When You Lose a "Peripheral" Friend

[USS Triumphant]

A friend of mine passed away last night, just after midnight. He was about my age, died of complications from a heart condition he had been dealing with for a while.

Well, I say he was my friend. And he was, but barely. Honestly, we were both friends with the same group of friends, but we only ever even met a handful of times, and while we were Facebook friends, we really only ever maybe liked each other's comments or statuses. No conversations to speak of. He always seemed like the sort of guy I *would* have been better friends with if we were younger and hung out and neither of us was always busy with job/kids/etc.

So now this morning, I'm torn up with grief and feel stupid for feeling that way all at the same time. I think most of it has to do with hearing that ticking clock as I have more and more of the people I've known (personally and from their fame) pass on. I put "I grieve with thee" on his Facebook page, but aside from that, I just want to stay out of the way of his closer friends and especially his family, because the way I feel almost seems like it would be an insult to those people who have actually lost someone important in their lives.

But I mean, hell, I had a couple of bad days and am still occasionally a little bothered by Casey Kasem dying. His countdowns were such a big part of my childhood - the big thing I looked forward to every weekend no matter which of the 22 places I lived while growing up that I was in.

Does anyone else here get like this and feel as dumb as I do about it? Or am I just mental?

 

[SPCTRE]

You shouldn't feel dumb about a death affecting you, no matter how close you were with the person in question. Death reminds us of our own mortality, that doesn't make us mental or egomaniacs. It simply makes us human, I'd say.

 

[Tora Ziyal]

My condolences to you, Triumphant. I've grieved that much for some people whose connections to me were peripheral, as you put it, or at least not obvious to others. I agree w/ SPCTRE that it's neither dumb nor mental.

 

[Kirby]

Triumphant, I think what you are feeling is normal and isn't anything you should be embarassed or self conscious about.
I was a big fan of Survivor (the band) back in the 80's and while I haven't really listened to them much at all over the last decade or so, when Jimi Jamison passed away in August, I was really saddened by it. Possibly moreso then some of my actual real-life friends that have died.
What form our grief takes can be a mystery. This guy may not have been a close friend, but he was important to people who are important to you.
You're ok.

 

[Nick086]

A friend of mine passed away last night, just after midnight. He was about my age, died of complications from a heart condition he had been dealing with for a while.

Well, I say he was my friend. And he was, but barely. Honestly, we were both friends with the same group of friends, but we only ever even met a handful of times, and while we were Facebook friends, we really only ever maybe liked each other's comments or statuses. No conversations to speak of. He always seemed like the sort of guy I *would* have been better friends with if we were younger and hung out and neither of us was always busy with job/kids/etc.

So now this morning, I'm torn up with grief and feel stupid for feeling that way all at the same time. I think most of it has to do with hearing that ticking clock as I have more and more of the people I've known (personally and from their fame) pass on. I put "I grieve with thee" on his Facebook page, but aside from that, I just want to stay out of the way of his closer friends and especially his family, because the way I feel almost seems like it would be an insult to those people who have actually lost someone important in their lives.

But I mean, hell, I had a couple of bad days and am still occasionally a little bothered by Casey Kasem dying. His countdowns were such a big part of my childhood - the big thing I looked forward to every weekend no matter which of the 22 places I lived while growing up that I was in.

Does anyone else here get like this and feel as dumb as I do about it? Or am I just mental?

Ah so he was an acquaintance of yours.

 

[Timewalker]

There's nothing wrong with grieving for the death of someone who was important to you, regardless of whether you met offline, or if you did, if the person was more of an acquaintance or a public figure or celebrity you liked.

Only you know how you feel, and there's no right or wrong way to grieve. Do what's best for you, and if you need to reach out to others, hopefully they will understand.

 

[USS Triumphant]

Thanks for the kind words, everyone who has offered them. I feel a little less like a drama queen now.

Ah so he was an acquaintance of yours.

Maybe, but that doesn't seem quite right. I have plenty of acquaintances that, to be honest, could fall off of the Earth and I would be like, "well, that happened", and continue on without a twinge. I think Shane's death is bothering me more than that mainly because we were very similar - friends, interests, age, kids around the same age, ongoing health issues, etc.

 

[Captain Ice]

Maybe, but that doesn't seem quite right. I have plenty of acquaintances that, to be honest, could fall off of the Earth and I would be like, "well, that happened", and continue on without a twinge. I think Shane's death is bothering me more than that mainly because we were very similar - friends, interests, age, kids around the same age, ongoing health issues, etc.

I totally get that. About two or maybe three years ago, I was working for a florist and, one afternoon I delivered several funeral pieces for a funeral that was taking place that evening. When I looked at the name, I said "That's odd, I used to be best friends with someone by that name." When I got home, I looked up the obituary, only to find out that the funeral was for the man who had been my close friend. We had grown apart during and after college. I think I shocked his family when I showed up for the funeral.

 

[RJDiogenes]

My condolences on the loss of your friend, Triumphant. There's definitely nothing wrong with you. In fact, there's definitely something right with you. Sensitivity to the death of another is one of the noblest traits of humanity.

 

[2takesfrakes]

Triumphant, what you describe is no different, really, than when we've got well-meaning people advising us, perhaps in a very Common Sense way, and we ignore it. Then, someone out of Left Field expresses those very same sentiments and suddenly, we hear it ... we regard it. Is this some odd Instinct? Is it a cultural thing? Maybe it's just the element of surprise, of having it come from an unexpected source that confirms the validity of it. Sometimes, though, it seems to be a matter of where our head is at. If we're experiencing change of some kind, going through something, perhaps, we may clue into examples of it around us, that we may not have taken note of, otherwise. In any case, it's only Human.

 

[USS Triumphant]

In any case, it's only Human.

Well, there's no need to be insulting.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

I've never really been friends with any peripherals, except maybe for the Magic Trackpad. So I can't really say I know what it's like to lose a peripheral friend.