Well, I broke up with my girlfriend today

[Infern0]

Or last night to be exact, I havent slept so it all blends into one. It was very hard.

I sat her down for a chat, and really I didn't know what to say. I had it all planned out in my head but when it came to getting the words out i didn't do the best job. I told her that we had to break up because things just were not working for me, she couldn't believe it and said she thought everything was fine and wanted to try and work through things. I had to tell her that wasn't possible and I just didn't have the same type of feelings for her any more. I said she could live here for as long as she wanted and that I'd sleep in the spare room and would be willing to share the contents of the house with her. Then she got hysterical and started crying uncontrollably and just broke down, I tried to comfort her but there was nothing I could really do considering it was my fault she was in that state.

She went round to her parents house, and about an hour later her dad came round, giving me tons of abuse, saying i was never good enough and that i'm a wanker and all of that, I just took it all. Then her sister called up and had a go at me too, then her mother, the phone was ringing every 10 minutes for about 3 hours, but again I just took it all.

I don't really know what to do next, I had to do this, it was the right thing for both of us, but She has left all her stuff here, work clothes and everything, it's almost morning now so I guess shes not going to work tomorrow, but she's on 3 month prohbation and cant afford to skip work.

I feel like a prize asshole right now, I know I had to do this, but i feel like i don't even know what. The worst part is that old flame that brought this on, I still can't stop thinking about her, and I know that makes me an awful person.

 

[Miss Chicken]

She is hurt and embarrassed. Maybe you should go and stay somewhere - seeing you have said your income is three times hers - until she has time to think about her future. I mean she had no warning that this was coming, she was happy with you and had no idea that there was anything wrong with your relationship. She didn't know she had become boring to you.

If I was you I would offer to let her take over the lease so that she isn't homeless. As it is a 2 bedroom place she could get someone in to share the expenses. I know the place is in your name but it has been as much her home as yours.

 

[Infern0]

She is hurt and embarrassed. Maybe you should go and stay somewhere - seeing you have said your income is three times hers - until she has time to think about her future. I mean she had no warning that this was coming, she was happy with you and had no idea that there was anything wrong with your relationship. She didn't know she had become boring to you.

If I was you I would offer to let her take over the lease so that she isn't homeless. As it is a 2 bedroom place she could get someone in to share the expenses. I know the place is in your name but it has been as much her home as yours.

Yeah i'll have a look at that, It's probably all I can do for her, and I need to move out of here anyway, I'm in the student area of town and I was considering moving to a nicer area for a while, guess i may as well do it now.

 

[boobatuba]

This is exactly why people shouldn't move in together until they have been in a relationship for at least a year or two and have a more lasting commitment to one another.

That's not meant to be a slam on the OP...lots of people wind up in these situations. I'm sure you were just trying to be nice to your ex. It's a good lesson to others why you shouldn't just try to be a nice guy to a girl you're not sure about or don't know very well and "hope" a long relationship develops.

As for advice to the OP...Miss Chicken has it right. It's going to be difficult and awkward for a while, but it's your responsibility to try and leave your ex on her feet for now.

 

[Infern0]

This is exactly why people shouldn't move in together until they have been in a relationship for at least a year or two and have a more lasting commitment to one another.

That's not meant to be a slam on the OP...lots of people wind up in these situations. I'm sure you were just trying to be nice to your ex. It's a good lesson to others why you shouldn't just try to be a nice guy to a girl you're not sure about or don't know very well and "hope" a long relationship develops.

As for advice to the OP...Miss Chicken has it right. It's going to be difficult and awkward for a while, but it's your responsibility to try and leave your ex on her feet for now.

To be honest I always thought it was a bit of a mistake, When we moved in together it was after about two months of dating, and we had only met each other a little while before that. What we were going to do was have seperate rooms for a while but of course that never happened.

I think what happened was because it was just "convenient" us living together, sharing things and being a couple, we got stuck into a rut and didn't notice that the spark died out pretty quickly.

