T’Pol: “Captain, I sense that you’ve recently attempted sexual relations (sniff-sniff) with a Jhnarbi female in the third stage of her budding season. This involved the use of (sniff-sniff) key lime-flavoured lubricant and a penis extension made of cyber-silicone. Unfortunately (sniff-sniff) your lover was in the process of changing sex from female to male. Thus unsatisfied by the encounter (sniff-sniff) you relieved yourself by masturbating (sniff-sniff) in the shuttlepod (sniff-sniff) by means of the vacuum toilet (sniff-sniff) and a rubber barf bag.”
Beautiful Deltan Ambassador: “Greetings Captain Archer. I am Ly Wyth-eny-One, designated First Lovemaker to your species. According to the traditions of my people, I shall beat you off instead of beating you up.”
Ly Wyth-eny-One: “I inflict you with the Curse of Delta IV. For now and for generations to come, all male captains in Starfleet will be bald and horny just like us.”
T’Pol: “All right, which one of you put this camera in the decontamination chamber?”
Mayweather: “I DEMAND…THE RIGHT…TO SPEAK!”
Archer: “When I was in my early twenties on a trip to East Africa I saw a gazelle giving birth. Within minutes the baby was standing up on its own. A few more minutes and it was walking and before I knew it, it was being stuffed down the throat of a hungry lion. The moral of this story is that shit happens, and Ambassador Pointy had better get used to it!”
Hoshi: “What do they mean by ‘All your base are belong to us?’”
T’Pol: “Humans lack the mental discipline necessary for the confines of space travel. As a telepath I do not enjoy being the subject of 82 wet dreams every night.”
Archer: “What do you want Daniels, you Temporal Cold Whore?”
Daniels: “Captain, if you recruit Starfleet’s first homosexual crew member, it will create a temporal anomaly that will destroy hundreds of years of continuity!”
Spokesman for the first Federation conference: “I’m sure you all wish to acknowledge the man responsible for ensuring that your diplomatic, defense, ethical, and exploration policies are dictated by humans for centuries: Jonathan Archer!”
Alien delegates: “BEAT THE BASTARD UP!”
T’Pol to Corporal Amanda Cole: “I challenge you in the ancient tradition of kal-if-fee. We will battle each other, stark naked in a vat of green jelly!”
Hoshi: “They are a race of beautiful lesbians who can only communicate through sexual intercourse.”
Phlox: “What have you done with Archer’s brain?! And what has he been using to think with for the past five years?”
T’Pol: “Captain, the teleport appears to have swopped our clothes.”
Archer: “Shhh! For God’s sake keep your voice down!”
T’Pol: “I am, Captain. You also have my ears.”
Reed: “What do you mean, we’ve got to wear red shirts? You might as well paint a target on the back of every security officer!”
Phlox: “But eels have been used to treat your species since the Middle Ages!”
Archer: “Could you move a bit to the left, T’Pol? The weight of your breasts is throwing out the artificial gravity.”
T’Pol: “I merely ingest carefully-controlled doses of Trellium in order to get close to certain members of the crew.”
Phlox: “Why, does it free your emotions?”
T’Pol: “No, it cuts off my sense of smell.”
Daniels: “You don’t understand. History has been changed! This fifth season was never supposed to exist!”
Archer: “Every Vulcan I’ve met has shown arrogance, aggravation, anger or annoyance. So just let me know when you’re ready to move on to B.”
Phlox: “I was just purging my alimentary canal, Captain. Denobulans must do this twice a month to prevent a build-up of rectal fluids.”
Hoshi: “ENGLISH, MOTHERFUCKER! DO...YOU...SPEAK...IT?”
Archer: “Set course for Risa. I want to fuck.”
T’Pol: “Kindly stop talking to my chest.”
Reed: “T’Pol has a nice bum. I’d love to bend her over a console and bugger her.”
Phlox: “Do be careful, Captain. My pet Tekarian Fang Beetle can consume ten times its weight in pubic hair.”
Beautiful Deltan Ambassador: “Greetings Captain Archer. I am Ly Wyth-eny-One, designated First Lovemaker to your species. According to the traditions of my people, I shall beat you off instead of beating you up.”
Ly Wyth-eny-One: “I inflict you with the Curse of Delta IV. For now and for generations to come, all male captains in Starfleet will be bald and horny just like us.”
T’Pol: “All right, which one of you put this camera in the decontamination chamber?”
Mayweather: “I DEMAND…THE RIGHT…TO SPEAK!”
Archer: “When I was in my early twenties on a trip to East Africa I saw a gazelle giving birth. Within minutes the baby was standing up on its own. A few more minutes and it was walking and before I knew it, it was being stuffed down the throat of a hungry lion. The moral of this story is that shit happens, and Ambassador Pointy had better get used to it!”
Hoshi: “What do they mean by ‘All your base are belong to us?’”
T’Pol: “Humans lack the mental discipline necessary for the confines of space travel. As a telepath I do not enjoy being the subject of 82 wet dreams every night.”
Archer: “What do you want Daniels, you Temporal Cold Whore?”
Daniels: “Captain, if you recruit Starfleet’s first homosexual crew member, it will create a temporal anomaly that will destroy hundreds of years of continuity!”
Spokesman for the first Federation conference: “I’m sure you all wish to acknowledge the man responsible for ensuring that your diplomatic, defense, ethical, and exploration policies are dictated by humans for centuries: Jonathan Archer!”
Alien delegates: “BEAT THE BASTARD UP!”
T’Pol to Corporal Amanda Cole: “I challenge you in the ancient tradition of kal-if-fee. We will battle each other, stark naked in a vat of green jelly!”
Hoshi: “They are a race of beautiful lesbians who can only communicate through sexual intercourse.”
Phlox: “What have you done with Archer’s brain?! And what has he been using to think with for the past five years?”
T’Pol: “Captain, the teleport appears to have swopped our clothes.”
Archer: “Shhh! For God’s sake keep your voice down!”
T’Pol: “I am, Captain. You also have my ears.”
Reed: “What do you mean, we’ve got to wear red shirts? You might as well paint a target on the back of every security officer!”
Phlox: “But eels have been used to treat your species since the Middle Ages!”
Archer: “Could you move a bit to the left, T’Pol? The weight of your breasts is throwing out the artificial gravity.”
T’Pol: “I merely ingest carefully-controlled doses of Trellium in order to get close to certain members of the crew.”
Phlox: “Why, does it free your emotions?”
T’Pol: “No, it cuts off my sense of smell.”
Daniels: “You don’t understand. History has been changed! This fifth season was never supposed to exist!”
Archer: “Every Vulcan I’ve met has shown arrogance, aggravation, anger or annoyance. So just let me know when you’re ready to move on to B.”
Phlox: “I was just purging my alimentary canal, Captain. Denobulans must do this twice a month to prevent a build-up of rectal fluids.”
Hoshi: “ENGLISH, MOTHERFUCKER! DO...YOU...SPEAK...IT?”
Archer: “Set course for Risa. I want to fuck.”
T’Pol: “Kindly stop talking to my chest.”
Reed: “T’Pol has a nice bum. I’d love to bend her over a console and bugger her.”
Phlox: “Do be careful, Captain. My pet Tekarian Fang Beetle can consume ten times its weight in pubic hair.”
