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Depression/Suicide (This May Get Very Personal)
- Thread starter Brie
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Amaris
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J., you know I think very highly of you ... but ... this statement ... it makes me wanna smack you in the back of the head.
Believe me, I know how dark and desolate life can look from within a depression, and why someone as generous, thoughtful, decent, eloquent, funny, and, yes, loving, as you might make a statement like this. I really do understand where it's coming from.
But it's categorically false and if I do need to smack you upside the head to convince you of it ... well, then ...
*smack*
(and *hugs* because while I've not had to deal with what you're dealing with, I've known the abject feelings of hopelessness your statement conveys, and I know that, no matter how irrational I knew those thoughts and feelings to be - I just couldn't help having them. You certainly deserve better and I truly hope - and believe - that, one day, you *will* find your redemption).
Again, while I can't begin to relate to this specifics of your experiences, this quote is *exactly* how I felt when I was attending pharmacy college. Those were bleak, dark times. I'm glad to hear things are improving for you. And I think it's very cool how open and matter of fact you are about everything. Shows a great deal of confidence.
BTW, is that you in your avatar?
Again, while I can't begin to relate to this specifics of your experiences, this quote is *exactly* how I felt when I was attending pharmacy college. Those were bleak, dark times. I'm glad to hear things are improving for you. And I think it's very cool how open and matter of fact you are about everything. Shows a great deal of confidence.
BTW, is that you in your avatar?
Thanks
It took a lot to post this as I normally don't tell anyone, I obviously don't want to be trans, I'm just a woman y'know? And yes that's me from I think new years eve last year.
So when I take calls, we have this model that we follow but I think that it works well in other situations as well. We ask questions about options and come up with them, which we've done a bit in this thread. Do you think you want to try any of them? What do your next steps look like?
No professional involvement.
It's a daily struggle for me to not only be happy, but to not find myself thinking about killing myself. To not slowly go down the spiral of negative that draws those thoughts into ideas, to potential action. For years I've acted out here, in TNZ, because I thought it made me feel better but it's was only building my self hate through the hate of others because all I've really ever known is being hated by others.
What's my biggest self hate, my weight. But my second is any time I'm happy, or something good is going for me. I always have to find a way to sabotage it. To kill it and find myself sitting at the edge of the pool of negativity just waiting for me to jump right back in. Something I do, or say, or think. It isn't like I try, I'm just born with a gift I guess. Maybe I'm just not supposed to interact with others, to have friends. Best to lock away and hide away.
Looking at the pool once again.
It's a daily struggle for me to not only be happy, but to not find myself thinking about killing myself. To not slowly go down the spiral of negative that draws those thoughts into ideas, to potential action. For years I've acted out here, in TNZ, because I thought it made me feel better but it's was only building my self hate through the hate of others because all I've really ever known is being hated by others.
What's my biggest self hate, my weight. But my second is any time I'm happy, or something good is going for me. I always have to find a way to sabotage it. To kill it and find myself sitting at the edge of the pool of negativity just waiting for me to jump right back in. Something I do, or say, or think. It isn't like I try, I'm just born with a gift I guess. Maybe I'm just not supposed to interact with others, to have friends. Best to lock away and hide away.
Looking at the pool once again.
Have you looked at the state run assisted care facilities? People are almost universally negative when initially presented with the idea of moving a loved one out of their home and into fulltime care. But we don't always see the positives and I'm not talking about to the caregivers but to the patient. Once you are in the system a lot of programs become available, often onsite, that are expensive and difficult to access as an individual. Here's some things off the top of my head, I'm sure people who work in the field can chime in.
Physiotherapy. If you are in a care facility this is going to be provided as a part of the care. Sure it would be better to have private physiotherapy and you might say "but someone just comes by once a week, doesn't seem very effective.." but it's still a part of baseline care that you will get in the most basic care facility.
