I am the very model of a quasi military modern admiral
I've information scientific, martial, superluminal
I know the kings Elysian, and I quote the fights historical
from Broken Bow to to Regula in order categorical
I'm very well aquainted too with matters mathematical
I understand equations from the Zephram Cochraine manual
About binomial theorem I'm teeming with a lot o' news,
I don't need to use my PADD to calculate the hypotenuse.
I'm very good at integral and differential calculus;
I know the scientific names of beings animalculous:
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Starfleet Admiral.
I've visited our history, and caused a paradox;
I learned to love myself with the aid of Doctor Phlox,
I quote in elegiacs all the crimes of Govna Kodos,
I twist across the dancefloor like a pack of oiled Odos;
I can tell undoubted Raphaels from a brand new Malatesta,
I've heard Kasseelian operas next to Regina the Contessa
Then I can play a trombone like you've never heard before
And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Pinafore.
Then I can write a washing bill in Bajoran cuneiform,
And tell you ev'ry detail of the crimson uniform
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Starfleet Admiral
In fact, I know how to feed a tardigrade its supper
When I can tell at sight a phaser from an old disruptor
When such affairs as sorties and surprises I'm more wary at,
And when I know precisely what is meant by "commissariat",
When I have learnt what progress has been made in plasma gunnery,
When I know more of tactics than a novice in a nunnery –
In short, when I've a smattering of elemental strategy –
You'll see a Starfleet Officer comfy floating there in zero gee
For my military knowledge, though I'm plucky and adventury,
Has only been brought down to the thirty second century;
But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Starfleet Admiral
(drops mic)