The absolute worst film you've ever seen
- Thread starter PureCrimson
- Start date
I find Starcrash to be much more terrible than Battle Beyond the Stars.Ah! Thanks. Still the worst thing....
Either Cry Wilderness or The Room.
The Headless Woman (2008)
In my pursuit to hear unreleased films scores by composers I know and don't know, I've seen or skimmed through some turkeys. While thankfully I've forgotten most of them (except, of course, "Star Trek: Nemesis"), I cannot un-see and not remember a particularly bad and sort of oddly viewable one called "Elves". What I said about it back at the time:
I have seen ... things...
Don't ask why, but I watched a 1989 film called "Elves".
SPOILERS (near full plot details given)
How the hell do I describe this film?
Julie Austin plays Kirsten, a special girl which Nazis and an evil elf (no, not the Santa kind, though the film does take place during Christmas) have a very special interest in.
Kirsten lives with her mother and her German wheelchair-bound grandfather. At least, she thought she did...
Her and her two friends go out at night into the woods and play around and do a weird black magic spell, cutting their hands and letting blood into the ground. This awakens something.
That something is an elf. An evil, ugly, classic slow moving, mouth agape elf, that follows her.
We soon learn that her mother is actually her older sister and her grandfather is her dad, and that he knocked up his own daughter to give birth to Kirsten, to create the perfect pure line (old Nazi pure race crap), and that it was done on purpose so that she would mate with the elf and create an army, eventually, of evil elves to fight the rest of the free-loving world.
The elf stocks her, killing people who mistreated her, as we find out he protects her since he has to mate with her later, at midnight on Christmas.
Early on she encounters Mike McGavin, a surprisingly interesting and thoughtful, fairly intelligent character (played very well by somebody named Dan Haggerty). He doesn't know the elf is protecting her, so his mission is to try and save her life and her family's life.
She's trying to escape the evil elf, save her brother and mother and gramps, he's trying to save her, and a old Nazi man and his two henchmen sent to ensure the elf and Kirsten mate, is pursuing her.
Nazis, an elf, and family incest. It's awful, but yet "enjoyable" at the same time.
Where else do you find a film that gives us such lines as:
McGavin: "You're a goddamn Nazi!"
Mall Santa to Kirsten who sat on his lap (whisper): "Oral..."
Kirsten: "What?"
Santa: "Santa said oral..."
WHACK
Younger brother after peeping at her from exiting the shower, running away.
Kirsten: "What are you doing? You're not supposed to do that, I'm your fucking sister!"
Brother: "You got fucking big tits and I'm gonna tell everybody I saw them!"
Brother: "Is everything all right?"
Kirsten: "No, gramps is a Nazi."
Are there any real pluses to this ... film?
Well, aside from getting to see Deanna Lund naked, full behind and frontal, yes -- there is.
About half the film is actually written pretty well. The general plot is thought out much further than a lower budget version would have been (though its got plenty of plot holes) and the characters and film have time to breath and be interesting.
The characters are all, for the most part, believable and done well. The film, in spite of uglier elements, has some positive messages hidden around; the ex-Nazi gramps cares about his daughter and tries to make sure she stays on the straight & narrow. The family cares about each other, except the fucking crazy mom and disgusting thing she does to the cat. McGavin plays a caring, soft yet strong hero with good ethics.
The film tries, two or three times to send positive messages about life, like believing in the right things, not getting caught up in the wrong crowd, and Nazi's are fucking evil (as opposed to some of today's Hollywood).
So, who lives, who dies, and does the elf fuck Kirsten? Only those brave enough to see this ... thing ... will have the answers.
I have seen ... things...
Don't ask why, but I watched a 1989 film called "Elves".
SPOILERS (near full plot details given)
The horror...
The horror...
The horror...
How the hell do I describe this film?
Julie Austin plays Kirsten, a special girl which Nazis and an evil elf (no, not the Santa kind, though the film does take place during Christmas) have a very special interest in.
Kirsten lives with her mother and her German wheelchair-bound grandfather. At least, she thought she did...
Her and her two friends go out at night into the woods and play around and do a weird black magic spell, cutting their hands and letting blood into the ground. This awakens something.
That something is an elf. An evil, ugly, classic slow moving, mouth agape elf, that follows her.
We soon learn that her mother is actually her older sister and her grandfather is her dad, and that he knocked up his own daughter to give birth to Kirsten, to create the perfect pure line (old Nazi pure race crap), and that it was done on purpose so that she would mate with the elf and create an army, eventually, of evil elves to fight the rest of the free-loving world.
The elf stocks her, killing people who mistreated her, as we find out he protects her since he has to mate with her later, at midnight on Christmas.
Early on she encounters Mike McGavin, a surprisingly interesting and thoughtful, fairly intelligent character (played very well by somebody named Dan Haggerty). He doesn't know the elf is protecting her, so his mission is to try and save her life and her family's life.
