Transporters: the Ultimate Pest Control!

[IMC Headquarters]

Honestly, some evenings I sit outside and can't enjoy the outdoors simply because I'm food for a score of mosquitoes and horseflies who view me through their compound eyes and antennae as an all-you-can-eat buffet. And on those occasions, I wish the transporter were a real thing so I could tap my comm badge and order the computer to relocate all the voracious bugs in a two-mile radius a hundred miles away so they can't disturb my communion with the trees and sky. It can leave the crickets and fireflies and bees alone. I like them.

I'm sure many of you feel the same way. In fact, which other pests would you order relocated? Any gardeners wish whistle pigs would be whistled away? Or deer? Establish skunk free zones around the house? Allocate new living arrangements for hungry alligators homing in on your dogs?

Oh, the tantalizing promise of this technology!

 

[Qonundrum]

But no-pest strips, bug lights, and whatever replaced Studio 54 since its initial closure in 1979 are surely more alluring? As they say, honey may be better than vinegar... of course, others claim that cowpies work better than both of those combined, but that's something completely different...

 

[Ragitsu]

Allocate new living arrangements for hungry alligators homing in on your dogs?

Keeping away the latter - bigger than usual - pests would also be great; no howling or stray feces in abutting areas alone is worth the price of admission.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

which other pests would you order relocated?

Anybody who uses the phrase "Let's Go Brandon".

 

[at Quark's]

If we're going to employ futuristic technology anyway, wouldn't a skintight forcefield be far more pragmatic?

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

If we're going to employ futuristic technology anyway, wouldn't a skintight forcefield be far more pragmatic?

It wouldn't protect against physical impact the way a forcefield would.

 

[Richard S. Ta]

I'd make bad crew members put a spacesuit on, beam them outside and drag them along at impulse for a day or two with a tractor beam. See if they still feel like being insubordinate after a few days in the void.

 

[Tango]

I'd make bad crew members put a spacesuit on, beam them outside and drag them along at impulse for a day or two with a tractor beam. See if they still feel like being insubordinate after a few days in the void.

Futuristic keelhauling. Hornblower in space, indeed!

 

[at Quark's]

.

I'd make bad crew members put a spacesuit on, beam them outside and drag them along at impulse for a day or two with a tractor beam. See if they still feel like being insubordinate after a few days in the void.

- Say, where's ensign McCulham? Haven't seen him for a week or so.
- Eurm... remember Sir how during that Szrebanax system survey that extreme emergency message came in from Zorgulon 5, where we were only just able to prevent a planetwide disaster with only seconds to spare and mostly thanks to your decision to go to max warp immediately and not even wait for 10 seconds ?
- Right ...., so?
-And how we were ordered to Starbase 510 right afterwards where we spent the last 2 weeks?
- Yes, but what does that have to do with ...
- Guess he's still floating somewhere in that Szrebanax system, Sir.

 

[publiusr]

Anybody who uses the phrase "Let's Go Brandon".

You gotta feel for anyone named Brandon or Karen.

I wish we could beam a lot of problems away. We can’t even get an ansible which would seem easier.

 

[Oddish]

A transporter would be great for walking the dog, too. You just beam up the poop and don't rematerialize it.

 

[IMC Headquarters]

A transporter would be great for walking the dog, too. You just beam up the poop and don't rematerialize it.

Could also siphon it off to the replicator to make dog food. Granted, dogs would find that a complicated and unnecessary step. Which some are happy to demonstrate.

How many Australians here have woken up in the middle of the night to flick on a light switch only to find giant spiders defying gravity on their walls and ceilings? With the transporter, a good night's sleep is assured!

 

[Oddish]

Could also siphon it off to the replicator to make dog food. Granted, dogs would find that a complicated and unnecessary step. Which some are happy to demonstrate.

I needed that in my head about like I needed to be thrown through a harp at 500 mph.

 

[Oddish]

I am suddenly hesitant to even breathe, for some reason. Something to do with visualizing atomized dog crap escaping into the atmosphere

Well, beam it into the sun's gravity well, then. Sheeeeesh.

 

[publiusr]

So….you have a transporter….if you beam Blair up from THE THING…is he cured?

 

[at Quark's]

It wouldn't protect against physical impact the way a forcefield would.

I was thinking about repelling mosquitos and the like, not stopping bullets or baseball bat attacks. In my area, there are no larger pests than those mosquitoes and wasps. Well, mice perhaps.

 

[Oddish]

So….you have a transporter….if you beam Blair up from THE THING…is he cured?

Depends on what means the Thing uses to assimilate its victims... if it's biological, the bio filters should eradicate it easy enough (though not infallibly). Chemical or technological, who knows?

 

[at Quark's]

^ Which makes one think ... couldn't transporters be used to simply de-assimilate recently assimilated Borg? (if their pre-assimilation DNA was known, of course). Why would technological contamination be harder to filter out than biological contamination, after all?

 

[Elder Knight]

I am suddenly hesitant to even breathe, for some reason. Something to do with visualizing atomized dog crap escaping into the atmosphere.

It it's truly atomized (i.e., reduced to atoms), then all you'd breathing is some oxygen, hydrogen, nitrogen, and probably lots of sulfur. (I mean, unless dog crap is an element!)

You'd just have to beam it as far as possible before the atoms form molecules of methane, hydrogen sulfide, carbon dioxide and such.

Future environmentalists would have to take required courses in Atmospheric Pet Excretions. The future is crap science.