DS9 Caption Contest: ...thaaaat's not a *good* sound...

[Smellincoffee]

On the heels of Romulans and Vulcans comes...trouble! This week disaster reigns, and we catch characters on the precipice of things going Very, Very, Wrong.

Before mortal danger, however, let's look at last week's winners!

​

Sakonna: I'm not prepared to mate at this moment, but if you are curious about ponfar, I can offer you some of the experience by tearing you apart limb
from limb.

Ross: Colonel is there a reason you at this meeting?
Kira: Well this is Bajoran space.
Ross: Right, I keep forgetting about that. Maybe I can't grant you that land lease Subcommander.

Sisko: "I wasn't expecting the Romulan Inquisition."
Councilor: "Captain Sisko ... no one expects the Romulan Inquisition."

Solok: Wait, am I Vork? That doesn't sound right...Stonn? Vulvix? Damn, I just had it yesterday.... Damned Vulcan Temp Staffing Agency....

Vreenak: When I said "It's a faaaaaaake" I mean the Romulan Ale you served me. The data rod is totally real. Can we sign the alliance treaty now?

ROMULAN HIGH COUNIL: Alternate hairstyle, Rejected by unanimous vote. Any other hairstyle will remain punishable by death.

And now....DANGER MUSIC!

Good luck! May the Force be with you, and extra points for whoever recognizes the title this week and makes a nod to it with a caption.

 

[T'Girl]

Garak: "Try pushing Ctrl, Alt and Delete all at the same time."

Late seventies action star: "Where am I?"

 

[Rat Boy]

Bashir was really getting sick of trying to find Jadzia's contact lenses.

Garak: "Another decorator's nightmare."

O'Brien: "There has to be a better way to install a new stove."

Bashir: "Hold still. A Stachebotomy is an intricate procedure."

 

[Velocity]

-Shoo doop! Shooby doo!

-Guys, that is not the "back up" I was requesting.

Bashir: I'll just take a little off the top.

Chair victim: Ok, just don't touch the moustache!

 

[JirinPanthosa]

BASHIR: What the hell Dukat? Why not just flood the mining station with anaesthasine gas?
DUKAT: There would be no theater in that!

ODO: Huh. The Cardassians set up forcefields that surround the room in an airtight way to keep me in. If we could apply that to every section of the station or the Defiant, we wouldn't have to worry about a changeling on the loose. Quark, make a note.
QUARK: The console isn't responsive right now.
ODO: I'm sure I'll remember.

GARAK: By the way, do you guys buy that no changeling has ever harmed another?
TAIN: Nope.
FEMALE ROMULAN: Nope.
MALE ROMULAN: What, what, how would I know? It's not like I'm really a changeling leading you into a trap or anything. HA! That is so ridiculous! You guys say such ridiculous things.
GARAK: We're just thinking hypothetically.
MALE ROMULAN: And I'm sure if a changeling did harm another, it didn't count cause that changeling was an asshole!

O'BRIEN: Psst, Keiko, down here! If the Captioners see you they'll start calling you horrible again!

SISKO: There's something I've been meaning to ask. Cardassian plastic surgery. How is it when Cardassians change a person of one species into a person of another species we can't just detect it with a casual scan? The blood chemistry has to be way different.
BASHIR: I would explain it to you, but nobody but doctors are smart enough to understand.
SISKO: You wanted to use your cool toys, didn't you?

 

[T'Girl]

Garak: "I'm just saying that shoulder pad are so thirty years ago, I could take them out and maybe dart the sides, giving a more tapered look, and might I also say providing you with a more flattering bust line ..."

Tain: "You were undercover as a tailor a little too long Garak."

 

[Triskelion]

TFTW, Smellincoffee!

Man, the things I go through to get a little upskant action.

I will never be able to unhear the word "upskant."

Garak: Wait, if you're Johnny Knoxville from Men in Black, why are you wearing black?
Little Head: She doesn't make this look good, either!
Other Romulan: Old busted hotness.
Tain: If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball!
Garak: Somebody please neuralize me.

Keiko <on com>: Miles, are you crawling through jeffries tubes playing Die Hard again?
Miles: No dear. See you at dinner. O'Brien out.
...
Come out to the coast, we'll get together, have a few laughs....

Bashir: I'm picking up mathematical signal patterns of increasing complexity.... I don't know how to tell you this, but your mustache is becoming sentient.
Man: These things sometimes turn out good, right?
Bashir: Oh, no. They never do.

 

[Nerys Myk]

BASHIR: Scans say this mustache is fake! This man must be a Changeling!

SISKO: Kill him!

MAN: Wait...what?

 

[tharpdevenport]

O'Brien: "Hide here often?"

 

[Smellincoffee]

O'Brien: Which way did that blasted rabbit go?

Bashir: Don't worry, this is mostly painless.
Sisko: Mostly.

Garak: Twenty minutes of dodging spikes and now apples fall up and...explode?
Tain: Even by Obsidian Order standards, this is a form of torture beyond the pale.

