How do you help a friend w/ depression?

[Danoz]

I've never really suffered from anything like this, but I've suspected for some time and this friend finally opened up. She's on anti-depressants, but she feels like her life and every smile is a "mask" behind intense feelings of suffering. She struggles with alcohol excess. Recently, she told me it got worse this year because of severe (and somewhat legitimate) hypochondria over fear of test results (which have recently come back negative across the board). Because of this, she feels like she is ready to heal... but since she's basically destroyed her most recent semester, she's not sure of what to do next.

Knowing her parents well, I went against a promise not to share this information. I knew that their response to her failing would be explosive if they weren't aware of her being depressed AND seeking help, and I made a calculated decision that it was better they knew before hand (rather than getting a financial aid letter or random doctor bills). Her parents were very glad that I had told them, because they know now when they finally learn of her grades to approach the situation calmly (they are very "together" individuals, but like anybody emotions can fly sometimes).

She has a lot of growing up to do. She does not live at home (she lives at school). I've known her since I was very young, so she's like a little sister to me, and it's hard to see her so depressed. I've never suffered from anything like this, so I have a severe "understanding problem." That doesn't change the fact that she has confided in me.

Let me know, first of all, if you think I made the right decision telling her parents about her thoughts and feelings. They've expressed concern in her behavior changes, and sincerely want to help her-- and knowing them to be rational people it seemed like a crucial move (even though it stung a bit, having been forced to swear on our friendship). Nor did I want to not promise her and escalate the situation or injure her moment of confidence.

I don't normally seek this kind of advice online, but it seemed a good place to express this. Unfortunately, being in a different city/state, it's difficult for me to really do anything more than I already have.

Thanks

 

[Ruaidhri]

In my experience, someone who is depressed needs to know that they are not alone. That probably won't be enough to bring the person out of the depression, because it doesn't address the underlying issues, but it can be one thing that anchors them and keeps them from spiraling downward any further. Depression can be a big negative feedback loop.

Be there when she needs you, it's okay to make executive decisions like the one you did, because it can stave off a situation that could fuel the depression further. Think of it like an intervention. They won't like that you did it when or it they find out, but they'll hopefully appreciate it later.

Always, always be available to talk or listen.

 

[cultcross]

Be there when she needs you, it's okay to make executive decisions like the one you did, because it can stave off a situation that could fuel the depression further. Think of it like an intervention. They won't like that you did it when or it they find out, but they'll hopefully appreciate it later.

Agreed with this.

One point that needs making - if you're there for her, make sure you are consistently there for her. To a 'normal' (wrong word, but you know what I mean) person, if you, say, don't phone when you said you might because you have a lot of work to do, its hardly a big deal. But that sort of thing can be a big deal to a person with depression, especially if they're feeling alone or abandoned as part of that depression.
Depression comes in many forms, and has many causes. It is important that you understand what it is that is making her depressed before you can be much help. In all circumstances, avoiding platitudes ('it'll be ok', 'it'll all come out in the wash', etc) is very important - if genuine problems exist, acknowledge that they do, and come up with solutions or ways to tackle them, together if possible. If the problems are made up or exaggerated, show how they are not as bad as she thinks with reasons and logic. But either way, confront the problems as important, because they are to her. Platitudes are useless to everyone involved.

 

[Ward Fowler]

Your friend is lucky to have someone that cares for her as much as you do. However, you did take a risk by telling the parents. If her parents tell her that you called them, or if she finds out some other way, she may not forgive you. That would cost both of you a friend and probably depress her even more. All you can do now is be there for her when she needs you and watch out for any warning signs that the depression is deepening.

 

[Kestra]

I don't want to comment on your specific actions, but I can give you some general advice.

Be very patient. Depression is awful, and it can be rather damaging to have a friend bail after he says he wants to help or be there for you. Be a good friend, but realize your own limits.

 

[TheBrew]

I had a friend who went through a lot of depression and almost failed out of school. We (his friends) tried to help him out, but it got to the point where we rolled the hard 6 and told his parents the problems. Not an easy decision, but the right one.

You did well.

 

[Ruaidhri]

Be there when she needs you, it's okay to make executive decisions like the one you did, because it can stave off a situation that could fuel the depression further. Think of it like an intervention. They won't like that you did it when or it they find out, but they'll hopefully appreciate it later.

Agreed with this.

One point that needs making - if you're there for her, make sure you are consistently there for her. To a 'normal' (wrong word, but you know what I mean) person, if you, say, don't phone when you said you might because you have a lot of work to do, its hardly a big deal. But that sort of thing can be a big deal to a person with depression, especially if they're feeling alone or abandoned as part of that depression.

ABSOLUTELY. Someone that is depressed will expect the worst, even of a best friend. So it's vital that you not ler her down if she's reaching out.

Depression comes in many forms, and has many causes. It is important that you understand what it is that is making her depressed before you can be much help. In all circumstances, avoiding platitudes ('it'll be ok', 'it'll all come out in the wash', etc) is very important - if genuine problems exist, acknowledge that they do, and come up with solutions or ways to tackle them, together if possible. If the problems are made up or exaggerated, show how they are not as bad as she thinks with reasons and logic. But either way, confront the problems as important, because they are to her. Platitudes are useless to everyone involved.

Also very true. I have found that when a depressed friend began magnifying little and irrelevant things that fueled her depression, the best way to get her to realize that it wasn't as bad as she thought was to ask a lot of probing questions to bring that realization out of her rather than to tell or show outright. You can't put her right at the endpoint... but you can lead the way.

Be very patient. Depression is awful, and it can be rather damaging to have a friend bail after he says he wants to help or be there for you. Be a good friend, but realize your own limits.

One other thing I'll say here is that you need to be very prepared to be frustrated and upset yourself during this process. It'll probably be hard on you too, but you can never, ever let her be aware of that. If she starts to think that she's too much of a burden on you, she'll pull away.

Be steadfast. Your friendhip will be stronger as a result.

 

[RJDiogenes]

It seems to me that she needs her meds adjusted. You should encourage her to follow through on that until she feels better. Her depression may be inhibiting her from telling her doctor that the medicine isn't working.

 

[Nathan_Heller]

Suffering from Bipolar II myself, what helps me most is my support system of family and very, very close friends that understand and just listen to me talk (or rant sometimes).