 

[boobatuba]

To be honest I always thought it was a bit of a mistake, When we moved in together it was after about two months of dating, and we had only met each other a little while before that. What we were going to do was have seperate rooms for a while but of course that never happened.

I think what happened was because it was just "convenient" us living together, sharing things and being a couple, we got stuck into a rut and didn't notice that the spark died out pretty quickly.

It's very admirable of you to acknowledge that and not try to make excuses for it as many people would. Again, it's not just you experiencing this...many young men and women run into the same problems when they move in together too soon in the relationship. Young men are kind of "hard-wired" to be providers and protectors and young women are similarly "hard-wired" to look for a provider and protector...as a general rule, that is. Of course there are many exceptions.

Posting this on a forum can also be very helpful to others who read it and may use that information later in life to avoid making the same mistake.

 

[Gary7]

Wow... somewhat of a deja-vu experience for me reading this.

I had been dating a girl for almost 2 years; it was a long distance relationship. We lived far enough away to require air travel. We alternated visits and committed to doing it on a regular basis, despite the expense. Well, it was during a time when air travel was cheap and it kind of worked out. The longing we had for each other in between visits just made our reunions all the more passionate. And so, we decided to give the "live together" scenario a try. She moved in with me.

Well, without going into the pesky details, a couple of things went wrong right from the start. It was an omen of what was to come, but I didn't want to see it and neither did she. We both wanted it to work. But after 4 months, we were still cycling through instabilities. This wasn't just normal argument stuff. She had some real problems... I'm 10 years older, had some therapy experience under my belt, and she was stubborn about her professed self-understanding. I thought we could work through them, but eventually I realized it was a dead end. I had to break up with her.

I still felt love for her, for the great qualities I'd come to admire in her. But I'd lost the "in love" feeling... and I just knew it wouldn't come back. We had the talk and then I raised the solution... of breaking up. She agreed. And then she had a break down. I tried to comfort her... we both cried and hugged for a few hours, then she went to sleep in our bed and I crashed on the couch. The next morning she prepared to leave and pack up her car. She didn't want me to help and I understood... I don't think I could have done it anyway. This was the ending of a major hope I'd had 4 months prior, of a relationship that would grow into marriage. And so she left a few hours later, the long drive back home alone in her car.

Her mother called me, and gave me a piece of her mind. A woman who I'd had a great rapport with, someone who I thought I'd be able to call friend in due time. But protecting her daughter from pain was her priority, and I was the deliverer in her mind. She was nasty... I took it. It was all I could do.

Everybody has their own unique reasons for separating a relationship. I don't know if you tried to worth through some issues before reaching the conclusion that a breakup was necessary, or if you kept this to yourself and then couldn't do so anymore. Did you drop a brick on her unexpectedly? If so... then yes, this was an awful thing to do. An old flame is one of the most common excuses for a breakup... what you imagine you might have with the other woman... it's all just fantasy. And hormones. Most of the time when a relationship ends, there's a reason that will still be there if the relationship restarts. The success rate of a reunion is usually quite low. Try to imagine yourself doing this and breaking up with the old flame again... how will you feel about your current girlfriend? Will you be missing her? You'll have to work that out. And maybe it's not too late to "reconsider" what you did... don't let physical attraction be the culprit. Emotional connections are far more valuable than physical. They are what make the relationship. Or... maybe you're just itching to still play the field.

 

[Sean Aaron]

When we moved in together it was after about two months of dating, and we had only met each other a little while before that.

Wow deja vu for me as well, here, only I got married to the woman eight months after moving in together and had a kid. Never did have the real "sparks" of passion, which should have been a clue not to continue. After fifteen years with more than one conversation about calling it quits without follow-through we finally pulled the plug. No regrets because I have a lovely daughter and a new life in Scotland, but it's definitely not something I'm going to do again.

What you've described sounds awful, but it does sound like it's for the best. It'll take time but she'll get over it and you've both learned something about yourselves.

