Strangest Rejections....

[Australis]

I'll always remember what a friend said about guys not being able to pick up a girl is interested in him. "She could be standiong across the street holdinmg up a sign saying 'I want to sleep mwith you', and I'd be like, 'What does she really mean? Nonono, what does she really mean?'" Cracks me up because it's true.

 

[Timewalker]

Don't do this...
"We should definitely hang out again soon."
"I'll call you." <--- Granted these days it seems like everyone knows that's just a line, but still...
"I had a great time!"
"I like you but my friends didn't really like you." <--- Yes, I actually got that one once upon a time.

Do this...
"Hey, thanks for meeting up with me, but I don't really think we'd work as friends. Sorry about that."
"I'm flattered that you're into me, but I don't feel the same way. I'm very sorry about that."
"We can meet up again if you want to...but I really don't think this will work out. Here's my number, but please don't get your hopes up."

There's a lot to be said for being apologetic (or at least acting the part) and showing that while you may not be interested in pursuing anything with the person, the fact that you're probably hurting them with your words at least matters to you a little bit.

So if someone had fun when they were with you, you don't want them to say so unless they want a relationship?

How are they showing interest? People often misinterpret my friendliness for something more.

Studies have shown that men on average are less able to pick up on non-verbal cues and less able to detect emotions via facial expressions. I don't think (usually) that it's woman leading men on, just that women are being friendly and men can misinterpret that.

At least that's what I've seen.

Mr Awe

Yep. Some guys need to learn that much of the time, "Hello" just means "hello" as in a polite greeting. It doesn't mean anything more than that.

 

[DonIago]

I'm not necessarily talking about wanting a relationship in the sense of being a couple, I'm talking about a relationship in the sense of interacting at all.

 

[Timewalker]

So it's a case of you don't want anyone you've only met once to say they had fun with you if it was a one-time event?

Good grief! It's not a sin or rude to say you had fun with someone if it's somebody you know you might never encounter again. I've been in those situations at science fiction conventions when I got involved in a really great conversation with somebody, got involved in a game, or whatever.

I remember at BanffCon (back in the '90s), when I got into a game of Aggravation in the consuite. I was playing with some people from Vancouver, and after awhile we somehow acquired an audience of spectators. That made the game more interesting for me, since I knew some of the people were speculating I'd win (yeah, I know that game is dependent on dice, but there's a little strategy involved...). I had a fun time for those couple of hours spent gaming, and when it was over I told my last remaining opponent that I'd had a good time. I never expected I'd ever see him again, but he certainly didn't take offense. He didn't expect me to be with him for the rest of the convention, or exchange phone numbers for later (this was pre-internet)...

Sometimes a one-time fun time is just that. Why get mad if that's all there is?

 

[DonIago]

I thought it was pretty obvious that my point was that people shouldn't suggest they want more than a one-time event if in fact a one-time event is all they wanted.

 

[Timewalker]

I thought it was pretty obvious that my point was that people shouldn't suggest they want more than a one-time event if in fact a one-time event is all they wanted.

I understand that, but what I don't get is how "I had a good time" translates into "I want more."

 

[Kestra]

I'm not necessarily talking about wanting a relationship in the sense of being a couple, I'm talking about a relationship in the sense of interacting at all.

I can see how that would be disappointing and hurtful if they knew their feelings and lied for the sake of civility. It's tough to tell someone you don't like them even as a friend though, so I can see why it's done. If no serious relationship has been formed, then it should be relatively easy for both people to move on.

 

[teacake]

IOW, don't take things personally. People don't want to be hurtful and sometimes it means the gloss a bit. Accept it.

 

[DonIago]

I'd rather people had the balls to admit when they didn't want to continue associating instead of spouting bullshit lines.

 

[Mr Awe]

<Shrug> Not everyone will want to be friends with you. Fact of life. It may not even have anything to do with you. Or, perhaps, the original association was fun and they honestly thought you'd hang out, but then life gets in the way. People get busy and if your aren't already part of their regular routine, you might not see them but I wouldn't take it as a slight.

Mr Awe

 

[Pondwater]

People often misinterpret my friendliness for something more.

Same here.

 

[TremblingBluStar]

How are they showing interest? People often misinterpret my friendliness for something more.

Yeah. Probably because it defies expectations in that most people in general are not friendly toward strangers.

I have been rejected for far stranger reasons than no tattoo, such as "I only date guys I am in a class with" to "I don't date guys who are on antidepressants".

People in general can't help what they feel or who they feel it for. I've always, for example, had a soft spot for girls who are in rock bands and can sing, as well as tattoos. I learned through experience, however, that I was chasing an ideal that didn't exist in that such women tend to not have very stable relationships. I went through 3-4 bad relationships in y 20's before I learned this lesson.

