Originally posted on fanfiction.net - Link.
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Break Some Regs
“Ah, another day, another duty assignment,” Boimler smiled closing his upper uniform flap. “Nothing like waking up to a new day full of potential new adventures and opportunities. A chance to improve oneself and build character by experiencing new wonders and challenges. A chance to make one’s life, one’s ship and the galaxy itself a better place…
“Hey there, Boims!” Mariner greeted cheekily. “Look at us. The Winner and the Weasel together again!”
“…tossed right out the airlock,” Boimler sighed dejectedly. “Well, it was nice while it lasted.”
“Enough with the pity party, Boims,” Mariner waved. “Ready to join me on a little unofficial expedition?”
“Oh no, don’t even think about it,” Boimler said backing away. “I’m not getting involved in another one of your wild, unauthorized schemes. Besides, I couldn’t join you even if I wanted to. I’ve been assigned to the away team beaming down to update and repair the network of aqueducts on Dessica II.”
“Not anymore,” Mariner informed. “The local Dessica government is going through a little crisis at the moment. Everything has ground to a halt due to planetary budget and jurisdiction disputes so the whole aqueduct repair project is on hold.
“What?” Boimler gasped. “But I was looking forward to tailoring the complex calculations of fluid dynamics to Dessica II’s ecosystem. And adding another stop to my visited planets list.”
“Hey, relax Boims. Don’t get your Starfleet-issue undies in a twist,” Mariner said. “You can still visit the planet. By doing so with me off-the-record…”
“No way. Forget it,” Boimler declared. “Every time you drag me along on one of your crazy, maverick machinations we end up breaking regulations and nearly getting court-martialed!”
“No we don’t,” Mariner refuted. “That’s just a statistical misrepresentation.”
“Are you kidding?” Boimler yelped giving her a look. “The past year alone you’ve spent a total of five solid weeks sitting in the Brig!”
“Five, six, seven, eight!” Mariner quipped proudly making tally marks in the air.
“It’s nothing to boast about,” Boimler scolded. “Unless you’re trying to set a record of becoming the Most Undisciplined Starfleet Officer in History!”
“Eh, I already did that a long time ago. Why mess with what works?” Mariner smiled tossing an arm around her fellow ensign’s shoulders. “Come on Boims, why don’t we paint the town?” She wiggled her eyebrows suggestively. “And break some regs.”
“Huh?” Boimler looked at her in confusion.
“I’m gonna roll my sleeves and sneakily beam down,” Mariner elaborated. “To break some regs!”
“No!” Boimler refused and attempted to get away.
“Don’t be dull! I know a trendy spot! Where the ale is cold and the bloodwine’s hot!” Mariner grinned. “Where there’s a nightly dance! And almost certain chance! To break some regs!”
“No…aaaccckkk!” Boimler yelped as Mariner swiftly removed his combadge before dragging him down the corridor.
“Let’s break some regs!” Mariner chanted.
“Leggo!” Boimler cried. “Save me!”
“Let’s break some regs!” Mariner repeated.
“Help, Security!” Boimler wailed as Mariner hauled him into Transporter Room One. “I’ve being kidnapped! Or being taken hostage! Possibly both!”
“Huh?” Chief Lundy blinked at their sudden arrival. “What the devil…?”
“Shoot to stun and wipe the logs quickly!” Mariner cackled whipping out a phaser and quickly stunning Lundy into unconsciousness. “To break some regs!”
“What the?!” Boimler gaped at Mariner in shock. “Are you crazy? What am I saying?”
“To ensure plausible deniability!” Mariner quickly shoved Lundy’s limp body aside and manipulated the transporter controls. “While breaking regs!”
“But not with me!” Boimler shouted making a desperate bolt for the exit.
“Hold on, Boims! We’re gonna go AWOL!” Mariner chanted grabbing Boimler before tossing him back onto the transporter pad. “Since we’ll be flaunting rules, might as well flaunt ‘em all!”
“What?!” Boimler cried.
“With shifting paradigm! This is the perfect time!” Mariner crowed and ran over to the pad just as the transporter quickly whisked them both away. “To break some regs!”
“Ahhh!” Boimler yelped as the two ensigns rematerialized onto a seedy-looking frontier street. A loud, rowdy bar stood opposite an open landing area containing half a dozen large personal shuttles. “Oh man. When I said I wanted to visit Dessica II, I certainly didn’t mean like this!”
