Mt eldest son

[Captain Gandalf]

My son comes across as paranoid but I am not sure if its for real or an act.

I once talked to a case worker from the Salvation Army about him. He weren't sure what Daniel's problems were because he won't give them access to any of his medical details. The guy from the Salvos said he believed Daniel had an alcohol problem but didn't think he was on drugs. However his girlfriend told me he uses methamphetamines but she told me that after they had broken up.

Daniel hasn't lived with me for years (he is 31) so I don't see enough of him to really work out what is wrong with him.

Well, you'd better do everything you can to protect yourself, like installing a good alarm system with a direct link to the police station if that's possible (it is here, in Belgium). Maybe warn the neighbours too, so they can come to your aid if anything happens.

 

[bigdaddy]

Change your locks, buy a gun, and get a restraining order.

 

[Thespeckledkiwi]

You have my sympathies Miss Chicken. I know how tough this is and you're doing the right thing.

 

[Miss Chicken]

My locks have been changed. It was only about two and half hours from when I called the Housing Department until it was done. I never expected for it to be done as quickly as this.

I hope my son willl eave me alone for a while. I also hope he stops phoning or visiting my mother. My mother is a very ill woman and she doesn't need the stress of having to cope with Daniel.

 

[Alpha Romeo]

My locks have been changed. It was only about two and half hours from when I called the Housing Department until it was done. I never expected for it to be done as quickly as this.

I hope my son willl eave me alone for a while. I also hope he stops phoning or visiting my mother. My mother is a very ill woman and she doesn't need the stress of having to cope with Daniel.

Two words: Restraining order.

 

[Miss Chicken]

To get a restraining order I, or at least the police, would need to know where he lives so that it could be served on him. My son says that he is homeless at the moment, I am not sure if he is or not but I certainly do not have an address for him.

 

[Alpha Romeo]

To get a restraining order I, or at least the police, would need to know where he lives so that it could be served on him. My son says that he is homeless at the moment, I am not sure if he is or not but I certainly do not have an address for him.

If you have an idea where he is a process server can get to him. They just need to find him.

 

[Gil T.Azell]

You have my sympathies Miss Chicken. I know how tough this is and you're doing the right thing.

And mine, I hate to be blunt but he needs help, he frist has to admit that to him self, I hope he gets it.
But It seems like "tough love' may be the way to go??
that or Intervention?
Hugs to you miss Chicken, and take care.
you should also get your mom to chane her numbers and locks for her sake/safety.

How old is Daniel?

 

[Miss Chicken]

You have my sympathies Miss Chicken. I know how tough this is and you're doing the right thing.

And mine, I hate to be blunt but he needs help, he frist has to admit that to him self, I hope he gets it.
But It seems like "tough love' may be the way to go??
that or Intervention?
Hugs to you miss Chicken, and take care.
you should also get your mom to chane her numbers and locks for her sake/safety.

How old is Daniel?

Daniel is 31, 32 in June. He should have been in control of his life years ago.

I just went down to the local shopping centre. I was naughty girl and bought some comfort food - a cake to hog out on. I am meant to be on a diet

 

[sidious618]

Nah, a one time comfort food isn't going to hurt you.

 

[JuanBolio]

That's terrible that he acts that way after you're nice enough to let him stay. He sounds very strange indeed. Do you think his behavior is in any way connected to the way your ex-husband was?

 

[Miss Chicken]

His personality reminds me a lot of his father though I hate to admit it. They are both self-centered, and both blame other people for any problems that they have/cause. Daniel was only 6 when my ex-husband left and he had no more contact with his father so I am not sure why he would be so much like his father unless it is something genetic.

My other two sons are nothing like him. My youngest Marcus has never given me a single ounce of trouble and my other son Adam (who is intellectually disabled) is careless with money amd has often picked the wrong people as friends but he is kind and helpful.

 

[sidious618]

His personality reminds me a lot of his father though I hate to admit it. They are both self-centered, and both blame other people for any problems that they have/cause. Daniel was only 6 when my ex-husband left so I am not sure why he would be so much like his father unless it is something genetic.

You'd be surprised by how much their youth influences children.

 

[JuanBolio]

His personality reminds me a lot of his father though I hate to admit it. They are both self-centered, and both blame other people for any problems that they have/cause. Daniel was only 6 when my ex-husband left and he had no more contact with his father so I am not sure why he would be so much like his father unless it is something genetic.

My other two sons are nothing like him. My youngest Marcus has never given me a single ounce of trouble and my other son Adam (who is intellectually disabled) is careless with money amd has often picked the wrong people as friends but he is kind and helpful.

I think a lot of personality traits can be genetic. I have several traits that are eerily similar to my dad, even though he, too, split from my mom while I was very young. He visited on occasion and took me out for a day here and there, but not really enough time for me to get to know him or see him as any kind of role model.

 

[RandyS]

Shit. Sorry to hear about this. Your incident reminded me of how my brother used to treat our mom before she died. But, unlike you, she just couldn't let go. He was verbally and emotionally abusive to all of us, and no matter how much I begged her to ban him from the house and write him off, she just couldn't do it. I am convinced that his horrible behavior helped contribute to her death. I have not seen or spoken to him since.

