Contest: ENTER TNG Caption This! #514: Time Capsule

[LeadHead]

Hello and welcome to our new contest!

First up to the plate, we have the "Not Valedictorian" Award, going to Triskelion for:

Worf: Sir, it's Wesley hailing about his Starfleet Academy homework. He wants to know if the Prime Directive applies to civilizations that had warp drive and then stopped using it because every planet out here is full of assholes.
Picard: Beats me! Tell him to call Batanides, that's what I always did!


Next, we have the "Dangerous Materials" Award, going to Nerys Myk for:

DATA: And I've got a pocket full of Kryptonite.


Next, we have the "I hope it's the Alien Ant Farm version" Award, going to JirinPanthosa for:

You've been struck by, a smooth criminal!


Next, we have the "Career Decisions" Award, going to inflatabledalek for:

Sirtis: And if you sign up as a regular on Star Trek you might get plots nearly as interesting as mine!

Forbes: Taxi!


Next, we have the "I Sense Anger in this Caption" Award, going to Smellincoffee for:

Troi: I sense host-
Riker: That's really getting annoying.
Troi: Look, I have one job on this ship. It's STUPID, but I'm gonna DO IT. OKAY?!


Next, we have the "Galaxy-Class games" Award, going to HonorableEnsign for:

For all his giftedness, Wesley sucked at Hide-and-Seek.


Next, we have the "Better Moving With Technology" Award, going to inflatabledalek for:

Geordi: You know we can just bean furniture about?


Next, we have the "Lack of Occupational Health and Safety" Award, going to Triskelion for:

Beverly: How's my favorite patient?
Wesley: I'm not your patient, I'm your son.
Beverly: I was talking to the Lumbar-Destroyer 5000 Console.


Next, we have the "Evil Aliens Infiltrators!" Award, going to Laura Cynthia Chambers for:

Picard: "On this ship, we put our hands over our hearts when the Federation anthem plays."
Riker: "You know, just a thought, sir, but maybe you ought to be less concerned with my defiance than the fact that the "Human" Mr. Crusher touched his stomach area instead."
Alien infiltrator: (thinking) "Blast."


Next, we have the "Facial Hair Analysis" Award, going to Mojochi for:

Wesley: You know... Up close, it's kind of hard to tell where the beard starts & the nose hair stops

The Award goes to Mojochi for:

Captain's Log: Now I know something's amiss. The ship is off balance. Obviously there's one too many command officers on the bridge

KBL #1 goes to CorporalCaptain for:

Worf: Impact in fifteen seconds!

La Forge: Thrusters are still offline!

Picard: Picard to all personnel, lean starboard!


KBL #2 goes to Jedman67 for:

Wesely: "Just a minute mom, I need to finish setting the self-destruct sequence!"

 

[LeadHead]

I know I said that "The Inner Light" deserved a full week for its contest, and it is. For the next couple of months, I'm going to be starting new contests on Mondays.

Enjoy!

Beverly: My mind to your mind...

Picard: Ugh, did you learn how to make soup from Gul Dukat?

Picard: I don't like the name Batai, I think I'll call you Doctor Lucas.

Picard: Nope that's not Sol. That's the Archer system, where people go nuts and almost kill each other.

Picard: Fine, it you let go of me, you can have your own jacket too, Number One.

 

[Finn]

Beverly? Vash? Lwaxana? Who does this hand belong to? Find out who it belongs to, next time on a new steamy episode of Staar Trek; The next generation!

 

[Triskelion]

Riker: A whole lifetime in 20 minutes? What were you speechifying about this time?

 

[Tenacity]

Picard: Nope that's not Sol. That's the Archer system

Woman: "Was it named after someone?"
Picard: "Less said about that the better."

 

[shivkala]

Picard: Softer than an android's bottom.

Picard: It's more than good, it's soup-er!

Picard: Personal Log-I'll show them what's phallic!

Picard: There are some who believe that life here began out there...

Picard: I had the most wonderful dream. And you weren't there, and you weren't there, and you weren't there....

 

[huskers57]

Picard - "I want a lover with a slow hand...."

Kamin - "Did I leave the iron on?"

Kamin - "This one time, at band camp...."

Kamin - "So tell me, Mrs. Gump... is there a Mr. Gump?"

Picard - "Number One, I just regained consciousness... please don't nerve-pinch me..."

 

[JirinPanthosa]

WOMAN: Wow, that is truly the smoothest skin, the closest shave I've ever felt.
PATRICK STEWART: Of course it is. I use...GAH, how many of these commercials are left on my contract again?

