Today's joke told to me by an old lady: A middle aged married woman was known to her fellow parishioners to be a busybody and a gossip, and she was especially mean to new people who joined the church in her small town. One Sunday a well respected plumber joined the church, and after the service she went around the church telling everyone she had seen the plumber's car parked in front of the local bar/nightclub for hours. Eventually her gossip reached the plumbers ears so that night he parked his car in front of her house, and walked home.
A woman walks by a church, and notices that there are a lot of people standing around outside. "Is Mass out?" she says. "No, but your hat's on crooked."
Four women are talking about their grown sons. The first woman says: "My son is a Monsignor. When people see him they say "Good day, Monsignor". The second woman says with pride in her voice: "My son is a Bishop. When people see him they say "Good day, your Grace." The third woman says with joy in her voice: "My son is a Cardinal. When people see him they say "Good day, your Eminence." The fourth woman says: "My son is 7'2" and weighs 345 pounds. When people see him they say "Good God Almighty!"
Mr.A-"How's it goin'? Mr.X-"Ah,I'm like the census figures" Mr.A-"Huh?" Mr.X-"Broken down by age and sex".
A man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Heidberg, and sat down to explain his problem. "Doctor, doctor! I've got this problem," the man said. "I keep hallucinating that I'm a dog. It's crazy. I don't know what to do!" "A common canine complex," said the doctor soothingly. "Relax. Come here and lie down on the couch." "Oh no, Doctor," the man said nervously, "I'm not allowed up on the furniture.
In a small town in Tennessee, Big Bubba decides it's time for his son, 14 year old Billy Bob, to learn the facts of life. He takes him to the local house of ill repute, which is fronted by a beauty parlor. Bubba introduces Billy Bob to the madam and explains that it's time for his indoctrination to sex." The madam says, "Bubba you've been such a good customer over the years, I'm going to see to this personally." So the madam takes Billy Bob by the hand and leads him upstairs, where she completes his deflowering. Later, as they are walking downstairs the madam says, "Since this is your first time, I'm going to see that you get the full treatment before you leave, I'm going to give you a manicure." Two weeks later Bubba and Billy Bob run into the madam on the main street. Billy Bob is acting a little shy. so the madam smiles and says, "Well, Billy Bob, don't you remember me?" "Yes ma'am the boy stammers, "You're the lady that gave me the crabs and then cut off my fingernails so I couldn't scratch 'em." "Late again!" the third-grade teacher sternly said to little Johnny. "It ain't my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this 'un on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!" Now, Miss Russell had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Johnny what he meant by that. Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Johnny and trouble were old friends, but he always told her the truth. "You see, Miss Russell, out at the farm we got this here low down fox. The last few nights, he done ate six hens. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his shot gun and said to my Ma, "That fox is back again... I'm a gonna git him!'' "Stay back," Daddy whispered to all us kids! "My Daddy was naked as a jaybird -- no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double-barreled 12-gauge shot gun through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with a fox on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose in my Daddy's crack!" "Miss Russell, we all been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin!" Canadian jokes JOKE # 1 After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, 'Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona .' The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, 'I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser.' The bartender gives him one.. The guy from Coors says, 'I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.' He gets it. The guy from Kokanee sits down and says, 'Give me a Coke.' The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, 'Why aren't you drinking a Kokanee?' The Kokanee president replies, 'Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I.' CANADIAN JOKE #2 A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.. His friend Doug stops him and asks, 'Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?' 'I got it for my wife, eh.' answers Bob.. 'Oh!' exclaims Doug, 'Good trade.' CANADIAN JOKE #3 An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie. He went to the neurosurgeon and asked, 'Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?' 'Sure it's easy.' replied the neurosurgeon. 'All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie..' He was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the neurosurgeon's knife slipped, and instead of cutting 1/3 of the patient's brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's brain. He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient's bed as the patient recovered from the anesthetic. As soon as the patient was conscious, the neurosurgeon said to him 'I'm terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain.' The patient replied 'Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?' CANADIAN JOKE #4 Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia ? The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back. CANADIAN JOKE #5 In Canada , we have two seasons...six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling. CANADIAN JOKE #6 One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Labatt Blue. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverages, three flies landed in each of their pints. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing happened. The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, 'SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!' CANADIAN JOKE #7 A Quebecer, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper. 'Black pepper, or white pepper?' asked the concierge. 'Toilette pepper!' yelled the Quebecer. CANADIAN JOKE #8 An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived.. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened. 'Well,' said the American, 'I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St.Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here' 'That's amazing!' said the one of the doctors, 'But what happened to the other two?' 'Last I saw them,' replied the American, 'the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay his.'
Mystery at the Beach A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around and then speak to them. Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off. But occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something that she carried in her bag. The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure, they decided to just continue watching her. After a couple of weeks the wife said, 'Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?' He hadn't and said so. Then she said, 'Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing.’ Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. 'Well, is she selling drugs?' she asked excitedly. 'No, she's not,' he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. 'Well, what is it then? What does she do?' his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said, 'She's a battery salesperson.’ 'Batteries?' cried the wife. 'Yes!' he replied. PLEASE SCROLL DOWN ! ! ! ! ! ! OOOOH! You're gonna hate me for this - but it will make your day! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 'She Sells C Cells by the Seashore!'