Outings. I have known people whose lives have been amazingly changed to get to go on outings and it's all because a care facility has wheelchair vans and programs to take people places. This would be prohibitively expensive to do as an individual but you get a care facility with a couple vans and a recreation program and suddenly a homebound person can go out and do things. I don't know if your mom gets to go out much but since you say you are home almost 24 hours a day I assume not. It can be very important for a person's overall physical and mental health to have outings to look forward to every month.
Meals. If you haven't got a lot of money even care facility food can be an improvement. Sometimes people really enjoy the change too and of course nothing is stopping family from bringing in favorite meals when they want to.
Access to medical care and specialists as needed. The crisis that can happen when a homebound person suddenly gets much worse or even ends up with a regular flu or gastro is removed from your shoulders when that person is already in a care facility. It's peace of mind, you know that not just one but many medically trained professionals will be monitoring your loved ones condition.
Social life. Can't emphasize this enough. Being homebound is terrible for anyone and even if you have regular visitors of friends and relatives (which it seems is not your situation) your world becomes very small. In a care facility there are other patients to take you out of yourself, chat to, there are visitors and programs being run with recreation people coming in, there's a whole wider world. This is just plain good for people and something that many folk don't realize is needed until they have access to it and their world is suddenly more stimulating.
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You say that if she went into such a place "the final indignity would kill her". It doesn't have to be an indignity, and it doesn't help if other people present it that way to her (not saying you would be doing this). Resistance to leaving the home when elderly or disabled is pretty much universal. And it's a painful and difficult thing to do, but what's not often seen until you get there is the benefits and how it can improve one's life.
And the thing is everything you do for your mom would still be doable, maybe even more doable, in the situation of her being in a care facility. You could sit with her every single day, bring her food, watch tv with her.. you could be as attentive as you wished. But you could also say goodnight and know she was in good hands, go off to whatever aspect of life you had planned for the evening for yourself. In a care facility if you wanted to take your mom out for a walk you'd have other people to help get her ready, you'd have some grounds to walk around in if it wasn't practical to go far. You'd have access to wheelchairs. In other words it would be easier to do things with your mom, and if you had your own life you would be enthused, refreshed and being able to give to her would be much less of a burden.
Please don't write this option off without really investigating it. People believe a lot of stuff about how bad it is to go "into a home" because that's a meme we hear all the time, but it's not based on the full picture.
I really think there is no need for it to be all or nothing. ALL you or DEATH may be how it seems in your mind because that's the way it's been for so long but the time has come to demand and explore alternatives. Whether that's an assisted care facility or some way of nailing down relatives or begging for volunteers a couple days a week through charities or church groups it is in the best interests of both your mom and yourself to say that things are now going to change.
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Amaris
Guest
J., you know I think very highly of you ... but ... this statement ... it makes me wanna smack you in the back of the head.
Believe me, I know how dark and desolate life can look from within a depression, and why someone as generous, thoughtful, decent, eloquent, funny, and, yes, loving, as you might make a statement like this. I really do understand where it's coming from.
But it's categorically false and if I do need to smack you upside the head to convince you of it ... well, then ...
*smack*
(and *hugs* because while I've not had to deal with what you're dealing with, I've known the abject feelings of hopelessness your statement conveys, and I know that, no matter how irrational I knew those thoughts and feelings to be - I just couldn't help having them. You certainly deserve better and I truly hope - and believe - that, one day, you *will* find your redemption).
Thank you. *hugs*
I know I tend to be very hard on myself, I always have been. Nothing was ever good enough. I still feel the same way today, but I'm too exhausted to chastise myself.
I don't know where it came from, though. I used to have these feelings, when I was little, that I didn't deserve to eat, or that having a warm blanket was something that someone like me shouldn't have had. Maybe it was because we were so poor, and at times homeless, that I just didn't understand why anyone would want to spend any of their resources on someone like me. It wasn't something that my parents said or did, it's just something I believed, and still do to an extent.
Kes, I'll answer your question with teacake's below, as to keep the answer all in one place.
