I'm going to take a stab at "reviewing"/recapping some old comic books here, mostly old corny ones with bizarre plots. My first review will be of:
Written by: Doug Moench
Artist: Adrian Gonazels
Inker: Sal Trapani
----------------------------------------
Now, I've no idea on what age is what in comic books, I was never greatly into them growing up and couldn't tell you what's a Golden Age, Silver Age, Pre-Crisis or Post-Crisis, based on the plot of this issue, however, I am going to go with it being a "Pewter Age" book.
I open the book and immediately comes a face-palm of fail. I don't understand who thought this was a good idea but on the inside-cover of the book there's an advertisement for a video-game. What's the big deal you ask? The advetisement is for a Spider-man video-game! (On the Atari.) Why is that a big deal? Well, because it means this DC Comic book is advertising a product that will benefit their rival -Marvel. That's sort of like putting an advertisement for Burger King in with your McDonald's order.
Spider-man Video-Action Game Cartridge, the GTA of its time.
We open up the story with a nice little action-piece featuring Batman swooping in to stop two Gotham criminals doing.... something in an alleyway. It sort-of looks like one is performing a blow-job on the other but it's hard to tell what exactly is going on; "As Gotham's night breeds shadows so do the shadows breed crime but there is one shadow, at least which defies its origins." I'm not sure what any of that means.
Sure, it's an odd angle, but....
We get a Superman-ian "That's no bird!" moment before the Caped Crusader swoops in and takes out the two alleyway BJers, taking out one by throwing him into a wall so hard the guy's head shatters bricks!
Ummm, Batman, you may not kill but you do seem to cause serious cranial trauma.
Batman turns to watch as another alley-way thug kills an innocent civilian before Batman can get there, Batman does his best Vader impersonation as a result.
That's right, Vader! Batman did it first!
When then swing over to Metropolis where...
Okay this is where I get confused, where are Metropolis and Gotham located geographically to one another? Both are often seen/used as stand-ins for New York City (also known as Generic Big City A) but both have pretty wild geographical inconsistencies and it's hard to imagine these two places being so close to one another. Well, I guess Metropolis could be New York with it being a "nicer" version of New York City and Gotham being New Jersey by being filled with organized crime and poor local sanitation.
Anyway, it seems there's some rocky, desert, cliffs outside Metropolis where Superman is saving two hikers, impressed by his ability to carry a large rock that was about to smash them, Superman then shows us how much love and respect for has for the people he often considers himself a part of.
Superman: "Man, why do I have to keep saving these lousy people?"
Superman places the rock back where it was and uses his heat-vision to fuse it back into place. Huh. Creative. The saved cream their pants over Superman's great ability, which should be common place for them by now, and Superman has an emo-moment where he laments the loss of his home world, Krypton, and that he can never save it. There's also a nice bubble panel that's a close-up of a very Christopher Reeves-looking Superman.
That's right, bitches, I'm THE Superman!
Smash cut too....!
Batman slumped in a Batcave chair, talking to Alfred, and feeling sorry for himself. Sheesh, guy. You can't save them all! Certainly this isn't the first person who has died due to collateral damage or you not being able to be in two places at once! Man, get over yourself. So Batman just wants to be left alone and shoos Alfred away probably so Batman can sit around, write in his journal, and listen to Katy Perry songs. Batman in an inner monologue says he really doesn't want to be left alone and wants someone to talk to.
So he's treating Alfred just like your girlfriend treats you when you want to go out with the guys for the evening and she saying, "Fine, go!" while also thinking that you need to stick around and stroke her ego.
He says he can't even burden Robin with this information (because obviously the first person he thinks about is his teenaged ward of the state) considers contacting "the only person he can talk to" just as Superman helps himself into the Batcave. They decide they need to take time-off from their oh-so-terrible, all-wrong, no-good day and get to know each other better by hanging out in the Fortress of Solitude. Road trip!
Batman: Can you read my mind?
