TNG Caption This! #377: Future Starts Slow

[LeadHead]

Hello everyone, new contest time!

First up to the plate, we have the "No-bid contracts Fail again" Award, going to:

Picard: "So...why isn't Geordi here?"
Data: "Commander LaForge is waiting on the observation deck. He refuses to be on the hangar deck with the doors open and only the force field containing the atmosphere."
Riker: "Since when?"
Data: "Since he discovered that the same company that designed the force field emitters also designed the holodeck."
Crusher: "Oh my God! Is that true?!"

Next, we have the "Security Breach" Award, going to:

Riker: ``And … the cybersecurity breach left everyone's holodeck programs open to public scrutiny, you say?''

Next, we have the "Artistic License" Award, going to:

WESLEY: Interesting painting. What's it called?
GEORDI: Let's see. ...Riker's colonoscopy.
WESLEY: Your turn to talk to Data.

Next, we have the "Hope it's a 'Goldshirts die first' episode" Award, going to:

Riker suddenly felt very uncomfortable, being the only redshirt on the Planet of Unspeakable Horror.

Next, we have the "So this is why Picard never gets invited to anything" Award, going to:

Hostess: Which one of you gets the bad news?

Picard: My Klingon friend. It *is* your turn, Mr. Worf.

Worf: Ordering the most expensive wine on the menu is NOT honourable!

Our Photoshop Award, goes to:

PICARD: This guy is from the 25th Century. Maybe you've heard of him.

RASMUSEN: Damn.

Picard: Captain's Log, Supplemental. Unfortunately, due to an unfortunate incident in which the paint used was invisible to Geordi's VISOR, he did not heed the "Caution: Variable Gravity Area" warning. I may need a new Chief Engineer, assuming we can't scrape Lt. LaForge off the ceiling without causing him further damage.

"You must be the Captain's wife. It's good to finally see him in an age-appropriate relationship ..."

"... Mister Worf!"

Congrats to our winners and many thanks to everyone who participated!

And now, the moment you've been waiting for since I didn't get the contest going yesterday... a new contest!

Enjoy!

 

[Finn]

Picard: Thank you for your analysis, O'Brien

 

[LeadHead]

La Forge: As you can see from this graphic, if we let Deanna drive, the ship will be destroyed.

Picard: Welcome to my ready room. Please make yourself at comfortable. (quietly to Riker) Code 3.

Riker: Aye, Sir. Ensign activate the "Lovetorium" program in the Ready Room.

Picard: I find this, overbearing, rude and pathetically incapable of commanding a starship.

Lwaxana: It's Chateau Jellico.

Transporter Chief: I'm sorry, Sir. I don't know where O'Brien is. According to these internet cartoons, he never leaves this room.

Riker: Why did none of us think to grab a phaser before beaming down?

 

[Nerys Myk]

GOLDSHIRT: When are we going to tell him it's Molly O'Brien on stilts and wrapped in a old rug?

PICARD: Yes, we all love synth music from the 1980s. Can you beam us down now, crewman?

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Picard: Yes, very funny, Mr. Kosh. Now will you please step aside and allow me to reach my ready room?

 

[shivkala]

Thanks for the win, Leadhead!

Geordi: Huh, you know, I never really thought of it, but I don't think I've seen the ship from the outside. I mean, seriously, that's what this ship looks like? It's goofy looking!

Picard: Number One, about that "promote Geordi to Chief Engineer" idea I had...I've made a huge mistake.

Even with a costume like that, Picard still has to attempt to check out "'dat ass."

Lwaxana: Something wrong with the wine, Jean Luc?

Picard: Yes. It's not poisoned.

Transporter: Huh. According to this, the transporter destroys your body and creates a replicant that appears when the process is complete. Kind of makes you think, huh? Anyway, up on the pads, I'll beam you down to the planet now.

Riker: First Officer's Log, Sometimes, I like to believe that we're fictional characters in a story where, from time to time, the writers get lazy and just insert other, famous, fictional characters into our stories because they were up late doing drugs the night before.

