The TBBS Limerick Thread

[Gryffindorian]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerick_(poetry)

So here are a few I wrote to get us started:

Holiday

I want to go on a vacation
But much to my big trepidation
Although I have money
I ain't got no honey
With whom I could have fornication.

* * *

The Office

A very cool guy named René
He's having a wonderful day
His boss is out sick
"What happened to Dick?"
It's time for an office par-tay!

* * *

The TBBS Limerick

TBBS members are funny
They all like their Admin named Bonnie
They all talk about stuff
Though discussions get rough
The atmosphere's always so sunny!

* * *
Stink

I have a coworker named Rick
He always eats lunch with chopsticks
His cube smells of strong fish
WTF is that dish?
His scrawny ass I'm gonna kick!

* * *
Revolution

There's a new show called Revolution
And I can't get past the illusion
When the power went out
Global chaos throughout?
That concept's just airwave pollution.

* * *

More to come ... What say you?

 

[E-DUB]

There once was a man from Peru,
Whose limmericks stopped at line two.

 

[ngc7293]

(I did this one in 5th grade)
Said the Fly that walked on the Pealing Ceiling,
"I think the Ceiling is Pealing!"
So He went to the floor and said, "this is a bore!"
So he went back to the Pealing Ceiling.

 

[CorporalClegg]

What's with the silly poem threads?

Surely, TBBSers can do better. Perhaps we need a real poetry thread?

 

[Gil T.Azell]

Love a good off color & dirty one
here's a few I found,
There was a young dentist Malone
who had a charming girl patient alone.
But in his depravity
he filled the wrong cavity,
God, how his practice has grown!

There once was a fellow McSweeny
Who spilled some gin on his weenie
Just to be couth
He added vermouth
Then slipped his girlfriend a martini

There once was a Vulcan named Spock
Who tried stroking his monstrous cock
With lust went berserk
And beseeched Captain Kirk,
“Bend over, this shuttle must dock!”




but I'll have to work on mine.

 

[Gryffindorian]

What's with the silly poem threads?

Surely, TBBSers can do better. Perhaps we need a real poetry thread?

Want to start one?

GTA, I like the last one best. It's more characteristic of the bawdy nature of limericks.

 

[NCC-1701-B]

There once was a man named Picard
who once thought he was well 'ard
he felt up a troi
and pretended to be coy
But he looked just like a retard

Eh I'm not good at these

There once was a man named dave
who's pubes could really do with a shave
he showed them to a cop
who gave him the chop
that'll teach him to misbehave

 

[Gryffindorian]

One of my favorite subjects in high school was creative writing, where I had to write haikus, limericks, and short stories.

Here's one I wrote back then.

Dumb Girl

There once was a girl Lorraine
And people thought she had no brain
They teased her real bad
And she just got mad
She killed all her neighbors in Maine.

 

[Tiberius]

There once was a man from Peru,
Whose limmericks stopped at line two.

There once was a man from the sticks
Who liked to compose limericks.
But he failed at the sport
As he wrote them too short.

And a Trek themed one...

There once was a captain named Kirk
Who flew around wearing a smirk.
A Klingon named Kang
Fired disrupters and BANG!
Now the galaxy's rid of that jerk!

 

[E-DUB]

There once was a man from Verdun.

 

[Gryffindorian]

Good ones. It's refreshing to see Star Trek-related limericks, though I'd love to read something related to your everyday life. Here's a few more.

John

My good friend, his name is John
And he lives just like a don
Out to rest'rants he dines
Sipping fancy French wines
Well, soon his money is gone.

Madge

A talkative friend of mine
To chat she's always inclined
Sharing stuff 'bout her life
All the joys and the strife
You'd say, "That's assinine!"

J.D.

Got called in for jury duty
I don't mean to sound so snooty
'Tis a criminal case
What an act of disgrace
I'd rather watch Howdy Doody.

 

[Gaith]

Here's one I wrote back in '08:

There is a right-winger named Palin
Whose thoughts tend to leap off a railin'.
Fox News takes great pains
To make it seem she has brains,
But, it has to be said: they are failin'.

​

And one about modern life in general, from the same time:

Pa says my Facebook predilection
Has nigh on become an addiction.
He says status updates
Dominate my days
And my list of "friends" borders on fiction.

​

And here's two created for this very post:

There's a VP wannabe named Ryan
Who's got quite a passion for lyin'
The press says that he'll be
The future of his party:
A GOP that looks to be dyin'.


There's a POTUS hopeful named Mitt
Who is really a bit of a twit
But I've heard he'll improve
With his latest bold move:
He's bought a "Non-Creepy Laugh Kit".
​

 

[Gryffindorian]

Fitness Club

I used to work out at the gym
My visits would soon become grim
Dirty lockers and showers
Man, the smell overpowers!
'Twas not a good place to get slim.

