DS9 Caption Contest 113: You Green-Blooded, inhuman ---!

[Smellincoffee]

Maybe simply complaining about "Move Along Home" wasn't the best choice. Perhaps we should have taken a cue from the Vulcans and repressed all disgust and horror, or borrowed a play from the Romulans' book and used the angst to build an empire. We consider the options this week by visiting Dr. McCoy's favorite aliens -- those men and women of either impeccable logic or considerable fondness for wearing grey quilts. But first, last week's winners!

​

The Emissary at work

Sisko: ...scan her for plot or any trace of creative writing.
Bashir: None detected sir...just huge amounts of obviousness.
Kira: My god...and this is a first season episode...
Dax: We've got to get out of this show before we get typecast!

Director: That's great. Lets try that again but with less hatred in your eyes.

When the girl loudly declared she was a Belieber, panic ensued/

Kira: I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there is nothing wrong with your teeth. The bad news is that this is not, in fact, what we mean by the mandatory cavity search.

Sisko: Away team to shuttle. Computer, a little help!
Computer: Acknowledged. <Brazilian Portuguese jazz filters through cavern>
Dax: The hell??
Sisko: I know, right? This is totally a Dixieland situation!

It's just too bad Will Riker can't dance to it. And now on to this week's set. One great race, two warring ideals. What will it be, Logic or Passion?

 

[JirinPanthosa]

VREENAK: It's pretty obvious that the Dominion intends to invade us after they beat you, but I'm a Romulan so I'm obligated to be unnecessarily obstinate.
SISKO: It's okay, I've enlisted a Cardassian who likes murdering obstinate people.

ROMULAN HIGH COUNIL: Alternate hairstyle, Rejected by unanimous vote. Any other hairstyle will remain punishable by death.

QUARK: All the Vulcans I've met suck at logic. It would uphold that pattern if you slept with me.

CRETAK: All I'm trying to do is establish Romulan military bases within striking distance of your planet. I don't see what problem you could possibly have with that.
ADMIRAL ROSS: She's got a point there Major.

VULCAN: The logical thing to do is prove that Vulcans are superior to humans. The logical way to prove this? Superiority at baseball. Man, I am so freaking logical!

 

[Rat Boy]

Hollis Mason: "Never liked the Comedian but I could never put my finger on why..."

Romulan leader in the foreground: "Am I the only one who thinks letting Sela be empress is a bad idea?"

Rest of the Romulans: "YES!"

Quark: "Admit it: that dress is made out of hotel room bedspreads."

Kira: "I'M NOT WEARING A ONESIE!"

Solok: "Yes, my crew plays baseball. No, we don't use performance enhancing drugs. No, we don't think Pete Rose belongs in the Hall of Fame."

 

[Triskelion]

TFTW&ECA, Smellincoffee! Woo hoo!

Vreenak: Live long and read between the lines.

Consul Ajax: Wait, I keep forgetting. Is that Consul or Counselor Clorox?
Consul Oxi-Clean: I think Clorox was a Counselor before he became a Consul.
Consul Ajax: What, a shark-biting legal counselor? Or touchy-feely psychological counselor?
Consul Oxi-Clean: Actually, I believe he was a School Guidance Counselor, but then came to power with the popular vote on Counselor Wisk's Consul ticket. Who was a former Crisis Counselor, by the way.
Consul Ajax: Is that when he turned Pro-Consul?
Consul Oxi-Clean: Do who now?
Consul Ajax: Clorox! Former Counselor Consul Clorox, the regular Consul - or Pro-Consul, I'm not sure. That's what I'm asking.
Consul Oxi-Clean: No, you're thinking of Consul Purex. He was a Marriage and Family Counselor before his appointment to Pro-Consul.
Consul Ajax: What, his appointment to the position of Pro-Consul? Or the promotion to Professional Consul prior to his appointment of official Pro-Consul, but only after rising in the amateur Consul ranks?
Consul Oxi-Clean: I mean his appointment as Pro Pro-Consul Counselor after Counseling at Amateur Consul camp.
Consul Ajax: And who am I again?
Consul All-Tempa-Cheer: Shhh!

