• Welcome! The TrekBBS is the number one place to chat about Star Trek with like-minded fans.
    If you are not already a member then please register an account and join in the discussion!

STTOS Ep. 1x03 - A Crewman's Chronicle [The Naked Time]

ElectricBikeGuy

Ensign
Red Shirt
**** Authors Note: OK back to the old format. And like I mentioned in Ep. 1, these are first drafts so there could be stuff to polish up and get more detailed but I am horrible at doing that (I'd never get it done). Anyway, hope you enjoy :) P.S. Might be a little profanity, once or twice ****

ACT I

(premise - Arnie's weekend off turns crazy as the crew is infected with the Psi 2000 virus.)

Stardate: 1704.3

I woke up with a start. My ever so perfect roommate wasn't making any effort to keep quiet. He knew I had the day off! Couldn't he have even attempted to left me take a little advantage of it by sleeping in?

"You're in a chipper mood." I commented groggily as I saw Roy finishing off the imperfections in his uniform. "Tell me Roy, how is it possible that whenever we break open a bottle of alcohol you're not even phased the next morning while I get my butt completely kicked?"

Roy chuckled. "That's because my friend, I always stop at drink number three."

I let out a single laughing breath. "Whatever, we polished off that half bottle of Romulan Ale last night."

Roy looked at me and grinned. "Actually you polished off that half bottle."

I attempted to recall last nights events. While they were a bit fuzzy, I could still remember them and low and behold, he was right. I never noticed it before but Roy never goes past his third drink.

"You S.O.B.! You've been contributing to my delinquency without contributing to your own!" I accused, only partially joking.

Roy laughed and shrugged in mock helplessness. "It's not my problem you can't hold your liquor."

"Thanks a lot! We'll see if I ever drink with you again!" I replied jokingly.
We both laughed, him more so than me though since the throbbing in my cranium prevented any extraneous movement.

"Where are you off too?" I asked, noticing he was equipped for a landing party op.

Roy smiled proudly. "You are looking at the lead crewman for landing party two to go down on the surface."

"Surface? Surface of where?" I asked. I didn't realize we had entered orbit anywhere.

Roy shrugged. "Some nowhere place called Psi 2000. Evidently there's a research station here that we were assigned to check out."

"Ooh research station. Think there be any hostile aliens?" I asked.

Roy whipped out his Phaser and stood in 'ready and shoot' stance. "I certainly hope so."

"Well, good luck and don't get killed." I replied.

Roy flashed his trademark wink and tongue click. "You know me, I'm invincible!"

"Uh huh." I replied unconvinced. "See you on the flip side."

And with that, Roy dashed out of the room like some Phaser wielding, red shirt wearing superhero. I however, went back to bed to see if I could sleep off the effects of this Romulan hangover.


******

I managed to get a few more hours of sleep but the hangover was just too powerful and I had a massive need to get some water in me. I got up, did my morning constitutional and stumbled half awake and half hung-over down the corridor to the mess hall. Some synthetic food cubes and coffee would work wonders. Or so I'd hoped. On my way I came across Lt. Sulu, shirtless and brandishing a sword.

Well, as you might have guessed, that's not 'normal procedure' for a senior officer. Coupled with some other strange stuff that was going on, I finally decided that I wasn't quite fully recovered from the effects of that ale last night and I was seeing things.

I shrugged it off and made my way to the mess hall where I ordered a nice morning breakfast of food cubes and a double helping of coffee. I made no attempt to pay attention to the strange actions by the other crew since they were only hallucinations brought on by too much drinking. If I didn't have an excuse to go sober, I did now.

I found an empty table and sat down to enjoy my breakfast in peace. But just as I was about to take my first sip of coffee, a hand slammed down on the table, threatening to spill the hot beverage over its rim and onto my lap.

"What the hell!" I remarked, annoyed.

I looked up to see who the offending person was. Great. It was Crewman Hardin. I knew this 'confrontation' would come. I just hoped it wouldn't be so soon.

