Favorite humorous dialogue exchange.

[enterprisecvn65]

#1

(Kirk sighs as the turbo shaft doors open)

Saavik: Hold please.....Thank you sir.

(Doors close. Turbolift begins to move.)

Kirk: Lieutenant, are you wearing your hair differently

Saavik: It's still regulation. May I speak? (Saavik presses button stopping the turbolift.

Kirk: Self-expression doesn't seem to be one of your problems. You're bothered by your performance on the Kobyashi Maru.

Saavik: I failed to resolve the situation.

Kirk: There's no correct resolution. It's a test of character.

Saavik: May I ask how you dealt with the situation.

Kirk: You may ask (Said with a chuckle that indicates he's not going to give her the answer) Pushes button to start the turbolift.

Awkward pause

Kirk: That's a little joke.

Saavik: Humor. It is a difficult concept........It is not logical.

Kirk: (Slightly bemused) We learn by doing.

Turboshaft doors open

McCoy: WHO'S BEEN HOLDING UP THE DAMN ELEVATOR!!!!!

Saavik: Thank you sir. (Exits lift doors)

McCoy: She change her hairstyle?

Kirk: Hadn't noticed.

McCoy: Wonderful stuff that Romulan Ale

Kirk: Hmmmmm

Uhura over intercom: Admiral urgent message from Regula I. Dr. Carol Marcus.

McCoy: It never rains, but it pours (said in a manner he obviously knows of Kirk's past with Carol)

Kirk (Irritated) As a physician you of all people should appreciate the dangers of reopening old wounds.

(Doors open Kirk exits)

McCoy: Sorry


#2

Kirk: If transmissions are being monitored during battle......

Saavik (Finishing regulation)...no uncoded messages on an open frequency......(Looking at Spock surprised)....You lied.

Spock: (Looking slightly offended) I exaggerated.

Kirk: Hours instead now we have minutes instead of hours.

(Kirk tries to enter turbolift but doors don't open)

Spock: They're inoperative below C-deck

Kirk: What is working around here? (Starting to run down the corridor)

Spock: Not much admiral we have partial main power.

Kirk: That's it?

Spock: (Voice trailing off) Best we could do in two hours.

#3

Worf: Captain Request permission to be excused from Commander Hutchinson's reception.

Picard: Permission granted... I wish I could excuse myself as well.

La Forge: (Eager to get same excuse from Picard) Er, Captain, permission to be...

Picard: (Raised irritated voice) Mr. La Forge, I cannot excuse my entire senior staff!
(Much quiter with a touch of humor to it) Mr. Worf beat you to it.

(Worf smirks at LaForge)

 

[Makarov]

I forget the episode but Data is training his cat and the doorbell beeps. He points to the cat and says "One moment." Then lets the person in.

 

[BigJake]

TVH wins this one:

Spock: [in response to Kirk pawning his antique spectacles] Excuse me, Admiral. But weren't those a birthday gift from Dr. McCoy?
Kirk: And they will be again, that's the beauty of it. [to the Antique Store Owner] How much?
Antique Store Owner: Well, they'd be worth more if the lenses were intact. I'll give you one hundred dollars for them.
Kirk: [pause] Is that a lot?

* * *

Dr. Gillian Taylor: Do you guys like Italian?
Kirk: Yes.
Spock: No.
Kirk: Yes.
Spock: No -
Kirk: Yes. I love Italian. And so do you.
Spock: Yes.

* * *

Kirk: You mean the profanity? That's simply the way they talk here. Nobody pays attention to you unless you swear every other word. You'll find it in all the literature of the period.
Spock: For example?
Kirk: Oh, the neglected works of Jacqueline Susann. The novels of Harold Robbins...
Spock: Ah. The "Giants".

So many gems...

 

[Flying Spaghetti Monster]

Hwew's a really funny one that no one mentions.. but wht makes it great is how it's played so straight.. Odo is just delivering these lines naturally.

