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Pitch terrible ideas for episodes

Newspaper Taxi

Newspaper Taxi

Fleet Captain
Fleet Captain
All pitched episodes will be produced, somehow. You can choose which series you want to bear the terrible burden of your episode.

"Blade in Hand." (TNG.)
This episode takes a heavy-handed allegorical take on modern gun-law problems and second amendment rights. However, they do this through a race of Ninja-aleins who only use bladed weapons. Yet they awkwardly try to plough on, getting their muddled point across.

"Standstill." (VOY.)
Nelix has been annoying everyone. Tuvok realizes at one point that maybe something is wrong with Nelix. Voyager trades medical records with a Delta Quadrent species, as this sector is known for it's poisons. This medical data has a wealth of information on Talaxian Physiology. Tuvok and the EMH look over it and find out that Nexlis has ADD by Talaxian standards. They try to get Nelix to take it...and he does, for awhile. And he's not annoying. But then he feels as if it's changing him...and the crew faces an ethical delima.

"The Man behind the curtain" (TOS; Season 3)
Kirk and Spock and company com across a planet where the natural inhabitants are all invisible. While interacting with the planet everybody turns invisible! But they can't see their fellow crewmen because they're also invisible to each other. 80% of the episode is devoid of human or alein actors and is just voice overs. Luckily, flakey science saves the day somehow.

"Point of No Return." (VOY)
A sequel to Threshhold. The Lizard children that Tom Paris and Janeway gave birth two continued to evolve at a fast pace and have become a massive empire within just a few short years. The Lizards kidnap Tom and Janeway, seeing them as their Gods, and sally forth onto war with the Galaxy. Their children are wreckless, though, and try to egg the Voth onto war. How will mama and papa get their children to behave?

"St. Valentine's Day." (ENT; early seasons.)
It's Valentine's Day on Enterprise and awkward juvenile romance ensues.
 
Newspaper Taxi said:
All pitched episodes will be produced, somehow. You can choose which series you want to bear the terrible burden of your episode.

"Blade in Hand." (TNG.)
This episode takes a heavy-handed allegorical take on modern gun-law problems and second amendment rights. However, they do this through a race of Ninja-aleins who only use bladed weapons. Yet they awkwardly try to plough on, getting their muddled point across.

"Standstill." (VOY.)
Nelix has been annoying everyone. Tuvok realizes at one point that maybe something is wrong with Nelix. Voyager trades medical records with a Delta Quadrent species, as this sector is known for it's poisons. This medical data has a wealth of information on Talaxian Physiology. Tuvok and the EMH look over it and find out that Nexlis has ADD by Talaxian standards. They try to get Nelix to take it...and he does, for awhile. And he's not annoying. But then he feels as if it's changing him...and the crew faces an ethical delima.

"The Man behind the curtain" (TOS; Season 3)
Kirk and Spock and company com across a planet where the natural inhabitants are all invisible. While interacting with the planet everybody turns invisible! But they can't see their fellow crewmen because they're also invisible to each other. 80% of the episode is devoid of human or alein actors and is just voice overs. Luckily, flakey science saves the day somehow.

"Point of No Return." (VOY)
A sequel to Threshhold. The Lizard children that Tom Paris and Janeway gave birth two continued to evolve at a fast pace and have become a massive empire within just a few short years. The Lizards kidnap Tom and Janeway, seeing them as their Gods, and sally forth onto war with the Galaxy. Their children are wreckless, though, and try to egg the Voth onto war. How will mama and papa get their children to behave?

"St. Valentine's Day." (ENT; early seasons.)
It's Valentine's Day on Enterprise and awkward juvenile romance ensues.
Click to expand...

How about a series?

OK the "series" is more a reality TV thingy. The idea is to see who has what it takes to be a "Starfleet Captain" (winner gets a trip on a Russian Rocket to stay at the lovely ISS for a week). Anyway, you get a uniform, and have to solve star-trek problems with the rest of the hopefuls. Not necessarily stuf that's been on TV but in the same vein. Maybe one week it would be zombie making creatures on an alien world -- and all the players must team up to stop them. And next week it's dealing with a ship that wants to blow you up (or so you're lead to believe).

