Trek Comic Caption Contest #5: Talk to the Hand!!

[F. King Daniel]

Last time on Star Trek: The Comic Caption Contest...

CAROL: "I keep telling you, Jim! You can't reprogram the simulator to cheat on a pregnancy test!"
KIRK: "Watch me!"

"Captain's log, stardate 2844.5. The patented "blankie" technology suggested by Mr. La Forge seems to have been effective. I have remained safe and secure all night, and sensors currently reveal no sign of the boogeyman aboard".

If Deranged Nast , SicOne, and Christopher dont mind:

SISTER MARY: Methinks you meant "entomology," the study of insects!!!!

KIRK: Wow!!! Nuns and rulers sure have changed!!!!!!

(^with an honorable mention to the rest of the "entomology saga")

Y M C A!

You are all...

And now..."Talk to the Hand!!"

 

[Christopher]

CRU. O! swear not by the moon, the inconstant moon,
That monthly changes in her circled orb,
Lest that thy love prove likewise variable.
PIC. What shall I swear by?
CRU. Do not swear at all;
Or, if thou wilt, swear by thy gracious self,
Which is the god of my idolatry,
And I’ll believe thee.

KIRK: I... didn't want to believe it. But it's true! The Enterprise is cheating on me with another captain!
SPOCK: There is the small matter of my fee...

WORF (quietly): Today is a good day to... sneak out and head for an escape pod!

WESLEY: But, Captain, I --
PICARD: No buts, Mr. Crusher, report to sickbay! These muscle spasms and convulsions of yours may become contagious!
WESLEY: You're right, Captain! It's happening to you!
PICARD: Mon dieu! Hand... twisted... Can't lower my arm... Legs becoming stiff...
WESLEY: Being drawn by Pablo Marcos makes my back hurt!

 

[Deranged Nasat]

Thanks for the win !

Crusher: "Arise, creature of the pit! My will is your command!... what the heck?"

Fiend: "YOU SUMMONED ME...?"

Crusher: "I said Hell-derived henchman, not Hair-deprived Frenchman".

Detective Kirk: "By the looks of these photographs, our primary suspects are Armus, the Sheliak, and Hexxus from Ferngully".

Detective Spock: "That's spilt ink, sir".

A battlefleet approaches, charging weapons...

Worf: "No! My fine china!"

Riker: "Forget the china, Worf, it's done for! We need you here!"

Worf (hopping around in uncertainty): "Oooh...oooh....ooh..."

 

[Rat Boy]

Wesley (out of frame): "Wow, Mom, I didn't know you could use the Force."

Crusher: "Unfortunately, I can only stretch necks, not crush them."

Kirk: "What do you make of these, Spock?"

Spock: "That one's a dog, that one's a cat, and that one is two whales humping."

Worf: "Dozens and dozens of alternate Enterprises! Wait, anyone get the feeling we've done this before?"

Wesley: "Captain, everything's out of shape and the chronometer's melting!"

Picard: "We're passing through the Dali Vortex. The effect should subside soon."

 

[Deranged Nasat]

Wesley: "But Picard-bot, you were instructed to clean my room and perform other chores!"

Picard-bot: "Directive overidden"

Wesley: "But I have a homework assignment! I ORDER you to -"

Picard-bot: "Directive overidden"

Wesley: "What the....Who activated the Earl Grey homing beacon?!!"

 

[Deranged Nasat]

Just one more!

Crusher: "Go! And never darken my sickbay again!"

Picard: "All I said was, "Something For Breakfast" isn't quite up to Shakespeare's standard. You have to admit -"

Crusher: "Out!"

 

[ProwlAlpha]

Crusher: There is something I have to tell you...I am pregnant and its if your thinking about that time at Starbase 2, I was extremely drunk and I don't really remember, in fact I visited seven different quarters before I could find yours.

Spock: So, Captain these are the pictures I am sending to the Survivor audition.

Kirk: Why are you sending a topless one?

Riker: If we are there and there and there, but we are still here, even though we are there, how could we be there and there yet still here. WHERE ARE WE??

Worf: Today was the day I stop drinking?

Picard: Wesley, keep up! Now where was I? Oh yeah, now if you keep up that physical routine...Wesley, stop that at once, I told you don't have a hump on your back...anyways, if you keep up on that physical routine I showed you, you could have massive man pecks like me.

 

[Deranged Nasat]

Wesley (out of frame): "Wow, Mom, I didn't know you could use the Force."

Crusher: "Unfortunately, I can only stretch necks, not crush them."

Picard: "Then shouldn't your name be Str -- aaak!"

Crusher: "Quiet, you!"

 

[Nerys Myk]

PICARD: Our next Talent Night performer, Beverly Crusher....

CRUSHER (singing): Stop! In the name of love....

 

[Nerys Myk]

SHATNER: We did it, Len! We've broken into the casting office
and the names, addresses and pictures of every starlet in
Hollywood is at our finger tips!!!!