I did contact my family, and stopped being nice about it. I put everything in it, explained exactly why I need the help, and that out of sight, out of mind was no excuse to abandon their sister/aunt. I reminded them of all the things she has done for them in the past, and even what I had done for them in the past, in an effort to flat out shame them for their selfishness regarding her health. I didn't sugarcoat anything, and I told them I didn't just need help, that it was the difference between life and death for her, and that I simply could not keep doing it, that it was killing me.
So far the responses have ranged from silence, to "I'd help if I could, but see...", which is what I expected from them, though I haven't heard back from everyone yet. I'm hoping it got through to some of them.
Regarding the nursing home benefits, I agree with the concept behind it all, and the knowledge that she would get good care, but she won't go, and dad has already promised (and I did too, years ago, before this ever got to the point it is now) that he would never put her in a nursing care facility, even if she could get in.
My preferred option is to get her into a PT rehab center, where people go in, stay a number of weeks, and the rehab people get her up and walking, which would solve just about everything in one fell swoop. Of course, they're more expensive, and it's harder to get insurance to cover them (especially mom and dad's insurance), but that's where I have been aiming. She's receptive to that, but a nursing home? When I said the indignity would kill her, I meant that she would lose all hope and will. She has some serious issues with nursing homes, ones involving what happened to her father and her mother, so on nursing homes I have no room to budge. She would flat out refuse, and I can't blame her. The ones around here have some very sketchy to downright awful track records.
So unless the family comes through, I've got the rest of my chips on these rehab centers, hoping that I can finally get her into one. Of course, this has been ongoing for some time, and I have tried many times with no positive result, but I keep trying. One of these days, our insurance provider will have an acid trip, or an aneurysm, and approve her application for one of these facilities, and she'll finally get the PT/OT therapy she desperately needs.
This would have been so much easier under a single payer system. She would have had her therapy years ago, and I would have been living my life. Go USA.
I guess I just don't understand why my family has to be full of self-serving assholes. They could have got together, and helped her into such a PT/OT facility, or they could have come over every week and helped me cook and clean. They could have given her the support she needed to get back on her feet, but they didn't. Selfish family, mom's under the age to where she can receive help from the state/federal government, and we just don't have the money. It feels like a perfect storm for a shitty situation.
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J. I think you need to go look at nursing homes and other facilities that are state level and familiarize yourself with them. I know you say she won't budge but believe me a lot of people have had parents say that. She had a bad experience with her parents, how long ago was that? Things change and improve. Often people make decisions and are stubborn about them when they do not have all the information available. I can't emphasize that strongly enough. I sat with a woman who said no, no, no, no about her increasingly disabled daughter, she was an older woman whose only information about care homes was what she got from the news which is how it is with most of us. And the news only reports when something bad has happened (and I'll just add that something bad often spurs a place into cleaning up its act). It doesn't report all the people who work and live in a home and feel blessed and happy to use the facility. Anyway this woman I knew eventually had her daughter moved into a care facility and though she was never happy that she had to do that it was hugely positive for her daughter and it saved the woman's life since she was nearly dead from worry and exhaustion.
So I am respectfully suggesting that you visit places and gather information and see for yourself what these places are like and what they offer. Your dad promising never to put her in a home is worth jackshit if he doesn't actually care for her.
If you make a promise in ignorance of how great your needs are going to be in the future you would be foolish to cling to it when it doesn't actually help anyone.
Information is power, seeing what's out there is only to your advantage.
That's great you put it all out there on your relatives, don't be hesitant to keep hammering away. Point out just what you said here, that if they all got together she could go into a PT/OT facility, there could be real help if the financial burden was shared. People say they'd like to help, "but".. what they don't have one afternoon every couple weeks or 10 dollars a week to contribute to a fund set up for a specific program? Such total bullshit on their part, though maybe they need very specific requests. Maybe they are too stupid to come up with this themselves and are scared you are asking them to do everything like you do. If you said "I need every Monday and Tuesday for someone to be here for the entire day, let's set up a roster so you only have to be on it once a month" maybe you could get some to do it since they don't have to apply themselves to thinking of what they could do.