Cast it with a bunch of Trekkies and other space buffs, and watch the fireworks.
 
"For the Sky is Dark and I have seen the Daylight" (TOS)

The crew of the Enterprise meet Plog, a 4 million year old Android who is workshipped by the people of Arsecock gamma VII. It takes over the ship, and decides that Sulu is his twin brother, killing Chekov in the process. Anyhooo, Spock mind melds with Plog and discovers that he is a child and will survive until the end of time. Plog brings Chekov back to life, but turns one third of the crew into iron fillings (much to McCoy's chagrin) - although Spock reckons this was the most logical thing to do.

The ship warps away, and Kirk wonder what will happen to Plog in 5 billion years - and then they take the piss out of Spock for something and have a good laugh about it.

"Just another Day" (TNG)

Picard must negotiate a peace treaty between two races that have been at war for 1000 years in order to secure a vaccine for an outbreak of Yellerian fever on ceti beta something or other. One race has a bumpy nose and a really high squeeky voice, the other has raised forehead and a really really low voice. Meanwhile, Data learns how to play the banjo in the holodeck and Wesley discovers a sentient life form inside the warp plasma relays. They exist in a subspace fold 47 times faster than normal time and can only communicate by banging on the pipes really really loudly.

Geordi takes some girl out and fucks it up. Again.

Or something.
 
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Newspaper Taxi said:
"Blade in Hand." (TNG.)
This episode takes a heavy-handed allegorical take on modern gun-law problems and second amendment rights. However, they do this through a race of Ninja-aleins who only use bladed weapons. Yet they awkwardly try to plough on, getting their muddled point across.
Click to expand...

But...but...Ninjas make everything better...

"Standstill." (VOY.)
Nelix has been annoying everyone. Tuvok realizes at one point that maybe something is wrong with Nelix. Voyager trades medical records with a Delta Quadrent species, as this sector is known for it's poisons. This medical data has a wealth of information on Talaxian Physiology. Tuvok and the EMH look over it and find out that Nexlis has ADD by Talaxian standards. They try to get Nelix to take it...and he does, for awhile. And he's not annoying. But then he feels as if it's changing him...and the crew faces an ethical delima.
Click to expand...

You know, with some minor tweaking, this might not be that bad of an episode. Neelix was usually annoying, but when the episode focused on him, it usually was pretty good, I thought. Like "Mortal Coil" or "Jetrel" this can provide some good character development and ethical dilemmas. However, it would only work if the solution wasn't clear-cut with everyone making out at the end. And if the ramifications carried through to other episodes, but we know TPTB wouldn't be allowed to do that.

"St. Valentine's Day." (ENT; early seasons.)
It's Valentine's Day on Enterprise and awkward juvenile romance ensues.
Click to expand...

OT: I always thought it was amusing that "Zero Hour" took place on Valentine's Day. I always wondered if that was meant to be a little throwaway gag for the writer's amusement.
 
"All for One." (ENT)
Porthos can't sleep, and howls mournfully all the time (and anyone with a Beagle knows how annoying that can be!). Phlox determines that the pooch is lonely. The crew devotes the episode to searching for a planet with a compatible species, while discussing the sexual tension aboard the NX-01. In the end they find a planet of sentient poodles, and the last shot freeze-frames on Porthos bounding happily out of a shuttle about to get some.

"I Can see for Miles" (TNG)
Geordi's visor becomes super-enhanced by a stray chroniton burst and/or tachyon storm, so he can now see into the future. Unfortunately this makes him react to emergencies before they happen, and he keeps throwing the emergency switches a full day before he needs to. Sections seal off, warp core ejects, hilarity ensues.

