I did something bad with a 16 yr old and dope
- Thread starter K'Ehleyr
- Start date
Good point. Much better than my advice via PM.
I didn't clean my son's room, but I did every so often go in to check things out. - not necessarily looking for anything damaging, just ... being curious about what he was doing and thinking and ... all that stuff.
Yes, he got upset about it, but he got over it soon enough. It's not like he was keeping a dead body in there or anything.
This is good advice also.
OK, before I give my take on this, I must offer up my credentials...I have all girls, 21, 18, and 17. The older one 'bout put me in an early grave with heart attacks and stress; the second one slightly less so, and the younger one is good as gold but I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. We have had to deal with everything from weed to drinking to truancy to running away from home to teenage pregnancy. It's been an experience and an education. I also have a four-year-old, but have plenty of rehab time before she starts to put (more) grey in my hair. No boys, so any advice I have for you would be from my perspective, had my mother caught me doing stuff like that at that age.
First of all, per The Seeker, DON'T clean his room. That's his responsibility. May be a bit different if, say, he had a plate of chicken bones under the bed for several months to the point where the mold posed a health hazard to everyone else in the house, but otherwise it is a good idea just to stay out of the kid's room in general. A teenager, especially a teen boy living with his ma, will get all skeeved out at the mere idea of his mother rummaging about in his room, no matter how noble the intentions. And were you cleaning his room, or "cleaning" his room, giving it the old once-over for anything amiss that might explain recent inexplicable behavoir? If so, consider the possibility that the diary, left out where it can be easily found, may be a decoy, a false lead that might prompt you to speak to him about it, thereby proving his suspicions that you have been intruding in his private space while he's in school. And if he is indeed keeping a diary, he will keep it in a place where you will never find it, booby-trapped with safeguards to alert him to snooping. Also, you suggested that you have smoked weed in the past. Have you sniffed about in his room, trying to detect the smell of marijuana? Or discretly sniffed him as he returns from a friends? Maybe he's not really doing weed, but by putting out there in his "diary", he may be trying to gauge not only if you're in his room, but also your reaction to that idea of him doing weed before he actually does it. My oldest went to a friends after school when she was 15 and came home half-baked, and tried to lie about it to my wife, who was well acquainted with marijuana when a younger woman herself. Busted!
The four hamburgers she scarfed down at dinnertime kinda gave her away as well. My wife was upset with me for not picking up on the smell of weed, but my two ill-fated experiments with it in college didn't leave me with much of a taste for it (which considering the length to which I take my excesses, like chocolate and Star Trek, was probably a damn good thing, my friends). The moral of the story is, unless his room's on fire or you have a genuine vermin problem or health hazard in there, one which absolutely requires your intervention, stay out of the kid's room. You may find things you wouldn't understand. Things you couldn't understand. Things...you shouldn't understand.
Moving along, he called you a "dragon" in the diary? That's a good thing...that means you're doing your job as a parent. Everyone gets into parenting with the desire to do better at it than their folks, but eventually realizes that it's less a democracy and more a benign dictatorship. It has to be, not to crush the child's burgeoning independence, but to teach them that there are rules and they are to be followed, to give them the framework of safety that allows them to spread their independent wings. Some rebellion is allowed or tolerated, and the small rebellion treated mildly and wisely helps stave off the larger rebellions, but if you can set up rules for them to follow at home, they are less likely to engage in behavoir that may get them booted out of school or the workplace. And the best place for them to learn the old axiom that "the boss is always right" is at home. The world is filled with bratty kids whose parents don't exercise any power over them, who have just given up after the first few minor setbacks, and the sad thing is that they are starting to have kids of their own now. If you have confronted the teenager about his smoking of weed, I hope you have portrayed it more of a "please refrain from doing so in public or at school, where the likelyhood of being caught is increased and the legal consequences can be more dire" than a "THOU SHALT NOT!!!", of which the latter is the most sure-fire way of making him do it even more. You're not giving him a free pass, or a wink-wink nudge-nudge in an attempt to be his buddy; he needs a parent, not a buddy, but letting him know you're looking out for his best interests, and it's in no kid's best interests to attract the sometimes-menaceing attention of law enforcement. After that, it's out of your hands and beyond your ability to influence or modify. Also, let him know if he's out and about and not quite in his right mind, especially if his friends are about to engage in hooligan behavoir, that he can call you and get a lecture-free ride home...that way, you know he's safe and sound, and he knows you're looking out for him and if he can trust you with that, he may trust you with greater problems in the future. My mother always told me that if I were going out with friends to commit mayhem, and get pinched and am allowed that one phone call, I may as well order a pizza because I'll be a guest of the police overnight, but if I didn't want to go along with escalating events to withdraw and call, and she'll pick me up, lecture-free. Sometimes I look back and think the moral of the story was, "don't get caught", but now I see that it was she was willing to let me be me, but trusting me to make the right decisions. And while I sometimes took a raft of shit from the guys for bailing out just when things were getting interesting, I have never been arrested nor received anything more severe than a speeding ticket (well-earned), a distinction lost on most of my teenage-years friends.
