TOS Caption Contest #226: Comm Jobs

Spock (into intercom): No, captain, the technicians still haven't figured out what turned Uhura from black to white. But it appears to be the same "Peter Pan Syndrome" responsible for turning Arex into a blond human as well.

 

Uhura: "Chekov, good news--you can break off an hour early from your shift today."

Having forgotten a chest-bump requires one other person to do it with, Chekov flung himself over the rail, and spent the rest of his time off in sickbay.

 

Suddenly, Chekov let out a blood curling scream. Uhura would never have believed it if she hadn't seen it for herself.

 

Crewman: "Lieutenant, check out this thumbnail movie disc I found lying on Spock's station."
Lt. Palmer: "Well I'll be damned. 'Debbie does Vulcan!'"
Spock: (frozen) "Oh... crap."

 

Kirk, reading: "CPM IS A SXST DCHBG". Is this a new cipher you're testing, lieutenant?



Spock: First Officer's log. Switching to plum-colored coveralls seems to have diminished random fatalities from both shipboard accidents and alien intruders. Reccommend fleetwide adoption.


Chekov: NOOOOOOO!
Uhura:...
Sulu, wincing: Not everything is a double entendre, man!


Mason: Hey, babe -- why so blue?
Tavas: Oh, THAT's original.
Mason: It's like, clever, right? Blue. Because YOU're blue, and --

There's a reason some officers stay ensigns forever.

 

Uhura: "If you don't stop trying to look down my blouse I'm going to smack you so hard your teeth are going to beat the turbolift to Deck 5!"

 

Uhura couldn't figure it out. It didn't seem to be coming from the comm channels. It was faint, but definitely there. A very softly spoken voice singing "It's ya birfday, it's ya birfday".

 

Who could have predicted it, that iPods would make a comeback in the 23rd century?

 

Uhura: "Message coming in from Starfleet Command, Captain! Message reads: 'To Commander, USS Enterprise. From Admiral Komack, Starfleet Command. Have received reports of violations aboard your ship of Starfleet regulations pertaining to uniforms. Said violations reportedly instigated by yourself as commanding officer. Please be advised that standard Starfleet female duty uniform does--repeat DOES--include pants! Suggest you rectify situation immediately, including full personal apologies to all female crew members.'"
Kirk (sighs): "Well...it was fun while it lasted."

 

KIRK: You're quite nimble with those fingers, Lieutenant.

Come to my quarters when you're off-duty. Tonight.

I'll bring the lotion.




SPOCK: Aye, sir. The repairs to make the communications panel buttons blink more brightly and even more out-of-sequence are going as planned.

I expect Miss Uhura to be going into seizures within the next four solar hours.




CHEKOV: De radio station picked my number!!!

DEY PICKED MY NUMBER!!! I VON!!!

 

UHURA: Starfleet Command isn't responding, sir. I've tried every possible frequency...even the emergency bands. What should I do now?

KIRK: Start singing that awful-ass tune you sang when Charlie Evans was aboard.

If Starfleet doesn't respond to THAT...even if it's to say "shut the hell up"...NOTHING will work.

 

Kirk: "Sometimes it's the most difficult situations from which we learn the most. Did you learn anything from our recent encounter with the Platonians?"

Uhura: "As a matter of fact, Captain, I did."

Kirk: "Well, Lieutenant, would you care to enlighten me?"

Uhura: "Well, no matter how much awesomeness a person has, if a visit to telekinetic aliens is on the schedule, don't have the garlic-onion sauté for lunch."

 

KIRK: What do you mean you cant get the Howard Stern Show?

 

Kirk: "Are you absolutely sure, Lt ? "

Uhura: "Yes sir, people are getting your friend requests on Spacebook, they're just not confirming them. "

 

Intercom: I'm sorry but you must dial a one first before dialing this frequency.

 

Uhura: "I told them they didn't get all the tribbles."

 

Uhura: I thought the Doc was the only one to get explosive diarrhea.

 

Nichols: "Walter, Kirstie's second place finish on Dancing With the Stars shouldn't give you the idea you have a chance in hell on that show."

 

Chekov could never resist acting out whenever he heard the ancient "Rocky" theme being played over the ship's commsystem.

 

UHURA: I'm trying, sir.

But I can't seem to override the panel and change the station's viewscreens to all-new pastel drawings.