Tell me a good joke...

[The Boy Who Cried Worf]

There is a man and all of his life he had the choice between two options and he always picked the wrong one.

He had the choice of two colleges to go to and he picked the less prestigious.

He had the choice of two jobs to take and he picked the dead end one with no prospects.

He had a choice of two women to marry and he picked the one who turned into the nagging shrew.

One day he had to take a flight and he had two airlines to choose from. And he picked the wrong one

Half way through the flight the plane encounters a horrible storm. Lighting strikes the wing and the plane begins to careen towards the Earth. Desperate the man cries out to heaven, "St. Francis help me"!

And a voice answers back "Did you want St. Francis of Assisi or Saint Francis Xavier?"

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Two guys are taking flying lessons. One of them says to the other one that their instructor is an 8th degree black belt and a sexual predator. "If I don't submit to his advances I have to jump out of the plane," the first guy says.

"Well? Did you jump?" the other one asks.

"Yeah...a little, at first."

 

[thestrangequark]

An elderly couple sit down to breakfast on their anniversary and the husband says, "Darling, we've been married 50 years today," "50 wonderful, beautiful years!" replies his wife. "And 50 years ago today, we were probably sitting right here at this breakfast table," remarks the husband, "and we were probably naked as jaybirds! Wanna do it again?" he asks, with a wink. "Okay!" she replies, and they both run off and take off all their clothes. Sitting at the table they steal glances and blush and giggle just like young lovers, and the wife says, sexily, "Honey, my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago," and her husband replies, "They ought to be, one's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"


And because I'm a huge fan of bad puns:

What do Scooby Doo and Hamlet have in common?


They're both Great Danes!

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Two flies are buzzing around a pile of garbage. One of the flies suddenly farts. The other one says "HEY! I'm eatin' here!!"

 

[tharpdevenport]

Some jokes:

Memo to all employees:


In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.).

We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the course, please see your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.).

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.).

Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).

For employees who are intending to pursue a career in management and consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.). This course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T..

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.).
Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
The Director Under the Main Bureau of Super High Intensity Training. (The D.U.M.B. S.H.I.T.).

Q: What is the coldest part of a man's body?
A: His balls - they're two below.

A 90 year old man goes to a brothel. The mistriss asks:
"Sir, how old are you?"
"90," he replies.
"90? Sir, don't you know you;ve already had it?"
"I have," he looks puzzled, "how much do I owe you?"

An old man goes into a confessional...
"Forgive me father, for I have sined."
"It's okay my son. What did you do?"
"Yesterday I picked up two teenage girls and took then to a motel and had sex with both of them twice."
"How old are you?"
"92."
"92? What kind of catholic are you?"
"I'm Jewish."
"Then why are you telling me this?"
"I'm telling EVERYONE!!!!!"

A ship with a dog, a man and a pig crashes in a desert ilse.
Late one night, while lying on their backs, the man rolls over and starts whispering sweet nothings into the pigs ears.
The dog says, "Hey! You leave that pig alone!"

The next day, a beautiful women gets stranded on the ilse.
Late at night while they are all lying on their backs, looking at the starts, the man leans over and whispers, "Hey ... can you take the dog for a walk?"

This guy meets a beautiful girl. He eventually asks her name.
"Carmen," she replies.
"Pretty name," he says.
"It's a combination of my two favorite things: cars and men."
"Really, I did that too," replies the man.
"What's your name?" she asks.
"Golftits."

Q: What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over?
A: Doughnuts!

Four nuns die and go to Heaven.

As they arrive at the gates, Saint Peter holds them back, "Not so fast; because of all the scandals happening, you have to confess your sins before you can enter.

They get in line and the first nun comes up and says, "I touched the head of a penis once."
Peter replies, "Say one hail Mary and dip the finger in that pound of holy water."
The next nun comes up, "I jerked a guy off once."
"At least you admitted it. One hail Mary and dip your hand in the holy water."
He looks over and sees the last two nuns fighting, "Sisters! Sisters! What ever is the matter?"
"Saint Peter, if I gotta gargle with that stuff, I wann do it before Sister May Thomas sticks her ass in it!"

This gay guy wakes up to a bunch of noise and walks into the living room. He sees his boyfriend whacking off into a small brown lunch bag, "wyhat are you doing?"
"I'm packing your lunch!!!"