Anyway I hope this doesn't sound too hard on you, I may have typed too quickly and it came out that way. There is a resigned fatalism in a lot of what you say at times that bothers me, I guess I am wanting to help you walk in a different direction or see that there is a different approach. All changes have a cost and it's human nature to resist that but if we don't take the reins of change ourselves it is inevitably forced upon us by time. That seems easier when you're exhausted but it is ultimately dis-empowering.
So I am respectfully suggesting that you visit places and gather information and see for yourself what these places are like and what they offer. Your dad promising never to put her in a home is worth jackshit if he doesn't actually care for her.
If you make a promise in ignorance of how great your needs are going to be in the future you would be foolish to cling to it when it doesn't actually help anyone.
So if they got her up and walking you could get a job and move out of home eventually and have your own life? Because anything less than that is not really solving everything. Does it seem 100% sure that all she needs is the physio to walk again? What if she has a relapse? This is why long term endgame care needs to be talked about and as the only person who is invested in her care it falls to you to gather firsthand knowledge about it. Many people have an elderly or ill relative going downhill for years and the first time they look at a care facility is when their relative has been hauled away in an ambulance and it's at crisis point.
Information is power, seeing what's out there is only to your advantage.
That's great you put it all out there on your relatives, don't be hesitant to keep hammering away. Point out just what you said here, that if they all got together she could go into a PT/OT facility, there could be real help if the financial burden was shared. People say they'd like to help, "but".. what they don't have one afternoon every couple weeks or 10 dollars a week to contribute to a fund set up for a specific program? Such total bullshit on their part, though maybe they need very specific requests. Maybe they are too stupid to come up with this themselves and are scared you are asking them to do everything like you do. If you said "I need every Monday and Tuesday for someone to be here for the entire day, let's set up a roster so you only have to be on it once a month" maybe you could get some to do it since they don't have to apply themselves to thinking of what they could do.
Anyway I hope this doesn't sound too hard on you, I may have typed too quickly and it came out that way. There is a resigned fatalism in a lot of what you say at times that bothers me, I guess I am wanting to help you walk in a different direction or see that there is a different approach. All changes have a cost and it's human nature to resist that but if we don't take the reins of change ourselves it is inevitably forced upon us by time. That seems easier when you're exhausted but it is ultimately dis-empowering.
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Amaris
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The rehab center option would get her up, walking, and independent again. It would absolutely enable me to get a job, get out, and get my life going. It is, IMO, the brightest, most promising option.
I will also look into better nursing homes. It's possible I've missed a good one somewhere amidst the very bad ones.
On a more promising note, my cousin has decided to come up and visit my mom. She lives in Florida, and is attending a convention somewhere in either Pennsylvania or Kentucky or something, I don't know, but she's deviating from her trip home to stop here. She's a registered nurse. Unlike much of the other family, she's very friendly towards me, so I'm hoping she can look mom over and get the rest of our family to move their asses.
On a final note, don't feel you're being too harsh, you're not. Quite frankly, you've managed to voice my own fears about what is happening, and how I see my future if this continues. I don't know if you realize how good it feels to see other people who understand what a soul crushing journey this has been.
I will also look into better nursing homes. It's possible I've missed a good one somewhere amidst the very bad ones.
On a more promising note, my cousin has decided to come up and visit my mom. She lives in Florida, and is attending a convention somewhere in either Pennsylvania or Kentucky or something, I don't know, but she's deviating from her trip home to stop here. She's a registered nurse. Unlike much of the other family, she's very friendly towards me, so I'm hoping she can look mom over and get the rest of our family to move their asses.
On a final note, don't feel you're being too harsh, you're not. Quite frankly, you've managed to voice my own fears about what is happening, and how I see my future if this continues. I don't know if you realize how good it feels to see other people who understand what a soul crushing journey this has been.
