TNG Caption This! #421: The Trouble with Turbolifts

Picard: Before I allow you to pass through the threshold onto the bridge, you must answer for me a riddle for the ages - What has -
Wesley: It's Man.
Picard: You haven't even heard the question! What has four -
Wesley: Yeah yeah, the riddle of the Sphinx, I believe I read that one in Oedipus or something. What has four legs in the morning, two in the afternoon and three in the evening? It's Man, right? Or - maybe I should say One, here? Is that de rigueur now?
Picard: THAT'S NOT EVEN CLOSE TO WHAT I WAS GOING TO ASK! And I run the French idiom racket on this ship.
Wesley: Oh, sorry. Please, continue.
Picard: WHAT HAS FOUR LIGHTS IN THE MORNING, UH - OH SCREW IT I need points with Beverly anyway. Number One, a smoking jacket for the boy.
Riker: Two sizes too small sir?
Picard: That is...de rigueur here.

 

Picard: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Wesley: I don't think it's working, sir.
Picard: Merde.

 

Picard: No, Will, let him stay. I'm sure somewhere in the multiverse, there's a version of Star Fleet which would let a Cadet immediately become a Captain, so what harm is there in letting a teenager become an acting Ensign?



Troi: Don't go breaking my heart.

Worf: I couldn't if I tried.

Troi: Honey if I get restless...

Worf: Counselor, you are not that kind.



Data: Geordi vomited in the turbolift again. Unfortunately, it came right after he fine tuned my olfactory senses.

 

Picard: "Young man, shouldn't you be in the...cages? With the other children?"
Riker: "Classrooms, sir. Not cages."
Picard: "Whatever."

 

Picard: "Now listen to me very carefully: what have you done with my assless chaps, Wesley?"



Troi: "I sense...annoyance."

Worf: "We're twenty minutes late for work! What do you think he'd be feeling?!"



Picard: "Data, I don't think that's the bathroom."

Data: "...I shall be more observant in the future, sir."

 

Picard: Just a minute, Wesley—

Wesley: Sorry, sir, I know you don't allow children on the bridge, but my mother really wants her Annie Lennox collection back.

Riker: She's still not speaking to you? Sir, I suggest you have it back before the annual crew physicals start next week.

Picard: Oh, merde. Make it so, Number One.

 

Picard: "Wesley! What did you just do???"

Wes: "Sorry, captain -- I couldn't find a bathroom."

 

Obi-Wan Picard: I'm not the captain you are looking for!

 

Picard: "Keep holding it Wesley! Only 30 more seconds before you break the Federation record!

 

PICARD: ....and probably the most worthless job on the ship. Why do we even have one?

TROI: Wow, he really hates you.

 

Picard: No, Data, the doors are powered down -
Data: ...
Picard: Stop forcing them, there's a manual control release -
Data: ...
Picard: Data - you can't -
Data: ...
Picard: Data just step back a moment -
Data: ...
Picard: The re-
Data: ...
Picard: If y -
Data: ...
Picard: Ho -
Data: ...
Picard: DATA, MANHANDLING IT ONLY MAKES IT WORSE -
Data: ...
Picard: Data -
Tasha: Don't bother, sir.

 

WORF: Wow, he really hates you.

 

Troi: This is not bad. Why don't we use this turbolift more often?
Picard: Counselor! Grab me a tea from my replicator while you're over there.
Troi: Oh that's right.
Picard: Worf! Adjust the main viewer! The stars are all streaky.




Wesley: Ass rubbing McCoy and...Running Spock?
Picard: Welcome to the bridge.

 

Picard: Fire at will, Worf. Both of them

 

Picard: No Will, don't kill him yet. Let's torture him first.



Troi: Someone really needs to hoover the carpet.

Worf: Oh yeah, I'm totally up for that.



Guinan: You're a droid and I'm a noid. Geddit.
Data: Yeah, I'm getting out.

 

Troi: "You think any of them know we've been making out in here?"
Worf: "Clearly you have not yet visited my YouTube channel."

 

Picard: Thank God, someone worse dressed than me. Welcome to the bridge Mr. Crusher!



Troi: So what is going on with this romance between us?

Worf: Not a clue. I think the writers might be on crack.




Data: I don't know why Geordi didn't just do this in the pic in the first half of the contest!

 

Good times

 

Picard: No, Number One. We mustn't interrupt the Time Out process. According to Jo Frost (super nanny) the child must remain in the Naughty Circle one minute per year of age.



Worf: You heard the Captain. We are in the naughty circle.
Troi: Oh, grow up. Deck 10!

 

Picard: "Oh, and Wesley, if you ever get the chance to visit Wrigley's Pleasure Planet, here's a little trick the local girls just love! You take these two fingers and--"
Riker: "Well, I think that's enough for today, Wesley! We'd better be getting you back to your studies now!"