Star Trek: M-5 (Kelvin timeline movie screenplay fanfic)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Andy Hong, Jan 1, 2018.

  1. Andy Hong

    Andy Hong Lieutenant Red Shirt

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2017
    So I decided to put my script up again after some modifications, because why not. (Maybe I can do a better job at writing a Star Trek movie than Quentin Tarantino? :P) There's 2 versions. The shorter one has a subplot removed in order to make it 150 pages.

    (UPDATE: I forgot to add a note WHY you should read it - essentially, I took a modern sci-fi/sci fantasy action movie like the 3 Kelvin timeline movies and then injected as much essential "Classic Trek Flavour" as I thought the movie could stand whilst remaining a modern action heavy movie.)

    https://drive.google.com/open?id=1UDS3de9GbcqXLDIgh3Z_4SddTKgp1RxD

    Shorter version
    https://drive.google.com/open?id=1S5-DVPaB0dsxgtgKiGhhGwPm3LTYjY3p

    Note: If by some miracle this somehow gets turned into a movie, then I suggest that the tie-in comic/graphic novel show Kelvin Chekov being recruited as an Interdimensional Temporal Agent by Prime Chekov).
     
    Last edited: Jan 3, 2018
  2. Andy Hong

    Andy Hong Lieutenant Red Shirt

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2017
    Here's a little preview. (Jasminder is a character I...uh...."borrowed"/imported from the TNG novelverse. The USS Reliant I used, because the writers of "Into Darkness" didn't use that part of Wrath of Khan, so I thought why not?)

    FADE IN:
    The screen is black. RED ALERT can be heard, along with a man’s steady breathing. Zoom out. First we see a pupil, then an eye. We are zooming out from KIRK’s face, we are hearing his breathing. His face is stressed but shows grim determination and defiance. He is in the Captain’s chair.

    INT - ENTERPRISE BRIDGE

    The bridge is at red alert. The bridge crew’s faces mirror Kirk’s. SULU, SPOCK, UHURA, and the rest of the bridge crew at their stations. We also see JASMINDER CHOUDHURY seated at the Navigator’s station.

    Sparks fly as the Enterprise is rocked and critically damaged.

    KIRK
    Uhura! Can you send a distress signal?

    UHURA
    Too much interference from the nebula!

    Kirk pauses. The taste of defeat is as bitter as ever. He makes the call he never wanted to make.

    KIRK
    Lieutenant. Signal our surrender.

    There is an abject look of defeat across the bridge crew.

    UHURA
    Aye Captain. Transmitting. (beat) No response!

    KIRK
    Transmit on all frequencies!

    UHURA
    I am! And in all languages!

    The enemy ship (USS RELIANT) has partially turned around, some distance from the Enterprise.

    JASMINDER CHOUDHURY
    He’s coming about. (beat) He’s targeting the bridge!

    The enemy ship fires a non-cluster, high maneuverability torpedo from a forward tube. It curves round and maneuvers a bit but not much, since there is no phaser fire to evade.

    JASMINDER CHOUDHURY
    Torpedo fired! Impact in 20 seconds!

    KIRK
    Keep broadcasting our surrender!

    The torpedo warning alarm starts beeping. Kirk tries to reassure the bridge crew.

    KIRK
    Don’t worry, we can take a hit, so long as…

    The viewscreen polarization fizzles out. There is a mass look of horror on the bridge. Worse, the incoming torpedo beep speeds up as the torpedo gets closer to Enterprise!

    KIRK
    Get it back! Get it back!

    JASMINDER CHOUDHURY
    It won’t reinitialize! Shields and weapons still down! 15 seconds to impact!

    During this time, Uhura’s station goes down.

    UHURA
    Comms offline!

    She quickly flicks switches and opens a panel, but nothing. She then has a somewhat inexplicable urge to leave her seat and rush towards the centre of the bridge to tell the Captain again her Comms are down, behind and to the port side of the Captain’s chair.

    UHURA
    Captain! My Comms are d-!

    She then sees the torpedo. Like a life flashing before her eyes moment, everything seems to be slowed down slightly (75%-95% normal speed). She switches between staring at the torpedo and looking at her crewmates as they try and fail to come up with something to save them. When we look at her we can hear her increasingly NERVOUS BREATHING.

    KIRK
    (slowed down)
    Evasive Maneuvers?!

    SULU
    (slowed down)
    Nothing! Even the saucer lift jets are out!

    JASMINDER CHOUDHURY
    (slowed down)
    10 seconds!

    The camera focuses on Uhura as she stands, partially transfixed by the incoming torpedo, her fear growing every second, at the torpedo heading straight for the bridge, for her. The camera switches between looking at her face and her P.O.V. of the torpedo. She then looks at Kirk.

    KIRK
    (slowed down)
    Suggestions?! (beat) Spock?!

    Uhura looks at Spock, who has turned to face Kirk.