Outside the door (?!?!) to the FoS Batman and Superman chat some as Supes pulls a key (?!?!) to the door out and breaks all laws of perspective to get inside.
Seriously, tell me how anything in this panel lines up with any other thing.
Batman looks at an diorama Superman has in his gallery of himself, in Supersuit, visiting the Kents which is sort-of an odd image in my mind. I'd think he'd visit his parents in his everyday clothes to have Sunday dinner or whatever but, instead, we see him sitting there with the Kents at a kitchen table eagerly awaiting cake.
Batman's still all down on himself and lamenting the loss of the street-guy and how his death resembled the death his parents endured and so on and so forth even admitting that he's considered enlisting Superman's help in finding and stopping all of the crime in Gotham, Batman is consumed about this to the point of wanting to cry out in rage, Superman offers Batman a tender hand on the shoulder.
And a pat on the butt.
Batman apparently has moped about himself all night and now wants Superman to fess up. To his credit Superman says that his problem isn't as bad as Batman's but, well, at the same time Superman sort-of complains about how terrible it was to be raised by two kind, warm, Kansas farmers who adopted him after finding him, mysteriously, in a field. Superman totally wants to know more about his birth parents, whom he doesn't remember due to him being a baby when he left Krypton, and no wacky sit-com hijinks will allow him to ever find them. Superman say he's always on constant watch to ensure the same thing that happened to Krypton doesn't happen to Earth.
Because.... our Yellow Sun is about to go nova sometime soon? What are you getting at Superman?
It was 1983's version of "you complete me."
Suddenly a meteor falls from the sky and crash nearby in the North Pole just outside of the FoS, Superman goes to investigate only to find that it wasn't a meteor but "some kind of corroded space craft." Sure. Okay.
The debris... "hatch" releasing phallic-looking, worm-like, aliens they seem to quickly die due to Earth's atmosphere and Superman thinks it'd be a good idea to bring them home, Batman tries to stop him, but Superman is totally sure everything will be okay due to sterilizing properties of the FOS.
The alien things then begin to revive, Superman deduces it's because of the more temperate FoS room, and then, well I'll let the comic's narrator explain:
"Abruptly --startlingly-- twin auras of glowing force congeal around the two heroes..."
Everyone got that? Good.
The "auras" retract back into the aliens and we get the information that still orbiting bits of "meteor" are now moving towards Earth. So, score one for Batman on the whole "don't bring the strange alien thing inside" suggestion.
The aliens advance on the Superduo who instead of holding their ground back-off and soon the aliens use telekinetic powers to operate the large cache of super-weapons Superman just keeps laying around his place, apparently in the same room he conducts alien autopsies in.
Although Superman claims to have to deactivated and unloaded the weapons before display (like any good, responsible, intra-galactic weapon owner) they're working anyway acting as "channels" for the aliens psychic ability, Superman destroys all of the weapons except for one a "neural inhibitor" he got from Brainiac and he intends to use it against the aliens. The gun is shot at Superman, the beam ricochets off Superman's chest and hits Batman.
Supes, you're not looking too good so far.
A piece of the asteroid is crashing again near the FoS and before Superman decides to get that one and bring it home too Batman stops him, opting to try and use a "telepathic" device to communicate with them, hoping to see what the aliens want.
Batman asks the aliens why they came to Earth, the aliens respond with "Because "here"is the locus in greatest concentration of what we seek." Showing that Superman's universal translator is about is as reliable and coherent as Babelfish is.
The aliens slugs explain that they've been sent by an alien race called the "Kryll" who managed to achieve "immortality" by a process of artificial limb replacement leading to artificial body replacement leading to the entire race being simply artificial life with no organic material, or copulation, needed.
As their bodies became more mechanical, and then all mechanical, the Kryll lost the ability of emotion and now seek to regain it, even though they can't comprehend what it is.
The Kryll made the alien-slugs in attempt to go to a planet, "collect emotion" (which the slugs feed off of). The other asteroids also contain these slugs and once all of them are "active" (they're dormant until the pods open) they will communicate back to their homeworld. Superman intends to destroy the approaching asteroid but is talked out of it by Batman, who tells Superman that by destroying the asteroid
he'll be killing beings with no concept of existence.