“Hahahahaha!” Mariner cackled sauntering into the bar full of questionably-reputable patrons. “Ditch your qualms and drum up an excuse!” She casually grabbed a half-empty stein before pouring it over an unsuspecting Lurian’s head. “To break some regs!”
“Hey!” The Lurian yelped angrily. He swung a punch at a ducking Mariner only to end up hitting a passing Chalnoth instead.
“Arrrggghhh, my lingta-zabu smoothie!” The Chalnoth roared at his spilled drink. He immediately pulled out a large knife. “Die!”
“Oh no,” Boimler moaned as the bar quickly erupted into full, all-out brawl. “Not again!”
“Make a mess and let the chaos loose!” Mariner grinned wadding in and out among the fray. “And break some regs!”
“More like broken legs,” Boimler gulped watching from the doorway. “Especially for a Edosian.”
“Come on, Boims! We’re gonna make a scene!” Mariner smiled dashing out of the bar waving a set of access chips. “The biggest bruhaha that there has ever been!”
“Huh?” Boimler gasped in surprise. “Where did you get those? Why did you get those? On second thought, don’t tell me. I don’t want to know!”
“Hey! Those are mine!” Half a dozen large, burly patrons shouted chasing after them. “The Starfleeters are thieves! Get them!”
“Yikes!” Boimler blanched running after Mariner. “Help! Wait for me!”
“Cast all your doubts aside!” Mariner smiled leading Boimler to one of the larger shuttles parked in the nearby landing area using the corresponding ‘borrowed’ access chip. “And just enjoy the ride! And break…” Mariner swiftly slid into the pilot’s seat and shoved Boimler into another. “…some…” She quickly fired up the engines. “…regs!”
“Oh no…aaahhhhhh!” Boimler cried as the shuttlecraft swiftly rose up and took off like a bat out of heck.
“MY SHIP!” An enraged Antican howled waving his fist at them. “AAAGGGHHHHHH!”
“Yaaahhh! Look out!” Boimler yelped as Mariner weaved in and out among the few tall buildings dotting Dessica II. “Gahhh, this is insane! Though it’s still nowhere as terrifying as having Tendi as a pilot…”
“Ohhh, it takes a crazy mix of smarts and chops!” Mariner cackled zooming over the landscape. “To break some regs!”
“Aaahhhhhh, this is nuts!” Boimler moaned clutching his seat. “Beaming down to a potentially hostile planet without permission, starting a local bar fight, being an unwilling accomplice to theft, grand larceny, reckless flying. Things can’t get any worse!”
“Unidentified vessel,” A pair of local law enforcement atmospheric craft suddenly appeared on the sensors. “You are in violation of Dessica flight regulations. Shut down your engines and land now or we will open fire.”
“I was wrong,” Boimler blanched. “Things definitely got worse!”
“Ohhh, the stellar madness maelstrom never stops!” Mariner laughed maniacally gunning the engines. “While breaking regs!”
ZZZAAAPPP! ZZZAAAPPP! ZZZAAAPPP!
“Haaauuuhhhhhh!” Boimler screamed as the law enforcement craft opened fire on them.
“Wheeen, acting out with guts and guile!” Mariner sang throwing the shuttle into a series of bizarre and reckless maneuvers. “Theeen, ya better do so in style!”
“Just don’t try to have us die,” Boimler whimpered.
“While break…” Mariner grinned skimming across the planet surface. “…ing…” She aimed the shuttle towards a large, incoming storm front. “…regs!”
CCCRRRAAAAAACCCKKKKKK!
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
WHOOOOOOSSSHHH!
“Yaaahhhhhh!” Boimler shrieked as wind, thunder and lightning shook the shuttle’s interior.
ZZZAAAPPP! ZZZAAAPPP! ZZZAAAPPP!
“Yeah!” Mariner cackled avoiding incoming lighting and weapons strikes by mere meters. “Break some regs!”
“You’re breaking enough stuff already!” Boimler moaned as a small fleet of shuttles belonging to the crowd of angry bar patrons appeared and joined in the chase. “Like my career, my sanity, my remaining will to live…”
“Come on, Boims! No need to whine and pout!” Mariner smiled as she continued to outrun and outmaneuver their pursuers.