Looking at what the other posters have given you, it sounds like you're on the right track. It's not easy even with two parents, much less as a single parent with no moral support from his father, but if you can get him through adolescence without too much muddling about in his private space (and he'll have ways to know if you're in there, too...) and be there for him with advice and calm words and not lectures and screaming, at one point in the future he will let you know he appreciated the way you handled that business (probably when he has teenagers of his own..., mwah-hah-hah!).
Hope this helps, and hang in there, sister. Nothin' but good times ahead.
First of all, per The Seeker, DON'T clean his room. That's his responsibility. May be a bit different if, say, he had a plate of chicken bones under the bed for several months to the point where the mold posed a health hazard to everyone else in the house, but otherwise it is a good idea just to stay out of the kid's room in general. A teenager, especially a teen boy living with his ma, will get all skeeved out at the mere idea of his mother rummaging about in his room, no matter how noble the intentions. And were you cleaning his room, or "cleaning" his room, giving it the old once-over for anything amiss that might explain recent inexplicable behavoir? If so, consider the possibility that the diary, left out where it can be easily found, may be a decoy, a false lead that might prompt you to speak to him about it, thereby proving his suspicions that you have been intruding in his private space while he's in school. And if he is indeed keeping a diary, he will keep it in a place where you will never find it, booby-trapped with safeguards to alert him to snooping. Also, you suggested that you have smoked weed in the past. Have you sniffed about in his room, trying to detect the smell of marijuana? Or discretly sniffed him as he returns from a friends? Maybe he's not really doing weed, but by putting out there in his "diary", he may be trying to gauge not only if you're in his room, but also your reaction to that idea of him doing weed before he actually does it. My oldest went to a friends after school when she was 15 and came home half-baked, and tried to lie about it to my wife, who was well acquainted with marijuana when a younger woman herself. Busted!
The four hamburgers she scarfed down at dinnertime kinda gave her away as well. My wife was upset with me for not picking up on the smell of weed, but my two ill-fated experiments with it in college didn't leave me with much of a taste for it (which considering the length to which I take my excesses, like chocolate and Star Trek, was probably a damn good thing, my friends). The moral of the story is, unless his room's on fire or you have a genuine vermin problem or health hazard in there, one which absolutely requires your intervention, stay out of the kid's room. You may find things you wouldn't understand. Things you couldn't understand. Things...you shouldn't understand.Moving along, he called you a "dragon" in the diary? That's a good thing...that means you're doing your job as a parent. Everyone gets into parenting with the desire to do better at it than their folks, but eventually realizes that it's less a democracy and more a benign dictatorship. It has to be, not to crush the child's burgeoning independence, but to teach them that there are rules and they are to be followed, to give them the framework of safety that allows them to spread their independent wings. Some rebellion is allowed or tolerated, and the small rebellion treated mildly and wisely helps stave off the larger rebellions, but if you can set up rules for them to follow at home, they are less likely to engage in behavoir that may get them booted out of school or the workplace. And the best place for them to learn the old axiom that "the boss is always right" is at home. The world is filled with bratty kids whose parents don't exercise any power over them, who have just given up after the first few minor setbacks, and the sad thing is that they are starting to have kids of their own now. If you have confronted the teenager about his smoking of weed, I hope you have portrayed it more of a "please refrain from doing so in public or at school, where the likelyhood of being caught is increased and the legal consequences can be more dire" than a "THOU SHALT