"Superman, these creatures have just come to life! That asteroid is all they've ever known, their entire world! You can't smash it to pieces not the way Krypton was smashed!"
Which makes perfect sense.... If Krypton was smashed because it was filled with aliens who were feeding off the energy of another life-form and then destroyed by them. Wait, what's your point Batman?
Whatever it is, it convinces Superman to catch the asteroid and bring it home too just like a cat constantly brining you the rats it killed into your kitchen.
The other ship opens, exposing more slug-aliens and then the narrator tells us this: "Upon sensing their brethren, the small slugs effortlessly snap the spell of Brainiac's weapon. Then begins an awkward groping, a smaller questing at the end of their overall, and far less intimate, quest. Tentative undulations not unlike a bizarre mating ritual followed by a physical linkage, symbiotic mating and psychic energy."
I think there should be a "Dear Penthouse Forum..." before all of that.
Superman and tentacle sex, you thought it impossible.
After.... that. The aliens say that their feeding on Earth's emotions will leave it as dead and dull as the Kryll world is but the aliens have decided that they cannot do that so they're opting to die, Superman is horrified at the idea of these things dying... for some reason. The slugs telepathically link with the Kryll and tell them of the choice, saying that it is up to the Kryll to decide what to do with the little information they've gotten and whether or not they want to continue living is immortal machines. The alien slugs die in front of Batman and Superman as the pair share a cry and lament the loss of the aliens who just died for the sake of all of humanity.
Luckily, the comic spares us the scene of Batman and Superman having sex with one another in a moment of pure candidness and bonding of emotion, and we leave our heroes behind.
The story is muddled and too mushy and, frankly, I'm not sure what the hell anyone was thinking when this thing was made. Oy!
If you've any suggestions for other comics for me to look at please let me know!
World's Finest Comics
Staring:
Superman & Batman
in
The Kryll Way of Dying
Volume 43 No. 289, March 1983
Staring:
Superman & Batman
in
The Kryll Way of Dying
Volume 43 No. 289, March 1983
Written by: Doug Moench
Artist: Adrian Gonazels
Inker: Sal Trapani
----------------------------------------
Now, I've no idea on what age is what in comic books, I was never greatly into them growing up and couldn't tell you what's a Golden Age, Silver Age, Pre-Crisis or Post-Crisis, based on the plot of this issue, however, I am going to go with it being a "Pewter Age" book.
I open the book and immediately comes a face-palm of fail. I don't understand who thought this was a good idea but on the inside-cover of the book there's an advertisement for a video-game. What's the big deal you ask? The advetisement is for a Spider-man video-game! (On the Atari.) Why is that a big deal? Well, because it means this DC Comic book is advertising a product that will benefit their rival -Marvel. That's sort of like putting an advertisement for Burger King in with your McDonald's order.
Spider-man Video-Action Game Cartridge, the GTA of its time.
We open up the story with a nice little action-piece featuring Batman swooping in to stop two Gotham criminals doing.... something in an alleyway. It sort-of looks like one is performing a blow-job on the other but it's hard to tell what exactly is going on; "As Gotham's night breeds shadows so do the shadows breed crime but there is one shadow, at least which defies its origins." I'm not sure what any of that means.
Sure, it's an odd angle, but....
We get a Superman-ian "That's no bird!" moment before the Caped Crusader swoops in and takes out the two alleyway BJers, taking out one by throwing him into a wall so hard the guy's head shatters bricks!
Ummm, Batman, you may not kill but you do seem to cause serious cranial trauma.
Batman turns to watch as another alley-way thug kills an innocent civilian before Batman can get there, Batman does his best Vader impersonation as a result.
That's right, Vader! Batman did it first!
When then swing over to Metropolis where...