“Ohhh, why do these things always happen to me?” Boimler wailed in counterpoint.
“While breaking regs!” Both of them shouted.
ZZZAAAPPP! ZZZAAAPPP! ZZZAAAPPP!
“This is what being Lower Decks is all about!” Mariner declared laughing maniacally.
“Ohhh, I can’t take much more of this lunacy!” Boimler cried.
“While breaking regs!” Mariner and Boimler respectively sang in euphoria and despair.
CCCRRRAAAAAACCCKKKKKK!
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
“Making use of one’s unique skill set!” Mariner boasted sending the shuttle into a barrel roll.
“Ohhh, this is rattling my brain!” Boimler twitched.
“If you think this is wild, you ain’t seen nothing yet!” Mariner grinned.
“Ohhh, I’m being driven insane!” Boimler yelped with his knuckles turning white.
“As we embrace the crush and adrenaline rush!” Mariner smiled as the stolen shuttle shook and sparked dangerously.
“It is clear! Our doom is here!” Boimler shrieked.
“From breaking regs!” The two ensigns shouted.
ZZZAAAPPP! ZZZAAAPPP! ZZZAAAPPP!
“Ohhh, while full of strife!” Mariner grinned wickedly firing up the shuttle’s weapons array.
“This shuttle has weapons?! Boimler gawked in surprise. “Wait! What are you doing?! Stop! STOP!”
“Man, I love my life!” Mariner cackled taking aim.
“NOOOOOOOOO!” Boimler screamed.
KA-BOOOOOOM!
“WHILE BREEEAAAAAAK…” Mariner whooped firing on an upcoming, blocked-up water channel. “…IIINNNGGG…” The superheated water immediately turned to steam, creating a vast cloud bank. “…REEEEEEEEEGGGS!”
“Waaahhhhhh!” Boimler cried as the resulting fog confused the pursuing vessels’ sensors and caused them all to crash into each other.
“Yeah!” Mariner crowed in triumph. “Break regs!”
“And so begins another Mariner-led day of ignoring Starfleet rules, regulations and protocols,” Boimler groaned covering his eyes. “If only following and obeying regulations was considered the rule instead of the exception!”
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Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek: Lower Decks or the song “All That Jazz”.
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Break Some Regs
“Ah, another day, another duty assignment,” Boimler smiled closing his upper uniform flap. “Nothing like waking up to a new day full of potential new adventures and opportunities. A chance to improve oneself and build character by experiencing new wonders and challenges. A chance to make one’s life, one’s ship and the galaxy itself a better place…
“Hey there, Boims!” Mariner greeted cheekily. “Look at us. The Winner and the Weasel together again!”
“…tossed right out the airlock,” Boimler sighed dejectedly. “Well, it was nice while it lasted.”
“Enough with the pity party, Boims,” Mariner waved. “Ready to join me on a little unofficial expedition?”
“Oh no, don’t even think about it,” Boimler said backing away. “I’m not getting involved in another one of your wild, unauthorized schemes. Besides, I couldn’t join you even if I wanted to. I’ve been assigned to the away team beaming down to update and repair the network of aqueducts on Dessica II.”
“Not anymore,” Mariner informed. “The local Dessica government is going through a little crisis at the moment. Everything has ground to a halt due to planetary budget and jurisdiction disputes so the whole aqueduct repair project is on hold.
“What?” Boimler gasped. “But I was looking forward to tailoring the complex calculations of fluid dynamics to Dessica II’s ecosystem. And adding another stop to my visited planets list.”
“Hey, relax Boims. Don’t get your Starfleet-issue undies in a twist,” Mariner said. “You can still visit the planet. By doing so with me off-the-record…”
“No way. Forget it,” Boimler declared. “Every time you drag me along on one of your crazy, maverick machinations we end up breaking regulations and nearly getting court-martialed!”
“No we don’t,” Mariner refuted. “That’s just a statistical misrepresentation.”
“Are you kidding?” Boimler yelped giving her a look. “The past year alone you’ve spent a total of five solid weeks sitting in the Brig!”
“Five, six, seven, eight!” Mariner quipped proudly making tally marks in the air.
“It’s nothing to boast about,” Boimler scolded. “Unless you’re trying to set a record of becoming the Most Undisciplined Starfleet Officer in History!”