That statement is like a ray of light in the darkness. To be able to know (and accept!) that there are those out there who understand and genuinely want to help shows that you do have a way out of the depression and darkness ... not an easy one, but I know that when I was at my worst, I rejected all attempts at help and advice out of hand. You've got some great advice here ... and a good grasp on what needs to be done.
Honestly speaking, from what I know of you here, I have absolute faith (and I never use *that* word lightly) that you will find a way. Of course, I do hope you find it sooner, rather than later ... but I have every confidence that you will find it.
Ah, cool. Well, you do look quite lovely. More importantly, I think it's very cool that you've stepped out of your comfort zone enough to post about your experiences, how you feel, and how you've come to know yourself (which is something that can be elusive to all of us). I hope you continue to build on your confidence. I know, for me, it's an ongoing process ... and there have been setbacks. But having found a measure of comfort and security with who I am has allowed me to weather those setbacks long enough to keep my head above water.Again, while I can't begin to relate to this specifics of your experiences, this quote is *exactly* how I felt when I was attending pharmacy college. Those were bleak, dark times. I'm glad to hear things are improving for you. And I think it's very cool how open and matter of fact you are about everything. Shows a great deal of confidence.
BTW, is that you in your avatar?
Thanks
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Amaris
Guest
Thank you, Ancient Mariner, I appreciate that confidence more than you know. You know, I'm not a Christian anymore, but I still remember the song I was taught in Sunday school way, way back when I still believed there was a God and he cared about me. Well, 3 decades later, I don't think there's a god who is out there looking out for me, but I still have this little light of mine. It will always keep shining, even when everything around me is pitch black.
*hugs*
I would encourage anyone who is suffering from depression to talk to a professional at least once. I feel so much better. The medication only does so much but having someone who can help me figure things out and actually is encouraging has been wonderful. 
ETA: There is this I want to do too: http://www.friends4recovery.org/
If there is something similar near you it is worth looking in to.
The medication only does so much but having someone who can help me figure things out and actually is encouraging has been wonderful. ETA: There is this I want to do too: http://www.friends4recovery.org/
If there is something similar near you it is worth looking in to.
This story seriously hurts my heart...I can't stand when people treat others badly because of something they don't understand.
I had a close friend of mine, a civilian who works on base with me, make the transition from male to female. Almost everyone supported her through out and almost everyone was very encouraging. That being said there were also those who weren't. I would hear people say "so what should we call it?" or "what bathroom will she use?" what I think upset me the most was the first one to call someone "it" is such a terrible thing. That person in a human being and deserves respect no mater what. Things have gotten much better for her, and she is becoming quite beautiful. I'm glad she made the step, and I'm glad you were brave enough as well. You are absolutely stunning yourself! You are a strong soul and I'm glad things have turned around for you<3
Some people here already know this, but most do not. My wife of 30+ years is Bipolar Type II, with anxiety issues on top of that. Over the past six years she has been hospitalized four times - twice for actual suicide attempts. Medication is an issue - she's good about taking it, but her body seems to adapt to the meds. It is a fine, frustrating line that we walk in keeping her at the proper dosages.
We're currently seeing her therapists as a family (us and my 18 yr old son). I think it's helping. We are certainly communicating better. As a spouse I can only say that my life with her is better than my life would be without her. I will do whatever I need to in order to keep her alive.
We're currently seeing her therapists as a family (us and my 18 yr old son). I think it's helping. We are certainly communicating better. As a spouse I can only say that my life with her is better than my life would be without her. I will do whatever I need to in order to keep her alive.
Sorry for replying so late to the initial post but I'd nevertheless like to add my 2 cents. Bree, as you decribe it, you have been bullied by others at school and at work. With the medication you feel better now but had you gotten it earlier, would it have changed the behaviour of your fellow students or co-workers? No, it wouldn't.
In my opinion the meds are ok insofar as they make you feel better, but they don't solve the problem, they just paint it pink. The problem must be taken by the root, i.e. the bullying must end right now and forever. This is a case not only for a psychologist but for a commander. It makes no sense to sedate the victim and let the criminals go on.