Okay this is where I get confused, where are Metropolis and Gotham located geographically to one another? Both are often seen/used as stand-ins for New York City (also known as Generic Big City A) but both have pretty wild geographical inconsistencies and it's hard to imagine these two places being so close to one another. Well, I guess Metropolis could be New York with it being a "nicer" version of New York City and Gotham being New Jersey by being filled with organized crime and poor local sanitation.
Anyway, it seems there's some rocky, desert, cliffs outside Metropolis where Superman is saving two hikers, impressed by his ability to carry a large rock that was about to smash them, Superman then shows us how much love and respect for has for the people he often considers himself a part of.
Superman: "Man, why do I have to keep saving these lousy people?"
Superman places the rock back where it was and uses his heat-vision to fuse it back into place. Huh. Creative. The saved cream their pants over Superman's great ability, which should be common place for them by now, and Superman has an emo-moment where he laments the loss of his home world, Krypton, and that he can never save it. There's also a nice bubble panel that's a close-up of a very Christopher Reeves-looking Superman.
That's right, bitches, I'm THE Superman!
Smash cut too....!
Batman slumped in a Batcave chair, talking to Alfred, and feeling sorry for himself. Sheesh, guy. You can't save them all! Certainly this isn't the first person who has died due to collateral damage or you not being able to be in two places at once! Man, get over yourself. So Batman just wants to be left alone and shoos Alfred away probably so Batman can sit around, write in his journal, and listen to Katy Perry songs. Batman in an inner monologue says he really doesn't want to be left alone and wants someone to talk to.
So he's treating Alfred just like your girlfriend treats you when you want to go out with the guys for the evening and she saying, "Fine, go!" while also thinking that you need to stick around and stroke her ego.
He says he can't even burden Robin with this information (because obviously the first person he thinks about is his teenaged ward of the state) considers contacting "the only person he can talk to" just as Superman helps himself into the Batcave. They decide they need to take time-off from their oh-so-terrible, all-wrong, no-good day and get to know each other better by hanging out in the Fortress of Solitude. Road trip!
Batman: Can you read my mind?
Outside the door (?!?!) to the FoS Batman and Superman chat some as Supes pulls a key (?!?!) to the door out and breaks all laws of perspective to get inside.
Seriously, tell me how anything in this panel lines up with any other thing.
Batman looks at an diorama Superman has in his gallery of himself, in Supersuit, visiting the Kents which is sort-of an odd image in my mind. I'd think he'd visit his parents in his everyday clothes to have Sunday dinner or whatever but, instead, we see him sitting there with the Kents at a kitchen table eagerly awaiting cake.
Batman's still all down on himself and lamenting the loss of the street-guy and how his death resembled the death his parents endured and so on and so forth even admitting that he's considered enlisting Superman's help in finding and stopping all of the crime in Gotham, Batman is consumed about this to the point of wanting to cry out in rage, Superman offers Batman a tender hand on the shoulder.
And a pat on the butt.
Batman apparently has moped about himself all night and now wants Superman to fess up. To his credit Superman says that his problem isn't as bad as Batman's but, well, at the same time Superman sort-of complains about how terrible it was to be raised by two kind, warm, Kansas farmers who adopted him after finding him, mysteriously, in a field. Superman totally wants to know more about his birth parents, whom he doesn't remember due to him being a baby when he left Krypton, and no wacky sit-com hijinks will allow him to ever find them. Superman say he's always on constant watch to ensure the same thing that happened to Krypton doesn't happen to Earth.
Because.... our Yellow Sun is about to go nova sometime soon? What are you getting at Superman?
It was 1983's version of "you complete me."
Suddenly a meteor falls from the sky and crash nearby in the North Pole just outside of the FoS, Superman goes to investigate only to find that it wasn't a meteor but "some kind of corroded space craft." Sure. Okay.
The debris... "hatch" releasing phallic-looking, worm-like, aliens they seem to quickly die due to Earth's atmosphere and Superman thinks it'd be a good idea to bring them home, Batman tries to stop him, but Superman is totally sure everything will be okay due to sterilizing properties of the FOS.
