TNG Caption This! #407: Data's Contest! (no joke this time)

[LeadHead]

Hello everyone! Hope you're all having a nice weekend!

First up to the plate, we have the "Timelines" Award, going to:

ABED: Just so you know Jeff, we are about to create the universe where Worf marries Troi.

Next, we have the "Well that's a relief" Award, going to:

A rare behind-the-scenes photo proves that the Harmon-less season was really just all in our imaginations.

Next, we have the "Is LeadHead gonna get yelled at for selecting this one on Easter?" Award, going to:

Flannel Jesus rallies his apostles.

Next, we have the "Also featuring 3 dimensional sets!" Award, going to:

More historically accurate than Spectre of the Gun.

Next, we have the "Key questions" Award, going to:

How licks does it take to get to the center of my juicy pop?

"Well, no wonder these Holodecks keep malfunctioning all the time!"

Many thanks to everyone who participated and congrats to our winners!

And now, we return to our character contests, I know Data doesn't get impatient, but since we've delayed this series a few times now, lets make sure we give our favorite android his turn.

Enjoy!

 

[LeadHead]

Data: Knock Knock.

Picard, Riker, Troi & Worf: Sit down, Data.

Riker: Thanks for the offer, Data. Geordi will make a better wingman.

Picard: Objection!

Data: Overruled.

Picard: On what grounds?

Data: On the grounds that I'VE GOT THE POWER NOW!

Wesley: (thinking) Data used to be cool before he started filling in for Riker. Now he's a jerk.

Data: Intriguing. These records indicates Commander Riker broke into my quarters on several occasions. Each time with a different female crewmember. Perhaps this explains why he recommended that I add a King Sized bed to my quarters.

 

[Nerys Myk]

DATA: And that's why we should abolish the skant.

PICARD:Make it so

LAFORGE: No poker for me tonight. I have a date!

DATA:The devil made me do it.

DATA: Data/Yar slash fiction is most disturbing.

WORF: He's doing it again, sir.

PICARD: Standing and looking pensive is my thing!!!!

 

[T'Girl]

Data: "... and I do not understand why people have been snickering in my presence all day."

Worf: "Zip up your fly."

Data: "Councilor, my eyes are up here."

 

[shivkala]

Data: ...but Sir, I promise I will take care of it, feed it, clean up after it. Can I keep it, please?

Picard: Okay, Mr. Data, on one condition, if you can correctly tell me the gender of your cat, you can keep it.

Data: ...

Data: Hold on Geordi, before you recite the intricate details of your date, allow me to access my "eye roll" subroutines.

Riker: Close enough, Data. Close enough.

Data: Sir, according to my memory banks, the late 20th, early 21st Century actor Dana Carvey, appearing on Saturday Night Live as the Church Lady said it best, “Could it be...SATAN?”

Picard: Data, are you sure?

Data: I am as sure about this as I am the fact that the actor who portrayed Devlin Bowman opposite Carvey in 2002's The Master of Disguise should have won an Oscar for his brilliant performance.

Picard: Do you have to stand there?

Data: Apologies, Captain, I would go hover over my replacement at Op's, however, I find I am unable to properly execute the so-called "Riker Maneuver."

Data: And you are sure you have no idea how this porn virus got onto your terminal?

http://www.trekbbs.com//www.pinterest.com/pin/create/extension/

 

[joededman]

Brent: So I told the director I didn't like the way all these extras were wandering around the set during my scene and... Whoa! Who's the red head?

Geordi: So I've got a date with that new red headed ensign.
Data: Of course you do.
Riker: <snicker>

Data: And that was when Lieutenant Commander Geordi La Forge snapped...

Data: We were all upset when the red headed ensign decided to spend her shore leave with Counsellor Deana Troi. The Captain was particularly upset threatening to never let that Betazoid tramp on 'his' bridge again.

Data: Holo vids of a certain red head and brunette I obtained later from an unnamed source left me even more curious about the full scope of humanoid relations.

 

[Smellincoffee]

Data: ...and that is why I believe I should be your Supreme Lord and Commander.

Riker: Geordi, I'll bet you're really good at staring contests.

Data: Captain, Ardra does have a point. The meaning of the word 'is' must first be established.

 

[T'Girl]

Data: After reviewing all pertinent information, I must find for the Devil.

Picard: Data ...

Data: Your case was compelling Captain, but it paled in comparison to the marathon blow job I received from Satan.

Data: Oil can ... oil can ...

 

[Herkimer Jitty]

Picard: "Mr. Data, perhaps there's a better time and place for your 3-Hour Improv Poetry Jam."

Riker: "'Riker's beard looks awful', eh? Maybe a certain Mr. LaForge wants to make a return visit to the planet with the parasite that turned him into a cybergoth lizard."

Data: "This court accepts the existence of Friendship is Magic as proof positive that there is no devil."

Ardra: "Damn. So close."

Worf: "Captain, recommend we return fire!"

Picard: "Negative, Mr. Worf. First they have to rough up our ship, then beam over and slap you around for a bit to show how dangerous the situation is."