"Voyager's Song" (VGR)
In a very special episode, the ship's bio-neural-gel-pac-circuitry™ contracts an incurable fatal movie-of-the-week disease, brought to visual allegory by The Doctor wasting away on a biobed in sickbay. Dana DeLaney and Marg Helgenberger, who starred with Picardo in China Beach, stunt-guest-star as alien doctors trying to save him without realizing he's only a fucking hologram.

"30 Seconds Over Quark's" (DS9)
The holosuite suffers a breakdown and traps O'Brien and Bashir in their Battle of Britain scenario. Little do they know that a Jem'Hadar spy had been hiding in an inspection panel, and has now assumed the persona of an ace Nazi fighter pilot...
 
Forbin said:
"I Can see for Miles" (TNG)
Geordi's visor becomes super-enhanced by a stray chroniton burst and/or tachyon storm, so he can now see into the future.
Click to expand...

Okay, this is awesome. :D

Forbin said:
"30 Seconds Over Quark's" (DS9)
The holosuite suffers a breakdown and traps O'Brien and Bashir in their Battle of Britain scenario. Little do they know that a Jem'Hadar spy had been hiding in an inspection panel, and has now assumed the persona of an ace Nazi fighter pilot...
Click to expand...


Considering DS9 is the show that

a.) Gave us "One Little Ship," and

b.) Made it good,

I can not only see them doing this, but pulling it off. Couldn't be any worse than "Let He Who is Without Sin..."

Should I be worried that half the time I can't tell the difference between the suggestions in this thread and real episode pitches? :confused:
 
This thread is fabulous!


How about:

"One little plant" (DS9)

Sisko finds Kassidy Yates acting suspiciously again and assumes that dealing with terrorist factions must be her hobby; he follows her to the cargo bay and catches her unloading a shipment and selling it to a scummy looking alien associate of Quarks; he challenges her and unseals a crate to find out it's a huge batch of weed. Sisko breaks down with happiness, pays Kassidy himself and they end the ep stoned in Sisko's office.
 
Ent: Porthos
A Lower Decks type episode. But instead of the junior officers, we see the events of the episode though Porthos' eyes, as he wanders around the ship after the door to Archer's quarters opens after a systemwide malfunction. Yes, the episode will be in black and white. But good news, we get to see Hoshi and T'Pol's butts as the dog sniffs them, and we will finally see the chef's feet as he sneaks around the kitchen.

VOY: The Wrath of Lilith

A Malcorian ship attacks Voyager, and a starfleet ship shows up to save the day. The starship is under comand of a 140 year old Chekov who was stranded in the Delta Quadrant too. In the end, Chekov and his ship is destroyed, with a shot of Chekov screaming in his chair.


TNG: Malfunctions
Riker runs a program about one of Kirk's missions on the holodeck trying to decide whether to tell Troi about his erectile disfunction. Naturally, things goes wrong and he's trapped on the holodeck.

DS9: The Search for Voyager
The Defiant spends two weeks in the Badlands, searching for Voyager.
 
"The Rest is Silence." (TOS)

The Enterprise encounters a planet whose society has been corrupted by a book of Shakespeare's tragedies, left by an earlier explorer. Kirk and Spock attempt to right the wrong in a society where the slightest bite of a thumb can cause a swordfight to break out, and everyone stands on street corners talking to thin air about their mundane lives. Kirk makes the planetary computer explode by reading one of Harlan Ellison's forewords to it.
 
“A Quote from Shakespeare” (TOS): The Enterprise discovers a planet at a level of development equivalent to Earth’s Renaissance—and, incredibly, apparently populated by characters from the plays of William Shakespeare! How can this be? While investigating this phenomenon, Kirk and Spock are captured by King Macbeth, who uses their captured phasers to kill Macduff, conquer the leaderless kingdom of Denmark—which is just over the mountains from Scotland, apparently—and plans to conquer the world! Scotty comes up with an ingenious plan to beam down and impersonate the ghost of King Duncan, while Spock discovers a hidden, mad computer apparently left behind by a stranded member of the Karidian theater company, which now secretly controls events via the holographic “ghosts” it projects!