She's trying to escape the evil elf, save her brother and mother and gramps, he's trying to save her, and a old Nazi man and his two henchmen sent to ensure the elf and Kirsten mate, is pursuing her.
Nazis, an elf, and family incest. It's awful, but yet "enjoyable" at the same time.
Where else do you find a film that gives us such lines as:
McGavin: "You're a goddamn Nazi!"
Mall Santa to Kirsten who sat on his lap (whisper): "Oral..."
Kirsten: "What?"
Santa: "Santa said oral..."
WHACK
Younger brother after peeping at her from exiting the shower, running away.
Kirsten: "What are you doing? You're not supposed to do that, I'm your fucking sister!"
Brother: "You got fucking big tits and I'm gonna tell everybody I saw them!"
Brother: "Is everything all right?"
Kirsten: "No, gramps is a Nazi."
Are there any real pluses to this ... film?
Well, aside from getting to see Deanna Lund naked, full behind and frontal, yes -- there is.
About half the film is actually written pretty well. The general plot is thought out much further than a lower budget version would have been (though its got plenty of plot holes) and the characters and film have time to breath and be interesting.
The characters are all, for the most part, believable and done well. The film, in spite of uglier elements, has some positive messages hidden around; the ex-Nazi gramps cares about his daughter and tries to make sure she stays on the straight & narrow. The family cares about each other, except the fucking crazy mom and disgusting thing she does to the cat. McGavin plays a caring, soft yet strong hero with good ethics.
The film tries, two or three times to send positive messages about life, like believing in the right things, not getting caught up in the wrong crowd, and Nazi's are fucking evil (as opposed to some of today's Hollywood).
So, who lives, who dies, and does the elf fuck Kirsten? Only those brave enough to see this ... thing ... will have the answers.
I think I'd have to say Downsizing.
It is the most boring movie I have ever seen in my life. It is a BORE HOLE. If my dad hadn't been there with me, I would have fallen asleep within ten minutes. This is what it's like to be in the audience of this film:
TICK.
(20-minute pause)
TOCK.
(another 20-minute pause)
TICK. etc.
The only reason we went to see this is because part of it takes place in Omaha, where we live, although the actual city only appears in like ten seconds of screen time (most of the actual filming was done elsewhere).
Some of the problems I have with this movie:
- Needs more Christoph Waltz. His character is actually pretty funny in this film. He's this party-like-a-rock-star type who makes his money selling things from the normal-sized world in the "shrunk" world.
- Needs a LOT more Hong Chau.
- WAY too many Norwegian hippies.
- You'd think that Kristen Wiig couldn't possibly screw up, but she did. Her character is a whiny bitch who first agrees to be shrunk along with her husband (Damon's character) but backs out at the last minute and leaves him stuck.
- The actual plot is not really about people shrinking themselves; it's mostly a doomsday "we're all going to die" radical environmentalist screed.
It is the most boring movie I have ever seen in my life. It is a BORE HOLE. If my dad hadn't been there with me, I would have fallen asleep within ten minutes. This is what it's like to be in the audience of this film:
TICK.
(20-minute pause)
TOCK.
(another 20-minute pause)
TICK. etc.
The only reason we went to see this is because part of it takes place in Omaha, where we live, although the actual city only appears in like ten seconds of screen time (most of the actual filming was done elsewhere).
Some of the problems I have with this movie:
- Needs more Christoph Waltz. His character is actually pretty funny in this film. He's this party-like-a-rock-star type who makes his money selling things from the normal-sized world in the "shrunk" world.
- Needs a LOT more Hong Chau.
- WAY too many Norwegian hippies.
- You'd think that Kristen Wiig couldn't possibly screw up, but she did. Her character is a whiny bitch who first agrees to be shrunk along with her husband (Damon's character) but backs out at the last minute and leaves him stuck.
- The actual plot is not really about people shrinking themselves; it's mostly a doomsday "we're all going to die" radical environmentalist screed.
"Under the Cherry Moon", starring Prince and Jerome (Morris Day's sidekick in "The Tyme"), and directed by Prince. Prince was perhaps the most gifted musician of his generation, but his acting and directing was horrific.
Movie appeared to want to be a screwball rom com, with Prince and his wingman, Jerome, chasing this spacey but "beautiful" diva. It all takes place in a kind of a fantasy atmosphere at this Italian (maybe) luxury hotel. Wacky romantic shenanigans ensue. But at the end of the movie, in a move that completely destroys the rom com setup, Prince's character dies.
The whole thing makes no sense whatsoever, but I can see Prince deciding that he wanted the movie to have this "poignant" and memorable ending, never mind that this ending appears to be from an entirely different movie.