"Hinkle," He began in a rather angry tone. "I have a few words to say to you."

"Look Josh, I'm sorry about the whole 'confining you to quarters' thing, OK? I was an idiot and drunk with power." I replied apologetically.

"That's not good enough Hinkle." He said and slapped the cup of coffee from my hands and onto the floor.

I looked down at the coffee spewed all over the floor, then up to Crewman Hardin in shocked amazement. "Are you crazy Hardin!"

"It's time you get a little of your own medicine." Replied my shipmate.
Josh grabbed me by my shirt and lifted me up to a standing position with more strength than I thought he had. It was that moment when I knew things were going to get messy. Hardin's right fist crashed into my face with a sickening crunch. My head flew back and I sprawled onto the ground.

Unfortunately, as much as I would like to say I wasn't phased in the slightest and I got immediately back up to show my impudent crew mate what for, the truth of the matter was I was out. When I regained consciousness, the whole mess hall was in a giant brawl like some old western holovid bar fight.

I would have thought it was still part of the hallucinations I was having save for the blood trickling down my nose. That's when I finally realized that what was going on with the ship was not just me. I ducked and dodged a few time as crewman combatants tumbled passed me. Food cubes and polymer plates were flying all over the place.

I scrambled to my hands and knees and made my way carefully to the exit. I had almost made it when I heard Hardin's voice scream at me from behind.
"HINKLE! YOU AREN'T GETTING AWAY THAT EASILY!"

Josh barged his way through the other tussling crew. He had fire in his eyes and he was out for blood. That much was quite evident.

My mouth dropped open and I tried in vain to crab walk backwards to the door. I couldn't quite see Hardin charging for me for the images of my life were flashing before my eyes. This wasn't no friendly brawl, people in the Mess hall were getting seriously injured. Blood and teeth were flying everywhere and it wasn't just limited to the guys either. The women crew were going at it just as viciously, scratching, biting, pulling of hair and kicking of man parts.

It was official, the entire crew of the Enterprise had just gone crazy.

******

I closed my eyes and prepared for the coming blow, but it never came. I cracked one eye open to see the familiar blue form of an Andorian female pummeling Hardin's head into the deck plating. It was Crewman Kim Hughes and she had quite possible just saved my life.

Kim stopped herself once Hardin was out, well, maybe a bit after he was out. She rushed over to me with concern in her eyes.

"Arnie!" She cried. "Are you OK?"

"Yea." I replied slowly. "Thanks to you."

"Oh good." Kim said. "I was so worried!"

This statement caused me to frown because she said it in a way you would say it about a family member or close loved one. But me and her were just co-workers...

Whatever. She saved my life and I wasn't going to look that gift horse in the mouth.

"Come on." Kim continued in her oddly over-worried tone. "Let's get you to sickbay."

"What about the others?" I inquired as she lifted me up like I weighed nothing.

"They can find their own way." She huffed. "My only concern is you."
On the way down to sickbay I wondered if I had just jumped from the frying pan and into the fire.
 
ACT II

"Well," Dr. McCoy began examining the bed's condition monitor I was laying in. "I have some good news and I have some bad news."

"What's the good news?" I asked.

"Well, it seems that hangover you're suffering from has protected you from getting whatever the crew has got." The Doctor explained.

"You're saying I'm not going to go mad like the rest of the ship?" I asked.

"I don't think so." He replied.

That was a relief.

"So what's the bad news?" I asked.

"Now I know what happened to my missing bottle of Romulan Ale." He quipped.

I chuckled nervously. Getting caught red handed was never any fun.

"Is he going to be OK Doc?" Kim said like a mother hen.

"He'll be fine Crewman. You and the others however, I'm not so sure."

Doc McCoy turned back to me and gave me a hypo spray shot. "This will help with the pain and stopping the bleeding. Your nose will heal on its own in a few days. But now I'm going to send you back to your quarters. We have a slew of injuries to deal with and I have to take this data from you and see if I can find a cure for whatever is going on."

