Terminator: Robot's Worst Friend.

[Guy Gardener]

Part 18.

Frank woke up to a world of pain, and had no idea how he got there.

“OW! OW! OW! What the heck is...” Frank looks down, past the chains suspending him from the ceiling, to see a god damned beautiful woman, with blood smeared across her face, and that his pinky finger is missing, and chortling blood. “Arrrrgh! What are you doing!??? My hand!? My Hand! My bloody hand!!”

Seriously, the Visitor Interrogation Suite is starting to look like a 3d Jackson Pollock installation.

“You are delicious. I could eat you all up.” Lydia almost nearly master of this world, about to consume this squealing jackass whole, sets terms “You have nine more fingers. Every time you fail to answer a question, you’re going to lose another digit. Do you understand me Human?”

“Mommy! Mommy! Ah... I’ll never talk! What? No? Who are You? All you’ll get from me is my name, rank, and serial number.” She starts unfastening his shirt buttons. He’s swinging a little, like a slab of beef on a hook at a butchery, which isn’t at all far from the truth.

“You’ve been experimenting on Apes.” It’s a British accent she speaks with, how weird that there’s another Britain in space? “They seem almost as smart as you are, but so much harder to kill and gamey to the pallet. We’ve been planning this invasion for almost 5 decades, and then out of nowhere your inedible cousin’s develop sapience and block the square. You did something to them. Explain the procedure or I’m going to rip this hairy nipple right off.”

“Please, ow, ow.. Yes, yes, anything!” Frank is squirming. Trapped by a crazy person and there’s no way out even if he’s the largest weasel in the universe. “Meth and steroids. But you got to give it to them when they are babies, and directly into the brain, so that the intellectual deformities are massive and permanent. Do you have a black board? I can draw you a diagram. Please, I’m a surgeon, I need my hands.”

“Who’s a good little puppy?” She unzips his fatigues.

“I am?”The lack of blood is making Frank dopey. Endorphins are masking the unbelievable pain, but the blood loss is going to kill him soon, or sooner if he keeps losing fingers to this woman’s insatiability.

“Yes you are, yes you are.” She pulls his shorts down.”I do prefer lamb, but every now and then there’s nothing like a good cut of mutton.”

“What are you doing! I’m a married man!”

“Last chance. Where are you breeding your super Apes?” She threatens the thing he makes babies with, with rows and rows of needle snaggle teeth, all too much like a shattered mirror, but not so different from most Brits either.

“ARRRGGG! What are you!? What are you?!!”

Lydia unhinges her jaw. “Where are you making the monkeys?”

“Well... I’m not feeling so goo.... Fantasy Island! You need to go to Fantasy Island!”

“Thank you Colonel Burns, you have been wonderfully helpful.”

 

[Bynar0110]

I enjoyed reading this.

 

[Guy Gardener]

Part 19.

Camp David.

The Aliens can’t be trusted. The president has finally decided to target their ships with tactical nuclear weapons, loss of human life so far has been incalculable but the Joint chief of staff is being a pussy.

“Do it, General.” Orders the intense Leader of the free word, acutely aware of how little free world there is left now.

“You're insane. I won't.” The bald General reproaches. Whatever threat these Martians pose, if we unload all our missiles at The Visitor Mother ships and Cylon Base Stars, MAD falls apart and Russian Tanks will roll on Washington within the week. Defeating the alien threat is suicide.

Invaders from space come to wipe the planet, clean, the choice is simple. “Do it! You'll go down in history with me!”

“As what? The world's greatest mass murderers?” He doesn’t know if a nuke will even hurt their ships, but the General knows that a dozen ships are hovering above or near major American cities, and they are going to eat a lot of fall out, even if the aliens don’t have counter measures, or decide to respond in kind and ramp up their own extermination plans.

“You cowardly bastard! You're not the voice of the people! The people speak through me! It came to me while I slept-- my destiny I must get up now and I fulfil my destiny! Put your hand on that, or I'll hack it off! Do it!” The palm reading technology used to look so advanced, before the Visitors.

The General acquiesces to his superior who seems “this” close to cutting his hand off and taking it “May God forgive me.”

“Congratulations, General.” No more resistance, all in the world is good again. Man is supreme, under god.

A word from Sonny “Complete the sequence, Mr. President.”

“My destiny. Thank you, Sonny.”

Giddy President Stilson skips to the front door of his bungalow, where soldiers are hemming all the kings men and all the kings horses “Let them come up.”

