TNG Caption This! #396: Who's Number One?

[LeadHead]

Hello everyone! New Contest time!

First up to the plate, we have the "Transfer Criteria" Award, going to:

LAFORGE: And this, Data, is why I want that post in engineering.

Next, we have the "Advanced Communications" Award, going to:

VOICE ON COMM: "Thank you for calling Starfleet Command, your call is very important to us, please stand by for the next available ensign ... ... ... ... There are currently four admirals, six commodores, two starship captains and seven irate ambassadors ahead of you ... ... ... ... Thank you for calling Starfleet Command, your call is very important to us, please stand by for the next available ensign ... ... ... "

Next, we have the "Captain's Orders" Award, going to:

Picard: "Dammit, I said a little off the top!"

Next, we have the "The Worst of Both Worlds" Award, going to:

Riker: What's that note pinned to his chest?

Worf: It's from the Borg. "We don't want him."

Next, we have the "Introduction to Painting" Award, going to:

PICARD: Now, where to begin?
DATA: I would suggest starting with painting in all the areas marked with the number one.
PICARD: God I love art!

Our Photoshop award, goes to:

Picard: Now that is bristol fashion!

"Captain's Log. Stardate 47369.4. Commander Riker has just informed me that, while on Risa, he purchased 1,000 items called 'Wishnik Damn Thing Globes' as gifts for the crew. I can only assume he had been drinking at the time."

And since I'm always a sucker for these gags, I just had to go ahead and make a special award for it.
(I don't intend for this to appear all the time, just when something comes along to need it)

GEORDI: Captain, you can't always pick Biotic in the Mass Effect holonovel, Biotics are totally broken!
PICARD: Captain's privilege. Now die.

Part of the reason why Geordi was promoted to Chief Enginer was the fact that Argyle's decision to jailbreak LCARS resulted in some unfortunate consequences.

Many thanks to everyone who participated and congrats to our winners!

And now, continuing our tour of TNG's main characters, it's time for the Second in command, Will Riker!

Enjoy!

 

[LeadHead]

Captain's Log Supplemental: I have departed the Enterprise and am in a Shuttlecraft heading for Starbase 234. I am now just within phaser range, the moment when Riker inevitably contemplates whether or not the phasers could 'accidentally' fire and make him the Captain.

Riker had never encountered a Chastity Force Field before.

Riker: Well, Mister Potts, lets start from the beginning.

Jake Potts: Well, you let my brother and I come aboard the Enterprise, then told the bridge to go to warp before our parents had beamed aboard.

Riker: I am Commander William Riker of the Enterprise, and I'd like to talk to you about this fabulous new Insurance policy we can offer you.

Riker: (thinking) Nobody will believe I did this...

 

[Mutai Sho-Rin]

Stuck!

 

[LeadHead]

You're fast! I was about to send you a message after I finished putting up the Movies Contest!

 

[Jonas Grumby]

TFTW, LeadHead!

Dr. Crusher: "I'm sorry, Will, but it's too late to do anything about it now. If only you had come to me when it first started getting hairy, or when you first noticed your eyesight beginning to worsen."

 

[Smellincoffee]

Riker: Look! *Fusion* jazz hands!
Picard: You're only holding up one hand.
Riker: ...hence 'fusion'.

Riker: *sigh* 'I now realize that my workplace behavior was inappropriate, and bordered on sexual harassment. I am very sorry and it will not happen again. In the future my conversation, gestures, jokes, and references will be entirely work-related.'
Picard, OS: You've said that enough times to have it memorized, don't you?

Riker, thinking: I really hope the transporter room is unattended when I materialize...

Riker: We are the Federation. Your biological and technological distinctivness will be added to our own. Our culture will adapt to encompass yours. Resistance is mean. And futile.

 

[JirinPanthosa]

ENSIGN (thinking): Oh God, he's about to put his leg up on my console, isn't he? Happy place, happy place!

RIKER: YOW! Somebody SSSSTOP ME!

RIKER: And you think he's mine. I mean, I can't be the only man you were with around that time.
WOMAN: He's just been diagnosed a sex addict. On RISA. By RISAN standards, he is too obsessed with sex. He's yours.

