Originally posted on fanfiction.net - Link.
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The Cerritos
“Ah, there’s nothing like listening to the steady hum of the warp core to help one relax,” Tendi smiled serenely while leaning against one of the catwalk railings in Engineering. “Fusion reactor vibrations are nice, but they just don’t have the same soothing rumble to them.”
“Commander Billups! We have a big problem here, sir!” Lieutenant junior-grade Cody shouted stumbling out from an equipment locker. “Some kind of alien morphogenic computer virus has invaded the ship! It’s infecting our hardware and mutating all the opti-cables into neuro-synthetic muscular tissues!”
“Again?” Billups blinked as various tools and consoles began to autonomously move about and attack the crew. “I thought I told you people to stop downloading unknown, unvetted computer programs over subspace!”
“Well, guess that’s enough buffer time scanning for dangerous radiation levels,” Tendi sighed. “There shouldn’t be any immediate need for Medical services around here.”
“Isolate the main computer!” Billups ordered while defending himself from the infected warp diagnostic panel. “We have to neutralize the virus and keep it from creating any sleeper copies of itself inside the ship’s secondary processors! Especially the isolinear cores!”
“HELP!” Lieutenant Merp screamed while set upon by a vicious pack of tricorders. “THEY’RE GOING TO EAT ME!”
“Boy, I’m glad I transferred here from Outpost 79,” Tendi grinned descending the catwalk. “There’s nothing like serving aboard an exciting, awesome ship like the Cerritos!” She smiled and casually began making her way around the warp core. “Oh, the Cerritos is warping through the vastness of space! With the nacelles humming and the injectors thrumming with grace!”
RUMMMBLE!
“Yikes!” Billups yelped as the ship shook violently. “Oh great, the inertial dampers still have stray icoberry sprinkles in them!”
“Watching the hot, drive plasma flow!” Tendi smiled exiting Engineering. “Engage! Warp me! Take us out! Do it! Make it so!”
“AAAGGGHHH! YEOWWW! WHRRZZZ! PHIZZZ!” The crowd of panicking engineers yelled as they struggled with the mob of rogue Starfleet equipment.
“Oh, the Cerritos is a grand old classy starship!” Tendi chirped happily skipping down the corridor. “With a crew and captain with character ready to rip!”
“Yayayayaya!” Ensigns Ross and Volis shouted as they blindly anbo-jyutsued past her in full gear.
“Morale is high! Mistakes are low!” Tendi sang. “So, engage! Warp me! Take us out! Do it! Make it so!”
“Ow!” Ensign Fletcher yelped working on an open access panel. “Oooh, you stupid plasma relay! I hate you!” He began banging on it with a spanner. “DIE!”
“The crew is space-tested, well rested! Ready for a mission!” Tendi continued cheerfully. “Ship in great condition for the day! Yay!”
CRASH!
“Oops,” Ensign Vendome gulped at the large hole he had made in a bulkhead. “My bad!”
“Oh, the Cerritos is heading to Gamma Tau B!” Tendi smiled gazing out a large viewport watching the stars streak by. “To assist setting up a new Federation colony!”
“AGGGHHH!” An EVA suit-clad Lieutenant Levy cried clinging to the outer hull. “SOMEBODY LET ME BACK IN! THIS ISN’T FUNNY! HELP!”
“Two light-years down! Sixteen more to go!” Tendi moved on not noticing Levy’s plight. “So, engage! Warp me! Take us out! Do it! Make it so!”
“Wahhh! Security!” Ensign Mendell wailed while desperately attempting to escape from a nearby biolab. “The Edosian orchid-Vulcan sucker vine hybrid I’ve developed has taken me hostage!”
“Exploring new frontiers, far and near! In the name of Science!” Tendi beamed. “In a grand alliance of species! Wheeee!”
Tendi’s padd suddenly beeped prompting her to glance at it. “Ah, an assignment to bring a load of stuff to Sickbay!” She quickly made her way to Cargo Bay Three. “Got to make it fast and deliver it without any delay!”
“Here you go, Ensign,” The cargo master handed her a manifest padd while indicating a heavily loaded anti-grav lift. “Feel free to double-check the contents.”
“Everything logged down to the kilo!” Tendi performed a swift inspection of the anti-grav’s contents. “So, engage! Warp me! Take us out! Do it! Make it so!” She grinning wildly and raced out of the cargo bay while laughing maniacally. “Engage! Warp me! Take us out! Do it! Make it so!”
“AAAUUUGGGHHH!” Crewpersons frantically dived out of the way as Tendi zoomed through the ship’s corridors with the anti-grav. “Ow, my knee! Aghhh, help me! She’s on the loose again! That crazy, scary driver full of doom!”
BOOM!
“Hahahahaha!” Tendi cackled as one of bulkhead panels she had collided with exploded. “Oh, the Cerritos is such a fun place to be!”
“Hmmm?” Nurse Westlake looked up as Tendi and the overloaded anti-grav zipped into Sickbay. “Doc, the supplies are here along with Ensign Tendi.”