 

[ncc71877]

Crusher: So, then I was all like, 'there is no way that you are going to say that too me and get away with it'.
And she was all like, 'what are you going to do about it.' And, that is why Nurse Ogawa has a red
Crusher hand mark across her left cheek... and her face.
Picard: Ok, but how is the Romulan we found in the escape pod.
Crusher: Oh, he's fine, and you need a hair cut.

Kirk: Are all of them naked fat women?
Spock: Mostly, and mostly Jewish.

Worf: Motherfucker!

Wesley: So, I was like, 'There is no way you are going to talk to me that way...
Picard: Please Wesley, go away.
Wesley: and he was all like, 'what are you going to do about...
Picard: Go Away. Go Away, Go Away!
Wesley: and thats why Lt. Duffy has a red Crusher hand mark on his right cheek... and his face.

See how it all come back around.
ncc71877

 

[SicOne]

I got nothin'...

KIRK: So...you and T'Pol, courtesy of the Guardian of Forever. I'm surprised she didn't put your eye out with those nipples. And Bones shot these photos? One-handed, too, apparently. Huh. Clearly, pon farr is not to be underestimated.

SPOCK: Indeed.

WORF: LaForge, NOW would be a very good time to turn off that Romulan warbird transponder you were fiddling with over your lunch break down in Engineering!

WESLEY: Can I drive the Enterprise?
PICARD: No. Absolutely not.
WESLEY: But I have my learner's permit!
PICARD: One of these days you'll be old enough to helm a starship. Three years. Be patient.
WESLEY: (sotto voce) By the time I'm old enough for you to let me, you'll be worm food.

 

[Rat Boy]

WESLEY: Can I drive the Enterprise?
PICARD: No. Absolutely not.

Wesley: "But you let Counselor Troi drive!"

Picard: "Because she's female it means it lowers our insurance rates. Besides, not like she's ever hit anything before."

 

[SicOne]

WESLEY: Can I drive the Enterprise?
PICARD: No. Absolutely not.

Wesley: "But you let Counselor Troi drive!"

Picard: "Because she's female it means it lowers our insurance rates. Besides, not like she's ever hit anything before."

Wesley: No, just the friggin' planet in "Generations"...yeah, I know you were busy at the time with Kirk and Soran, but...

 

[Christopher]

I am so sick of that sexist joke about Troi crashing into a planet. She brought the saucer down safely with zero casualties. That's an extraordinary feat that deserves praise.

 

[F. King Daniel]

And then she crashed the Enterprise-E into the Scimitar .

(under orders...I know. Just kidding)

 

[Nerys Myk]

WESLEY: Can I drive the Enterprise?
PICARD: No. Absolutely not.

WESLEY: But I need it for my date tonight!

PICARD: You want the ship to impress a girl????

WESLEY: How else can I get laid?

PICARD: Good point, be back by midnight and with the tank full.

 

[SicOne]

I am so sick of that sexist joke about Troi crashing into a planet. She brought the saucer down safely with zero casualties. That's an extraordinary feat that deserves praise.

I have four daughters. Three are a good distance past driving school age. No accidents. No problems. Ditto for Mrs. SicOne. I have had three, count 'em, one-two-three accidents. State Farm got more money from me than my girls put together, I do believe. Relax, skippy; we were just having a chuckle at Troi's expense.

And I hasten to add that IIRC per the TNG TM, the computer handles the re-entry and slide-out. I'd go to my office and double-check it, but it's not really that important.

As you were.

P.S. Picard DID say, "Our casualties were light."...and that's canon dialogue.

 

[Christopher]

^Then you should know better than to think that ugly, sexist joke is in any way funny. It doesn't matter how you rationalize it based on the movie's details -- it's still an extension of the broader, misogynistic tradition of jokes that insult women's driving ability. I mean, nobody ever jokes about Tom Paris crashing Voyager in "Timeless" or Matt Decker crashing the Constellation into the Doomsday Machine. The only person who gets the "can't drive" jokes directed at them -- and gets constantly inundated with them, in fact -- is a female character. That's not by chance. And it's not fair or funny.

 

[SicOne]

^ Mrs. SicOne, giggling behind me, begs to differ. She enjoyed "Generations". TNG is the only Trek I could ever get her to watch.

Stay thy wrath, son; for what it's worth, I thought Troi did a fine job whenever she had to step outside her comfort zone as ship's counselor. Especially in TNG's "Disaster", I think that episode was called. You know, the one when Picard was stuck in the turbolift with all of those kids.

BTW, Kirk crashed the Constellation into the Doomsday Machine. Decker took a shuttle into it.

And Paris had no helm control at the time Voyager crashed in "Timeless".

Christopher, I am shocked and dismayed. Usually you check your facts before you work yourself into a fine froth, pardner.

Have a nice night.