Wedding Rituals

[Sophie74656]

My last relationship lasted 9 years, starting from when I was about 26, and I thought I'd eventually marry him. We lived together for like more than 7 years, and looking back I feel I was ignoring so many things and just trying to follow steps or something, and things really degenerated. I don't feel I was ever really super passionate or anything.

I've been seeing this new man for about two weeks, and I'm feeling madly head over heels, sick to my stomach, and just sort of crazy. I'm 35 now and much wiser I think, he just seems so amazing and perfect for me, but I worry if I'm turning into like one of those stereotype crazy women who want to just dive into marriage, lol.

I'm kind of in the same boat. I was 20 when I met my ex husband. Looking back there were red flags that I ignored and also looking back i do love him but i should not have married him. We were married for almost 10 years when i found out he was cheating.

Been with my current love for almost 2 years and it's completely different. No red flags, he's kind and respectful and my family adores him (they always kind of hated the ex). Being in my 30s I'm looking for different rhings and feel.smarter about the relationship. Now if only he'd propose already my eggs are ticking lol

 

[Marynator]

I'm kind of in the same boat. I was 20 when I met my ex husband. Looking back there were red flags that I ignored and also looking back i do love him but i should not have married him. We were married for almost 10 years when i found out he was cheating.

Been with my current love for almost 2 years and it's completely different. No red flags, he's kind and respectful and my family adores him (they always kind of hated the ex). Being in my 30s I'm looking for different rhings and feel.smarter about the relationship. Now if only he'd propose already my eggs are ticking lol

I so totally know what you mean about ignoring red flags, now I feel very silly for letting those go. He didn't get along with his mother, but she was sort of a narcissist, and she hated me, I suspect part of it is she might be a little racist. I thought it was okay he didn't get along with her, because I thought maybe he was choosing me over her, but he had some deep issues that I think led him to become more and more emotionally abusive over our relationship. He also was so very financially irresponsible, I'm so very glad I didn't marry him since like all our money and assets are mine, and I'm so very thankful my state doesn't have any common law marriage.

I'm so very glad to hear your new relationship is so much better! I'm feeling similar, even though I've only known him for about two weeks everything feels just so incredibly different from my last time. He's really very sweet and kind, he's dutiful to his family and takes care of his mother and his disabled brother (his father passed away last year). He goes out of his way to surprise me with things that have special meaning to me, he knows my interests and I just really feel like he's earnest and genuinely cares? I don't know, everything just feels so right, you know what I mean? He's a bit shy, which I really find rather endearing, I've been reading stories about women who proposed to their boyfriends, and I have a friend getting married and she proposed, so I'm thinking maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea, I'm just not sure how soon would be too soon to make him afraid I'm wedding-crazy, lol?

 

[Sophie74656]

I so totally know what you mean about ignoring red flags, now I feel very silly for letting those go. He didn't get along with his mother, but she was sort of a narcissist, and she hated me, I suspect part of it is she might be a little racist. I thought it was okay he didn't get along with her, because I thought maybe he was choosing me over her, but he had some deep issues that I think led him to become more and more emotionally abusive over our relationship. He also was so very financially irresponsible, I'm so very glad I didn't marry him since like all our money and assets are mine, and I'm so very thankful my state doesn't have any common law marriage.

I'm so very glad to hear your new relationship is so much better! I'm feeling similar, even though I've only known him for about two weeks everything feels just so incredibly different from my last time. He's really very sweet and kind, he's dutiful to his family and takes care of his mother and his disabled brother (his father passed away last year). He goes out of his way to surprise me with things that have special meaning to me, he knows my interests and I just really feel like he's earnest and genuinely cares? I don't know, everything just feels so right, you know what I mean? He's a bit shy, which I really find rather endearing, I've been reading stories about women who proposed to their boyfriends, and I have a friend getting married and she proposed, so I'm thinking maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea, I'm just not sure how soon would be too soon to make him afraid I'm wedding-crazy, lol?