Movie appeared to want to be a screwball rom com, with Prince and his wingman, Jerome, chasing this spacey but "beautiful" diva. It all takes place in a kind of a fantasy atmosphere at this Italian (maybe) luxury hotel. Wacky romantic shenanigans ensue. But at the end of the movie, in a move that completely destroys the rom com setup, Prince's character dies.
The whole thing makes no sense whatsoever, but I can see Prince deciding that he wanted the movie to have this "poignant" and memorable ending, never mind that this ending appears to be from an entirely different movie.
"Virus" with Donald Sutherland and Jamie Lee Curtis was so bad I fell asleep in the movies
M. Night Shyamalan's "The Village" pissed me off about twenty minutes into it when William Hurt mentioned something about being attacked in an alley, and I thought to myself "This village doesn't have alleys. Goddammit, if this is present day, I'll be pissed." Lo and behold, I walked out of the theater fuming.
M. Night Shyamalan's "The Village" pissed me off about twenty minutes into it when William Hurt mentioned something about being attacked in an alley, and I thought to myself "This village doesn't have alleys. Goddammit, if this is present day, I'll be pissed." Lo and behold, I walked out of the theater fuming.
Does 'So bad it's hilarious' count as worst ever? Or is this topic for 'Unwatchable bad' movies?
*Reads thread*
Oh, everybody is treating the topic as 'Movie I dislike that I am most mad to see other people praise'. Should have expected as much. Something by Lars Von Trier I guess? Maybe Ordet?
Not bad movies objectively, but I dislike them and other people think they're great, so totally appropriate to be my contribution to this thread.
*Reads thread*
Oh, everybody is treating the topic as 'Movie I dislike that I am most mad to see other people praise'. Should have expected as much. Something by Lars Von Trier I guess? Maybe Ordet?
Not bad movies objectively, but I dislike them and other people think they're great, so totally appropriate to be my contribution to this thread.
I was able to sit through that one, although I was bored the majority of the film and really didn't care for the ending. Having said that...
It's a great film when compared to "Lady in the Water", which I not only didn't like, but felt deeply insulted by. As a result of those two films and the reviews for others that came after, I've skipped everything he's done since and haven't missed him!
A
Amaris
Guest
God's Not Dead (2014). I watched it because someone asked me to, and it was the most mind numbing dreck I'd ever had the displeasure of watching. I am glad they gave me a DVD to watch rather than paying money for it. I would have felt horrible for contributing to such an awful, awful film. It was worse than Battlefield: Earth (2000), and THAT film was a giant clusterfuck in and of itself.
The Tree of Life. Couldn't watch very much of this pretentious film.
Star Wars: Rogue One. Was only able to watch 20 minutes of it before getting bored.
Stargate: The Ark of Truth. Worst Stargate movie ever. The actors weren't even trying.
Memento. Just couldn't get into this one. Too confusing.
Star Trek Into Darkness. Just bad. The acting was forced all around and I want to forget it, minus Leonard Nimoy's cameo. He's the only good part of this movie.
Star Trek Nemesis. Hated Data's singing in this. But the worst part was the costuming and the makeup. Just cheap all around. The acting wasn't bad though. So it's not on the very worst movies list for me, just the most disappointing. One bright spot was Troi and Riker getting married (minus the aforementioned singing). I'm a huge shipper of those two.
The Pretender: Island of the Haunted. This was a nightmare! Acting was ok... but the ending. Holy cow.
Ms. Parker and Jarod find out that they're brother and sister right before they kiss! Talk about a mood killer. Was a big shipper of those two, so it really bummed me out and kind of grossed me out. 
Star Wars: Rogue One. Was only able to watch 20 minutes of it before getting bored.
Stargate: The Ark of Truth. Worst Stargate movie ever. The actors weren't even trying.
Memento. Just couldn't get into this one. Too confusing.
Star Trek Into Darkness. Just bad. The acting was forced all around and I want to forget it, minus Leonard Nimoy's cameo. He's the only good part of this movie.
Star Trek Nemesis. Hated Data's singing in this. But the worst part was the costuming and the makeup. Just cheap all around. The acting wasn't bad though. So it's not on the very worst movies list for me, just the most disappointing. One bright spot was Troi and Riker getting married (minus the aforementioned singing). I'm a huge shipper of those two.
The Pretender: Island of the Haunted. This was a nightmare! Acting was ok... but the ending. Holy cow.
Ms. Parker and Jarod find out that they're brother and sister right before they kiss! Talk about a mood killer. Was a big shipper of those two, so it really bummed me out and kind of grossed me out.
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I saw it too. I began to envy Wiig because she escaped the movie and I was trapped.
The movie is an interesting idea and the supporting cast is great. The problem is that the focus is Matt Damon being duller than grass growing. His whole arc is “I want to make a difference” to “I was doing it the whole time”. He doesn’t grow, he just learns to appreciate what he was already doing and is bland about it the entire time. That puppet of him from Team America displayed more range than he did.
Why did you have to remind me that piece of cinematic crap even exists?
