Originally posted on fanfiction.net - Link.
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Techno-Babble
“Ah, there’s nothing like the smell of an overworked, outdated piece of hardware to get one’s blood pumping,” Rutherford smiled prying open a panel to an aqueduct flow regulatory station.
“You said it,” Tendi agreed cheerfully working alongside him. “It’s nice that Dessica II lifted their temporary ban on Starfleet personnel just in time for us to be assigned to one of the away teams. Wonder what happened that made the Dessican government suddenly change their minds?”
“I don’t know, but I’m sure glad they did,” Rutherford grinned readying a hyperspanner. “Man, check out these pressure gauges.”
“Hey, what are you two doing?” A Dessican official strode up and glared at them. “You don’t have authorization to access those systems.”
“Yes we do,” Tendi said. “We’re from the Federation starship Cerritos. We’re here to conduct repairs and updates to your aqueduct system.”
“You?” The Dessican official sniffed haughtily. “We were expecting Starfleet to send a team composed of professional personnel. Not inexperienced ensigns like you.”
“What?” Tendi gasped, offended.
“We are professionals,” Rutherford spoke up. “The fluidic compression injectors of this flow regulatory station are out of alignment which are negatively affecting the associated flux modulator nozzles, thus causing the branching ionic streams to experience intervariable bipolar turbulence.”
“Huh?” The Dessican official blinked, confused.
“The hydraulic phase inducers need recalibrating too,” Rutherford went on. “Otherwise the harmonic dampers will encounter too many frequency differentials and end up causing unstable pneumonic diffusion anomalies in the hydrodyne relay matrix. You know what I mean?”
“Huh? Oh, uh…of course,” The Dessican official looked very lost. “Hmmm, guess you really are professionals after all. Carry on.”
“Okey-dokey,” Rutherford smiled as the dazed Dessican official left.
“Wow. What was all that about?” Tendi stared at Rutherford questioningly. “I thought all were need to do was run system diagnostics and swap out old parts.”
“We are. I simply told that official the aqueduct’s control circuit boards are old and that the aqueduct’s pipes may develop too many air bubbles,” Rutherford explained. “I just made it sound more complicated than it really is.”
“We can do that?” Tendi blinked in surprise.
“Sure. Starfleet officers do stuff like that all the time,” Rutherford said connecting a padd to the aqueduct’s computer interface. “While there are many unofficial customs and rituals practiced throughout Starfleet, there is one time-honored tradition that helps ensure linguistic and scientific accuracy. Not to mention a great way to impress superior officers and amaze less-informed observers.”
“Really?” Tendi asked eagerly. “What is it?”
“Simple. All one has to do is…” Rutherford smiled spreading his arms wide. “Give ‘em the old techno-babble. Techno-babble ‘em!” He casually twirled a decoupler around his finger. “Break into that distinct vernacular! And folks will think that you’re spectacular!”
“Ooooh!” Tendi marveled.
“Give 'em the old cyber-blather! One and zero 'em!” Rutherford grinned removing a burned-out computer circuit. “Who can deny not being in the know?”
“Obviously those with too much ego and not enough humility,” Tendi commented. “In other words, just about every supervisory official in existence.”
“There is no problem, mess or matter! That can’t be solved with tech palaver!” Rutherford beamed proudly. “Techno-babble 'em! And you’ll look like a pro!”
“That’s fine as long as one really is a professional,” Tendi said. “It’s not like there are a bunch of unknown actors out there who simply pretend to be serious Starfleet scientists and engineers.”
“Give 'em the old techno-babble! Techno-babble 'em!” Rutherford sang as he worked. “Make your speech sound complex and lyrical! As you work to pull off a miracle!”
“Oh, good idea,” Tendi chirped. “Hope I get the opportunity to try that myself someday.”
“Give 'em the old mumbo-jumbo! Awe and amaze 'em!” Rutherford smiled as his padd’s diagnostic readouts suddenly lit up like a Christmas tree. “Should the impossible rear up its head!”
“Uh oh,” Tendi gulped as several warning alarms began to blare.
