Untitled story of mine

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by admiralelm11, Jan 6, 2017.

  1. admiralelm11

    admiralelm11 Commander Red Shirt

    Jan 17, 2009
    Vancouver, WA
    I've been writing. This is a little untitled story that takes place in 2352, some years before the events in Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's an original story for a character that CAMSPD gave me the name for. Maybe she can use this for her writing? I don't know.

    Anyways, here's the story. Please comment for a writer loves to hear feedback. Thank you.

    Captain’s log; Stardate 56493.3;

    Jeptaali has departed from Roma Station and we have returned to our patrol route close to the Ulysses Corridor. The supplies that we offloaded for the scientific team studying the Daa’Vul Pulsar will allow them to continue their research for the next five months. Our speed is Warp Four and the crew is at Condition Green.

    Captain Tolis deactivated the log recorder in his hands and looked around the bridge of his ship. The Vulcan had commanded the Excelsior class starship for the past two years since he had served as First Officer to Captain Cleghorne aboard the Miranda class light cruiser USS Dionysus. They had been well-spent years with a crew that challenged his logical views and his comfort levels.

    “Captain?,” a female voice called out to him, breaking his reverie.

    Tolis handed the recorder to the yeoman who stood beside his chair. Turning in his chair towards the voice’s owner, his eyes fell upon a young auburn-haired woman in a gold-and-black operations uniform.

    “You have something to report, Lieutenant Kassel?”

    Natalie Kassel turned her head away from her station and looked at him. She had come aboard the Jeptaali, two years ago as a Starfleet Academy graduate. In that time, she had rose in rank and position to become a valued member of the bridge crew.

    “I’m detecting an emergency distress signal from Sawyer, sir. The planetary governor claims that they’re under attack.” She turned back to her instruments and checked them. “I’ve accessed their defensive satellite network.”

    “What is it?”

    The Jeptaali’s first officer, Commander Miquel Padova leaned forward in his chair, frowning. “With the Ulysses Corridor in close vicinity to Cardassian space, it could be a couple of their Galor class cruisers.”

    “There is also the possibility of the Tzenkethi,” Tolis told him.

    “Or renegade Klingons or even the Tzenkethi,” suggested Lieutenant Yavelhaan th’Raan, the Andorian sitting at the helm console beside Lieutenant Kassel. “We’ve also seen pirates in this sector already.”

    “Alter course and increase speed to Warp Five.” The captain rose from his chair, his first officer rising up beside him. “The USS Bluestar reported an Antares class freighter in the region near Hadirya when a convoy of Dyloran trade ships were attacked.”

    “It could be pirates,” Yavel repeated. The blue-skinned alien looked over his console and input new commands. “Estimated time of arrival at Sawyer is forty-five minutes at our current speed.”

    “I agree with Yavel,” Padova said, continuing the conversation about the attackers’ identities. “It could be pirates. It could even be the Orion Syndicate for all we know.”

    “That is why we are changing course to investigate, Commander Padova,” Tolis said, stating the obvious. He turned around to face the joint tactical/security console which was manned by Lieutenant Commander Iridex and Lieutenant Pedro Garcia. “Gentlemen, I trust that our defenses will be adequate?”

    “Phasers and photon torpedoes are ready,” the Denobulan tactical officer reported with a nod of his head. “Shield generators are at one hundred percent.”

    “Security teams standing ready, Captain,” the Latino security chief answered him. “I’m assigning them to the major areas of the ship.”

    “Good work, gentlemen.”

    Tolis returned to his chair and pondered the situation. What could it be?, he asked himself.


    It was hungry.

    Oh so hungry!

    The ship that the creature hit its teeth into tasted so delicious. It nourished its hunger greatly. Even the minds of the crew being absorbed into its superior mind entertained it.

    Many races had a name for it. Being a superiorly intelligent lifeform that drifted through space, seeking substance, it rarely cared enough to learn those names. It had a name for itself but it had forgotten it.

    It only went by one name. A name given to it by a race that had picked it up from another race called the Humans. It was the only name that it remembered anymore. The years had passed so quickly. It barely remembered how old it was.

    It was known as GOLIATH…


    Jeptaali sped out of warp space, and arrived in the star system where Sawyer was located. It was a Federation colony world, settled over fifty years ago by the USS Potemkin. Many of the crew had friends and family there so this race to protect the colonists was personal to them.

    “Coming out of warp on the edge of the system,” reported Lieutenant Th’Raan from the helm. “Engaging impulse drives.”

    “Raise shields,” Padova ordered, the tension thick on the bridge. Unlike the Captain, he was young and this was his first assignment as First Officer of a Federation starship.