 

[Infern0]

@Gary7

It was kind of unexpected for her, I mean I tried and tried to work through things until I realised it just wasn't going to happen. Of course we had some talks prior to this about where we were going and things like that, she raised the marriage issue and was very angry when I said I wasn't ready for that, then she started getting broody and I had to talk about that too, things were just rushed, and eventually our sex life became non existent, I mean we would occasionally have sex but it was only once or twice a month and when we did it out of need more than desire. The writing was on the wall when you can't really even be bothered having sex anymore and you are both in your mid 20's

She is a great girl, but I get the impression we were supposed to be friends and not lovers, but we didn't have time to realise that until it got far too serious

 

[iguana_tonante]

When we moved in together it was after about two months of dating, and we had only met each other a little while before that.

Yowza.

 

[Kelso]

Sorry you had to deal with this. Sounds like it was for the best.

On the bright side, her family sounds terrible... at least you won't have to deal with them for much longer.

 

[Infern0]

Sorry you had to deal with this. Sounds like it was for the best.

On the bright side, her family sounds terrible... at least you won't have to deal with them for much longer.

They are terrible, they are also unsuportive of her, they are there for her now but they will get bored with her if she hasnt sorted herself out in a week or two. Thats my fear

 

[donners22]

I got engaged after a month of knowing someone, so I'm not going to throw stones at that aspect of it.


It does sound like you did the right thing, though. It actually takes a lot of courage to be the "bad guy" and end a relationship - and the fact that you feel so awful about is a fair indication that you are not a bad person at all.

If it wasn't working for you, and your feelings could be affected by an old flame, it indicates there were pretty serious problems with the relationship already.

The reaction from the family is appalling; I've had something similar, and it's outrageous that people would get involved in something private, when they don't have the full story.

 

[Mr Awe]

Inferno, I just want to say that it sounds like you're handling a very difficult situation in a very mature and compassionate way. I'm sure emotions are still raw but time will heal all wounds.

Mr Awe

 

[Robert Maxwell]

There is not really a good way to break up with anyone, especially if you are living together. Sounds like you did the best you could not to worsen the situation, despite people giving you plenty of opportunity. You shouldn't have had to take all that abuse from her family, but you kept calm and just let them vent. You could have retaliated, you could have just tossed her out onto the street and threw her stuff onto the lawn, but you didn't.

Yeah, it sounds like you got into this too quickly, but a lot of people do that and you can't undo what's done. At least you made an effort to end it with as little drama as possible. Live and learn, hopefully this is a mistake you won't make again.

One of the women I'm seeing recently asked if she could move in with me, and I had to turn her down because she had all the wrong reasons for wanting to do it. It was hard and she is still upset with me but sometimes you have to make those tough decisions even if it hurts.

 

[Shazam!]

she raised the marriage issue and was very angry when I said I wasn't ready for that

Sounds like you dodged a bullet there, mate.

 

[Sean Aaron]

One of the women I'm seeing recently asked if she could move in with me,

"one of?" I sense drama!

 

[Vendikarr]

There is not really a good way to break up with anyone...

My wife at the time and I were having problems, and during an arguement I collapsed with chest pains.

I was in the ICU and my wife tells me she wants a divorce. Much to her disappointment her pronouncement didn't kill me.

As far as bad break ups go, that one is an 11.

 

[Robert Maxwell]

One of the women I'm seeing recently asked if she could move in with me,

"one of?" I sense drama!

Polyamory, bro. Less drama than you would think, but it really depends on the people involved.

There is not really a good way to break up with anyone...

My wife at the time and I were having problems, and during an arguement I collapsed with chest pains.

I was in the ICU and my wife tells me she wants a divorce. Much to her disappointment her pronouncement didn't kill me.

As far as bad break ups go, that one is an 11.

Holy shit, dude. That's Newt Gingrich level douchebaggery. I hope you've developed better taste since then. That's harsh.

 

[Kestra]

No wise words here. Just wanted to say best of luck to you both.