“Eh, I already did that a long time ago. Why mess with what works?” Mariner smiled tossing an arm around her fellow ensign’s shoulders. “Come on Boims, why don’t we paint the town?” She wiggled her eyebrows suggestively. “And break some regs.”
“Huh?” Boimler looked at her in confusion.
“I’m gonna roll my sleeves and sneakily beam down,” Mariner elaborated. “To break some regs!”
“No!” Boimler refused and attempted to get away.
“Don’t be dull! I know a trendy spot! Where the ale is cold and the bloodwine’s hot!” Mariner grinned. “Where there’s a nightly dance! And almost certain chance! To break some regs!”
“No…aaaccckkk!” Boimler yelped as Mariner swiftly removed his combadge before dragging him down the corridor.
“Let’s break some regs!” Mariner chanted.
“Leggo!” Boimler cried. “Save me!”
“Let’s break some regs!” Mariner repeated.
“Help, Security!” Boimler wailed as Mariner hauled him into Transporter Room One. “I’ve being kidnapped! Or being taken hostage! Possibly both!”
“Huh?” Chief Lundy blinked at their sudden arrival. “What the devil…?”
“Shoot to stun and wipe the logs quickly!” Mariner cackled whipping out a phaser and quickly stunning Lundy into unconsciousness. “To break some regs!”
“What the?!” Boimler gaped at Mariner in shock. “Are you crazy? What am I saying?”
“To ensure plausible deniability!” Mariner quickly shoved Lundy’s limp body aside and manipulated the transporter controls. “While breaking regs!”
“But not with me!” Boimler shouted making a desperate bolt for the exit.
“Hold on, Boims! We’re gonna go AWOL!” Mariner chanted grabbing Boimler before tossing him back onto the transporter pad. “Since we’ll be flaunting rules, might as well flaunt ‘em all!”
“What?!” Boimler cried.
“With shifting paradigm! This is the perfect time!” Mariner crowed and ran over to the pad just as the transporter quickly whisked them both away. “To break some regs!”
“Ahhh!” Boimler yelped as the two ensigns rematerialized onto a seedy-looking frontier street. A loud, rowdy bar stood opposite an open landing area containing half a dozen large personal shuttles. “Oh man. When I said I wanted to visit Dessica II, I certainly didn’t mean like this!”
“Hahahahaha!” Mariner cackled sauntering into the bar full of questionably-reputable patrons. “Ditch your qualms and drum up an excuse!” She casually grabbed a half-empty stein before pouring it over an unsuspecting Lurian’s head. “To break some regs!”
“Hey!” The Lurian yelped angrily. He swung a punch at a ducking Mariner only to end up hitting a passing Chalnoth instead.
“Arrrggghhh, my lingta-zabu smoothie!” The Chalnoth roared at his spilled drink. He immediately pulled out a large knife. “Die!”
“Oh no,” Boimler moaned as the bar quickly erupted into full, all-out brawl. “Not again!”
“Make a mess and let the chaos loose!” Mariner grinned wadding in and out among the fray. “And break some regs!”
“More like broken legs,” Boimler gulped watching from the doorway. “Especially for a Edosian.”
“Come on, Boims! We’re gonna make a scene!” Mariner smiled dashing out of the bar waving a set of access chips. “The biggest bruhaha that there has ever been!”
“Huh?” Boimler gasped in surprise. “Where did you get those? Why did you get those? On second thought, don’t tell me. I don’t want to know!”
“Hey! Those are mine!” Half a dozen large, burly patrons shouted chasing after them. “The Starfleeters are thieves! Get them!”
“Yikes!” Boimler blanched running after Mariner. “Help! Wait for me!”
“Cast all your doubts aside!” Mariner smiled leading Boimler to one of the larger shuttles parked in the nearby landing area using the corresponding ‘borrowed’ access chip. “And just enjoy the ride! And break…” Mariner swiftly slid into the pilot’s seat and shoved Boimler into another. “…some…” She quickly fired up the engines. “…regs!”
“Oh no…aaahhhhhh!” Boimler cried as the shuttlecraft swiftly rose up and took off like a bat out of heck.
“MY SHIP!” An enraged Antican howled waving his fist at them. “AAAGGGHHHHHH!”
“Yaaahhh! Look out!” Boimler yelped as Mariner weaved in and out among the few tall buildings dotting Dessica II. “Gahhh, this is insane! Though it’s still nowhere as terrifying as having Tendi as a pilot…”
“Ohhh, it takes a crazy mix of smarts and chops!” Mariner cackled zooming over the landscape. “To break some regs!”