Quark: If Vulcans are so honest, why do they always say Vulcans are so honest?
Sakonna: Wait...what?

Kira: So do you really think "The Outcast" hit its mark? A lot of people say it didn't.
Cretak: Don't you think that people talking about it and saying why it didn't hit its mark means - it hit its mark exactly?
Kira: Wait...what?

Solok: Wait, am I Vork? That doesn't sound right...Stonn? Vulvix? Damn, I just had it yesterday.... Damned Vulcan Temp Staffing Agency....

 

[Zonker]

Quark: Come now, you must have heard of the 387th Rule of Acquisition.
Sakonna: Actually I do not believe I have.
Quark: I rub your ears, you rub mine.

 

[Bad Thoughts]

Vreenak: I got my start as a TV appraiser on Romulan Antique Road Show. Oh, how I loved to lower the boom on those old ladies, who thought their soup bowls were hundreds of years old. I'd stare intensely and tell them, ...

Sakonna: I'm not prepared to mate at this moment, but if you are curious about ponfar, I can offer you some of the experience by tearing you apart limb
from limb.

Bashir, off screen: If you are going to cosplay "Romans in space," you might as well speak with British accents. It worked for George Lucas.

 

[Bad Thoughts]

CRETAK: All I'm trying to do is establish Romulan military bases within striking distance of your planet. I don't see what problem you could possibly have with that.
ADMIRAL ROSS: She's got a point there Major.

CRETAK: Just look at how happy the Remans are.

Solok: I'm here to challenge you to a game. Are you ready to face ... the Chandra?!
Sisko, offscreen: ***headdesk***

 

[T'Girl]

Sisko: "I wasn't expecting the Romulan Inquisition."

Councilor: "Captain Sisko ... no one expects the Romulan Inquisition."

 

[Ithekro]

Q? Yeah he showed his face on Romulas once. I backhanded him. He hasn't bothered us except to peep on the Empress from time to time, and I can't blame him for doing that.

The motion to ban Red Matter is unanimous. We will find better ways to general stable artificial singulaities for our energy needs.

Quark: Wait, I know you. You are the star of Vulcan Love Slave.

Vulcan: How would you know that?

Quark: I know the feel of T'Polis' rump anywhere.

Vulcan: Please remove your hand from my buttocks.

Ross: Colonel is there a reason you at this meeting?

Kira: Well this is Bajoran space.

Ross: Right, I keep forgetting about that. Maybe I can't grant you that land lease Subcommander.

I. AM. LOGICAL!

 

[Nerys Myk]

I hereby call this meeting of the Romulan Beatles Fan Club to order.

QUARK: I'm doing a reboot of "Vulcan Love Slave". Interested?

VREENAK: Whoa my hand is melting. What is the "LDS" you put in the ale?

SOLAK: Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk I'm a woman's man: no time to talk

 

[Smellincoffee]

Panel: Are we to judge the person pretending to sing, or the audio engineer playing and modifying the recording? I do not understand the premise.

Solok: Captain Sisko, I should like to invite you to dinner. I have created..gumbo.
Sisko: You son of a -

 

[Triskelion]

Consul Ajax: They promised us donuts. This slight shall not go unanswered.
Consul Oxi-Clean: Sheesh, punch out once in a while.

Quark: Wanna go halfsies on an ear & tooth sharpening kit?
Sakonna: Logically.

Vreenak: Care to play a round of Name That Poon?
Sisko: It's Dax.
Vreenak: How did you -
Sisko: It's always Dax.



And with a nod to Smellincoffee...

Sisko: You son of a -

 

[hux]

Vreenak: What is this part of my body called?
Sisko: You mean your head?
Vreenak: It's a faaaaaace!