I would wait more than 2 weeks lol. I'm on the verge of proposing myself but i kind of want the diamond, you know. I'm honestly no not as concerned with getting married but I just want to start a family since I'm already 35

 

[Marynator]

I would wait more than 2 weeks lol. I'm on the verge of proposing myself but i kind of want the diamond, you know. I'm honestly no not as concerned with getting married but I just want to start a family since I'm already 35

lol oh yes, I don't think I'm that crazy (yet!). I don't feel the diamond's all so important to me, and I'd rather have an intimate proposal in my living room and not one of those grandiose stunts people do on youtube, you know what I mean? I'd totally wear a ring, but I could always buy one? I totally hear what you're saying, I'm your exact same age and I do sort of feel a bit of a different push to get moving now than when I was in my 20s. Just a few weeks ago I was imagining living as a spinster and I was sort of at peace with that, I just really don't have it in me now for another long drawn out relationship that isn't going to be permanent with a family, you know? It's sort of funny how similar our situations are, we're both the same age and we previously had bad decade-long relationships, lol.

 

[UncleRogi]

I so totally know what you mean about ignoring red flags, now I feel very silly for letting those go. He didn't get along with his mother, but she was sort of a narcissist, and she hated me, I suspect part of it is she might be a little racist. I thought it was okay he didn't get along with her, because I thought maybe he was choosing me over her, but he had some deep issues that I think led him to become more and more emotionally abusive over our relationship. He also was so very financially irresponsible, I'm so very glad I didn't marry him since like all our money and assets are mine, and I'm so very thankful my state doesn't have any common law marriage.

I'm so very glad to hear your new relationship is so much better! I'm feeling similar, even though I've only known him for about two weeks everything feels just so incredibly different from my last time. He's really very sweet and kind, he's dutiful to his family and takes care of his mother and his disabled brother (his father passed away last year). He goes out of his way to surprise me with things that have special meaning to me, he knows my interests and I just really feel like he's earnest and genuinely cares? I don't know, everything just feels so right, you know what I mean? He's a bit shy, which I really find rather endearing, I've been reading stories about women who proposed to their boyfriends, and I have a friend getting married and she proposed, so I'm thinking maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea, I'm just not sure how soon would be too soon to make him afraid I'm wedding-crazy, lol?

My ex and I went out for about 2 1/2 years, and she did propose to me. She didn't want a diamond
(she said) and we got a nice matching set of Celtic style white gold rings. Another thing is we could wear
each others rings!

 

[Sophie74656]

lol oh yes, I don't think I'm that crazy (yet!). I don't feel the diamond's all so important to me, and I'd rather have an intimate proposal in my living room and not one of those grandiose stunts people do on youtube, you know what I mean? I'd totally wear a ring, but I could always buy one? I totally hear what you're saying, I'm your exact same age and I do sort of feel a bit of a different push to get moving now than when I was in my 20s. Just a few weeks ago I was imagining living as a spinster and I was sort of at peace with that, I just really don't have it in me now for another long drawn out relationship that isn't going to be permanent with a family, you know? It's sort of funny how similar our situations are, we're both the same age and we previously had bad decade-long relationships, lol.

Yea that's interesting Pretty much our third date i told him i was looking for something serious and that i didn't want to waste my time with someone who didn't want the same things. My bf was married before also so we're both nervous about getting married again.

 

[Sophie74656]

My ex and I went out for about 2 1/2 years, and she did propose to me. She didn't want a diamond
(she said) and we got a nice matching set of Celtic style white gold rings. Another thing is we could wear
each others rings!

I think i would prefer a more traditional ring. It doesn't have to be a diamond, it could be cz. But I know he can afford a diamond

 

[auntiehill]

Both of my sisters had HUGE weddings (both divorced, too, btw) and when I finally got married at 34, my mother insisted that they would pay for everything, just as they'd paid for my sisters. I was very grateful, but also very mindful of how much they'd already spent previously. My husband and I didn't want a big wedding; hell, we didn't even know that many people. I found a location in Austin, where my parents lived and where I lived before moving in with hubby--it was a lovely spot overlooking Lake Travis not far from where my parents lived. We had a small wedding (about 60-70 people, tops) on a lovely spring day.