And yes, I've been on the receiving end of bullying quite a few times. I've survived it and I've stopped taking the punches. I strike back and show the bastards that me not liking to fight doesn't mean that I can't. You'd be surprised at how tame bullies can get once you corner them. Most of them are cowards and have the intelligence of a demented carrot.
Still, in a military environment it's not your job to fight back but your officers' job. It's your job to convince them to act. And get your psychologist to back you in this demand.
*huggles Bree* (Courage! You can do it! After all, you have us at your back)
In my opinion the meds are ok insofar as they make you feel better, but they don't solve the problem, they just paint it pink. The problem must be taken by the root, i.e. the bullying must end right now and forever. This is a case not only for a psychologist but for a commander. It makes no sense to sedate the victim and let the criminals go on.
And yes, I've been on the receiving end of bullying quite a few times. I've survived it and I've stopped taking the punches. I strike back and show the bastards that me not liking to fight doesn't mean that I can't. You'd be surprised at how tame bullies can get once you corner them. Most of them are cowards and have the intelligence of a demented carrot.
Still, in a military environment it's not your job to fight back but your officers' job. It's your job to convince them to act. And get your psychologist to back you in this demand.
*huggles Bree*
(Courage! You can do it! After all, you have us at your back)I'm very touched that they include this kind of discussion room in a Star Trek forum.
First of all I want to say that to those of you who have or are suffering from severe depression and/or anxiety I completely understand what you are feeling and if I had the power to make it go away for each and every one of you I would do so in a heartbeat even if I hadn't met you for a single second before.
The truth is, short of fighting in war and battling other illness like cancer, depression is one of the most horrible and traumatic things a person can experience in their life. EVER.
And, much like fighting in war, no matter how caring or understanding people may be towards you and your depression, unless you've experienced it first hand, a person cannot truly fathom how horrible it is and how it can just rip your mind and soul apart.
Also like soldiers, people often just assume that your battle is seemingly won that you can just return to your life the way it was before with no problem and they don't under the emotional scars that many people are going to have with them for the rest of their lives and how deep those wounds run.
I do want to say to those of you who feel like your depression is a lost cause and you're thinking of just giving up.....please don't. It may not seem like it but it is possible to recover.
I won't share all the nasty details but I had never suffered a serious depressive bout in my life. I'd been sad and seen a counselor before over some losses, but nothing many people don't go through.
I functioned normally. I went to college and graduated, got a good job that I did well at, got married had 2 children who are the loves of my life. I was social, liked to go out, go to movies, go to games, play golf.......you name it. I wasn't going to be buying a Ferrari anytime soon but I have money enough to have a good home, take a nice vacation yearly and do other things.
But 3 years ago, for reasons I still do not understand, I became sick with depression that put me in the hospital three times, caused me lose 50 lbs (unfortunately I gained most of it back), made me lose interest in pretty much everything except sleeping and damn near cost me my job, my family and pretty much everything I have.
I have absolutely no idea reason why it happened, there had been stressful things going on at the time in my life, but nothing I hadn't dealt with before. Yet over a period of several months I got slowly and slowly sicker until all I could do was sleep in bed all day and only got up to use the bathroom, have a little something to eat, kiss my kids good night and shower once every 3 or 4 days. And I am not exaggerating when I say it took literally every ounce of strength I had just to do that.
I went to hospitals, day treatments, several counselors and tried different drugs. Ultimately I had to have what many people consider the last resort for depression, which I won't mention here and I had to do that because the next stop was probably going to be blowing my brains out.....again with no idea why I was feeling this way.
I was out of commission for nearly a year but slowly through a combination of many things I eventually started to feel better. Today I am back to the way I was before the depression. I still suffer from issues like PTSD but if someone had told me I would be this healthy two years ago I would have said they were fucking crazy.
So PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE don't give up or do anything to hurt yourself. I'm living proof it can be beat and I'm not exaggerating when I say my depression was, on a scale of 10, easily a 10 and probably the only thing that stopped me from killing myself were my children and the fact I didn't have the will or strength to even try and end it.