 

[TorontoTrekker]

Because this is Miscellaneous, I'm going to put my contribution behind spoiler tags due to profanity:

Spoiler: Limerick

A mathemetician named Paul
Has a hexagonal ball
The square of it's weight
Times his pecker's, plus eight
Is four-fifths of five-eights of fuck all.

There once was a man from Verdun.

Do you know the one about Nero?

 

[RJDiogenes]

A young lady hailing from Luxembourg
Googled bodymodification.org
She got a facial tattoo
And genital piercings times two
And now she looks more like a Borg

 

[CorporalCaptain]

There was a young lady from Venus
Whose body was shaped like a

[yt]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D1n9fS7fcog[/yt]

Sadly, we'll never know what he was going to say, though perhaps it was something like what's in this thread:

There once was a lady from Venus
Who's body was shaped like a penis
When First Contact was made
The crew were dismayed
When she told them her species and genus

Brilliant.

 

[E-DUB]

There once was a man from Iraq
Who put mandolin strings in his jock
With his erections,
He'd play you selections
From Beethoven, Mozart and Bach.

 

[Gaith]

Here are my all-time favorite limericks.

Spoiler: Naughty Ones

There was a young girl of Aberystwyth
Who took grain to the mill to make grist with.
The miller's son, Jack,
Laid her on her back,
And united the organs they pissed with.



There was a young man of Devizes
Whose balls were of different sizes:
The one that was small
Was no use at all,
But the larger one won several prizes.



There was a brave girl of Connecticut
Who signalled the train with her pecticut.
Which the papers defined
As presence of mind,
But deplorable absence of ecticut.



There was a young fellow of Lyme
Who lived with three wives at one time.
When asked: “why the third?”
He replied: “one's absurd;
And bigamy, sir, is a crime.”



There was a young hooker from Drewe
Who filled up her pussy with glue.
She said with a grin:
“They pay to get in;
Now they'll pay to get out of it, too.”



There is an envoy to Hong Kong
Who has a thing that is twelve inches long.
He thinks that the waiters
Are admiring his gaiters
When he goes to the john – but he's wrong.



There was a young lady of Trent,
Who said that she knew what it meant
When men asked her to dine
With cocktails and wine;
She knew what it meant – but she went.



On the chest of a barmaid in Sale
Were tattooed the prices of ale.
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Was the same information, in Braille.



There was a young lady from Pecking
Who indulged in a agreat deal of necking.
Which seemed such a waste,
Since she claimed to be chaste –
This statement, however, needs checking.



A wanton young lady of Wimley
Reproached for not acting primly,
Answered: “Heavens above!
I know sex isn't love,
But it's such an attractive fascimile.”



Said a woman to her typist friend Eve,
“Your boss is too good to believe.
You can't type, you can't spell.
Why's he pay you so well?”
Came the answer: “I cannot conceive.”



A youthful Rhodes Scholar named Fred
Was a witty companion in bed.
With the keenest of zest
He would toss off each jest.
“I am standing for Congress,” he said.


It occurred when she crossed the Atlantic,
But the screw made young Mamie half frantic.
It wasn't losing her cherry
That upset her – not very;
But the W.C. of a plane's not romantic.



It seems I impregnated Marge,
So I do rather feel, by and large,
Some dough should be tendered
For services rendered,
But I can't quite decide what to charge.



There was a young lady from Kent
Who gave up her husband for Lent.
The night before Easter,
When Jesus released her,
It didn't make a damned bit of difference
because in the meantime he'd been running
around with a whole lot of other women.


To his wife said the lynx-eyed detective:
“Can it be that my eyesight's defective?
Has your west tit the least bit
The best of your east tit,
Or is it a trick of perspective?”


There was a young fellow named Menzies
Who kissing sent girls into frenzies.
But a virgin one night
Crossed her legs in a fright,
And fractured his bifocal lenses.

Spoiler: others

An epicure, dining at Crewe,
Found a rather large mouse in his stew:
Said the waiter, “don't shout,
Or wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too.”



A bottle of perfume that Willie sent
Was highly displeasing to Millicent;
Her thanks were so cold,
That they quarreled, I'm told,
Over that silly scent Willie sent Millicent.



God's plan made a hopeful beginning,
But Man spoilt his chances by sinning.
We trust that the story
Will end in God's glory,
But for now, the other side's winning.



There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said: “I demand to be feared.
Address Me as God,
And love Me, you sod!”
And Man did just that – which was weird.



Here's one that's especially funny knowing that, until recently, French Chunnel passengers from Paris arrived at London's Waterloo train station:

Said Wellington, “what's the location
Of this battle I've won for the nation?
They replied “Waterloo”;
He said: “That'll do:
What a glorious name for a station.”

And here's a historical one for the whole family to enjoy!:

There was an old bastard named Lenin
Who did two or three million men in.
That's a lot to have done in,
But where he did one in,
That old bastard Stalin did ten in.​