being too vindictive by pursuing a civil suit against my attacker. After what I've been through, the emergency relocation, my lost mobility, the hospital bills, the physical therapy, the debt collectors, the wrecked credit, the lost wages, the 3 hour commutes against my doctor's orders, the emotional and physical anguish, the permanent damage to my body, the total disruption of my life, I don't feel any compassion for a guy who might have to sit in a cell and subsist on nutraloaf for a few years, and then have his pay garnished and his toys sold to restore what he took from me.

And I feel kinda bad for not feeling bad.

 

[Jayson]

Am I the only one who has had these type of feelings about something? If so what was the reason for your, emtional condrum.

Jason

No you absolutely are not.

Right now I'm fighting the battle over maintaining my principles and belief that all citizens deserve a fair trial and a chance to convince a jury of their innocence, and the visceral desire to short cut the whole process via a bus plowing down the guy who assaulted me and ripped apart my life earlier in the year.

The really angry part of me wants him to never succeed in society again, be completely unemployable, a pariah who has to beg and degrade himself, but the rational part of me knows he'll need to restore some station in his life if I'm ever to see any sort of compensation for the spiritual and material hell his actions are putting me through. And I'm going to have to find some sort of acceptance of what happened and even a measure of forgiveness if I'm ever going to fully heal.

I've had people tell me that prison is punishment enough and I'm being too vindictive by pursuing a civil suit against my attacker. After what I've been through, the emergency relocation, my lost mobility, the hospital bills, the physical therapy, the debt collectors, the wrecked credit, the lost wages, the 3 hour commutes against my doctor's orders, the emotional and physical anguish, the permanent damage to my body, the total disruption of my life, I don't feel any compassion for a guy who might have to sit in a cell and subsist on nutraloaf for a few years, and then have his pay garnished and his toys sold to restore what he took from me.

And I feel kinda bad for not feeling bad.

I hope things work out for you. Just remember you can play it cool and sue him and get the money you deserve and know that he will in the future, still get the justice he deserves. With my stepdad, he hung himself when I was in high school. I hadn't seen him in years. The last time I saw him was when he came over and I wouldn't let him see my sisters, so I took them in my room and used my body to barricade the door but i was still a kid at the time.

Even if this attacker, does get on his feet, you just know something horrible will eventally happen to him, and on that day you will be able to enjoy it.

Jason