 

[Triskelion]

Odo: Wait, let me see if I've got it - if the Prophets exist outside of linear time, but they live in a wormhole connecting two distant parts of the galaxy, and the Rio Grande left Delta Vega traveling at warp six for three point two hours, and The Grand Nagus bet ten strips of gold-pressed latinum on a Tongo flush -
Quark: A straight Tongo flush -
Odo: Wait - the game was straight or the flush was straight?
Quark: No, yes and no.
Odo: - and - what was the question again?
Quark: What color would Jake's jumper be?
Odo: I have no idea!
Quark: Exactly! Who dresses that kid??

 

[Triskelion]

Bashir: I've got some bad news - that dickie is going to have to come off.
Man: But I'm not wearing a dickie.
Bashir: Exactly.

 

[UssGlenn]

Quark: It's a message for you from from Bad Horse.
Odo: Oh no, not the Thoroughbred of Sin.

 

[Rat Boy]

Odo: "You know, this would be a lot more convenient for me if you got your own Amazon Prime account."

 

[Ithekro]

Nurse (o/s): Doctor you really need to not hit on your patient.

Bashir: How was I suppose to know she owned 300 warships and would be spitefully about seeing me with a Dabo girl?

Odo: Quark, what did I say about stepping out of the holding cell?

Quark: Not to come out.

Odo: So why are you out?

Quark: You don't even have bars on it, I can walk out whenever I like.

Odo: That's what the last guy said. You see that green stain on the floor near the cell?

Quark: Yeah, what about it?

Odo: That's the blood stain from the last prisoner that tried to escape.

Quark: You don't even have a phaser here to shoot me.

Odo: Who says I shot him?

Quark: I'll be going back to my cell now.

Garak: This is definately not an Imperial code.

Romulan: How can you be sure?

Garak: I know enough about the Imperials to know this isn't one of their codes. More specifically this is a stitch pattern for a Coat of Many Colors. A gastly invention. I've only known one man in time and space who wore it, and his ego was so grand that his coat was not nearly as loud as he was.

Mister Skywalker, would you please put that thing away. I know you think the light helps, but it really doesn't put me any more at ease with it only few decimeters from my face.

Sisko: Name. Rank!

Man: Biggs Darkligher. Lieutenant.

Sisko: Reason for you being on my station?

Man: I jumped ship here. I intend to meet someone that can get me to the Rebellion.

Sisko: Weill, don't stay too long here. I have enough problems without having the Galactic Empire breathing down my neck.

Man: I won't stay more than a day.

Sisko: Good. The Doctor here will make sure you can pass any Imperial checkpoints without getting noticed. After a week you'll look like your own self again.

Man: Thank you. May the Force be with you.

Sisko: And the Prophets guide you.

 

[hux]

Bashir: Oh my God! Sisko has grown a goatee

Quark: Oh, Oddo, um I was just checking my E-mail
Oddo: I didn't realise E-mail moaned

Tain: We're watching Cardassian breaking Bad
Romulan: No, we're watching Romulan Breaking Bad
Garak: Captain, what do you think

O'Brien: I've been waiting here six hours but When I jump out and shout "boo", it will so be worth it

Man: What is it?
Bashir: It's called a moustache. Don't worry, we know how to get rid of them

 

[Bad Thoughts]

Bashir: We could do a facial hair transplant, Commander, but this won't give you the "I'm going to kick your ass and take your woman" look you want. This is more "I'm a Burt Reynolds wannabe with an STD."

Dukat (over intercom): Attention Bajoran workers! I'm not evil. Yes, I'm about to murder you all because a few want an extended coffee break. But I'm really a nice guy. It's just that you don't love me the way you should. All you must do is build me statues and work yourselves into early graves. I'll make sure the camp commanders slaughter only a few hundred of you every day. See, it's not genocide, just a little benevolent encouragement. And I love your religion, especially the loving Pahwraiths. Your Kai is cute too. How about I leave a few Cardassian children in your care to raise as your own? See, that's the action of a good guy? The children's parents won't miss them at all, and everyone will have a healthy understanding of one another. And look at that beautiful sun of yours. Do you know that I have been studying ways of harnessing vast amounts of energy from the Bajoran sun which will light the skies for centuries. I'm also a strong family man. I love my wife. I love all wives. I love your wives, and look forward to the opportunity to show them. ... I'm not evil, Bajoran workers. Ooops, this is only a 90 minute cassette, and the tape recorder doesn't reverse directions, so we will have to end it here. Release the gas! I'm not evil.

 

[Hutchy01]

Mister Skywalker, would you please put that thing away. I know you think the light helps, but it really doesn't put me any more at ease with it only few decimeters from my face.

It may be funny but a decimetre is 10cm (4 inches)

 

[Triskelion]

Quark: Odo, how do we know you're an intelligent life form, and not just a biological mimicry of an intelligent life form?
Odo: I think I would know if my intelligence were a copy of intelligence and not actual intelligence. Besides, how do we know you're an intelligent life form?
Quark: Hello? Dabo girls? Who do you spend your workday hanging around? Me? Does that sound intelligent to you?
Odo: Wait...what?

 

[Finn]

Garak: Heh...Chakotay bought it. He really thought I was Evek. Now, just wait and see. My starfleet sources has confirmed that they'd send Janeway and her new Intrepid starship in the event of Chakotay's disappearance. If all goes as planned, we would be able to win the coming war with the Federation.

Romulans: *evil laugh*