“Toss acronyms and buzz words around! Until a kooky answer is found!” Rutherford grinned doing so. “Techno-babble 'em! And you won’t end up dead!”
“Always a good thing,” Tendi nodded as the alarms ceased and the diagnostic lights returned to normal.
“Give 'em the old gobbledygook! Daze and dizzy 'em!” Rutherford sang and began to dance around. “Reel off some fancy terminology! To appear a whiz with technology!”
“Wow!” Tendi oohed at her friend’s behavior.
“Give 'em the old jibber-jabber! Stun and stagger 'em!” Rutherford smiled skipping about. “When all seems doomed and there’s no other way!”
“Oh no!” Tendi dramatically mock-gasped.
“Keep the tech-jargon sharp and intense! Though it may sound like utter nonsense!” Rutherford grinned striking a pose. “Techno-babble 'em! And you’ll help save the day!”
“Yay!” Tendi cheered jumping up and grabbing Rutherford’s hand.
“Give 'em the old techno-babble! Techno-babble 'em!” Rutherford smiled twirling about with Tendi. “Leave your audience suitably impressed!”
“Wheeeeee!” Tendi giggled happily.
“Spout exotic parlance with a twist! To prove you’re a Starfleet specialist!” Rutherford grinned knowingly. “Techno-babble 'em!”
“Techno-babble 'em!” Tendi echoed.
“Techno-babble 'em!” Rutherford beamed proudly as the two ensigns raised their linked arms in triumph. “AND THEY’LL THINK YOU’RE THE BEEEEEESSST!”
“What the *bleep* are you two ensigns doing?” Doctor T’Ana shouted standing nearby. “Tendi, come with me.” T’Ana pointed at Rutherford. “You, quit making that racket and get back to work!”
“Yes, sir!” Rutherford chirped and cheerfully returned to the repairs.
“There is one problem no amount of fancy techno-babble can solve,” T’Ana grumbled walking away with Tendi. “How to stop certain Starfleet officers from acting like lunatics!”
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Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek: Lower Decks or the song “Razzle Dazzle”.
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Techno-Babble
“Ah, there’s nothing like the smell of an overworked, outdated piece of hardware to get one’s blood pumping,” Rutherford smiled prying open a panel to an aqueduct flow regulatory station.
“You said it,” Tendi agreed cheerfully working alongside him. “It’s nice that Dessica II lifted their temporary ban on Starfleet personnel just in time for us to be assigned to one of the away teams. Wonder what happened that made the Dessican government suddenly change their minds?”
“I don’t know, but I’m sure glad they did,” Rutherford grinned readying a hyperspanner. “Man, check out these pressure gauges.”
“Hey, what are you two doing?” A Dessican official strode up and glared at them. “You don’t have authorization to access those systems.”
“Yes we do,” Tendi said. “We’re from the Federation starship Cerritos. We’re here to conduct repairs and updates to your aqueduct system.”
“You?” The Dessican official sniffed haughtily. “We were expecting Starfleet to send a team composed of professional personnel. Not inexperienced ensigns like you.”
“What?” Tendi gasped, offended.
“We are professionals,” Rutherford spoke up. “The fluidic compression injectors of this flow regulatory station are out of alignment which are negatively affecting the associated flux modulator nozzles, thus causing the branching ionic streams to experience intervariable bipolar turbulence.”
“Huh?” The Dessican official blinked, confused.
“The hydraulic phase inducers need recalibrating too,” Rutherford went on. “Otherwise the harmonic dampers will encounter too many frequency differentials and end up causing unstable pneumonic diffusion anomalies in the hydrodyne relay matrix. You know what I mean?”
“Huh? Oh, uh…of course,” The Dessican official looked very lost. “Hmmm, guess you really are professionals after all. Carry on.”
“Okey-dokey,” Rutherford smiled as the dazed Dessican official left.
“Wow. What was all that about?” Tendi stared at Rutherford questioningly. “I thought all were need to do was run system diagnostics and swap out old parts.”