I nodded "Sure Doc."

"Crewman." McCoy said to Kim. "Can you take Crewman Hinkle back to his quarters and keep an eye on him?"

Kim stood straight and saluted. "You can count on me Sir!"

"Very good." He replied, then turned to me. "Come back when things have settled down and we'll get that nose taken care of."

"Sure Doc." I replied.

Kim helped be off the bed and tried to physically carry me back to my room. I had to get a little insistent that I was more than capable of making it on my own. This sudden concern she was having for me seemed a little odd but at least she wasn't trying to tear my head off like Crewman Hardin.
We got to my cabin door and I waited for her to leave but she just stood there.

"Um Kim. I'm OK really." I said. "You can go."

"No way!" Kim replied. "Doctor McCoy said I had to keep an eye on you and that's what I am going to do!"

It was obvious she wouldn't take no for an answer. I sighed in defeat and hand waved her into my cabin. The door closed behind the two of us, leaving the crazy evens of the ship outside. Kim was looking around my room with such awe and reverence, it made me feel like she was standing in some sort of holy shrine.

"This is the first time I've ever been in your quarters." She remarked breathlessly.

I shrugged. "There's not much to see. It looks exactly the same as yours or any other crewman's."

"I disagree!" She protested. "This cabin has your stuff in it. That's what makes it special."

The emphasis she placed on the word 'your' sent shivers down my spine so I decided to see if I could change the subject.

"So Kim." I began.

Kim turned to face me and stepped just inside my personal comfort zone.

"Yes?" She replied breathlessly.

"Um..." I started, running a finger around the collar of my uniform. "You're Andorian..."

She laughed heartily. "And you want to know why I have a Human name?"
Kim ran a single blue finger down the front of my shirt. I stumbled back nervously into the corner of the room. I looked around for an escape but there was none. I was trapped and I did not like the look in this Andorian's eyes.

"I was an orphaned back on Andoria when I was a child and a Human family adopted me. They gave me a Human name because it was hard enough being an Alien growing up on a Human world."

As she told her story, she slowly pressed her blue, yet very feminine body against mine. I tried to meld myself into the bulkhead but to no avail.

"I....I didn't know that." I replied. My voice cracked like I had just entered a second puberty. "What made you want to join Starfleet?"

My intent was to keep her distracted long enough so that someone...ANYONE... would come through that door and rescue me.

"I went back to Andoria after school. My parents said it would be important to be amongst my 'own kind' for a while. But, even while I looked like them, those Andorians were alien to me. Being among Humans felt more...natural." She explained, while moving ever so slowly in for a kiss.

I banged my head painfully against the bulkhead and grimaced. Kim didn't even seem to notice.

"Now it's my turn to ask you a question Arnie." She said but her eyes were focused intently on my trembling lips, as if she was waiting for something. A time to strike maybe?

"Uh...sure." I replied, not knowing what else to do.

I've seen this woman fight and she wouldn't have ANY problem breaking me like a twig. The last thing I wanted to do was piss her off.

"Have you ever been with an Andorian female before?" She asked in a very sultry voice.

I laughed a hysterical, nervous laugh. "Uh...uh...No... I can't say that I have."

Oh God, please get me out of this!

At that moment the door to my cabin slid open. My heart leaped! I was saved!

Kim whipped around to face the intruder.

"Bree!" She replied in an oddly hostile tone. "What are you doing here?"
Bree struted into the cabin with a very self confident gate.

"Hello Kim. I might ask you the same thing." She said in as just a stand-offish tone.

My heart sank as the realization that the viper pit I was in just had more snakes added to it.

"Dr. McCoy PERSONALLY instructed me to look after Arnie after his run in with that jerk Hardin." Kim explained.

"Yes, I heard about that and I wanted to come over and check in on Arnie myself. To make sure he was doing OK." Bree replied.