Young girls who chase after bad boys are doing the same stupid crap I did. They will either learn and mature, outgrowing their bad boy phase, or they will end up as middle aged divorcees chasing after middle aged bikers.

 

[Use of Time]

I found out the hard way that the subtle things we do to others can cause feelings of rejection in a more significant way than we would expect.

Long story.

When I was home from college one winter I went out to a house party near a local college with some friends of mine from high school. When we went inside there were some sorority girls (pledges maybe?) standing on a table with pitchers of beer for people that would donate to their fundraiser. I grabbed a plastic cup and got in line but when I got close enough to the table, this girl gave me a funny look before grabbing my cup, crushing it and screaming "Fuck you Phil" directly into my face. Confused, we decided to go elsewhere but while walking across the front yard I hear her following me while yelling "Fuck you. You were a dick in high school. I used to have a crush on you but you were just too fucking cool to even acknowledge me!" I opted not to respond and decided to leave feeling very confused and a little embarassed.

During the drive I asked my friend if he knew who she was. He didn't remember the name but could have sworn that she was a year or two behind us and that we had given her a ride with some other people one night to a football game during our senior year of high school. It somewhat jogged my memory and I vaguely remembered responding to her greetings of "hello" in the hallways. I was somewhat upset by this incident seeing as I was never one to act dismissively or superior to anyone in high school. I never thought of myself as one of the "cool kids" and I was pretty much open to spending time with anyone that was willing.

Long story short, one brief car ride in high school and my one line responses of "hello" somehow made a bigger impression on this girl than I ever realized. I suppose she took my brief responses to her greetings as dismissive or that I was somehow embarassed to be seen talking to her. I found it disturbing that this had caused her to harbor such intense anger for so long to the point where the sight of my face three years later would motivate her to cause such a scene. I try my best to be cognizant of the impression I give off either through the words I say or my body language.

 

[DonIago]

If it helps, her reaction seems a little (though not necessarily entirely) unwarranted to me.

 

[Use of Time]

Well yes I definitely agree that her reaction was unwarranted but it was just so bizarre. I'm one of those people that really hates socially awkward situations and I had more of a feeling of embarrassment for her than any desire to argue with her. Just wish she would have expressed her anger in a way other than drawing the attention of 50 people.

 

[Kestra]

It's impossible to know what is really going on with other people or how we might affect them. It's one of the reasons I try to be kind to others (though I often fail). You never know how your words may affect someone.

 

[teacake]

This is a good story though because it highlights how easy it is to read into another's actions and words. A person can be friendly, offer to help you out with stuff, compliment you on what you're wearing.. all kinds of things and have zero interest in you, though if you are attracted to them it's natural to interpret these things as signs. I'm reminded of long high school conversations where I would be stuck listening to someone talking about how "he definitely sat next to me for a reason, I mean there was a seat two seats away but he sat next to mine and then he handed me his pen when mine broke and.." Yeah all of that is over interpretation but it happens even with more concrete stuff because some people are just plain friendly, or enjoy the attention that being nice brings them.

 

[Timewalker]

Well yes I definitely agree that her reaction was unwarranted but it was just so bizarre. I'm one of those people that really hates socially awkward situations and I had more of a feeling of embarrassment for her than any desire to argue with her. Just wish she would have expressed her anger in a way other than drawing the attention of 50 people.

Since that was evidently the first time she'd seen you since high school (and it was an unexpected meeting), she very probably blurted out the first thought that crossed her mind.

 

[Use of Time]

This is a good story though because it highlights how easy it is to read into another's actions and words. A person can be friendly, offer to help you out with stuff, compliment you on what you're wearing.. all kinds of things and have zero interest in you, though if you are attracted to them it's natural to interpret these things as signs. I'm reminded of long high school conversations where I would be stuck listening to someone talking about how "he definitely sat next to me for a reason, I mean there was a seat two seats away but he sat next to mine and then he handed me his pen when mine broke and.." Yeah all of that is over interpretation but it happens even with more concrete stuff because some people are just plain friendly, or enjoy the attention that being nice brings them.

Exactly this. It's a shame because if she knew anything about me she would have known how appalled I would have been to know she thought this of me. I would not have been opposed to spending time with her again either but our paths just didn't cross again for whatever reason. It's just amazing how much was inferred with such little interaction.

 

[Australis]

If it was me, I'd find out how to contact her, and simply sasy, "I'm a guy, I was completely oblivious, and I'm very sorry". Might help her move on, and it's a 'good guy' thing to do.

<waits for others to say, "this is a bad idea"...>