I find myself sitting on the precipice of life staring into the dark abyss of the future and, lubricated by a little 12 year old The Glenlivet single malt, I'm turning a little psychoanalytical.
I've become fixated on the scene in the movie The Replacements where the Coach, played by Gene Hackman, takes his team meeting time and asks what their fears are. after the comedic effect of bugs, it turns serious with the QB character, played by Keanu Reeves, uses the metaphoric use of quicksand. How they are all basically afraid of screwing up and going "back home" having had a taste of their dream.
I was thinking about what my fear is, and I think its a fear of failure... Don't know where I got it from, but it has lead me to a point where I would rather opt in not trying because it is one of the many possible outcomes. I talk a good game, but under shoot the outcome. I down play results of anything I do as a hedge to cover "anything less" than success. I will even skip something and lie about failure rather than try. I go into my own head and spin logic about how at least this way I control the outcome. About how I avoided the risk and no one gets hurt, besides suppose I failed anyway, nothing different would have happened.
THe second job I've ever worked is coming to an end. The first one I left on my terms, this time the carpet got pulled out from under me. It wasn't a surprise, I saw the writing on the wall for around two years now. I had just hoped to skate by, floating around, neither advancing more retreating, for as long as possible.
Worse part of all, is that I know that I can do anything. I have always been able to. Any situation, and problem, I always found an answer, a way to rise to the top when challenged. I earned endless praise from customers and coworkers alike in both of my jobs... and endless questioning as to why I was working said job and didn't go to/wasn't in college.
I have no ego that needs to be feed. I find the praise embarrassing, unnerving, pressuring. what if I fail there perception of me. What if I can't live up to their expectations of my services.
What do I fear? I fear failure.
I've become fixated on the scene in the movie The Replacements where the Coach, played by Gene Hackman, takes his team meeting time and asks what their fears are. after the comedic effect of bugs, it turns serious with the QB character, played by Keanu Reeves, uses the metaphoric use of quicksand. How they are all basically afraid of screwing up and going "back home" having had a taste of their dream.
I was thinking about what my fear is, and I think its a fear of failure... Don't know where I got it from, but it has lead me to a point where I would rather opt in not trying because it is one of the many possible outcomes. I talk a good game, but under shoot the outcome. I down play results of anything I do as a hedge to cover "anything less" than success. I will even skip something and lie about failure rather than try. I go into my own head and spin logic about how at least this way I control the outcome. About how I avoided the risk and no one gets hurt, besides suppose I failed anyway, nothing different would have happened.
THe second job I've ever worked is coming to an end. The first one I left on my terms, this time the carpet got pulled out from under me. It wasn't a surprise, I saw the writing on the wall for around two years now. I had just hoped to skate by, floating around, neither advancing more retreating, for as long as possible.
Worse part of all, is that I know that I can do anything. I have always been able to. Any situation, and problem, I always found an answer, a way to rise to the top when challenged. I earned endless praise from customers and coworkers alike in both of my jobs... and endless questioning as to why I was working said job and didn't go to/wasn't in college.
I have no ego that needs to be feed. I find the praise embarrassing, unnerving, pressuring. what if I fail there perception of me. What if I can't live up to their expectations of my services.
What do I fear? I fear failure.