Romulan: It's an Earth custom. She takes her clothes off and then goes home to cry

Sokkanna: Is that Latinum in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me
Quark: Wait, what? Oh you're talking about my penis

Ross: We've decided to travel back in time to Earth of the 2020's to get better IPad's than these
Cretak: A wise decision

Solok: I want a rematch Sisko. I've invented a new game called "logic ball". Here are the details

 

[Ithekro]

Solok: You requested that I come to your office. For what reason?

Sisko: The Bajoran government has found your starship to have been parked illegally and had it towed to the impound yard over Bajor. The local kids have since tagged it with anti-Federation logos and stolen the Bussard scoops.

Solok: And you've done nothing about this?

Sisko: This is a Bajoran station. You should know better than to park in the green zone on the fifth day of the fourth month every ninth year. I mean, that is just common sense.

 

[Triskelion]

My new Rolex?
Faaaaaake.

Cassidy's orgasms?
Faaaaaake.

My Chinese iPhone?
iFaaaaaake.

Dax's boobs?
Faaaaaake

Keiko's smile?
Faaaaaake

Quark's tax return?
Faaaaaake

Weyoun's diplomacy?
Faaaaaake

Vic Fontaine's friendship with Frank Sinatra?
Faaaaaake

Kai Winn's piousness?
Faaaaaake

Odo's combadge?
Faaaaaake

The adoration of my crew?
Faaaaaake

My mother?
Faaaaaake

My son wanting to be a writer?
...No, that one's real.

DAMMIT MAN, GET IN THE GAME!

...Major Kira's hair color?
Faaaaaake....

 

[Smellincoffee]

Vreenak: If the Federation wants the Empire as an ally, they've gotta put a ring on it.

Data's stand-up comedy didn't go over any better on Romulus.

Quark: Date the proprietor, get free drinks. It's only logical.

Kira: What is it with aliens in grey and invading Bajor? Are the ridges really that attractive?
Ross: Confidentially, major, yes. It's a shame I'm married.

Solok: Captain Sisko? I've been assigned to your station for the duration of the Dominion War.
Sisko, thinking: I wonder if it's too late to join the Maquis. Poisoning a planet's atmosphere isn't necessary a bridge-burner, is it?

 

[LeadHead]

Vreenak: When I said "It's a faaaaaaake" I mean the Romulan Ale you served me. The data rod is totally real. Can we sign the alliance treaty now?

Bashir: ...And after Sloan put me through the holographic interrogation, he revealed the name and nature of his secret organization to me...

Neral: I find that hard to believe.

Sakonna: I am Vulcan, I believe in logic. Therefore, I am a part of a small band of resistance fighters who battle a much better equipped enemy. The battles we fight, potentially causing a larger war that would kill billions on both sides, because, you know, logic.

Kira: You will immediately remove your weapons from Derna or we'll find another actress named Adrienne to play your part!

 

[Triskelion]

Sakonna: Query: "VILF"?

 

[Triskelion]

Cretak: Oh, we get together every year. The Dominion female Changeling, Voth Minister Odala, the Sphere Builder, Sovereign Marouk of Acamar III, of course Judge Noor of J'Nai, Superintendent Andrea Brand of Starfleet Academy, and - me.
Ross: That's a lot of granny panties.
Kira: What about Kate Pulaski?
Cretak: She's in another club with Lwaxana Troi, Julianna Soong, Rishon Uxbridge, Admiral Necheyev, Xenologist Kila Marr and Mila, Housekeeper of the Tain household on Cardassia.
Ross: But not Keiko O'Brien?
Cretak: Oh no, she's part of another group with Female Q, K'Ehleyr, Doctor Selar, Ardre, Vash, Yanas Tigan, and Lieutenant Talas of the Andorian Imperial Guard.
Ross: Well - what do all these groups of women do?
Kira: Is it a fight club?
Cretak: No Major, it's not a fight club....
Kira: I bet it's a fight club.

 

[Smellincoffee]

Quark: Here's one for you. A Vulcan, a Romulan, and a Vulcanian walk into a bar--
Sakonna: "Vulcanian" is an archaic adjective used to describe the Vulcan people.
Quark: DON'T INTERRUPT THE JOKE! It needs three people!