Picard: Yes, very funny, Mr. Kosh. Now will you please step aside and allow me to reach my ready room?

Kosh: I have always been here.


http://www.pinterest.com/pin/create/extension/

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Picard: Yes, very funny, Mr. Kosh. Now will you please step aside and allow me to reach my ready room?

Kosh: I have always been here.

Picard: MISTER Kosh, if you do not move aside precisely right now, I shall employ my right foot in such a manner that will make you dearly wish you were an incorporeal being.

 

[JirinPanthosa]

DATA: Second officer's log, supplemental. My attempts to explore the human concept of 'Practical jokes' by putting a large magnet behind the console has had the unintended side effect of shattering the cartilage in Geordi's nose. Will adjust practical joke program accordingly.

PICARD: PERSONA!

PICARD: Nope. Can't think of any non-urine jokes for this picture.

PICARD: Lieutenant. What happened to Dr Pulaski?
GOLDSHIRT: Umm...
PICARD: You accidentally rematerialized her out in space, didn't you?
GOLDSHIRT: I don't see how that could have happened.
PICARD: Riker, see if we can get Dr Crusher back. And don't let Chief O'Brien out of the transporter room for a second. Nobody else can be trusted with it.

RIKER: I have to admit, Mr Barcalay's holoprogram is kind of fun.
MUSKETEER PICARD: Now, shall we begin the orgy?
RIKER: SHUTTIN' IT DOWN!

 

[Jonas Grumby]

TFTW, LeadHead!

Lwaxana: I'm really looking forward to after dinner, Jean Luc! I Spacebook with Vash, and she told me about that thing you do with your thing while shouting 'Make it so! Make it so!'"

Picard (exasperated): "Yes, yes, we're all very impressed that you can operate the transporter with one hand behind your back."
Worf (sotto voce to Troi): "Geez, this guy is a bigger douchebag than Leland T. Lynch."

LaForge: "Musketeers?! Goddamned holodeck! I asked for Mouseketeers!"

 

[Avro Arrow]

Thanks for the win, LeadHead!

LaForge: Wait a minute... what the hell? Is that a giant rubber duck?

Picard: And on behalf of the United Federation of Planets, I'd like to welcome you aboard the flagship. I hope that this meeting will foster a deeper understanding between our two civilizations.

Ops: *snicker*

Conn (whispering): Commander, is someone going to tell him he's talking to the ambassador's backside?

Riker (softly): Eyes on the console, ensign. Eyes on the console.

Transporter Operator: Don't worry, sir, I know I've just started here, but I've got this. It'll just be a minute. Ah, here we go... "How to Transport Someone in Seven Easy Steps"!

 

[Trekker4747]

Riker: The captain always gets so overly formal when Gandalf visits.

 

[Triskelion]

LaForgery: I'm telling you, our warp nacelles generate enough power to open a stable wormhole! All we need is some sort of bipolar directional singularity housing a hyperspatial buffer, maybe a ring-shaped device, creating an event horizon on either end! We could call it a "StarAnus" and put it right here in Ten Backward! We could seed these things all over the galaxy, on every planet! We could even weld an actual metal anus on it!
Picard: Mister Data....
Data: Obviously high on Windex, sir.
Picard: Bloody glass consoles!
Geordi: Open the anus, Close the anus! Open the anus, Close the anus!

Helm: Sir? Sensors are showing a Romulan on the bridge.
Ops: I'm reading it too.
Riker: If that's true, then it could be any one of us, Ensign. Or should I say, SUBCOMMANDER! Kirk chop!

Picard: What is this, Phyrox Plague mixed with Klingon trenchfoot?
Lwaxana: It's Chateau Picard.
Picard: Ah, the '76. Nice. Now, the '77? Pure Bolian sewer scum and hemorrhoid dribblings. But this '76, very nice indeed.
Lwaxana: Oh save the sommelier shtick, we both know I'm open for business like a Seven Eleven.