NOT!!!", of which the latter is the most sure-fire way of making him do it even more. You're not giving him a free pass, or a wink-wink nudge-nudge in an attempt to be his buddy; he needs a parent, not a buddy, but letting him know you're looking out for his best interests, and it's in no kid's best interests to attract the sometimes-menaceing attention of law enforcement. After that, it's out of your hands and beyond your ability to influence or modify. Also, let him know if he's out and about and not quite in his right mind, especially if his friends are about to engage in hooligan behavoir, that he can call you and get a lecture-free ride home...that way, you know he's safe and sound, and he knows you're looking out for him and if he can trust you with that, he may trust you with greater problems in the future. My mother always told me that if I were going out with friends to commit mayhem, and get pinched and am allowed that one phone call, I may as well order a pizza because I'll be a guest of the police overnight, but if I didn't want to go along with escalating events to withdraw and call, and she'll pick me up, lecture-free. Sometimes I look back and think the moral of the story was, "don't get caught", but now I see that it was she was willing to let me be me, but trusting me to make the right decisions. And while I sometimes took a raft of shit from the guys for bailing out just when things were getting interesting, I have never been arrested nor received anything more severe than a speeding ticket (well-earned), a distinction lost on most of my teenage-years friends.
Looking at what the other posters have given you, it sounds like you're on the right track. It's not easy even with two parents, much less as a single parent with no moral support from his father, but if you can get him through adolescence without too much muddling about in his private space (and he'll have ways to know if you're in there, too...) and be there for him with advice and calm words and not lectures and screaming, at one point in the future he will let you know he appreciated the way you handled that business (probably when he has teenagers of his own...
, mwah-hah-hah!).Hope this helps, and hang in there, sister. Nothin' but good times ahead.
It's pot, it's 100% natural. I rather have a kid smoke pot than start smoking cigarettes. Everything can fuck up the brain chemicals, what difference does it make? Plus your brain isn't fully formed until you are in your late 20's, so no smoking pot until you are 30?
Do what you want, when you want and fuck it if it's supposedly bad by lame as doctors. Fuck them.
If the kid isn't acting odd, besides the fact he has a journal, then who cares. My uncle found his son's pot, he was 18-19 I think, in his room. Guess what he did? Took it and smoked it!
Also if your kid doesn't kill himself, and more importantly others, you are doing a fine job parenting. really parents today are horrible!
Do what you want, when you want and fuck it if it's supposedly bad by lame as doctors. Fuck them.
If the kid isn't acting odd, besides the fact he has a journal, then who cares. My uncle found his son's pot, he was 18-19 I think, in his room. Guess what he did? Took it and smoked it!
Also if your kid doesn't kill himself, and more importantly others, you are doing a fine job parenting.
really parents today are horrible!
TheLonelySquire
Vice Admiral
^ Thank you Jenee. I suppose in a way I should be thankful that it's all he's doing! I mean I've done it, my Dad's done it and my Mum's been told to do it as she has MS.
My concerns are it gets him expelled from school ~ he has 8 weeks to go! Or that it leads to further drug use.
Your son has done good and you must have been a child mother
Your concerns are valid. It does lead to harsher drugs, dulls the mind, and depletes initiative. Be his mother. Not his friend.
Not even close.
http://health.howstuffworks.com/marijuana.htm
http://www.relevancyinc.com/facts.html
http://www.askmehelpdesk.com/chemistry/chemicals-marijuana-172467.html
Most dealers mix all kinds of crap with their drugs to lower their expenses. Unless you grow and roll your own, it's never pure, and more dangerous to a developing brain (of which is not fully developed until 21) than cigarettes. I've read many studies and went to several symposiums on the correlation of pot smoking and learning disabilities in teens.