“We are. I simply told that official the aqueduct’s control circuit boards are old and that the aqueduct’s pipes may develop too many air bubbles,” Rutherford explained. “I just made it sound more complicated than it really is.”
“We can do that?” Tendi blinked in surprise.
“Sure. Starfleet officers do stuff like that all the time,” Rutherford said connecting a padd to the aqueduct’s computer interface. “While there are many unofficial customs and rituals practiced throughout Starfleet, there is one time-honored tradition that helps ensure linguistic and scientific accuracy. Not to mention a great way to impress superior officers and amaze less-informed observers.”
“Really?” Tendi asked eagerly. “What is it?”
“Simple. All one has to do is…” Rutherford smiled spreading his arms wide. “Give ‘em the old techno-babble. Techno-babble ‘em!” He casually twirled a decoupler around his finger. “Break into that distinct vernacular! And folks will think that you’re spectacular!”
“Ooooh!” Tendi marveled.
“Give 'em the old cyber-blather! One and zero 'em!” Rutherford grinned removing a burned-out computer circuit. “Who can deny not being in the know?”
“Obviously those with too much ego and not enough humility,” Tendi commented. “In other words, just about every supervisory official in existence.”
“There is no problem, mess or matter! That can’t be solved with tech palaver!” Rutherford beamed proudly. “Techno-babble 'em! And you’ll look like a pro!”
“That’s fine as long as one really is a professional,” Tendi said. “It’s not like there are a bunch of unknown actors out there who simply pretend to be serious Starfleet scientists and engineers.”
“Give 'em the old techno-babble! Techno-babble 'em!” Rutherford sang as he worked. “Make your speech sound complex and lyrical! As you work to pull off a miracle!”
“Oh, good idea,” Tendi chirped. “Hope I get the opportunity to try that myself someday.”
“Give 'em the old mumbo-jumbo! Awe and amaze 'em!” Rutherford smiled as his padd’s diagnostic readouts suddenly lit up like a Christmas tree. “Should the impossible rear up its head!”
“Uh oh,” Tendi gulped as several warning alarms began to blare.
“Toss acronyms and buzz words around! Until a kooky answer is found!” Rutherford grinned doing so. “Techno-babble 'em! And you won’t end up dead!”
“Always a good thing,” Tendi nodded as the alarms ceased and the diagnostic lights returned to normal.
“Give 'em the old gobbledygook! Daze and dizzy 'em!” Rutherford sang and began to dance around. “Reel off some fancy terminology! To appear a whiz with technology!”
“Wow!” Tendi oohed at her friend’s behavior.
“Give 'em the old jibber-jabber! Stun and stagger 'em!” Rutherford smiled skipping about. “When all seems doomed and there’s no other way!”
“Oh no!” Tendi dramatically mock-gasped.
“Keep the tech-jargon sharp and intense! Though it may sound like utter nonsense!” Rutherford grinned striking a pose. “Techno-babble 'em! And you’ll help save the day!”
“Yay!” Tendi cheered jumping up and grabbing Rutherford’s hand.
“Give 'em the old techno-babble! Techno-babble 'em!” Rutherford smiled twirling about with Tendi. “Leave your audience suitably impressed!”
“Wheeeeee!” Tendi giggled happily.
“Spout exotic parlance with a twist! To prove you’re a Starfleet specialist!” Rutherford grinned knowingly. “Techno-babble 'em!”
“Techno-babble 'em!” Tendi echoed.
“Techno-babble 'em!” Rutherford beamed proudly as the two ensigns raised their linked arms in triumph. “AND THEY’LL THINK YOU’RE THE BEEEEEESSST!”
“What the *bleep* are you two ensigns doing?” Doctor T’Ana shouted standing nearby. “Tendi, come with me.” T’Ana pointed at Rutherford. “You, quit making that racket and get back to work!”
“Yes, sir!” Rutherford chirped and cheerfully returned to the repairs.
“There is one problem no amount of fancy techno-babble can solve,” T’Ana grumbled walking away with Tendi. “How to stop certain Starfleet officers from acting like lunatics!”
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Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek: Lower Decks or the song “Razzle Dazzle”.