We had a short, simple ceremony--completely free from any religious references. We said simple vows (love,honor, cherish for as long as we both shall live, etc ), the officiant read a poem ( I don't even remember now) and we lit a unity candle. Hubby had his best friend as the Best Man and I had my best friend as my Matron of honor. My nieces were the flower girls and nephew was ring bearer. My mom took care of the flowers and hubby's nephews were the ushers. A bagpiper played on a hill in the background. Then we were off to dinner and dancing. Quick, easy, fun and lighthearted.

Our wedding was only a fraction of what my sisters' weddings had cost; I bought my entire bridal gown, headpiece, and veil for about $600 and hubby rented the tux. And we just celebrated our 14th anniversary a few months ago.

 

[Jedman67]

lol oh yes, I don't think I'm that crazy (yet!). I don't feel the diamond's all so important to me, and I'd rather have an intimate proposal in my living room and not one of those grandiose stunts people do on youtube, you know what I mean? I'd totally wear a ring, but I could always buy one? I totally hear what you're saying, I'm your exact same age and I do sort of feel a bit of a different push to get moving now than when I was in my 20s. Just a few weeks ago I was imagining living as a spinster and I was sort of at peace with that, I just really don't have it in me now for another long drawn out relationship that isn't going to be permanent with a family, you know? It's sort of funny how similar our situations are, we're both the same age and we previously had bad decade-long relationships, lol.

Wow, that sounds very exciting, Marynator! I wish you lots of luck and happiness!!!
Going on about 9 years ago now, I was introduced to this sweet young lady, we had a lot in common but her relationship with her parents drove me bonkers. Despite being head-over heels in love, or so i thought, her lack of personal-ambition regarding herself, as her own person, just annoyed me. Like constantly. Her parents would take her on impromptu vacations whenever she had a break from college, without really any warning, or even consideration that we might like to have a date now and again.
I finally broke up with her after 7-8 months because it was too much.

A little over a year ago she ended up marrying one of my closest friends and former roommate. Life works in mysterious ways, eh?

 

[Sophie74656]

It's interesting, someone's relationship with their parents says a lot. My ex and his dad were always in yelling matches trying to prove the other wrong.

 

[auntiehill]

^ I think it's true. Hubby and I are/were both very close to our Moms but not that close to our Dads. I think it says a lot about someone if they, as adults, have a friendship with at least one of their parents. I see it as a good indicator of emotional stability and confidence.

I've seen some people--we're talking 30 and over-- who still revert to children in the presence of their parents. It's really creepy and rather pathetic.

 

[Sophie74656]

Plus the parents themselves are important. They're a big part of your life too. My boyfriends parents and whole family are amazing.

 

[Catarina]

Lovely

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

@auntiehill - you and hubby make a really cute couple and we all wish you decades upon decades of happiness.

 

[auntiehill]

Thanks!

 

[maneth]

My husband and I had a very small wedding, immediate family only. We got married at a Local Register Office (think city hall) in a non-religious ceremony. Neither one of us wanted a big wedding or a lot of fuss.

I was 8 months pregnant at the time, so nobody questioned our choice. I was wearing a pink-white-gray maternity tunic and black pants, my husband wore his best suit and a pink-gray tie to match my tunic. My sister and SIL were our witnesses, no maids of honor or best men. But it was a very special day for us, and we got away with very little wedding stress, and no debt!

The reception, such as it was, was held at our home. We had asked for a tea/coffee service as a wedding gift, and it was delivered in the morning before the wedding so we could use it for the reception.

Before getting married, we had dated for four years and we'd lived together for about four months before deciding to try to get me pregnant. I was 36 and my biological clock was ticking, but I certainly didn't expect to get pregnant in the first month of trying... I'm not very conventional in any case, but I nevertheless wanted to be married before giving birth. So there was no proposal either, just me saying something like "You know, I'd really like to get married before our baby arrives..." and he just said, "OK, I'll print out the forms for the marriage licence tomorrow"... or something like that.

Some might think that was very prosaic, but it worked for us. Nine years and counting. Some friends who organized lavish weddings are no longer married.