    “Aye, Commander.” Iridex raised the shields as the Jeptaali went to Yellow Alert.

    “Scanning,” Kassel reported from ops. “Nothing yet.”

    “Lieutenant Kassel, inform Starfleet Command of our position and our intentions,” Tolis spoke, rising from his command chair. If he was nervous or suffering from any form of tension, he didn’t show it. He walked up between Kassel and th’Raan, a frown on his face.

    “Aye, Captain. I… “The operations paused for a moment before saying,” I would if I could, sir. I’m detecting anti-lepton radiation. It’s jamming our signal!”

    Tolis was about to order red alert when the first salvo struck the ship. He held onto the back of Kassel’s chair to steady himself. On the main viewscreen were two Hideki class fighters. They were firing disruptors at the Jeptaali and their energy strikes impacted against the shields.

    “Return fire,” Tolis ordered,” and hail them!”

    “Firing phasers.” Iridex targeted the alien fighters and squeezed off blasts of the starship’s powerful phaser array. The blasts flew through space and struck the fighters, impacting against their own energy fields.

    “Sensors are detecting a Galor class cruiser approaching from Sawyer, Captain,” Kassel reported.

    “Any response to our hails?”

    “None, sir.”

    Tolis considered his options as quickly as his Vulcan mind could function. Logic suggested that he try to negotiate. However, with the Cardassian warships coming into range to attack his ship, his crew’s safety became a bigger priority for him.

    “Reverse course, Mister th’Raan. Engage at maximum warp.”

    “I’ll try so. Those fighters make maneuvers difficult with the size of their ship versus ours.”

    “Proceed anyways, and begin evasive maneuvers.”

    Padova balked at the Captain’s orders and jumped out of his seat. “Captain, what about Sawyer? There are over a thousand colonists down there!”

    “We cannot do anything for them at the moment, Mister Padova. We must inform Starfleet Command and – “

    “I protest! You’re abandoning them!,” the commander barked at him. “We should – “

    “I am thinking of this ship and crew, Commander. Perhaps you should consider the same options if you ever desire to have a command of your own.”

    “I think that my crew would back me up if I choose to fly in and rescue those people! The Cardassians can -- ”

    Tolis turned towards his First Officer, silencing him with an icy stare. “You are relieved of duty. Please leave the bridge, Mister Padova.”

    Padova growled with displeasure and headed for the nearest turbolift. Tolis watched him disappear behind the doors and understood his reasons. He had considered them during his decision-making process. In the end, he thought he was right.

    Another energy burst struck the ship as it turned away from the fighters.

    “Continue firing, Mister Iridex,” the Captain told him. “Keep them at a distance as we make our escape.”

    “Aye, sir!,” called out the Denobulan tactical officer. The ship shook again but it didn’t feel like a shield impact. “Hull breach on Deck Ten, section 21-alpha!”

    “Evacuate that deck and erect emergency force fields.”

    Another hull impact with disruptors and Iridex shouted out,” Another hull breach on Deck Four, section 3-beta, Captain!”

    “Acknowledged, Commander.” Tolis looked at the Andorian helmsman. “Status report, Mister th’Raan.”

    “We’re at half-impulse, Captain, and I’m trying to get us up to a safe distance to initiate warp but one of those hits struck one of the impulse thrusters.”

    “Engineering to Bridge!,” came the voice of the Jeptaali’s Chief Engineer, a fiery woman named Evelyn Beauchamp. “What the hell are you doing up there, Tolis?! You’re knocking up all around down here like bumper cars and I don’t appreciate it!”

    “Damage report, Commander Beauchamp!,” was shouted back at her. Tolis didn’t have the time to deal with her Human emotions.

    “The port impulse engine is damaged so we’re reduced to half-impulse until we can get the deuterium distribution lines patched up. We’re leaking deuterium down here and who’s going to pay the gas bill?!”

    “Submit all repair plans to Commander Iridex. He is the Acting First Officer.”

    Beauchamp didn’t care about the problems in the ship’s hierarchy. Her concerns were with the ship. “I’m working a miracle down here. I’ll shoot you a report when my hands aren’t busy. Beauchamp out!”

    Another weapons blast struck the Jeptaali near the bridge module and Lieutenant Kassel’s console exploded in front of her. She was sent flying backwards, knocking the captain down at the same time. The explosion affected Yavel, sending him collapsing down onto his right side.

    Natalie Kassel’s dead body was draped over Tolis. The front of her was red and angry from the plasma burns that ended her life. Rising up from underneath her, the Captain’s jade blood splattered from his arm where some debris from the operations console had struck him. He grasped it and rose up to his feet. His eyes looked over the operations officer for a moment, regretting her loss.