The two women were literally circling each other like some sort of showdown.

"Ladies." I said weakly, in a vain attempt to diffuse the situation.
They both turned on me with anger in their faces.

"SHUT UP!" Came the simultaneous response.

I decided it was best just to cower in my little corner.

"Well Bree, you see that he's alright so now I think it's time for you to leave." Kim said threateningly.

"No Kim, I think its time for YOU to leave!" Bree shot back.

Right at that moment the lights in the cabin shut off and the dim red emergency lights clicked on. And before you think it, this time wasn't my fault.

Within a half a heartbeat the two women lunged at each other screaming like banshees. All I could do was watch. One of these women alone could easily kick my butt. Trying to stop both while under the effects of some alien disease would be suicide.

"He's mine!" Screamed Kim between the punches and kicks.

"Hardly!" Bree replied laughing. "Him and I have already been together."

"You lying tramp! He wouldn't come within a Light year of you!" Kim shot back just as she tackled Bree and sent them both tumbling over Roy's bed.

"Oh, but he did and it was the best I've ever had!" Yelled Bree as she planted a few good blows on the Andorian.

I knew I had to stop this. It was getting way out of control. But I have to admit, hearing that Bree actually remembered our night together and it being the 'best' in her life. Well, it kind of left me intrigued enough to see what other jewels of truth were going to be revealed. But once Bree started biting Kim's antennae I knew that it to stop NOW.

Think Arnie, think! How to stop two crazed women from killing each other!
Roy! I suddenly realized. The man keeps a whole arsenal in the cabin. I just need to find one of his Phasers and...

Keeping out of the way of the two warring women, I dashed for Roy's dresser drawers and opened the very bottom one. In it was filled to the brim with Phasers of all sorts. Type ones and type two's. Each custom made for him personally. It's the only thing Roy spends his resource credits on.

I grabbed one of the smaller type I Phasers and fumbled with it nervously. Phasers weren't my thing. I never liked guns but boot camp did give me some training in the things so I set it on the lowest stun setting possible and took aim.

As my luck seems to go, just when I was about to fire an object flew at me and hit my arm. The phaser went down as the beam shot out. I caught myself in my own leg.

Did I mention I hated guns?

The shot didn't take me out completely but it did stun my leg. I toppled over and sprawled out on the ground just as the two females rolled over top of me. I tried scrambling for the Phaser but it clattered away and under the desk. Bree and Kim kept fighting on top of me, effectively keeping me pinned. I was too busy deflecting missed blows to worry about even trying to get the Phaser again.

Just when I thought all hope was lost, another Phaser beam shot out and Bree and Kim went limp. I looked up in shock to see Roy in the doorway with his Phaser in his hand.

"You didn't kill them did you?" I asked tentatively.

Roy gave me a 'Are you kidding?' look. "No of course not!"

"And are you....OK?" I asked.

Roy walked into the room, bent down and gave the two women a hypo spray shot.

"I'm fine." He replied. "Dr. McCoy was able to synthesize an antidote based on the information he got from you. He's already passed it around to the security department and we've been going around the ship administering the drug."

I let out a breath of relief. "That's good news."

"Well, we're not out of the woods yet. It seems some of the crew fouled up Engineering pretty good. The main reactor is shut down and we're loosing altitude." Roy explained as he pushed the limp forms of Kim and Bree off from top of me.

I attempted to stand up, forgetting my leg had been stunned. It wouldn't support my weight and I went right back down again.

"You OK?" Roy asked, grabbing a hold of me.

"Yea I just um..."

Man, I really didn't want to admit to Roy I shot myself with a Phaser. I knew I would NEVER live that down. I could be 80 years old and still Roy would say 'do you remember that time you shot yourself in the leg with your own Phaser!'.

"Never mind." Interrupted Roy (thankfully). "I got to go and get as many engineering personnel back on duty. You keep an eye on the girls."
"Aye aye." I said.