(Edit: Curse you, Forbin!)

“Any Old Thing” (TNG): The Enterprise is attending trade talks with the natives of planet Sekretiiv IV when a mysterious alien ship lumbers into orbit. The Sekretiivians immediately order the Enterprise to leave, without explanation, but Picard orders an away team to investigate the mysterious ship—which turns out to be run by the Ferengi, collecting on a debt owed them by the Sekretiivians! Although the Prime Directive demands that he allow the Sekretiivians to accept the consequences of their own previous dealings with the Ferengi, Picard finally makes an impassioned speech to everyone involved about how forcing people into financial responsibility and keeping their word is Wrong And Unfair, somehow. Everyone is convinced, even the Ferengi. The Enterprise heads off to its next destination.

“Turn of Phrase” (DS9, Season Three): When a Bajoran vedek and a visiting Vorta get into a stupid argument on the Promenade, ethnic tempers flare, and soon Bajor and the Dominion are threatening to drag the entire quadrant into an all-out war! Fortunately, Sisko and Odo’s respective thoughtful appeals are able to appeal to everyone’s better natures, and the peaceful future of relations with the Dominion is assured.

“Nouns” (VOY): Drawn by rumors of a world with technology capable of getting them home, Voyager’s crew discovers that it’s real—but its civilization speaks only in verbs, adverbs, adjectives, gerunds… everything but nouns. Also, they don’t have appendages, so they can’t just point at things. Can Janeway find a way to ask the aliens to give them the technology, without actually referring to it? (No.)

“Two Words” (ENT): Stranded on a planet without any way of contacting Enterprise, Trip and Malcolm further discover a unique property of the planet’s acoustics: any spoken word sets off an indecipherable, echoing cacophony that lasts for several hours. So instead, they write notes to each other to figure out a way to escape, and escape. The end.
 
"Ask Not What You Can Do For The Federation..." (TOS)

The Enterprise goes back in time and stops the assassination of JFK. Upon returning to the future, they discover the time-line hideously gone wrong. Realizing that they have to set things right, they return to the past to undo things by having Spock shoot Kennedy from the grassy knoll.

Wait, that sounds familiar... ;)
 
A Cross-over episode: Wesley, Rom, Neelix and Mayweather go on a wacky time traveling adventure that ends up invalidating the entire Trek canon. Also this would be the final episode of a different Trek series that had nothing to do with these particular characters.

Also, the holodeck is somehow involved.

And Trip dies.
 
"Die Another Day": (DS9): While leading an exploration mission aboard the runabout Rio Grande into the Gamma Quadrant, Captain Sisko mysteriously disappears only to realize he has been taken by the Founders. Dax, Bashir, and O'Brien feverishly search the wormhole, using all means of technobabble to find the Captain. Meanwhile, the Founders attempt to communicate a grave danger that is coming by way of the Gamma Quadrant, to Bajor; however, they are stuck on commenting in every other sentence how Sisko is "so linear". This angers the Captain, who responds by constantly shouting at the Founders.
Back at the station, Odo is certain that Quark is up to no good. Hilarity and witty dialogue ensues.
 
"Porthos' Day" (ENT)

A typical day in the life of Porthos is depicted from his POV through the use of a doggie-cam mounted on him. We'll see mostly feet or be looking up at the humanoid faces from a very low angle. They will only be speaking gibberish except for words like "fetch", "heel", "roll over", "cheese" or "gazelle".

Here's a bit of dialogue when Porthos sniffs a bad guy hiding in Archer's closet.

Porthos: Master, there's a bad guy hinding in your closet.
Archer: Haug bur gnsas phlg no cheese dzg ee!
Porthos: I said there's a bad guy hiding in your closet.
Archer: Pln guae fih lyheadna no cheese jmv nph usk zi!
Porthos: Jeez, what a moron.

Robert
 
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Paris finds a way for Voyager to pass the Warp-10 barrier. As a result Paris and Janeway are turned into giant sala...

What? Really!? They did? Sorry.
 
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