 

[Herbert]

Very small ceremony with immediate family, officiated by a justice of the peace. I was raised Catholic but I don't practice.
We didn't want to spend gobs of money and essentially go into debt as a result. I'm fortunate (and happy!) that she is financially responsible. I am too.

We picked a spot we both liked, Castle Craig, Meriden CT, and had the ceremony there. It was autumn so we got the foliage as well, which was nice.

 

[Herbert]

Some might think that was very prosaic, but it worked for us. Nine years and counting. Some friends who organized lavish weddings are no longer married.

Good for you. People should decide what works for them, instead of feeling pressured by or beholden to irrelevant societal expectations.

I applaud people who wait to get married. I also applaud people who have the emotional maturity to decide that they don't need someone else in order to be happy.
And if couples decide they don't want kids, more power to them. There are too many people on this planet anyway.

 

[Marynator]

Both of my sisters had HUGE weddings (both divorced, too, btw) and when I finally got married at 34, my mother insisted that they would pay for everything, just as they'd paid for my sisters. I was very grateful, but also very mindful of how much they'd already spent previously. My husband and I didn't want a big wedding; hell, we didn't even know that many people. I found a location in Austin, where my parents lived and where I lived before moving in with hubby--it was a lovely spot overlooking Lake Travis not far from where my parents lived. We had a small wedding (about 60-70 people, tops) on a lovely spring day.

We had a short, simple ceremony--completely free from any religious references. We said simple vows (love,honor, cherish for as long as we both shall live, etc ), the officiant read a poem ( I don't even remember now) and we lit a unity candle. Hubby had his best friend as the Best Man and I had my best friend as my Matron of honor. My nieces were the flower girls and nephew was ring bearer. My mom took care of the flowers and hubby's nephews were the ushers. A bagpiper played on a hill in the background. Then we were off to dinner and dancing. Quick, easy, fun and lighthearted.

Our wedding was only a fraction of what my sisters' weddings had cost; I bought my entire bridal gown, headpiece, and veil for about $600 and hubby rented the tux. And we just celebrated our 14th anniversary a few months ago.

OMG your photos are amazingly gorgeous! Your hubby looks so very handsome, and you look so radiantly happy. Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful wedding photographs and story!

My sister went into huge debt for her wedding, my parents don't have any money and couldn't help her. I think she was happy, though her wedding was a little bit of a disaster. She sort of wanted a really formal wedding but also wanted a fun outdoor wedding and tried to do both at the same time, and I'm not sure she shouldn't have just picked one? Her reception was in May but in Ontario it was unseasonably cold and totally frigid. Her tents were nightmares of cold, and most of us were seriously under dressed (oh dear it was literally below freezing and I was wearing sandals, lol). Her heaters were doing nothing and we were all sitting for so many speeches, it was so hard to even listen, I altered my maid of honor speech on the spot so people wouldn't have to suffer through it, no one was listening anyway. I feel for a really formal wedding you probably work better indoors, but outside is more fun to be kind of casual?

@Jedman67 thank you so kindly for your lovely words! I'm so very sorry hearing about your ex, but I'm glad she and your friend are happy!

I so totally agree his relationship with his parents and family is important, especially after my last disaster. I could understand though if his parents were really pieces of work and he was abused or something, but has made something of his life. But I think a bad relationship with his parents and other red flags might be a big warning? He had no ambition and he was very financially irresponsible, and he was emotionally abusive himself, I don't think he's going to change, and I really feel sad for his sake. My new boyfriend has such a wonderful relationship with his family, he takes care of his mother and his disabled little brother (who has cerebral palsy). His father sadly passed away last year, I'm very proud of him for making sure his mother is taken care of, I'm excited to meet her on Sunday. My only wonder is why he isn't married already, but I think he's just shy and very soft spoken, he's not what you'd call an "alpha male", but I find his sensitivity extremely endearing and attractive.

Thank you so kindly everyone for sharing your stories! I just love reading all of them, how different we all are and I thank you for also talking about courtship! This is such a lovely thread.

 

[Jedman67]

@Marynator about two years after that breakup, I ran into a college friend I hadn't seen in a couple of years. We got back in touch and his wife decided to introduce me to one of her college friends.
We've been married six years, so it all works out in the end.