Also DRUGS CAN WORK. Do not go to these drug message boards and listen to all these people who say the drugs ruined their lives and they're poison and all that bullshit. Yes it is not an easy thing to get right and yes their can be side effects and they do not work for everyone, at least right away.
If you find a good doctor and keep trying and don't abuse the drugs they can be a lifesaver. These message boards filled with people saying Zoloft, Effexor, Valium etc ruined their lives are often people who it didn't work for, or they had some other issues with taking the drug (not following dosing, using other substances, not giving it enough time.....etc) They are pissed and they want everyone to know their beliefs about drugs. You don't hear the millions of people that have been helped by anti depressives. Because people are far more likely to go on line and tell you how something didn't work and they think is horrible than people who were helped and and some cases saved with the help of drugs. Just like the news always tells you about the murder or other bad news that happened today, but ignore the countless good things that happened because they don't make for good news stories.
I'm no shill for drugs, I sure as hell wish I didn't have to take them and I hope someday to be off of them completely and I admit they're not a miracle cure all....BUT THEY CAN HELP SO PLEASE DO NOT WRITE THEM OFF AS AN OPTION BECAUSE OF FEAR. I have no idea if these things will have long time side effects but honestly I'll risk it because even if they take 10 years off my life I'd rather die 10 years younger feeling the way I do today and being able to play with my children, than live an extra 10 years in the misery that was my daily life for a year.
If you want to talk please PM me.....I just beg you to keep fighting. I know all the inspirational words in the world can't change things automatically, but you only get one life and it IS WORTH LIVING until the powers that be decide that it's your time.
Love and prayers to you all.
First of all I want to say that to those of you who have or are suffering from severe depression and/or anxiety I completely understand what you are feeling and if I had the power to make it go away for each and every one of you I would do so in a heartbeat even if I hadn't met you for a single second before.
The truth is, short of fighting in war and battling other illness like cancer, depression is one of the most horrible and traumatic things a person can experience in their life. EVER.
And, much like fighting in war, no matter how caring or understanding people may be towards you and your depression, unless you've experienced it first hand, a person cannot truly fathom how horrible it is and how it can just rip your mind and soul apart.
Also like soldiers, people often just assume that your battle is seemingly won that you can just return to your life the way it was before with no problem and they don't under the emotional scars that many people are going to have with them for the rest of their lives and how deep those wounds run.
I do want to say to those of you who feel like your depression is a lost cause and you're thinking of just giving up.....please don't. It may not seem like it but it is possible to recover.
I won't share all the nasty details but I had never suffered a serious depressive bout in my life. I'd been sad and seen a counselor before over some losses, but nothing many people don't go through.
I functioned normally. I went to college and graduated, got a good job that I did well at, got married had 2 children who are the loves of my life. I was social, liked to go out, go to movies, go to games, play golf.......you name it. I wasn't going to be buying a Ferrari anytime soon but I have money enough to have a good home, take a nice vacation yearly and do other things.
But 3 years ago, for reasons I still do not understand, I became sick with depression that put me in the hospital three times, caused me lose 50 lbs (unfortunately I gained most of it back), made me lose interest in pretty much everything except sleeping and damn near cost me my job, my family and pretty much everything I have.
I have absolutely no idea reason why it happened, there had been stressful things going on at the time in my life, but nothing I hadn't dealt with before. Yet over a period of several months I got slowly and slowly sicker until all I could do was sleep in bed all day and only got up to use the bathroom, have a little something to eat, kiss my kids good night and shower once every 3 or 4 days. And I am not exaggerating when I say it took literally every ounce of strength I had just to do that.
I went to hospitals, day treatments, several counselors and tried different drugs. Ultimately I had to have what many people consider the last resort for depression, which I won't mention here and I had to do that because the next stop was probably going to be blowing my brains out.....again with no idea why I was feeling this way.