ODO: "I have a friend at Starfleet Intelligence. And she has a friend who has a cousin who's married to the assistant of one of the members of the Federation Medical Council."
BASHIR: "Really?"
ODO: "And according to my friend, her friend heard something from his cousin that his wife heard from this council member that I thought you might find interesting."
BASHIR: "Which is?"
ODO: "Doctor Wade is not going to win the Carrington."

 

[CorporalCaptain]

TNG "Hollow Pursuits":

PICARD: Will your investigation affect our available power during the mission?
BARCLAY: No, No, sir. We'll have to shut off some systems. We'll shut them down a few at a time. It shouldn't. I don't think so.
PICARD: Good. I look forward to your report, Mister Broccoli. (big silence) Barclay.
BARCLAY: If you will excuse me.

TROI: You're taking it so seriously. It's not without its element of humour.
HOLO-TROI: I am the goddess of Empathy. Cast off your inhibitions and embrace love, truth, joy.
LAFORGE: Oh, my God.

 

[Captain Rob]

You forgot: "Muzzle it."

 

[MacLeod]

From "Deja Q" Worfs response to what Q must do to prove he is human.

Q: Q, the miserable. Q, the desperate. What must I do to convince you people...

WORF: Die.

 

[B.J.]

From "Deja Q" Worfs response to what Q must do to prove he is human.

Q: Q, the miserable. Q, the desperate. What must I do to convince you people...

WORF: Die.

You forgot the best part!

Q: Oh, very clever, Worf. Eat any good books lately?


Also, from QPid:
Worf: *SMASH* Sorry.

 

[Cyke101]

One from TFF, in the turbolift after the camping scene:

Kirk: (annoyed) I could use a shower.

*beat*

Spock: Yes.

Timing is everything!

 

[MacLeod]

From "Deja Q" Worfs response to what Q must do to prove he is human.

Q: Q, the miserable. Q, the desperate. What must I do to convince you people...

WORF: Die.

You forgot the best part!

Q: Oh, very clever, Worf. Eat any good books lately?


Also, from QPid:
Worf: *SMASH* Sorry.

You forgot also from Q'pid

WORF: Sir, I protest. I am not a merry man.

 

[FormerLurker]

McCOY: Hi. ...Busy?
SPOCK: Uhura is busy. I am monitoring.
McCOY: Umm. Well, I just wanted to say it sure is nice to have your katra back in your head, not mine. What I mean is I may have carried your soul, but I sure couldn't fill your shoes.
SPOCK: My shoes.
McCOY: Forget it! ...Perhaps we could cover a little philosophical ground? Life, Death, Life. Things of that nature?
SPOCK: I did not have time on Vulcan to review the philosophical disciplines.
McCOY: Come on Spock, it's me, McCoy! You really have gone where no man has gone before. Can't you tell me what it felt like?
SPOCK: It would be impossible to discuss the subject without a common frame of reference.
McCOY: You're joking!
SPOCK: A joke is a story with a humorous climax.
McCOY: You mean I have to die to discuss your insights on death?
SPOCK: Forgive me, Doctor, I am receiving a number of distress calls.
McCOY: I don't doubt it!

 

[Rulius]

McCOY: Hi. ...Busy?
SPOCK: Uhura is busy. I am monitoring.
McCOY: Umm. Well, I just wanted to say it sure is nice to have your katra back in your head, not mine. What I mean is I may have carried your soul, but I sure couldn't fill your shoes.
SPOCK: My shoes.
McCOY: Forget it! ...Perhaps we could cover a little philosophical ground? Life, Death, Life. Things of that nature?
SPOCK: I did not have time on Vulcan to review the philosophical disciplines.
McCOY: Come on Spock, it's me, McCoy! You really have gone where no man has gone before. Can't you tell me what it felt like?
SPOCK: It would be impossible to discuss the subject without a common frame of reference.
McCOY: You're joking!
SPOCK: A joke is a story with a humorous climax.
McCOY: You mean I have to die to discuss your insights on death?
SPOCK: Forgive me, Doctor, I am receiving a number of distress calls.
McCOY: I don't doubt it!