“‘Bout time, Tendi,” Doctor T’Ana grumbled stepping out her office. “What’d you bring us today?”
“Analyzers? Neural calipers? More hyposprays?” Other nurses and medtechs asked gathering around them.
Tendi grinned and began happily showing off the collapsed anti-grav’s contents. “Cytoplasmic stimulators! Vascular regenerators! Terakine and anesthizine for pain!”
“Oooh,” A young, injured Bajoran lieutenant moaned stumbling into Sickbay. “Help me…”
“Sterile specimen containers! Some slightly used stasis chambers!” Tendi went on cheerfully. “And an artificial Tympanic membrane!”
“I could certainly use one of those,” Westlake winced. “Especially after listening to all this.”
“IP probes for dermatopsies! Exoscalpels for autopsies!” Tendi continued to unload various medical supplies. “Monitors to aid with nurses’ rounds!”
“Speaking of which,” The Bajoran lieutenant groaned flopping onto a biobed. “Can somebody please help me? I’m kind of bleeding here…”
“More cellular micro-sutures to ensure our patients’ futures!” Tendi opened a compact container and held up its contents. “Along with cute Toby the Targ medical gowns!”
“What? Who ordered that?” T’Ana snapped at the bright, decorated garments. “This is an outrage! I specifically requisitioned sehlat-themed medical gowns!”
“Hehehehehe!” Tendi giggled waltzing out of Sickbay.
“Whew, I finally finished recalibrating all the induction modulators,” Rutherford popped out from a nearby Jefferies tube. “Now to remodulate the calibration inductors…”
“Wheee!” Tendi laughed skipping up to him. “If your tech is acting absurd! Best have it looked at by Ensign Sam Rutherford!”
“Uh, thanks?” Rutherford blinked at her in confusion.
“With his brain part cybernetic, he’s so kind and energetic! Every conduit and relay he’ll align!” Tendi sang twirling around. “And I'm glad to say he's a very good friend of mine!”
“Awww, thanks Tendi,” Rutherford beamed. “You’re a good friend too! Want to grab some lunch?”
“Yeah!” Tendi cheered as they headed for the Mess Hall. She waved and greeted fellow crewmates as they entered. “Hi there! Enjoying replicated fare?” Tendi leaned over to warn a doubled-over Lieutenant Commander Stevens. “Beware! Of the chili’s side effects!”
“Now she tells me,” Stevens moaned clutching his stomach. “Ohhh!”
“I swear! No other job can compare!” Tendi smiled moving on. “With serving among Starfleet’s lower decks!”
“If you say so,” Rutherford shrugged heading for the line of replicators.
“Come on, why isn’t this working?” Boimler pouted poking at a panel. “I inserted the Senior Officer access card. I should be able to access all the good replicator programs now.”
“For the last time, there’s no such thing as a Senior Officer access card,” Mariner rolled her eyes standing next to him. “I just made that up and handed you a blank isolinear chip to make you feel better.”
“You what?!” Boimler yelped. “Arrrgggh! Not again!”
“Here’s a pair of command ensigns!” Tendi smiled gesturing at her quarreling crewmates. “Each with character of multiple dimensions!”
“That’s one way to put it,” Rutherford remarked.
“You liar!” Boimler accused. “Ferengi scrap peddlers are more honest than you!”
“Flattery will get you nowhere,” Mariner waved. “Just like that bogus access card.”
“Organized, prudent Brad Boimler! Wild, free spirit Beckett Mariner! Different sides of Starfleet’s shifting paradigm!” Tendi grinned ordering a Samarian sunset at the bar. “And I'm glad to say they are very good friends and are friends of mine!”
“Mine too…huh?” Rutherford blinked as the Mess Hall’s replicators began to twitch and rumble ominously. “What the…?”
“Yikes!” Boimler yelped as every replicator suddenly broke free from their stations. “Aaahhh!”
“Whoa!” Mariner blinked as the infected replicators flailed broken lines of opti-cable around and began randomly roaming about the room spewing food. “I’ve heard of meals on the go, but this is ridiculous!”
“Oh, other crews may go where no one has gone before!” Tendi smiled as the rampaging replicators proceeded to run amok. “But there’s one starship they dismiss and too often ignore!”
“Look out! It’s a replicator uprising!” Ensign Casey yelled before being covered in dill pickle brine. “Yuck! Bleah!”
“Who is the gal whom we love to toast?” Tendi grinned raising her glass. “The Cerritos, the Cerritos, the Cerritos!”
“Sound Red Alert! Sound Red Alert!” Captain Freeman’s voice boomed over the ship’s intercom.
“The Cerritos!” Tendi smiled and sipped her drink while her crewmates continued to fight for their lives against the pack of virus-inflected replicators. “Here’s to you, old girl! Cheers!”
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Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek: Lower Decks or the song “The Deadwood Stage (Whip-Crack-Away)”.
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The Cerritos
“Ah, there’s nothing like listening to the steady hum of the warp core to help one relax,” Tendi smiled serenely while leaning against one of the catwalk railings in Engineering. “Fusion reactor vibrations are nice, but they just don’t have the same soothing rumble to them.”
