The best lead paragraph on a news story ever

[23skidoo]

I've been in the newspaper business for close to 20 years now. I've written about 15,000 stories. Have read many times more. This story could have my favorite lead paragraph of all time:

http://www.theprovince.com/life/strippers+ruffles+feathers+Whistler/2491024/story.html

Sometimes reporters get hit with lightning, and this was one of those cases. Even better - scroll down to the 5th paragraph and the follow-up reference to the chicken.

I mean, there's a movie plot right there for the taking. Or at least a skit on Robot Chicken.

Note the photo used is slightly not safe for work, but this is a newspaper website so that shouldn't be a problem.

The only other lead paragraph that made me laugh more than this was actually from a short story - Joe Lonsdale's original Bubba Ho-Tep short story, which I won't repeat here as this is a family website.

So, can anyone recall any other newspaper or magazine leads that made you sit up and laugh or go WTF?

Alex

 

[Servo]

I remember a headline I saw (I think on the BBC website, but I could be wrong) during the height of the Bird Flu scare. It was for a story about one or more cases of the disease in Turkey. The headline simply read... Turkey Diagnoses Bird Flu.

Made me chuckle.

 

[Zulu Romeo]

My favourite, from Malaga's The Town Crier, is still "Man Shot in Los Boliches."

 

[23skidoo]

I remember once working as a proofreader for a newspaper and I managed to stop this little goodie from getting into print: "Consumers get cans burned buying wet firewood".

Well, at 11:30 p.m. a lot of things become funny that might not be so at 2:30 p.m.!

Alex

 

[HappyDayRiot]

Not quite a headline, but yesterday Sky News showed footage of that house collapsing (I forget where it was exactly) with the 'Coming Up' banner in place. I was on the verge of tears.

 

[Christopher]

Fun with silly euphemisms:

"Under the bylaw, exotic dancing is defined as an act in which the pubic area, genitals, nipples or areola of the person on stage is exposed to the audience."

Considering that everyone in the world has those, in what way exactly does it qualify as "exotic?"

And a possible loophole: does the bylaw actually specify "nipples," plural, in its phrasing? Does that mean a dancer could get away with showing just one nipple?

 

[Lindley]

A few days ago I woke up to here someone on the radio saying that "Congress wants to regulate Fracking."

http://findingulysses.com/2009/06/10/congress-introduces-anti-fracking-legislation/

 

[Brikar99]

I remember once working as a proofreader for a newspaper and I managed to stop this little goodie from getting into print: "Consumers get cans burned buying wet firewood".

Well, at 11:30 p.m. a lot of things become funny that might not be so at 2:30 p.m.!

Alex

I once tried to get the headline "Local man rocks out with his cock out" INTO the paper.

 

[Ruaidhri]

Somewhere I have a newspaper clipping with a headline that reads:

"THE SEMEN HAS SPOKEN"

It refers to DNA evidence in a rape trial. If I can find it I'll take a snap of it and post it. Definitely catches the eye.

 

[PKTrekGirl]

I liked the TV headline after Katrina. Shot of Bush babbling in the background about how wonderfully the administration was handling the thing, and the news banner at the bottom of the screen said:

BUSH: WORST DISASTER IN US HISTORY

Truer words were never spoken.

That, my friends, is a classic TV moment.

 

[Vendikarr]

Fun with silly euphemisms:

"Under the bylaw, exotic dancing is defined as an act in which the pubic area, genitals, nipples or areola of the person on stage is exposed to the audience."

Considering that everyone in the world has those, in what way exactly does it qualify as "exotic?"

And a possible loophole: does the bylaw actually specify "nipples," plural, in its phrasing? Does that mean a dancer could get away with showing just one nipple?

It does mention areola in its singular. You do have to get past the areola to get to the nipple. Loophole closed.

 

[Kirks_Flying_Wig]

Let's not forget the Peterborough Evening Telegraph's recent contribution to serious journalism:

MPs call for jobs blow to be reversed

 

[Kira's Mom]

I liked the TV headline after Katrina. Shot of Bush babbling in the background about how wonderfully the administration was handling the thing, and the news banner at the bottom of the screen said:

BUSH: WORST DISASTER IN US HISTORY

Truer words were never spoken.

That, my friends, is a classic TV moment.

< was my avatar for about a month after Katrina.

My favorite headline of all time came in 1991: Bush, Congress Butt Heads. I don't remember the paper it came from, but it made it onto Jay Leno's Headlines.