Roy dashed out of the room. Of course I noticed there wasn't a single wrinkle in his uniform or misplaced hair on his head. I considered just to start calling him 'Mr. Perfect' but that would just inflate his already overly large ego as it was.
 
ACT III

A few minutes later Bree and Kim started to stir. They were still in a tangled mess on the floor and as both of them regained consciousness, they proceeded to unwrap themselves from each other.

"Are you ladies still...?" I asked, intentionally leaving out the 'crazy' part.
Both shook their head in the negative.

"I...I don't know what came over me." Kim commented.

"Neither do I." Added Bree.

"It was some sort of alien... something... from the planet." I explained. "But you two should be fine now. You've been inoculated."

Kim and Bree looked at each other in confusion.

"Were we.."Kim began.

"Fighting? Yea." Finished Bree.

OK, I couldn't help it. The whole thing was so surreal. I've never had two women go at each other for me before. I wanted to bask in that glory for as long as possible.

"You were fighting over me." I said, probably a bit too smugly.

"Eww." Both of them replied, like they had just touched something slimy and gross.

Bree turned to Kim. "If you want him, he's yours."

"I don't want him!" Cried Kim. "You're the one that hasn't had any better!"
Bree laughed defensively. "I was under the influence of an alien contaminant!"

"Well so was I!" Kim yelled back.

As much of an ego boost it is to have to girls fight over you, having two girls fight over who gets STUCK with you is much, much worse.

"Kim, I thought you liked me?" I asked sadly at this horrible, horrible turn of events.

"Like you?" Kim let out a deep rolling laugh. "Hardly!"

I looked over to Bree pleadingly.

"You and me? Don't even think about it." Bree replied. "EVER."

Put your thumb and pointer finger together and press them hard as you can. The space between them was about as small as I felt right at that moment.

"Come on Kim, let me treat you to an ice cream. I think I owe you an apology" Bree offered.

"My treat though." Kim replied happily.

Arm in arm, the two giggling. With me alone in my cabin. I slumped on my bed and looked around. The cabin was a disaster. It looked as if two people had just used it as a fighting ring. Which, of course, they did.

I let out a long sigh.

******

The next thing I remembered was waking up on the floor. The lights were restored and things seemed to be somewhat back to normal. Save for the swelling bump that was forming on the top of my head. At least the throbbing from the hangover was gone.

"Welcome back to the land of the living." Said Roy as he looked over me.

"What happened?" I asked woozily.

"Chief Scott got the engines fired up and saved the ship from a horrible demise." He explained. "It seems you hit your head quite good."

Roy pulled me up to my feet. My legs felt like noodles and I nearly collapsed back down again if it hadn't been for Roy's quick reflexes.

"Whoa there bud, take it easy. Seems like you had it pretty rough. Maybe we should get you to sickbay."

I had to agree with that assessment. I started the day with a hangover. Got punched in the face by a vindictive crew mate. Nearly assaulted by a sex crazed Andorian. I shot myself in the leg with a Phaser. Gotten pummeled by two women in a battle to the death. And to top it all off, I hit my head falling off the bed.

Roy supported me as we hobbled down to sickbay.

"Oh and by-the-way. We've traveled back in time three days."

I just about started to cry.
 
Another well done story. What I like is your subtle use of humor, instead of trying to hit us over the head with it. There is a sense of normalcy to these stories which is quickly put on its head only to return back to the status quo by the end. A well proven formula.

I could have used a lot more details on this one though. After all you probably managed to write every guy's fantasy in this one. Two (I presume good looking) women, clad in miniskirts, one of which is an exotic blue-skinned Andorian, cat-fighting over the one lonley guy. Oh yea, a lot more details.
 
Thank you thank you :) There is more to come :) So stay tuned. Don't worry about the lack of details too much. This isn't the last time Arnie as a run in with Bree and Kim ;)
 
If you are not already a member then please register an account and join in the discussion!

Sign up / Register


Back
Top