I hope you have better luck.

 

[JAG]

I am sorry that happened to you Miss Chicken. Glad to see the locks have been changed. If he shows up again, try and tell him to stay away.

 

[auntiehill]

And mine, I hate to be blunt but he needs help, he frist has to admit that to him self, I hope he gets it.
But It seems like "tough love' may be the way to go??
that or Intervention?
Hugs to you miss Chicken, and take care.

Tough love, indeed. My sister's drug and alcohol abuse went on for more than 20 years. It sapped the money, emotions, health and peace of mind from every member of the family. Although she is now sober, her personality is still demanding and manipulative. She will always be a compulsive liar and an emotionally unstable timebomb.

My parents coddled her and, at age 43, she is STILL getting money from my parents. And we're not talking chump change, either--they're paying her mortgage. If they had just ONCE locked the door on her or changed the locks, left her in jail or simply thrown her out, all of our lives would have been a lot better.

Never accept behavior from a relative that you would never accept from a friend. He's an adult now and has chosen his own path. Change your locks and don't look back.

 

[Miss Chicken]

Thanks everyone for your kind words and advice.

I really want to make a break from my son something that my family and close friends are very supportive of.

When I moved 9 months ago I didn't give my son my address and I changed my phone number. For six months he had no way of contacting me. However, on Xmas Day, he turned up at my mother's and she rung me up distressed as she couldn't get him to go away. She didn't let him in but he kept banging on her door. I didn't want him bothering her like that so I told her to give him my address so that he could spend Xmas with me, my youngest son and two of my friends. I hadn't really cooked enough, for example I had only made four deserts and I gave him mine. Luckily he didn't stay long because I have a dry household and he wanted to drink.

When he started argued with me yesterday he screamed at me that he hadn't had a decent Xmas in 14 years. I reminded him that we had spent last Christmas together. He had also turned up unexpectedly on Christmas Eve 2006. We had booked to have lunch at a hotel a couple of months before. He hadn't contacted me for months and therefore we didn't include him in the numbers when we booked. He wanted me and my two sons not to go so that he wouldn't have to stay in the house alone. I refused saying he shouldn't expect to be included in our Christmas plans unless he contacts us in time. I said I would cook a Christmas dinner for him when I got home and I got a chicken out of the freezer. He said "is that all we are going to have" and I answered it was all that I had as I hadn't bought Xmas food because we were having lunch at the hotel. He got very angry over this and, after we left, he went out and got drunk and I locked him out when he came back late in the evening (well after I had dinner ready for him).

My youngest son was pretty good when I told him what happened. He said that he didn't want Daniel to stay in the first place and that he had considered not going to work because Daniel wa still in the house that morning. He went in and made sure nothing was missing for his room as he noticed his door was opened. However I had opened the door to let Miss Chicken into his room (she likes to sleep on his bed during the day).

 

[RJDiogenes]

My other two sons are nothing like him. My youngest Marcus has never given me a single ounce of trouble and my other son Adam (who is intellectually disabled) is careless with money amd has often picked the wrong people as friends but he is kind and helpful.

Well, I'm glad of this, anyway. It looks your third son was unlucky enough to inherit some bad genes.

 

[BorgMan]

Miss Chicken, I can understand your trouble. Let me try to explain (it's quite complicated)...

Some time ago, I had a girlfriend. Her best friend from school had a brother, who was a pathalogical liar. I think he really couldn't help himself. As they say, even negative attention is attention. He had told people that his mother died (which was, ofcourse, awkward for her, to hear from another person *hey... you're not dead?), told people that he was very wealthy (which he loaned from the bank... and they never got their money back!), yelled at his family (or anyone that got in his way), and just couldn't stop spitting out the one strange story after the other. Reading your story, it seems that this is the case here as well. He really can't help it, but in his mind this sort of things really happen; it looks to me as if it's close to borderline syndrome. For those people, everything is black-white: there is no in between. You like me, or you don't. If I haven't got my phone, you must have stolen it. Did we do something fun last year? No we don't because we're not doing anything fun for a long time. What you say is a lie, and you can't prove it otherwise. Yes, I was in jail. What do you say, you don't believe me? Are you implying that I'm lying?

If the above sounds familair, then yes, it could be borderline. For them, life is a combination of effed up things, and they cannot appreciate positive things, even if you immerse them in fun stuff for a whole week, or even a month. After that period is over, they'll revert back, continiously whining about how effed up their life is and that nobody helps them, and that nobody can do anything good for them. Helping such people is very difficult, because they need to accept the fact that they are in a downwards spiral first before anything can be done. They need to make the first step, nobody else can do that for them.

You've done a good thing by changing the locks. You'll need to record the front door (and the yard, if you have one), though, because if he comes back and starts waking up the neighboorhood at two o'clock inthe morning while being gone before the police arrives, you need to have proof that it was him, and that he poses a serious threat to you and your two other sons.

I can just advice you to be strong, which can be tough but right now there's not much else you can do...