So Spock could discuss it with Scotty then..

 

[The Wormhole]

Quark: "We get boarded, I'm going to defend my bar with this."
Odo: "A box?"
Quark: "No, what's inside the box."
Quark opens box, revealing a piece of paper, which Odo picks up and reads.
Odo: "Dear Quark, I had to borrow parts from your disruptor to fix the replicator. Sorry, I'll replace them as soon as I can. Your brother, Rom."
Quark: "What? The idiot! I'll kill him!"
Odo: "With what?"

 

[2takesfrakes]

One of my favourite bits is from INSURRECTION, in Troi's office:

TROI: Come in. ...Hi.
RIKER: Got a minute?
TROI: Sure.
RIKER: I need a little counselling.
TROI: Well, there's a first time for everything.
RIKER: So, do I lie down or what?
TROI: Um Well, whatever makes you comfortable, but this isn't one of the usual therapeutic postures.
RIKER: But it is comfortable.
TROI: Why don't you try sitting up?
RIKER: Why don't you try lying down?
(he gives her a peck)
TROI: Well, you're in quite a mood today. Do you really need counselling or did you come down here to play?
RIKER: I think I'm having a mid-life crisis.
TROI: I believe you.
RIKER: I'm not sleeping well.
TROI: Doctor Crusher has something that can take care of that.
RIKER: What I need, I can't get from Doctor Crusher. ...Counselor, do you think it's possible for two people to go back in time to fix a mistake they made?
TROI: On this ship, ...anything's possible.
TROI: Yuk!
RIKER: Yuk?
TROI: I never kissed you with a beard before.
RIKER: I kiss you and you say 'yuk'!

 

[Hawku]

Quark: "We get boarded, I'm going to defend my bar with this."
Odo: "A box?"
Quark: "No, what's inside the box."
Quark opens box, revealing a piece of paper, which Odo picks up and reads.
Odo: "Dear Quark, I had to borrow parts from your disruptor to fix the replicator. Sorry, I'll replace them as soon as I can. Your brother, Rom."
Quark: "What? The idiot! I'll kill him!"
Odo: "With what?"

That's definitely one of my favourites.


EMH2: This is all very complicated.
EMH: Stop breathing down my neck.
EMH2: My breathing is merely a simulation.
EMH: So is my neck!

 

[B.J.]

I'm not going to write out the whole thing, but the entire scene in First Contact with a rather "blended" Troi!

"Timeline! This is no time to argue about time. We don't have the time! ...What was I saying?"

 

[Captain Rob]

McCoy: Shut Up Spock! We're rescuing you!
Spock: Why thank you, Captain McCoy.

 

[FormerLurker]

KIRK: Dammit, Spock! God dammit!
SPOCK: Captain, what I have done-
KIRK: What you have done is betray every man on this ship.
SPOCK: Worse. I have betrayed you. I do not expect you to forgive me.
KIRK: Forgive you? I ought to knock you on your goddamn ass!
SPOCK: If you think that will help.
McCOY: You want me to hold him, Jim?
KIRK: You stay out of this! ...Why, Spock? Why? All you had to do was pull the trigger.
SPOCK: If I had pulled the trigger, Sybok would be dead.
KIRK: I ordered you to defend your ship.
SPOCK: You ordered me to kill my brother.
KIRK: The man may be a fellow Vulcan, but that doesn't-
SPOCK: You do not understand me, Captain. Sybok, also, is a son of Sarek.
KIRK: You mean he's your brother brother? You made that up.
SPOCK: I did not.
KIRK: You did too. Sybok couldn't possibly be your brother because I happen to know for a fact that you don't have a brother.
SPOCK: Technically, you are correct. I do not have a brother.
KIRK: You see? You see?
SPOCK: I have a half-brother.
KIRK: I've got to sit down.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Sir...There is a Multi Legged Creature crawling on your shoulder.

 

[CorporalCaptain]

Sir...There is a Multi Legged Creature crawling on your shoulder.

That's a good one.