To make it Stand, You Wet it! To make it wet, You suck it! To make it stiff, You lick it! To get It In, You push it! Damn! Threading a Needle!! what were you thing you Pervert,
I did my best to think up ten original jokes and enter them into a contest. I thought at least one of them would win, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
One of my faves. My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who was camping it up outrageously. He seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed an extremely well-dressed and exotic young woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines, but I asked you to raise your tray, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess, and I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray up, Bitch."
^ This joke was slightly offensive when I first heard it so I have altered a few of its words. A lion is out taking a drink from a stream one day. There is a gorilla hiding in the bushes and he thinks it would be hilarious if he snuck up behind the lion, the 'king of the jungle', and kicked him in the ass as hard as he can. So the gorilla does exactly that - sneaks up behind the lion, gives a good hard kick, and runs away. The lion, of course, is furious, and takes off running after the gorilla. The gorilla is running for all he's worth but he knows the lion is gaining on him. So in desperation the lion runs into an empty safari camp, ducks into one of the tents, and puts on some explorer gear - khaki clothes, hat, etc. Then he finds a newspaper and sits down and hides behind the paper, makes like he's reading it. Then the lion comes roaring into the tent. "Did you see a gorilla come through here?!?!" the lion yells. The gorilla, hiding behind the paper but still shaking with fear, stammers "Uh...you mean the one that just kicked the lion in the ass?" The lion stops and goes "Shit, it's in the paper already?"
It's game 7 of the NBA finals and a man makes his way to his seat at center court. He sits down and notices that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone is sitting there. He responds, "No, the seat's empty." "The first man exclaims, "What?!? Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the NBA finals and not use it?" The neighbor responds, "Well the seat is mine, but my wife passed away and this is the first NBA finals we haven't been together." The first man responds," I'm sorry to hear that. Wasn't there anyone else, a friend or relative, that could've taken that seat?" The neighbor responds, "No, they're all at the funeral."
A man has come into a bar, every day, for many years. Every time, he asks the bartender to put three shot glasses in front of him, fill them all with whiskey, and the man drinks them down one after another. This continues for quite awhile, until one day when the bartender says "Look, wouldn't it be easier if I just poured all of this into one big glass?" "No, son, it's like this," the man replies. "My brothers and I always used to go out drinking together, but then they moved away. This way I can pretend that they're in the same room with me even now." The bartender seemed satisfied with this, until one day, when the man comes in and asks for only two glasses. "Oh no!" the bartender says. "Did somebody die?" "No," the man replied, "I decided to quit drinking."
Here's a bad one that I like. * * * Back in the olden days, a man was traveling through Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching, and the man had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that it would be all right, and that he could sleep in the barn. The man went into the barn to bed down and the farmer went back into the house. The farmer’s daughter came down from upstairs and asked the farmer, “Who was that man going into the barn?” “That’s some fellow traveling through,” answered the farmer. “He needed a place to stay for the night, so I said that he could sleep in the barn.” The daughter then asked the farmer, “Did you offer the man anything to eat?” “Gee, no, I didn’t,” the farmer answered. The daughter said, “Well, I’m going to take him some food.” She went into the kitchen, prepared a plate of food and then took it out to the barn. The daughter was in the barn for an hour before returning to the house. When she came back in, her clothes were all disheveled and buttoned up wrong, and she had several strands of straw tangled up in her long blonde hair. She immediately went up the stairs to her bedroom and went to sleep. A little later, the farmer’s wife came down and asked the farmer why their daughter went to bed so early. “I don’t know,” said the farmer. “I told a man that he could sleep in the barn and our daughter took him some food.” “Oh,” replied the wife. “Well, did you offer the man anything to drink?” “Umm, no, I didn’t,” said the farmer. The wife then said, “I’m going to take something out there for him to drink.” The wife went to the cellar, got a bottle of wine, then went out to the barn. She did not return for over an hour, and when she came back into the house, her clothes were also messed up and she had straw twisted into her blonde hair. She went straight up the stairs and into bed. The next morning at sunrise, the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left the farm. A few hours later, the daughter woke up and came rushing downstairs. She went right out to the barn, only to find it empty. She ran back into the house. “Where’s the man from the barn?” she eagerly asked the farmer. Her father answered, “He left several hours ago.” “What?” she cried. “He left without saying good bye? After all we had together? I mean, last night he made such passionate love to me!” “What?” shouted the father. “He took advantage of you?” The farmer ran out into the front yard looking for the man but by now the man was halfway up the side of the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, “I’m gonna get you! You had sex with my daughter!” The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hands next to his mouth and yelled out, (You ready for this?) “I laid the old lady, too!” So that is how yodeling came about. * * * Another favorite ... A French man nearly got away with stealing a number of paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the robbery and getting in and out and past security, he was captured only three blocks away when his vehicle ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied… “I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”
For Any Beleibers You’re trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and Justin Beiber. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? You shoot Justin Beiber. Twice. Little Johnny Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions. A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"