What is the meaning of forgiveness?

[crookeddy]

Well, this is a bit of an abstract thread, but I'll start it anyway. I'd like to discuss what forgiveness means to you. What does it actually mean to forgive somebody for a bad deed? Should that erase their guilt? Does forgiveness of an act actually diminishes the responsibility for the act? Would forgiving a murderer be an insult to the victim? Also - do you think it's inside human nature to forgive someone for doing something that hurts you, or is it something advanced society has brought up in us? I am curious what you all think.

 

[Xatso]

90% of forgiveness is pretense. Only time heals wounds--and such only resulting actions may in time redeem a relationship.

Regardless of what is pointed out in a religious sense--I still believe in an eye for an eye, but not in any barbaric sense. We all make our choices and we need to accept responsibility for them. Our choices, be it 'good' or 'bad' not only affect us, they influence, change and affect other people, whatever be the result.

I postulate that in the end we are all responsible, and thus forgiveness is kind of a moot point. A murderer is influenced by his environment, his parents/family, his society, the conditions in his society and the oppertunies that is created by negligence of people in his society. In the end if someone is murdered--why is the murderer pointed out as the only one who is guilty?

 

[Amaris]

My idea of forgiveness generally works out as described in the Desiderata.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

I forgive people who wrong me. I do not, however, forget who they are.
It is not that I hold their transgressions against them, but that I always keep in mind that some do not change, and it is wise to be aware of that.

 

[Shazam!]

It's means you accept that they made a mistake and are willing to move on.

 

[Jan]

I postulate that in the end we are all responsible, and thus forgiveness is kind of a moot point. A murderer is influenced by his environment, his parents/family, his society, the conditions in his society and the oppertunies that is created by negligence of people in his society. In the end if someone is murdered--why is the murderer pointed out as the only one who is guilty?

Because influence doesn't make the choice to murder. Only the murderer does that, therefor only the murderer is guilty.

As for forgiveness, to me it's always meant withdrawing my energy from whatever the wrong done was-no longer allowing it to effect me. That doesn't mean that whatever the wrongdoing was is all right now, simply that it no longer has a bearing on my emotional life.

Jan

 

[Deranged Nasat]

I've never really understood forgiveness. It doesn't make much sense to me, and seems inherently untruthful. I mean, either what a person did hurt you, upset you, etc, in which case that doesn't change- they'll never not have done that- and forgiveness would deny and negate that, or else you weren't really too hurt in which case what is there to forgive? Either you're deluding yourself (or admitting in the original case you made a big deal out of nothing) or else it's a non-entity from the start. I see forgiveness as linked to forgetting (we do say "forgive and forget" as though they are almost synonymous), and I don't forget my emotional responses. This is not to say that you should continue to relate to people in the now as you did then- to remain angry or upset with them as an overall means of relating to them when they can move on, change, grow, take responsibility and reflect, isn't viable, so long as any new moments with them evoke different emotions.

It isn't (for me) a case of "moving on" or "putting things aside", it's simply a case of not letting one moment or happenstance control you when there are others to take into account. You have to relate to people in the now, and as time passes people change, reflect, learn, reconsider or at least are available for the establishment of a relationship that differs from the one you had before.

I suppose I don't believe in forgiveness, because to me it requires both forgetting and a willing desire to negate and dismiss your own feelings, but nor do I particularly need forgiveness, at least how I define it, because I don't experience hate. If there is no desire for revenge (and I never experience that, either), and nothing stopping you relating to someone differently if they change, grow, reflect and learn, what possibly need is there for forgiveness? If someone hurts or upsets me, while it may take some (often relatively short) time, I'm soon on friendly or at least cordial terms with them again. But I haven't forgiven them- I never forgive anyone. Nor do I forget what they have done.

That, of course, includes myself (in fact I'm one of the people I find it hardest not to dwell on the wrongdoings of).

I suppose forgiveness is letting an emotional state you experienced vanish, disperse, disappear, to let it go. I understand entirely that that is a fulfilling, positive experience for many people. It is not, however, something I do- or indeed, I believe, am capable of doing. For me there can never be forgiveness.

Despite all I've written here, sometimes I think I'd like to forgive. At least, if someone were to actually turn to me and sincerely say "sorry", I would feel a certain weight lift. Whether this is similiar to "I forgive you", I'm not sure. I do know that on rare occasions hearing a "I forgive you" can move me very much.

 

[Holdfast]

I would define forgiveness as the ability to compartmentalise and rationalise away (or otherwise emotionally negate) the negative overlay of an adverse life event.

I don't consider it as synonymous with forgetting the event at all, merely setting the emotional and cognitive impact into a positive, life-affirming context instead of a negative, destructive context.

I would almost view it as "forgiving yourself the experience of distress" rather than the more common perception that it is about forgiving others. That latter aspect is a common side-effect of the former, though. I personally feel that the ability to forgive is healthy, in that it frees the person forgiving, alleviating their sense of suffering. It's a hard thing to consistently do, of course, and I wouldn't hold myself out as some sort of paragon in this regard (in some ways, far from it, in fact) but I don't think that means its value is lessened by its difficulty.