Members of the cabinet believe that they have achieved piece in our time after talking to Lydia and the Cylon’s imperious Leader. “ Mr. President, we have a diplomatic solution.”

“Mr. Vice President, Mr. Secretary, the missiles are flying. Hallelujah. Hallelujah.”

 

[Guy Gardener]

Part 20.

Tunnel World was under siege by radioactive refugees. Father had taken in Thousands of New Yorkers, complaining about the lack of TV, but that was before radioactive rain had turned the 5 million people still technically alive above, into leaking vats of poison way too dangerous to maybe the last cluster of un-deformed human beings on a dying planet. Barricades were created, and tunnels were flooded, but there was no choice on the actual exits and entrances which were in use, but to use armed guards who will shoot to kill the radioactive monsters trying to breach the safe zone of Tunnel World, the last great sanctuary of human civilization, and Vincent.

 

[Guy Gardener]

Part 21.

Ebony and Ivory, two men held hands, certain that what they were about to do together, was going to change the world for the better. They ran ahead three paces and lept skywards towards dozens of mushroom clouds that were targeting Mother ships and base Stars ineffectively. Believe it or not they are flying on air, who could it be, believe it or not it’s just Walt and Ralph, the magnificent super flying buddies. Without even one tumble, they landed on the inner hull of a Cylon Base Star, that was launching fighters, who were zipping past these flying buddies at unbelievable speed, but those raiders would have to go around the block, and then shoot at their own landing carrier to get a bean on Walt the Ralph the magnificent super flying buddies. All the confidence Ralph needed to make it as a world class aerialist was the support of a strong sexy black man nurturing him with interlacing fingers.

“What do I do now?” Ralph asks the alien Adonis.

“Tell it to crash!” They were both screaming because of the wind, and blaster fire. Lasers are loud as fuck.

“I was never clear on what you meant by that Walt, how exactly do I make it crash?”

“The computer in your suit, is stronger than the mainframe running this ship.”

“But I don’t have a computer in my suit?” Ralph waves his arms around to prove that he does not have an Apple Lisa in a back pack under his cape.

“Your. Suit. Is. A. Computer.”

“Sorry? I just don’t get your meaning Walt.”

“Crouch down, touch the deck and say the word “Crash”!”

Ralph couched down, touched the deck and said the word “Crash!”

 

[Guy Gardener]

Part 22.

Baltar’s stateroom aboard the base star was lavish. The bed was occupied by two otherworldly fornicators making a mess that would make any Earth maid quit, and go back to community college. His entire head was inside Lydia’s mouth, his ears were creeping into her throat, and she was sucking off the marrow and sinew from his chrome and microchips. A fair exchange, penetration for mastication. Their ship rocked, the engines bunked off, Lydia and Baltar could feel real gravity and g force, the ship was in free fall. Something was terribly wrong.

 

[Guy Gardener]

Part 23

In the wake of Marks earthly departure, Dr. Elizabeth Merril had made an even more fantastic acquaintance than a Man from Atlantis: the Amazing Captain Nemo. Together they returned to the Visitor Pumping station that was hourly massdriving hundreds of tons of gravity reduced bricks of ice into orbit for collection, to blow it the hell up because all the fishes might have nowhere to swim soon. The Nautilus and the Cetacean launched dozens of atomic torpedoes to blow up the installation that in every way a definitive doomsday machine. The massive underwater mushroom cloud hit the surface, and capsized the Love Boat. All hands and passengers perished as either the hull of the love boat was shattered into a thousand tons of swiftly moving love shrapnel, or if any one made it over the railing into the drink, all nearby sea was a radioactive soup that boiled the love refugees alive in seconds. This was a special episode of the Love Boat where Tony Danza played 4 different roles, and only one of which was in black face. All the Tony Danza’s died first before anyone else.

 

[Guy Gardener]

Part 24.

“There can only be one!”

That Gorilla Highlander loses his head, browning out every AM radio and Pepsi dispenser inside of half a mile.

The Kurgan wins the Prize.

 

[Guy Gardener]

Part 25.

Cursor was laying track steeper an steeper and steeper, crazy unsafe steep, up into the sky, goodness knows how the little guy is building this megastructure all by himself, so quickly, but not far behind the little sparkle dude, the Auto Train was gaining on him. 900 mph and climbing a ramp that will launch the two thousand tons of carriages into the night sky and THROUGH its target like a pimento threading an olive. A hundred and 80 trucks and a very powerful engine propelling itself into the dusk to stake a Cylon Base star... But alas, that was the moment that Ralph turned the antigravity repulsors off, where the ship fell to earth, bollocksing Automan’s trajectory estimates, so the Train sails straight over the falling Base Star.