Data: The transporter appears to need a diagnostic of the Heisenberg compensators. We should purge the buffers.
Troi: I think the Transporter's compensating for something, all right. Like an impotent slider and a big ol' gay imager.
Worf: I'll purge the transporter's buffers right now. With a fucking mek'leth.
Transporter Chief: You people know I'm not called "the Transporter," right?
Riker: Awesome movie.
Picard: Now that was a kick-ass Transporter.

Riker: We're, uh, very tolerant of you Gay Musketeers in the 24th century.
Troi: Will, we've been over this.

 

[2takesfrakes]

Thanks for the win! >: )

"Sacré bleu! That's the last time I try a STAR TREK-themed beverage!"

 

[2takesfrakes]

TRANSPORTER OPERATOR: "OK, after Chief O'Brien beamed you down, you all say the transporter worked fine. But when I beamed you back up, now you all have something wrong with your bodies, yes? Alright, one at a time, tell me what's wrong. Then, I'll enter the corrections manually and we'll try this, again."

PICARD: "I'm supposed to have a full head head of hair, ensign."
RIKER: "This is embarassing, but ... my tool seems to be about 4 inches shorter than it was."
DATA: "My skin tone was more flesh-like in appearance."
WORF: "I had short, black hair, before."
TROI: "My breasts were a cup size larger."

 

[Nerys Myk]

RED SWORD: Witches! Burn them at the stake!!!!!

RIKER: Who's idea was it to remake "All Our Yesterdays"?

ZARABETH: Mr. Atoz, this is not the Library.

RIKER: I see the Captain brought back a souvenir from Sarpeidon.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Riker: Captain Picard, the Romulan ambassador is hailing. He's threatening to declare war if he doesn't speak to you immediately. Captain?....Captain?....

 

[Avro Arrow]

LaForge: I can't believe what Reg is doing with his holodeck time. It's unconscionable!

Troi: You're seriously going to try for the moral high ground here, Mr. "Every Time You Touch the Engines"?

 

[datalal624]

LAFORGE: I'm detecting significant amounts of red on this display. I'll see what I can find out about its source.
PICARD: Make it so. The lack of color variation on this screen is frankly embarrassing, even for the 80s...I mean, the 24th Century.

FIGURE: We are the knights who saaayy... NIH!
PICARD: Ensign Biggles, get out of that costume at once! And knock it off with the Monty Python references - they were old 300 years ago!
[PICARD thinks to himself silently: Ahh, this brings me back to fond memories of my school days, 75 odd years ago, when we'd taunt each other like the French Knight, and sing the Camelot song. Ahh, happy memories!]

LIEUTENANT: Uhh, just...just give me a second here. Whoa, I just about fudged the system there, haha. Don't worry I'll have you transported out of here in a jiffy, Captain.
PICARD: Make it so. Preferably NOW, Lieutenant.
WORF [thinking]: Today is a good day to die...but not like this!

HOLOGRAM DATA: NO ONE expects the Spanish Inquisition!
HOLOGRAM PICARD: Especially when we're dressed as the Three Musketeers and not Cardinals!
HOLOGRAM LAFORGE: Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to Monty Python skits, and... uh...
RIKER: I don't have time for this. [fires phaser]
HOLOGRAMS, AS THEY DISINTEGRATE: [Noooo faaaiiiirr...]

 

[Triskelion]

Geordi: Who the !@#$% keeps putting a brewery on every starship?
Data: That would be General Order 47-B, the Commander Scott Directive.

Transporter: Whoa, somebody's ass got point seven cc's bigger today. There a chocolate shop on the planet?
Troi: I swear to Shakaree I will lobotomize you with a rusty mind scalpel.

 

[Smellincoffee]

Picard: It has a good nose.
Lwaxana: So do YOU, Jean-Luc!

ND Officer: Oh, you guys want to like, get off the ship? I can totally do that. Let me find the console here. Oh! There it is. Right in front of me. Look at these buttons, man, they glow! That is AWESOME.
Riker: Maybe we should inspect the cargo we just took on from that Rifa planet, captain.