The alien things then begin to revive, Superman deduces it's because of the more temperate FoS room, and then, well I'll let the comic's narrator explain:
"Abruptly --startlingly-- twin auras of glowing force congeal around the two heroes..."
Everyone got that? Good.
The "auras" retract back into the aliens and we get the information that still orbiting bits of "meteor" are now moving towards Earth. So, score one for Batman on the whole "don't bring the strange alien thing inside" suggestion.
The aliens advance on the Superduo who instead of holding their ground back-off and soon the aliens use telekinetic powers to operate the large cache of super-weapons Superman just keeps laying around his place, apparently in the same room he conducts alien autopsies in.
Although Superman claims to have to deactivated and unloaded the weapons before display (like any good, responsible, intra-galactic weapon owner) they're working anyway acting as "channels" for the aliens psychic ability, Superman destroys all of the weapons except for one a "neural inhibitor" he got from Brainiac and he intends to use it against the aliens. The gun is shot at Superman, the beam ricochets off Superman's chest and hits Batman.
Supes, you're not looking too good so far.
A piece of the asteroid is crashing again near the FoS and before Superman decides to get that one and bring it home too Batman stops him, opting to try and use a "telepathic" device to communicate with them, hoping to see what the aliens want.
Batman asks the aliens why they came to Earth, the aliens respond with "Because "here"is the locus in greatest concentration of what we seek." Showing that Superman's universal translator is about is as reliable and coherent as Babelfish is.
The aliens slugs explain that they've been sent by an alien race called the "Kryll" who managed to achieve "immortality" by a process of artificial limb replacement leading to artificial body replacement leading to the entire race being simply artificial life with no organic material, or copulation, needed.
As their bodies became more mechanical, and then all mechanical, the Kryll lost the ability of emotion and now seek to regain it, even though they can't comprehend what it is.
The Kryll made the alien-slugs in attempt to go to a planet, "collect emotion" (which the slugs feed off of). The other asteroids also contain these slugs and once all of them are "active" (they're dormant until the pods open) they will communicate back to their homeworld. Superman intends to destroy the approaching asteroid but is talked out of it by Batman, who tells Superman that by destroying the asteroid
he'll be killing beings with no concept of existence.
"Superman, these creatures have just come to life! That asteroid is all they've ever known, their entire world! You can't smash it to pieces not the way Krypton was smashed!"
Which makes perfect sense.... If Krypton was smashed because it was filled with aliens who were feeding off the energy of another life-form and then destroyed by them. Wait, what's your point Batman?
Whatever it is, it convinces Superman to catch the asteroid and bring it home too just like a cat constantly brining you the rats it killed into your kitchen.
The other ship opens, exposing more slug-aliens and then the narrator tells us this: "Upon sensing their brethren, the small slugs effortlessly snap the spell of Brainiac's weapon. Then begins an awkward groping, a smaller questing at the end of their overall, and far less intimate, quest. Tentative undulations not unlike a bizarre mating ritual followed by a physical linkage, symbiotic mating and psychic energy."
I think there should be a "Dear Penthouse Forum..." before all of that.
Superman and tentacle sex, you thought it impossible.
After.... that. The aliens say that their feeding on Earth's emotions will leave it as dead and dull as the Kryll world is but the aliens have decided that they cannot do that so they're opting to die, Superman is horrified at the idea of these things dying... for some reason. The slugs telepathically link with the Kryll and tell them of the choice, saying that it is up to the Kryll to decide what to do with the little information they've gotten and whether or not they want to continue living is immortal machines. The alien slugs die in front of Batman and Superman as the pair share a cry and lament the loss of the aliens who just died for the sake of all of humanity.
Luckily, the comic spares us the scene of Batman and Superman having sex with one another in a moment of pure candidness and bonding of emotion, and we leave our heroes behind.
The story is muddled and too mushy and, frankly, I'm not sure what the hell anyone was thinking when this thing was made. Oy!
If you've any suggestions for other comics for me to look at please let me know!