    “Yavel,” he said, using the Andorian’s nickname,” report.”

    “I broke my arm but I can still fly, Captain.” Yavel rose up and returned to his seat, his right arm perched against his chest in pain. His left hand moved across his console. “Ready for warp.”


    The Jeptaali jumped to warp, just as the Galor class vessel’s path grew close enough for their disruptors to destroy the Federation starship. Tolis climbed up to his feet and dragged himself into his command chair.

    “Damage report,” he whispered.

    “Engineering and Damage Control are still checking all decks,” Iridex reported.

    “I have security teams assisting Sickbay with moving causalities, Captain,” Security Chief Garcia reported.

    Tolis nodded, tapping his combadge. “Tolis to Sickbay.”

    There was static on the communications channel before someone from Sickbay could answer the bridge summons. It wasn’t Doctor T’Saal like Tolis expected it to be.

    “Sickbay here,” an unfamiliar voice answered. “Doctor T’Saal was killed when the hull was breached on Deck Ten was hit. This is Doctor Katanji.”

    “Then it appears that you have assumed the duties of the Chief Medical Officer, Doctor.”

    “So it seems, sir.”

    Tolis paused for a moment for the doctor to seek his bearings before he asked,” Status report, Doctor Katanji?”

    “We lost fourteen people when the hull breach on Deck Ten occurred, and another six when Deck Four was hit. I’ve got forty-seven injured from broken bones, to radiation and plasma burns. Any problems up there, Captain?”

    “Lieutenant th’Raan and myself were injured, Doctor. We also have a fatality.”

    “I got it, Captain. I’ll send a team up there when I can spare someone.”

    “Acknowledged, Bridge out.” Tolis tapped his combadge to close the channel. While his species didn’t show their emotions, on the time, he was regretting both the loss of his crew, but also the situation that they had flown into. He should have taken better precautions.

    I should have listened to Commander Padova, his thoughts told him.

    “Mister th’Raan?”

    “Yes, Captain?”

    “Call for your relief and report to Sickbay.”

    The Andorian nodded. “Aye, sir.”

    “But first, set a course for Starbase One-Nineteen.”

    “Aye, sir.” A minute passed. “Course calculated and set.”



    I'm still deciding if this story needs more or if this is the end of it. I'm thinking of writing a court-martial or inquiry section. I'll also add more about Goliath, the alien creature that likes starships.
    Galen4 likes this.
  2. CeJay

    CeJay Commodore Commodore

    Feb 5, 2006
    Interesting beginning here with a lot of action and some mystery as well. What is Goliath and what does it have to do with the Cardassian attack on the Sawyer colony? If you plan to pursue this story further, I definitely would suggest some more around this starship-feeding alien and how it fits into this story.

    I don't think I've seen many fanfics with straight-laced Vulcan captains, and while Vulcans usually get a bad reputation for their cold logic, it would be interesting to read more about Tolis' command approach. It would also be interesting to read about the aftermath of these actions in an inquiry that analyzes in more detail if Tolis' actions were justified.
  3. pio1776

    pio1776 Lieutenant Red Shirt

    Jan 9, 2017
    definitely will be watching out for moe.
  4. admiralelm11

    admiralelm11 Commander Red Shirt

    Jan 17, 2009
    Vancouver, WA
    I'll be returning to this soon. I'm currently involved with a new Tattok story for the Star Trek: Beyond the Stars webpage. You can find my past stories here. http://www.stbts.net/
  5. pio1776

    pio1776 Lieutenant Red Shirt

    Jan 9, 2017
    awesome, bookmarked
  6. Galen4

    Galen4 Commander Red Shirt

    Oct 27, 2007
    Sol III, within the universe of United Trek
    This is a great piece. You've managed to create some intriguing concepts like Goliath in a short stretch of time.

    I'm always of course, liking fan fics with Vulcan captains and Excelsior-class starships. Give me that combo and I'm hooked! :)

    I hope you keep going. I also think you're setting this in a time period not frequently covered by other authors, which I find very interesting. I also appears you have a flair for writing battle scenes, which is another plus.

    Looking forward to more!

    Oh, I almost forgot...give it a bloody title already! It deserves one. :)
    pio1776 likes this.
  7. admiralelm11

    admiralelm11 Commander Red Shirt

    Jan 17, 2009
    Vancouver, WA
    I'm still thinking about a title. I've been busy with packing up my things to move in with my fiance and her son. I was thinking about changing the Jeptaali into either a Challenger class or a Renaissance class vessel since it seems that neither class get much love.

    Anyways, thank you for your words of encouragement, Galen4. I will certainly take them to heart as I will with everyone else's advice. Thank you all.
    Galen4 likes this.