 

[Guy Gardener]

Part 26.

The limit of their Omni’s time circuits is 1980, which is where Ziggy told Jeffery and Bogg to await further instructions. That was almost 6 years ago. Jeffery considered rejoining his aunt and uncle, to resume his life, but look at him, that life was nearly 10 relative years ago, if they didn’t want to love a cute mop haired 12 year old, they would have no hesitation with putting Jeff, pushing 25, on the street, because he ain’t their problem anymore, and they didn’t have to pay for his college education either, which Jeffrey half remembered his parents had already prepaid for with a bequeathment in their will. Are they stealing from him? Speaking of Stealing, Bogg threw himself at an opportunity to route a dirty bank robber they came across by complete accident, but when the bank robber started rambling about robots from the future, Bogg flattened him, put the man over his shoulder, claimed to be law enforcement, and took the clearly, from the smell of him, homeless man to a bar three doors down.

A Gorilla was mixing drinks behind the bar and pulling a tap of cold miller light.

How can the health Department be fine with this?

A small round table, three chairs, Kyle was unconscious, Bogg plops him into a seated position cocks his this head back, opens the tech com specialist’s mouth and pours most of a cold one straight into his liver. Kyle wakes up gagging “What the FUCK are you doing!? Are you trying to kill me?”

Jeff torts “If we wanted to kill you,. We would have just rolled you into traffic, when you were still out of it. This is us helping. Trust me, we are your best friends.”

Bogg gets down to business “Are you a Voyager?”

President Stillson’s nuclear Strike on the Visitors and Cylons begins, and the bedrock of New York cracks.

“Holy shit! Judgement Day! It’s too soon man, too soon, I don’t know what the hell is wrong with history but... Is that a monkey?"

 

[Guy Gardener]

Part 27.

Before things got so complicated, the Visitors had a plan to blame “scientists” for everything already wrong with the world and everything they were doing to the world. Sheer elegance in its simplicity, blaming the one class of humans most likely to develop anything that might repel this indomitable invasion. They were so young. Simpler times. Scientists were rounded up, before they were blamed for anything, so that the show trials could be scripted and the death camps would look efficient... It was a lot of meat, and the Visitors have just ran from a world in the dying throngs of a famine, so how could they be expected not to have a feast, actually specifically it was a “luau”. Naturalists did not cook their meat, but the human tradition was catching on with the young, when on Earth, eat as the Earthers do. Because of how the “Meat” was contaminated, with Gama Radiation the Visitors who attended that Luau where doing something else that humans do. There were growing 16 sizes, bursting out of their red overalls and super visitorially rampaging across the ship whenever they felt stress, which was happening a lot since the Cylons returned.

A giant hulked out Visitor punched Walter out of Automan.

Walter flat on his ass exclaims “Well that’s never happened before!”

 

[publiusr]

Not enough crossovers

 

[Guy Gardener]

Part 28.

Dr. Billy Hayes toggles the boot sequence for the Neutron Beam, and clear burns a weeping cavity pissing out aliens and a radioactive fuel flume through a mother ship, that’s definitely going to cause birth deformities in every critter on the planet because the neutron beam also evaporated a billion cubic tons of ozone. Destroying the alien fleets, is probably going to make the Earth completely nonviable. It’s an incredibly dumb weapon, but at this point, where Russia has Launched its missiles at the two hostile fleets, hovering above dozens of heavily populated American cities, the US is toast in few hours or less regardless of whether the aliens live or die.

 

[Guy Gardener]

Part 29.

Imperious Leader was having another righteous bad hair day. The humans were awkwardly launching crude missiles impotently at his Base Stars, frakking embarrassing, missiles and a train? A train? No seriously, what the frakk? It was hardly the time to inevitably betray the Visitors, they’ll be boiled down for lubricant soon enough, their original sin can never, never be forgiven, but the game was hardly close to being over, if one has to be worried about flung locomotives, which is when Imperious Leader fell off his 25 foot tall pedestal, because the ship went into free fall. This happened a lot, the floors to the throne room were made from vulcanized rubber. Imperious leader usually bounced because Imperious Leader was also Impervious Leader. No big. Nothing he couldn’t walk away from normally, if there was regular gravity, but the ship was tumbling and spinning, so he splat into the ceiling which was pure carving steel, and got his butt tangled up in a chandelier, and then thrashed about like a panicking lunatic.