Yes, he'll be pissed at you for a while for reading his diary, but get him off the drugs NOW!
^ Thank you Jenee. I suppose in a way I should be thankful that it's all he's doing! I mean I've done it, my Dad's done it and my Mum's been told to do it as she has MS.
My concerns are it gets him expelled from school ~ he has 8 weeks to go! Or that it leads to further drug use.
Your son has done good and you must have been a child mother
Your concerns are valid. It does lead to harsher drugs, dulls the mind, and depletes initiative. Be his mother. Not his friend.
Says the guy who has never smoked weed.
K'ehleyr, teenagers are generally stupid when it comes to stuff like this but I read some other stuff you've posted about him and it seems like you raised a good one so unless he starts going missing for days at a time for no reason or takes up with a hippie commune he'll be fine.
To be fair, you can't rely entirely on the opinions of those who've done it. Biased sample and all.
I've never seen the appeal of the whole thing, personally, but I don't really have grounds to criticize those who do use it. I just scratch my head and walk away.
TheLonelySquire
Vice Admiral
^ Thank you Jenee. I suppose in a way I should be thankful that it's all he's doing! I mean I've done it, my Dad's done it and my Mum's been told to do it as she has MS.
My concerns are it gets him expelled from school ~ he has 8 weeks to go! Or that it leads to further drug use.
Your son has done good and you must have been a child mother
Your concerns are valid. It does lead to harsher drugs, dulls the mind, and depletes initiative. Be his mother. Not his friend.
Says the guy who has never smoked weed.
K'ehleyr, teenagers are generally stupid when it comes to stuff like this but I read some other stuff you've posted about him and it seems like you raised a good one so unless he starts going missing for days at a time for no reason or takes up with a hippie commune he'll be fine.
And looky looky, I have done pretty well without it. Do you do drugs?
Definately just hoovering and moving. I usually muck out before he gets home and have not been told 'Access denied' ~ it's more of a 'well I can't be bothered to do it so Mum may as well. As you say though, if it's a true diary, why leave it where I may find it.
Yes, in my teens and run pubs in my later years and know when a 16 yr old comes home 'out of character' either too friendly or too quiet, combined with the red eyes and the munchies I'm pretty sure, no actually I'm convinced ~ Oh that and he admitted it when I threatened to dob him and his mates in to the police. 'But you can't tell about...' 'Oh I didn't know about her'
I totally agree. Whilst he's under my roof it's my rules. And they are not there to ruin his life but to try to enhance it by giving a hint of what is a good idea and what is not.
Thank you SicOne for your time for the great message and forgive me for cutting it.
The truth of the matter is that using the whole marijuana is a gateway drug argument is stupid. If that were true then cigarettes and booze should be considered gateways to drug use as well.
Can't afford weed on a grad student's stipend. Haven't had any cravings for the herb either. But I wouldn't turn down a joint if it's offered not that I actively go searching for potheads to be my friends and like myself my friends can't afford to indulge anymore. All in all, growing up puts a damper on that sort of behavior, plus I'd rather buy the new XBOX game than a big bag of weed.
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Thanks Neeka Keet,
He is a great kid and I think he is just being a teenager.And Lindley, with all respect, I need the opinions of those who have done it or experienced their children doing it. For me it's too late now to say to my son don't start.
^Yes, but it's not too late to say STOP!
Yes, I used from 16-21. Yes, my short term memory sucks now. Yes, pot is harmful, plain and simple (not for gateway claims or anything else...it is NOT PURE! Drug dealers cut it with crap like formeldahyde!)
You are his mother. Get him to stop. 16 is not old enough to make decisions like this, his pre-frontal cortex is not developed (the part of the brain that makes rational decisions and foresees consequences for actions). You need to be his pre-frontal cortex right now. He guaranteed will not like you for it now, but later will thank you.
My son is a tween, but when he gets there, I know if I'm faced with this, my son will hate me for a bit (as I keep him home and limit access to his friends to build trust so that he doesn't break that trust again by using) but I will do what I have to to protect him until he is old enough to make his own decisons.
