Tired of Waiting?

[FabiusMaximus]

Me too. Let's get this thing started. The few months that I've been here I've come to realize how creative and intellectually gifted the people that post here really are . So, instead of waiting on JJ's version, let's do our own.

This then will be the script for Star Trek as written by us, the TrekBBS. I'll start it off and then you bring your best shot.


EXT. SPACE

Stars. An infinite array. In the bg a tiny speck. It comes closer... We see that it is a small craft -- a shuttle. It is in bad shape as if it has been through hell and back. As it comes closer we see its markings -- it is the Galileo.

CUT TO:

 

[Kegek]

INT. GALILEO

Kirk leans over a typewriter, a cigarette in hand. Spock sits by his side, wearing glasses and shaving.

KIRK
Okay, how does this sound: 'Space: That cosmic void yearning to be penetrated -'

SPOCK
Too Freudian. Conquest of space as male fantasy. It'll never fly, Jim.

KIRK
I tell ya, Spock, one of these days I'll have a slogan that manages to make space sound cool and exclude women...

SPOCK
It's blatantly misogynistic.

KIRK
Yeah? Well, chicks dig misogynists.
(pause)
Hey, why are you shaving your beard? I thought you were into that hippie crap.

SPOCK
You mean rigorous Vulcan philosophy? Infinite diversity in infinite combinations?

KIRK
Exactly. Everywhere in the galaxy there are peacenik hippies. So why the cut?

SPOCK
(rigidly)
I want to be square.

KIRK
Mission accomplished. Hm. 'Frailty, thy name is outer space -'

 

[Woulfe]

Waiting for who ? Godot ?

- W -
* Smirks *

 

[FabiusMaximus]

Narrator (as voiced by Stewie from Family Guy)

At this point in their scintillating conversation lets take a good hard look at Jimbo and Mr. Pointy Ears, shall we? Notice the uniforms. Ahhh, yes, tunics are appropriately sewed into the wrists and those pants -- notice the pants -- especially on that green blooded bastard -- oh, yes, my, my my... what's this? what's this? It seems my peepee has developed rigor mortis... Oh, well, back to the action, I suppose...

Kirk and Spock in the shuttle hear a KNOCKING NOISE. They go to the airlock and open the door...

 

[Lonestar]

...and all get blown out because they're in space


No..not really

 

[Woulfe]

Stardate 200802.26

The crew is getting restless, becasue we found out that we still have 5 more months of duty before we can go on shore leave.

I hope they can hold out a little longer.

I keep hearing plans of mutany whispered behind my back, they wouldn't dare, i'm a good fleet captain, just because we have to probe gas clouds a few more months isn't MY FAULT, it's Starfleet's fault.

I'm thinking of disobaying direct orders from Starfleet and take the ship directly to Wrigly's Pleasure Planet to give the crew a break, I think they need it badly, I've seen a few eat strange things in the messhall.

 

[DeafPoet]

Trek XI as narrated by Morgan Freeman as Spock:

"I didn't much like Jim Kirk when I first laid eyes on him..."

 

[Kegek]

KIRK: Bones, what's with the pale blue makeup, red eye contact lenses, and fish-like ears?

McCOY: Dammit Jim, it's a movie, not a radio play!

SPOCK: Captain, I believe we have taken a turn into the absurdist and avant garde. McCoy symbolises fantastic irrationalism which borders on hallucinogenic insanity, you the weak, pathetic wit of humanity as its sole defence against its own irrelevance in the universe, and I as the self-evident author surrogate by means of my obvious knowlege of all this overlaboured imagery.

KIRK: Nicely done, Spock. Now explain Eraserhead.

SPOCK: David Lynch was bored.

 

[Ah Forgive!]

The Morgan-Freeman-as-Spock narration resumes:

"I wish I could tell you that Jim fought the good fight, and the cadets let him be. I wish I could tell you that - but Starfleet Academy is no fairy-tale world. He never said who did it, but we all knew. Things went on like that for awhile - academy life consists of routine, and then more routine. Every so often, Jim would show up with fresh bruises. The cadets kept at him - sometimes he was able to fight 'em off, sometimes not. And that's how it went for Jim - that was his routine. I do believe those first two years were the worst for him, and I also believe that if things had gone on that way, this place would have got the best of him."

 

[FabiusMaximus]

NARRATOR (As voiced by Stewie from Family Guy)


Cut! Cut! Cut! That’s it? That’s the best you can do? I mean, really, the public is going to fork over ten bucks for that? I thought you people were going to be intellectual… creative… I’ve seen more creativity posted on TrekWeb for God’s sake. Okay, okay… let’s try again. Everyone turn in your scripts to page 36. Yes, yes, I know, its my favorite part as well. Alright then… this should stir your loins.
Action! Action! Lord, please let there be action….

INT. ORION SLAVE GIRLS WHOREHOUSE

SCOTTY, SULU, and CHEKOV materialize in the middle of the orgy….

 

[Ah Forgive!]

SCOTTY: Ach! 'Tis a bonny day for three racial stereotypes!

The trio take their seats at the bar, surveying the assorted alien hookers.

CHEKOV: Hooray! I'm going to get some wagina!

SULU: This does absolutely nothing for me.

SCOTTY: Laddies, wear your space jimmy hats. The first rule of Orion whorehouses is: always protect your wee bairnes!

SULU: Oh, my...

 

[Kegek]

KIRK: Spock, I love you in a totally platonic way.

ORION SLAVEGIRL: My name is -

KIRK: Spock. Just play along with me, okay? Here, put these pointed ears on. And this bowler wig. And this blue shirt. And you need a shaving mark right over there...

ORION SLAVEGIRL: Is this your sex fantasy?

KIRK: No no. It's totally platonic.

ORION SLAVEGIRL: (dubious) A platonic fantasy.

KIRK: (nods) Exactly.

ORION SLAVEGIRL: You do know that the concept of Platonic love originates from an attempt to not read homosexual subtext into the relationship between Socrates and Alcibiades in a Platonic dialogue, and thus 'Platonic love' would properly refer to that which you do not believe it to mean?

KIRK: Logical as always, Mr. Spock.