Like Barclay, I suffer from social anxiety disorder, severely. Have since childhood. The portrayal on the show is somewhat accurate and somewhat inaccurate.
I think people misunderstand social anxiety, particularly its scale and how universal it can be. It induces counter-intuitive behaviour, sometimes.
I think people misunderstand social anxiety, particularly its scale and how universal it can be. It induces counter-intuitive behaviour, sometimes.
It has wrecked my life in so many ways. Professionally worst of all. Honestly, I'm not sure there's much of a place for people like me in a capitalist society.
I'm quite smart (I don't say that to brag, it's just one of the few things about me I don't doubt) and I have a decent degree (Master's in Computer Science), that should open doors to many job opportunities.
... but those things are meaningless when I can't handle job interviews. Of course, with that came periods of long-term unemployment, which any recruiter asks about, expecting answers that aren't "mental illness".
I'm currently doing a PhD. In Belgium, that means I'm currently gainfully employed. Not getting paid as much as someone with a Master's in CS gets in the private sector, but still paid decently. I'm in my last year, though, and I'm failing. Too much left to do in too little time.
Even if I had the time, I've been depressed lately, which has hampered my progress a lot. Some days, I can force myself to work 10-12 hours, others I don't want to do anything and look forward to the (official) end of the day... where I still don't want to do anything. No work, no recreation of any kind, just eat and sleep. Even struggled to find the motivation to rewatch Star Trek, at times!
So, that'll be another stain on the CV, "spent the last few years failing a PhD, writing mediocre articles that collect very few citations".
There have been victories in the past few years, overall, I've managed to give (mediocre) presentations at conferences, which is something old me wouldn't have thought possible. But those are victories by my standards, and they take me way too long to prepare compared to my colleagues: for them, preparing a presentation is a matter of hours, it takes me days. For them, conferences are a joyful opportunity to meet familiar faces and keep informed on who is doing what, for me they're a font of constant anxiety that only abates when they end.
In fact, almost everyday is a struggle against social anxiety (and against the stress of the workload - I might be failing, but I'm going to give it all on this last chance), even in covid times when everything is done remotely. I'm so tired of that. Decades where almost everyday is filled with anxiety left me exhausted. I just want some semblance of normalcy, but I'm not going to get it. The routine many people dread, I would welcome!
When the funding runs out, I'll be back in the hopeless situation I was in a few years ago, unable to find work.
I have a small nest egg, but with no source of revenue, it'll fade quickly, and then I don't know what I'll do. I don't see a solution, and I'm so tired.
I've seen the sentiment "productivity doesn't define your worth" upthread... but in a society where it defines whether you have a roof over your head and food in your belly, the message sent is clear: it does.
) and then days going over and over what I was going to say until could do it without notes. That one went well (at least from my point of view, I probably bored the pants of my audience) next time I thought I knew my subject well enough not to put as much prep in... that was a mistake.