    SPOCK
    (slowed down)
    I’m sorry, Captain….

    Spock turns back to his station. The camera again focuses back on Uhura, who is now completely transfixed by the torpedo. It’s a nightmare, it can’t be happening, it can’t end this way! The camera continues to switch between her face and her view of the torpedo.

    JASMINDER CHOUDHURY
    (slowed down)
    5 seconds!

    Kirk presses his chair comm button.

    KIRK
    (slowed down)

    Battle bridge! Stand by!

    He looks up.

    KIRK
    (slowed down)
    All hands brace for impact!

    The camera again focuses back on Uhura. Time seems to be moving even slower (50%-75% normal). The camera continues to switch between her horrified face and her view of the torpedo. We hear her FEARFUL BREATHING and the INCOMING TORPEDO BEEPING. 3 seconds before impact, she still can’t look away. 2 seconds before impact, she instinctively steps back with her left foot, turning her body left and throws her hands and arms in front of her face, one hand and arm above, and the other below her face (we can still see her face – this face and body position is important later in the story), in a futile attempt to protect herself. But she also turns her head right – she can’t take her wide-open eyes off the torpedo. One final view of the torpedo. 1 second before impact, camera refocuses on her, and she GASPS. And SCREAMS.

    CUT TO BLACK.

    UHURA (V.O.)
    (normal speed)
    NOOOOOOO!
     
  3. Andy Hong

    Andy Hong Lieutenant Red Shirt

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2017
    PS: Anyone got any comments on the screenplay?
     
  4. Dulak

    Dulak Commander Red Shirt

    Joined:
    Jul 6, 2007
    Location:
    Pacific NW
    Your idea is interesting, and you have quite a grasp of action. Have you considered just doing a novelization, and writing it out, so you can be as detailed as you want and go all Charles Dickens on it?

    I apologize for my comments (and you can ignore them in any case) if you are just using the screenplay format for fun, most of this reply is assuming you are writing the format for practice or for use in actual saleable work.

    Just one quick one. Just from the preview. You've got a lot of camera directions. So your screenplay is more of a shooting script than a spec, or more of a nebulous hybrid. (Now, I don't have any screenplays sold, so take this or leave it, but) since you mentioned the hope that it get's made into a movie someday, to get someone to even read it, (from my understanding) you've got to get all those shooting directions out of there "camera zooms," etc. It totally takes the reader out of the story. That is stuff that get's put in later, after it's sold.

    Also, don't use so many dampeners, it's ok to be firm in your action "partially transfixed by the incoming torpedo," how are you partially transfixed? I see you are trying to show a gradually deepening reaction on her part, but that's not effective. Also, you've got to leave the actors something to interpret, or they aren't going to sign on. They don't want to be directed like a robot.

    Even though you might see the frames of a specific scene quite clearly in your mind, having such detailed description as

    "2 seconds before impact, she instinctively steps back with her left foot, turning her body left and throws her hands and arms in front of her face, one hand and arm above, and the other below her face (we can still see her face – this face and body position is important later in the story), in a futile attempt to protect herself. But she also turns her head right – she can’t take her wide-open eyes off the torpedo. One final view of the torpedo. 1 second before impact, camera refocuses on her, and she GASPS. And SCREAMS."

    Is way too much. IF that is why your trimmed screenplay is 150 pages, then that would be one place you could work to get it down to 120 or 100, because it's difficult to get someone to pick up a 2 hour 30 minute movie. (unless you have the rep of James Cameron, etc.)

    Also, the bridge scene. You stay inside the bridge the whole time, even in a spec, there needs to be some EXT - SPACE transitions to show what is happening to the ship from the outside. We don't get any idea of how critically damaged the enterprise is from

    "Sparks fly as the Enterprise is rocked and critically damaged."

    So it's unexpected when Kirk surrenders. NO montage of crewmen being inured in explosions, other parts of the ship. Nacelles being blown off externally. Someone reporting Warp Core breach... Just a sparking bridge console. Needs more evidence of the damage.
     
  5. Andy Hong

    Andy Hong Lieutenant Red Shirt

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2017
    Hi Dulak! :)

    Yes, this is my first screenplay (maybe fifth version of it though). Some bits probably contain too much direction of the actors or camera angles, although that bit focused on Uhura, I felt that was important, because another character has to do something similar later on for story reasons. The preview only contains the opening sequence, which is why it's all set on the bridge (with a few external shots) - it's because I wrote the screenplay in medias res. We start off after seeing the Enterprise has been defeated, and then after it cuts to black, we go back 7 days so we can see how the crew got to that point, and what happened at the start of and during that space battle, and then we continue onwards with the story.

    Anyhow, have you read the whole screenplay yet?
     
  6. Dulak

    Dulak Commander Red Shirt

    Joined:
    Jul 6, 2007
    Location:
    Pacific NW
    I haven't done that yet, but I plan on it. Just working under some time constraints right now.