“Aaahhhhhh, this is nuts!” Boimler moaned clutching his seat. “Beaming down to a potentially hostile planet without permission, starting a local bar fight, being an unwilling accomplice to theft, grand larceny, reckless flying. Things can’t get any worse!”
“Unidentified vessel,” A pair of local law enforcement atmospheric craft suddenly appeared on the sensors. “You are in violation of Dessica flight regulations. Shut down your engines and land now or we will open fire.”
“I was wrong,” Boimler blanched. “Things definitely got worse!”
“Ohhh, the stellar madness maelstrom never stops!” Mariner laughed maniacally gunning the engines. “While breaking regs!”
ZZZAAAPPP! ZZZAAAPPP! ZZZAAAPPP!
“Haaauuuhhhhhh!” Boimler screamed as the law enforcement craft opened fire on them.
“Wheeen, acting out with guts and guile!” Mariner sang throwing the shuttle into a series of bizarre and reckless maneuvers. “Theeen, ya better do so in style!”
“Just don’t try to have us die,” Boimler whimpered.
“While break…” Mariner grinned skimming across the planet surface. “…ing…” She aimed the shuttle towards a large, incoming storm front. “…regs!”
CCCRRRAAAAAACCCKKKKKK!
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
WHOOOOOOSSSHHH!
“Yaaahhhhhh!” Boimler shrieked as wind, thunder and lightning shook the shuttle’s interior.
ZZZAAAPPP! ZZZAAAPPP! ZZZAAAPPP!
“Yeah!” Mariner cackled avoiding incoming lighting and weapons strikes by mere meters. “Break some regs!”
“You’re breaking enough stuff already!” Boimler moaned as a small fleet of shuttles belonging to the crowd of angry bar patrons appeared and joined in the chase. “Like my career, my sanity, my remaining will to live…”
“Come on, Boims! No need to whine and pout!” Mariner smiled as she continued to outrun and outmaneuver their pursuers.
“Ohhh, why do these things always happen to me?” Boimler wailed in counterpoint.
“While breaking regs!” Both of them shouted.
ZZZAAAPPP! ZZZAAAPPP! ZZZAAAPPP!
“This is what being Lower Decks is all about!” Mariner declared laughing maniacally.
“Ohhh, I can’t take much more of this lunacy!” Boimler cried.
“While breaking regs!” Mariner and Boimler respectively sang in euphoria and despair.
CCCRRRAAAAAACCCKKKKKK!
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
“Making use of one’s unique skill set!” Mariner boasted sending the shuttle into a barrel roll.
“Ohhh, this is rattling my brain!” Boimler twitched.
“If you think this is wild, you ain’t seen nothing yet!” Mariner grinned.
“Ohhh, I’m being driven insane!” Boimler yelped with his knuckles turning white.
“As we embrace the crush and adrenaline rush!” Mariner smiled as the stolen shuttle shook and sparked dangerously.
“It is clear! Our doom is here!” Boimler shrieked.
“From breaking regs!” The two ensigns shouted.
ZZZAAAPPP! ZZZAAAPPP! ZZZAAAPPP!
“Ohhh, while full of strife!” Mariner grinned wickedly firing up the shuttle’s weapons array.
“This shuttle has weapons?! Boimler gawked in surprise. “Wait! What are you doing?! Stop! STOP!”
“Man, I love my life!” Mariner cackled taking aim.
“NOOOOOOOOO!” Boimler screamed.
KA-BOOOOOOM!
“WHILE BREEEAAAAAAK…” Mariner whooped firing on an upcoming, blocked-up water channel. “…IIINNNGGG…” The superheated water immediately turned to steam, creating a vast cloud bank. “…REEEEEEEEEGGGS!”
“Waaahhhhhh!” Boimler cried as the resulting fog confused the pursuing vessels’ sensors and caused them all to crash into each other.
“Yeah!” Mariner crowed in triumph. “Break regs!”
“And so begins another Mariner-led day of ignoring Starfleet rules, regulations and protocols,” Boimler groaned covering his eyes. “If only following and obeying regulations was considered the rule instead of the exception!”
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Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek: Lower Decks or the song “All That Jazz”.