I was out of commission for nearly a year but slowly through a combination of many things I eventually started to feel better. Today I am back to the way I was before the depression. I still suffer from issues like PTSD but if someone had told me I would be this healthy two years ago I would have said they were fucking crazy.
So PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE don't give up or do anything to hurt yourself. I'm living proof it can be beat and I'm not exaggerating when I say my depression was, on a scale of 10, easily a 10 and probably the only thing that stopped me from killing myself were my children and the fact I didn't have the will or strength to even try and end it.
Also DRUGS CAN WORK. Do not go to these drug message boards and listen to all these people who say the drugs ruined their lives and they're poison and all that bullshit. Yes it is not an easy thing to get right and yes their can be side effects and they do not work for everyone, at least right away.
If you find a good doctor and keep trying and don't abuse the drugs they can be a lifesaver. These message boards filled with people saying Zoloft, Effexor, Valium etc ruined their lives are often people who it didn't work for, or they had some other issues with taking the drug (not following dosing, using other substances, not giving it enough time.....etc) They are pissed and they want everyone to know their beliefs about drugs. You don't hear the millions of people that have been helped by anti depressives. Because people are far more likely to go on line and tell you how something didn't work and they think is horrible than people who were helped and and some cases saved with the help of drugs. Just like the news always tells you about the murder or other bad news that happened today, but ignore the countless good things that happened because they don't make for good news stories.
I'm no shill for drugs, I sure as hell wish I didn't have to take them and I hope someday to be off of them completely and I admit they're not a miracle cure all....BUT THEY CAN HELP SO PLEASE DO NOT WRITE THEM OFF AS AN OPTION BECAUSE OF FEAR. I have no idea if these things will have long time side effects but honestly I'll risk it because even if they take 10 years off my life I'd rather die 10 years younger feeling the way I do today and being able to play with my children, than live an extra 10 years in the misery that was my daily life for a year.
If you want to talk please PM me.....I just beg you to keep fighting. I know all the inspirational words in the world can't change things automatically, but you only get one life and it IS WORTH LIVING until the powers that be decide that it's your time.
Love and prayers to you all.
Thank you! <3 I'm glad things are getting better for your friend, people don't understand just how much it can hurt. I don't think people really care too much about it honestly, but people always enjoy something to bitch about, and to joke about.
*UPDATE*
I found a box of letters I got from my dad (who committed suicide) from when I was in boot camp. It is so surreal because all the letters were so happy and loving that it's hard to believe that just 4 moths after he wrote those letters he died by taking his own life. It was beyond hard for me to read all those letters and I cried and cried until I couldn't breathe. My boyfriend was sitting on the bed and didn't know what was wrong and has never dealt with someone who has depression. It got really hard for him to see me like that because he has never been around during one of my episodes. He didn't handle it very well, he got really stressed out that he couldn't help and wanted to go for a walk so he could compose himself. I felt terrible for making him get so emotional, it's so beyond hard to explain to someone what depression is like and when you try to explain that nothing they do can fix it, it's hard to see their pain in knowing that they can't help.
I know this was kind of a random update but I am just so down today. Reading those letters hit me so hard that I can't sleep right now, so figured I would get on and type away, that always helps to calm me down
I found a box of letters I got from my dad (who committed suicide) from when I was in boot camp. It is so surreal because all the letters were so happy and loving that it's hard to believe that just 4 moths after he wrote those letters he died by taking his own life. It was beyond hard for me to read all those letters and I cried and cried until I couldn't breathe. My boyfriend was sitting on the bed and didn't know what was wrong and has never dealt with someone who has depression. It got really hard for him to see me like that because he has never been around during one of my episodes. He didn't handle it very well, he got really stressed out that he couldn't help and wanted to go for a walk so he could compose himself. I felt terrible for making him get so emotional, it's so beyond hard to explain to someone what depression is like and when you try to explain that nothing they do can fix it, it's hard to see their pain in knowing that they can't help.
I know this was kind of a random update but I am just so down today. Reading those letters hit me so hard that I can't sleep right now, so figured I would get on and type away, that always helps to calm me down