PICARD (Thinking): Soup...terrible...must pretend...excellent.....must...savor...don't want to...hurt...feelings...but so...BAD!!!!

MAN: Why are you playing such a strange song?
PICARD: How DARE thee refer to Mozart as strange! Everybody knows all music made in the last 600 years is worthless garbage.

PICARD: Good news everyone! The planet is doomed.
WOMAN: How is that good news?
PICARD: I don't know, it just somehow seemed appropriate to say it.

PICARD: I'm back. What was your name again?
RIKER: ...Commander Riker.
PICARD: Right. And you're...my chief engineer? Blue is for engineering right?
BEVERLY: He can't remember any of us.
PICARD: I have been away for about FIFTY YEARS, how clearly do you remember anything from that long ago? So who are we at war with again? Was it the Klingons?
RIKER: Oh boy.

 

[Tenacity]

Beverly: "We weren't sure you would ever regain consciousness."
Picard: "Well I'm fine ... where's my wallet?"
Riker: "Maybe you should lay back down."
Piard: "Why are you wearing captain's pips?"

 

[Triskelion]

Picard: I dreamed a doughy, aged Commander Riker tried to retcon himself into a present day mission on the Pegasus.
Eline: Poor dear, he's sun-whacky again.

Picard: If I am who you say I am, how would I know about Earl Grey tea, the rules of Cricket, or bowler hats? Eh??
Eline: In these delusions, are you sure you're supposed to be French?

Batai: So when will you be able to afford the other half of your stairs?
Picard: When we start using cash again, I guess.

Eline: So you say getting rid of currency ended economic scarcity and inequality in this Federation?
Picard: That's right. And we still had people who wanted to clean toilets for free, too.
Eline: And the part about getting super rich by selling laundry detergent to millions of hippies?
Picard: It's complicated....
Eline: Keep stargazing with your glaucoma medication.

Riker: Sometimes aliens probe you, and sometimes you probe the aliens. You know what I'm saying?
Picard: I've missed you, Number One.

 

[ironnerd]

Picard: And that, my dear, is why I use a loofah.

Picard: What did you put in this soup? You've gone all blurry, and I can't feel my hands.

Batai: So. Wanna get the band back together.
Picard: The drummer's dead.
Batai: Oh yeah! Huh... remember when he got Eline pregnant?
Picard: That's why he's dead.

Eline: Remember when you used to watch ME through this telescope?
Ricard: Hmm? Oh, yes, of course, Dear. I'll fix it in the morning.

Picard: I've just had the most unusual dream. I was bicycling naked through Grand Rapids, Michigan during the spring solstice, and Vash shot me with a phaser sat to "Funny Feeling". When I came to I was in a Klingon prison surrounded by leather-clad Wesley Crusher clones playing "Oh Susanna" on bagpipes. The guard showed up and escorted me to a small white room where I was given a root canal and a high colonic. That's when my hair started to grow back...

 

[Nerys Myk]

PICARD: This doesn't look like an entertainment center.
ELINE: Maybe you shouldn't shop at IKEA.

 

[Nerys Myk]

BATAI: Figures this would be the only place I get any bars.

 

[LeadHead]

Winners have been added to the first post of this thread!

 

[Laura Cynthia Chambers]

Batai: "Uh, Kamin, can you not do that here? I've been waiting for this call."
Picard: "And you say I remember nothing about our friendship..."

Picard: "You boiled my shoes, didn't you?"
Eline: "Blame the famine. How attached are you to that belt?"

 

[Jedman67]

Picard: "Beverly...are you smiling at me or at Will?"
Riker (whispering): "Damn, he's onto us. We should have killed him when we had the chance!"
Picard: "I'm not deaf, Number One"

 

[Nerys Myk]

RIKER: Come along, granddad. It's time for your pills.
PICARD: I want pudding!
CRUSHER: After the pills, dear.

 

[inflatabledalek]

Thanks for the double win LH! Despite a typo ruining one of the gags.

At last the secret of how Patrick Stewart never ages: Regular gentle slaps.

Picard: This would be the perfect life, but if only you had red hair.

I can call you Betty, and Betty when you call me, you can call me Al. You can call me Al.

Trump's cuts to climate change research were starting to hit hard.

Picard: Dear God, I must have been out for years...Will, you've gotten so old and fat!

Riker: Ten minutes...Sir.

 

[Triskelion]

T4TWs Leadhead! Woo Hoo!

Eline: What's wrong?
Picard: My Alpha BIts just spelled croissant with a "w".

 

[Nerys Myk]

It's Vichyssoise, it's supposed to be cold.