Yes, I used from 16-21. Yes, my short term memory sucks now. Yes, pot is harmful, plain and simple (not for gateway claims or anything else...it is NOT PURE! Drug dealers cut it with crap like formeldahyde!)
You are his mother. Get him to stop. 16 is not old enough to make decisions like this, his pre-frontal cortex is not developed (the part of the brain that makes rational decisions and foresees consequences for actions). You need to be his pre-frontal cortex right now. He guaranteed will not like you for it now, but later will thank you.
My son is a tween, but when he gets there, I know if I'm faced with this, my son will hate me for a bit (as I keep him home and limit access to his friends to build trust so that he doesn't break that trust again by using) but I will do what I have to to protect him until he is old enough to make his own decisons.
What a misleading thread title! I was expecting something juicy and taboo!
Anyway, I regret I don't have much to contribute. I'm still young and not a parent, so I have no idea how I'd react in your shoes, although I think you're handling the situation better than I probably would.
From the other side of the table, I don't really have anything to say there either. I'm probably one of the few people in the world who never tried weed as a teenager -- or in college (which is all the more unusual considering I'm an arts major). Like Lindley, I never saw the appeal. So I guess I have nothing relevant to add.
But it sounds like you're a concerned and attentive mother, which is what any child needs. I have confidence that you'll handle this issue in the best way possible.
The same is true of myself... that's why I come here and express my thoughts safely and anonymously.
Anyway, I regret I don't have much to contribute. I'm still young and not a parent, so I have no idea how I'd react in your shoes, although I think you're handling the situation better than I probably would.
From the other side of the table, I don't really have anything to say there either. I'm probably one of the few people in the world who never tried weed as a teenager -- or in college (which is all the more unusual considering I'm an arts major
). Like Lindley, I never saw the appeal. So I guess I have nothing relevant to add. But it sounds like you're a concerned and attentive mother, which is what any child needs. I have confidence that you'll handle this issue in the best way possible.
The same is true of myself... that's why I come here and express my thoughts safely and anonymously.
I have smoked in the (distant) past, and don't consider it any more dangerous than any other vice, and from a medical and mental standpoint, your son is probably fine. Howver, one thing that really got to me eventually, and which is the main point I make to my own children, is that it is illegal. By that, I don't just mean that you can get arrested for it, which could majorly screw up your future, but it also means that criminals are the ones distributing it. While many of the lower-level suppliers are just folks you know, some of these criminals have committed murder, some have assassinated government officials, even worked to destabilize countries. In other words, unless you grow your own, every bag of weed comes with blood on it.
K'Ehleyr, glad to help. I was once a boy (like I'm an armadillo now...), so any perspective I can lend you from that I am happy to share with you. Though I doubt you'd care too much for my advice on premarital sex.
Thank YOU for having the courage to speak out about this and open up about your troubles and seek out advice. It says much about your character, and while I hope you have other friends you speak to in person about issues like this (for nothing can replace talking across a table with a drink in hand), we are glad you feel you can share with us.
Thank you to everyone who has weighed in thus far with their opinions and advice. It certainly runs the whole gamut of the situation, pros and cons. Keep talkin'.
Thank YOU for having the courage to speak out about this and open up about your troubles and seek out advice. It says much about your character, and while I hope you have other friends you speak to in person about issues like this (for nothing can replace talking across a table with a drink in hand), we are glad you feel you can share with us.
Thank you to everyone who has weighed in thus far with their opinions and advice. It certainly runs the whole gamut of the situation, pros and cons. Keep talkin'.
Im glad im not the only one who thinks that...
Wht disturbs me the most is that a number of people are shocked that your son kept a diary/journal. While women do it more often than men, many men do it as well. I've never had the discipline to do it but doing it is very healthy.
Honestly- what's the problem with him keeping a journal? I'd like to hear a legitimate answer to this.
Honestly- what's the problem with him keeping a journal? I'd like to hear a legitimate answer to this.
Well he wouldn't be the first teenager who enjoys writing who keeps a journal male or female. I've never kept a diary because I don't want any evidence of my exploits written in my own hand but I have notebooks full of short stories, poetry, song lyrics, and drawings.