Crewman: "Have you just been playing Elite Dangerous the whole time I've been here?"

Data: "No."

Crewman: "You have the sound on, you know."

 

[Ithekro]

Riker: We really need to get the viewscreen fixed. Or hire a communications officer.

Picard: I don't know Number One. Having Data read out every communication in the voices of famous 20th century actors has its own appeal.

LaForge: Be cool Data. The Commander is making eyes at some ensign behind me again.

Data: I am sorry, sir. The Devil knows I am fully functional and is prepared to use that knowledge against you.

Picard: Against me?

Data: If you reject her again tonight, the Devil will come to my quarters afterwards for pouting followed by...

Picard: That is enough, Mr. Data.

Worf: Captain I must protest the use of a one that has not fought in any battle nor feasted on the heart of his enemies as helmsman of the Flagship of the Federation.

Picard: Noted Lieutenant. What do you have to say about that Data?

Data: I have not yet tasted the hearts of my enemies, though I have a detailed record of the taste of many species circulatory systems and their blood types and can catagories them for Mr. Worf if needed.

Data: Captain you appear to applied a hairpiece to your cranium. I have studied the concept, but have not seen it in practise. May I touch it?

Picard: Just continue your analysis of 21st century literature, Mr. Data.

 

[Rat Boy]

Picard: "...yes, we now know you are anatomically correct. Kindly zip up and return to your station."

Data: "Riker, why u no shave beard?"

Geordi: "He's gotten into a troll face phase."

Data: "I assure you captain I am emulating a wide variety of judges. Judy, Wopner, that guy from The Simpsons..."

Picard: "Thank you for zipping your trousers, Data. And thank you for getting into the right uniform, Mr. Worf. Now can we get on with our mission?"

Data: "E10."

Remmick: "Dammit...you sunk my battleship. Again!"

 

[JirinPanthosa]

PICARD: Alright Data, we'll watch your standup.
DATA: Thank you sir. My next bit is loosely based on the early 20th century comedy stylings of Amos & Andy.
GEORDI (At helm): DATA! No.
DATA: But Geordi, in the 20th century they were very...
GEORDI: NO. Trust me on this one.

DATA: Is this what they refer to as a 'Deadpan stare'?
RIKER: Close Data. It's more like this.
GEORDI: It works even better with a visor.

DATA: I'm sorry. By this planet's legal system, all outrageous claims of grandeur must be taken at face value.

DATA: Captain. Wesley is flying dangerously close to that asteroid. Recommend we reassign a more experienced officer to...
PICARD: Quiet Data. I'm asking Beverly out tonight.

DATA: Analyzing. Ahh. I am noticing a disturbing pattern in the Enterprise's logs.
REMMICK: Yes, go on.
DATA: We seem to frequently come to the brink of destruction and certain death, which we escape at the last moment through a sudden moment of brilliance. Statistically, we should all be dead by now.

 

[Nerys Myk]

Same joke different 'shop.

ARDRA: Change of plans,Captain. Meet my boyfrie...er, the new judge.

ARDRA: Change of plans,Captain. Meet my boyfrie...er, the new judge.

 

[Smellincoffee]

Picard: Your Eminence, how can Ardra be the Devil, when in fact, your own worship is?
Q: He has a point, Ardra. You're nothing but a poseur. Into the lake of brimstone and too soggy-to-eat cereal with you!

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Data: Mr. Magnum, this divorce case is concluded. Your ex-wife shall receive everything you own.

 

[Rat Boy]

Picard: "I move for a change of venue!"

Picard: "I move for another change of venue!"

Picard: "I move for..."

Data: "Overruled."

Picard: "...meh, close enough."

 

[Finn]

Data: Alright, now that she's gone and the memorial service is over, I have some questions I've been wondering but couldn't ask before yesterday...

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Data: Mr. Remmick, you seem to be rather on edge during this interrogation. I should inquire as to what is eating you, although given what is due to happen to you in a relatively short amount of time, I believe that question would be inappropriate.

 

[Triskelion]

Data: Sir I realize regular exercise is beneficial to the crew's health, but could we move the walking track to another location? It's ruining my concentration.

Riker: In for a penny in for a pound?
Geordi: Give 'em an inch they'll take a mile?
Data: Don't look a gift horse in the mouth? Guys? What are we talking about guys?

Data: Your leeway has run out, Captain. Please return Mister Worf's baldric and put your uniform back on. Also, not sure what that had to do with any of this.

Picard: Garçon, another cup of tea, Earl Grey, hot.
Wesley: He never has a second cup of tea, Earl Grey, hot at home....

Data: Fascinating. Did you know that the Starfleet Charter has a provision that forbids dry humping an Antedean without a signed Presidential Executive Order?
Remmick: ...Yes.

 

[JirinPanthosa]

GEORDI: Data, why did you bring her to the ship?
DATA: I have observed in the past that humans look for excuses to break rules in contexts where they seem ridiculous and callous. So based on my knowledge of human behavior, I predicted that seeing an adorable child would give you that excuse. It is only a shame that she did not also have an adorable pet.