ODAN: Oh, no, I don't have any spots. You're thinking of the SOUTHERN Trills. Liberal idiots, they're actually symbiotic with their hosts.

RIKER: DIE! Haha...now, to fix the wave device to make holes in the Enterprise hull!

 

[FlyingSaucrDude]

Data: I have activated the link to Mr. Worf's Google Glass.
Riker: Deanna...are those...yours...?
Worf (not paying attention, talking to himself): Those bazongas have great honor...

First Officer's Personal Log, supplemental: Judging by the after-effects of my three-way with Doctor Crusher and her patient, apparently whatever he has is contagious to other men...

Jake: Do you expect me to talk?
Riker: No Mister Potts, I expect you to die!

Director (OS): No Frakes, you're supposed to shoot *at* the camera!
Camera Guy (thinking): This is going to be the worst 007 opening credits rip-off ever...

 

[Nerys Myk]

RIKER: Kid, if you don't talk I'm going to violate the Prime Directive.

JAKE: Huh?

RIKER: I'm gonna slap you so hard, you'll wind up before the invention of Warp Drive.

 

[2takesfrakes]

To Deanna Troi's Betazoid senses, the tension betwixt Riker and the blonde ensign
was palpable - apparently having something to do with a box of
Ben Wa balls ...

 

[2takesfrakes]

RIKER: "And here's one last, little 'F.U.' right before I go - just because ..."

 

[shivkala]

Thanks for the win, LeadHead

Commander Riker: Personal Log-Despite the fact that I know it was a gag gift, I'm still pleased I used the Captain's gift certificate for Guinan's lessons on the poise and posture of being a woman. After balancing those PADDs on my head, I can now maintain a strong, if some what feminine, pose while I am in command of the ship. When I feel the need to revert to my old ways and mount CONN or OPS, I just remember the inspiring words of the 20th century icon, Helen Reddy, "I am Woman, hear me roar!"

Riker immediately regretted his choice to high-five the force field.

Riker: Again, I think this meeting would go better if I were allowed a little closer.

Woman: And again, I would allow it, if it were not for your unfortunate habit of spitting every time you say a "p" or "t" sound. My client, Mr. Potts, already showered today, thank you very much.

Riker: Party Pooper. Oh. Wait, I see it now. I ap...I'm sorry.

Riker/Odan: Look, buddy, your shuttlecraft was upside down when we beamed in. And as for your Grandma, she shouldn't have mouthed off like that!

Riker: *to himself* Take that, Solo, I shot first and ain't nobody gonna retcon that out in a future release!

http://www.trekbbs.com//www.pinterest.com/pin/create/extension/

 

[Nerys Myk]

ALIEN: You dare have us negotiate with the swine who took my daughter's virtue!?

PICARD: Damn, I knew we should have gone with La Forge!

 

[Rat Boy]

Riker: "How long have we been staring at the swirly thing?"

Data: "Two hours and thirty-four minutes."

Riker: "We need to upgrade to 4G..."

Riker: "Hey, Ferengi, talk to the....OW! Good God, that hurts!"

Riker: "I want a full and detailed explanation...since we put up the green screen and are adding the warp effect in post. That stuff's costly, you know."

Leka Trion: "A slug that's hosted in other humanoids. Look, I know you want these peace talks to work, but seriously? I can smell the desperation from all the way down here."

Riker: "How's that for a parting shot?"

 

[Nerys Myk]

The first and last time Riker looked badass.

 

[Rat Boy]

Deanna: "And I had to talk you out of twerking the force field."

 

[doubleohfive]

That time Number One really had to go Number Two...

Despite his own opinion to the contrary, Jonathan Frakes' impression of David Tennant's "I don't want to go!" regeneration scene from Doctor Who left much to be desired.

Riker: Of course you're attractive. We just want other things.
Data (thinking): Smooth.

 

[Nerys Myk]

RIKER: Ouch...hot

Ouch...hot

Ouch...hot

Ouch...hot

Ouch...hot

Ouch...hot

PICARD: This could go on for hours.

 

[tharpdevenport]

Picard (off screen): "I told you if you kept masturbating that much that would happen."

 

[Rat Boy]

Leka Trion: "Did you...did you forget to wear pants under your robe?"

Riker/Odan: "No, I didn't forget at all."