Three guys die and find themselves infront of the Pearly Gates to Heaven, but Saint Peter stops them.
"Sorry, Heaven is a little too full right now, so we're only letting in people who had terrible deaths first," says Peter.
The first man steps forward, "Well, Saint Peter, I was lifting weights and got carried away. I stumbled backwards and fell over the ledge downward. I caught the railing, but this guy comes out, looks at me, then pulls out a hammer and starts beating on my fingers until I can't hold on. I fall and I thought I was dead for sure, but I fall in some bushes. But then I look upward and I see the same guy toss over a refridgerator. So, it landed on me and here I am."
"That's terrible, welcome to Heaven, my son. Next?"
The second guy comes up, "Oh, Peter, I came home early 'cause I knew my wife was cheating on me. I ran to the room, but no one was there, but she was naked in hte bed, surprised. I checked the closet, under the bed, the bathroom -- couldn't find the guy. But then I thought of the balcony. I run out there and sure enough the fudger was hanging off the ledge, so I whip out a hammer and start beating on his the S.O.B.'s fingers until he falls. But the dick falls in a bush and lives! So I luge out the fridge and push it over. It falls on him and kills him, but the strain was too much and I had a heart attack and die. Damnit."
"We'll just sort of over look the pesky 1st Degree murder thing. Welcome to Heaven..."
The third guy comes up, "Oh, man -- I was cheating with this guy's wife when I hear him come home early. You won't believe what happened -- I hide in his refridgerator..."

Two nuns are driving through Transylvania after sunset. Suddenly - bang! A hissing, snarling vampire lands on the windshield.
"Sister -- show him your cross!" shouts the first nun.
The second nun sticks her head out the window and yells, "Hey - asshole! Get off the fucking car!"

These nuns are paiting the inside of a chapel building during the summer. It gets so hot that they decide to take their cloths all off since no one else is around.
Sure enough, ten minutes into the painting a knock comes at the door.
One of the nuns waddles to the door and asks, "Who's there?"
"Blind man," comes a reply from a man.
"Blind man?"
"Yeah."
So they nod there heads and agree to let him in.
After a few minutes of standing there and looking around he finally says, "Nice tits sisters. Now where do you want the blinds?"

Four nuns die and go to Heaven.

As they arrive at the gates, Saint Peter holds them back, "Not so fast; because of all the scandals happening, you have to confess your sins before you can enter.

They get in line and the first nun comes up and says, "I touched the head of a penis once."
Peter replies, "Say one hail Mary and dip the finger in that pound of holy water."
The next nun comes up, "I jerked a guy off once."
"At least you admitted it. One hail Mary and dip your hand in the holy water."
He looks over and sees the last two nuns fighting, "Sisters! Sisters! What ever is the matter?"
"Saint Peter, if I gotta gargle with that stuff, I wann do it before Sister May Thomas sticks her ass in it!"

P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution and action taken by the mechanics.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: #2 Properller seeping prop fluid.
S: #2 Properller seepage normal. #1, #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

 

[Stiletto]

Why do Canadians have sex doggy style? So that they can BOTH watch the hockey game

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

A man starts hearing a voice in his head. The voice keeps repeating the same phrase over and over: "Quit your job, take out all your money, and go to Vegas." At first he tries to ignore the voice, but it won't stop saying that phrase: "Quit your job, take out all your money, and go to Vegas."

So eventually the guy can't take it anymore and he obeys the voice. He quits his job, withdraws all the money from his bank account, and boards a plane to Las Vegas.

As soon as he gets off the plane, the voice says: "Go to Caesar's Palace." So he does.

Next, the voice says: "Make your way to the roulette table." The guy complies.

The voice then tells him: "Put all your money on red 17." He does, and the wheel spins. It comes up black 10.

The voice says, "Fuck."

 

[Arrqh]

A chemical, eletrical and civil engineer are arguing over what sort of engineer they think god is.

The chemical engineer says "obviously god is a chemical engineer. Just look at all the complex chemical systems that make up the human body!"

"No," says the electrical engineer, "just look at the complex electrical system that makes up the human brain. Such an amazing system could only be designed by an electrical engineer!"

"You're both wrong, " says the civil engineer. "God is obviously a civil engineer. Who else would put a waste management facility through a recreation zone?"

 

[marillion]

This might not register for someone younger than a teenager in the late '80s, but here goes...

I was walking down the street the other day and saw a woman walking toward me with a t-shirt that said "Guess"..

So I said "Implants?"

She hit me...

 

[Defiant]

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Why the long face?"

 

[Haggis and tatties]

Guy walks into the doctors and say, "Doctor you have to help me, i have strawberries coming out of my backside".

Doctor gives him some cream for them.

Two monkeys climbing into a hot bath, one monkey goes "OooohhhhhhhhhhAAAAEEEEEE!! ", the other says "Well put some cold water in then".