A clamour of centurions rush in with step ladders to help down from its unnecessary suspension, the super intellect who guards their inevitable dominion over the universe, when finally after 2 weeks of a pure genius Brute force attack, Richie and Ralf hacked the Imperious Leader, bringing the alien menace to its knees, in an unintentional makeshift trapeze, all your bases belong to me! “I surrender! I surrender! Humans rule!” The mouth of Imperious Leader parrots the words of a nerd 11th grader thousands of miles away via an infant dial up internet, who is positive that if he saves the world while there is still a world worth living in, that Alice is going to kiss him. “Hey, my silver buddies, I’m really super sincere about this surrender you totally want to help me out with... How do I get the word out? Earth for the Earthlings, y’know?”

Which is when the crashing Basestar smashes from a great height into Shotz Brewery, Milwaukee, Imperious Leader is decapitated in the ruckus, Richie gets kicked out of the Cylon’s parent directory, and Alice is never going to massage his bare hairless chest to thank him for saving her from both robot overlords and Lizard overlords. What is the point of being a space hero super adventurer, if girls are not going to put out?

Worst. Day. Ever.

 

[Guy Gardener]

Part 30.

Wonder Woman is stronger than a Diesel powered forklift. The predatory men who grab her perfect rump do not end up holding on to something that feels anything like a natural woman’s bottom. It’s like two star spangled blancmange moulds of fortified concrete. Diana is hefting tons of hull and deck plating to either side of the muffled terror of buried survivors from this catastrophe, a gigantic bi-hulled downed space ship that fell on a burning down brewery. Exploding beer vats is not as funny as you’d think it should be. Boom! Someone lost an arm. Not funny.

Lavern and Shirley pull Lydia out of the rubble. Half her human mask has been peeled off by jaggared sconces. “Don’t worry honey, we’re good friends with Mork from Ork, we’re fine with you nonhuman types.” The Brewery was built on a switching station, there are tracks leading in and out of Shotz, so the animosity between Cylon and Train today had only just began. Super Train and the Time Train both collide with each other, and the Brewery and the felled Cylon Base Star, hurtling along at in excess of 500 mph right the fuck into each other’s cow-scoopers. Both trains are from short lived Love Boat-like prime Time TV serieses relying heavily on a revolving cast of b-list guest stars working though simple, yet captivating moral dilemmas, and a further coincidence is that both of these short lived Love Boat-like prime Time TV serieses this week had a b-story about an engineer with a death wish played by Tony Danza. That’s 6 dead Tony Danzas so far, and it’s still not enough. Lavern and Shirley are dead. Lydia is on fire, but still alive, and Wonder Woman is part God, so she’s just going to shrug this atomic powered melodrama off with ease.

 

[Robert Bruce Scott]

It’s like two star spangled blancmange moulds of fortified concrete.

That’s 6 dead Tony Danzas so far, and it’s still not enough.

Man, I don't know where you come up with this stuff. But sometimes - wham! Right on the funnybone!

Thanks!! rbs

 

[Guy Gardener]

Part 31.

The votes were counted. Lucifer was the new Imperious Leader, and Lord Baltar unmitigated prick that he is, will be an ottoman in Lucifer’s throne room until the end of infinity. Lucifer was looking at the numbers and Vengeance does not pay at all. No one cares about the 13th Tribe, and this is the past any way, that they retreated to after losing a decisive battle to the Pegasus. The Visitor fleet was running on fumes and the Cylon Fleet was down to its last Base star, and its not like they could poison the well on their way out of town, the humans had seriously put the smack down on aliens from the future. Aliens from the future! How the hell did they lose to these primitive monkeys? Frakk it. Kill everyone. So what if this is a peace ceremony and they are supposed to sign an armistice. It’s definition of insanity to keep doing the same thing and expect a different outcome?

John, leader of the Visitors, who is really Ziggy, a human sympathizing AI from the future, cracks Lucifer’s skull like an egg, with his terminator hands, and why shouldn’t you crack an egg like an egg? It’s really hard not to, ‘cause crackers got to crack. “Baltar, you’re up. You’re imperious leader. Don’t mess it up.”

From the bleachers sitting near the rear, Hannibal Smith pops a stoogie into the side of his mouth and says “I love it when a plan comes together.”

The End.