“Commander Billups! We have a big problem here, sir!” Lieutenant junior-grade Cody shouted stumbling out from an equipment locker. “Some kind of alien morphogenic computer virus has invaded the ship! It’s infecting our hardware and mutating all the opti-cables into neuro-synthetic muscular tissues!”
“Again?” Billups blinked as various tools and consoles began to autonomously move about and attack the crew. “I thought I told you people to stop downloading unknown, unvetted computer programs over subspace!”
“Well, guess that’s enough buffer time scanning for dangerous radiation levels,” Tendi sighed. “There shouldn’t be any immediate need for Medical services around here.”
“Isolate the main computer!” Billups ordered while defending himself from the infected warp diagnostic panel. “We have to neutralize the virus and keep it from creating any sleeper copies of itself inside the ship’s secondary processors! Especially the isolinear cores!”
“HELP!” Lieutenant Merp screamed while set upon by a vicious pack of tricorders. “THEY’RE GOING TO EAT ME!”
“Boy, I’m glad I transferred here from Outpost 79,” Tendi grinned descending the catwalk. “There’s nothing like serving aboard an exciting, awesome ship like the Cerritos!” She smiled and casually began making her way around the warp core. “Oh, the Cerritos is warping through the vastness of space! With the nacelles humming and the injectors thrumming with grace!”
RUMMMBLE!
“Yikes!” Billups yelped as the ship shook violently. “Oh great, the inertial dampers still have stray icoberry sprinkles in them!”
“Watching the hot, drive plasma flow!” Tendi smiled exiting Engineering. “Engage! Warp me! Take us out! Do it! Make it so!”
“AAAGGGHHH! YEOWWW! WHRRZZZ! PHIZZZ!” The crowd of panicking engineers yelled as they struggled with the mob of rogue Starfleet equipment.
“Oh, the Cerritos is a grand old classy starship!” Tendi chirped happily skipping down the corridor. “With a crew and captain with character ready to rip!”
“Yayayayaya!” Ensigns Ross and Volis shouted as they blindly anbo-jyutsued past her in full gear.
“Morale is high! Mistakes are low!” Tendi sang. “So, engage! Warp me! Take us out! Do it! Make it so!”
“Ow!” Ensign Fletcher yelped working on an open access panel. “Oooh, you stupid plasma relay! I hate you!” He began banging on it with a spanner. “DIE!”
“The crew is space-tested, well rested! Ready for a mission!” Tendi continued cheerfully. “Ship in great condition for the day! Yay!”
CRASH!
“Oops,” Ensign Vendome gulped at the large hole he had made in a bulkhead. “My bad!”
“Oh, the Cerritos is heading to Gamma Tau B!” Tendi smiled gazing out a large viewport watching the stars streak by. “To assist setting up a new Federation colony!”
“AGGGHHH!” An EVA suit-clad Lieutenant Levy cried clinging to the outer hull. “SOMEBODY LET ME BACK IN! THIS ISN’T FUNNY! HELP!”
“Two light-years down! Sixteen more to go!” Tendi moved on not noticing Levy’s plight. “So, engage! Warp me! Take us out! Do it! Make it so!”
“Wahhh! Security!” Ensign Mendell wailed while desperately attempting to escape from a nearby biolab. “The Edosian orchid-Vulcan sucker vine hybrid I’ve developed has taken me hostage!”
“Exploring new frontiers, far and near! In the name of Science!” Tendi beamed. “In a grand alliance of species! Wheeee!”
Tendi’s padd suddenly beeped prompting her to glance at it. “Ah, an assignment to bring a load of stuff to Sickbay!” She quickly made her way to Cargo Bay Three. “Got to make it fast and deliver it without any delay!”
“Here you go, Ensign,” The cargo master handed her a manifest padd while indicating a heavily loaded anti-grav lift. “Feel free to double-check the contents.”
“Everything logged down to the kilo!” Tendi performed a swift inspection of the anti-grav’s contents. “So, engage! Warp me! Take us out! Do it! Make it so!” She grinning wildly and raced out of the cargo bay while laughing maniacally. “Engage! Warp me! Take us out! Do it! Make it so!”
“AAAUUUGGGHHH!” Crewpersons frantically dived out of the way as Tendi zoomed through the ship’s corridors with the anti-grav. “Ow, my knee! Aghhh, help me! She’s on the loose again! That crazy, scary driver full of doom!”
BOOM!
“Hahahahaha!” Tendi cackled as one of bulkhead panels she had collided with exploded. “Oh, the Cerritos is such a fun place to be!”
“Hmmm?” Nurse Westlake looked up as Tendi and the overloaded anti-grav zipped into Sickbay. “Doc, the supplies are here along with Ensign Tendi.”
“‘Bout time, Tendi,” Doctor T’Ana grumbled stepping out her office. “What’d you bring us today?”
“Analyzers? Neural calipers? More hyposprays?” Other nurses and medtechs asked gathering around them.
Tendi grinned and began happily showing off the collapsed anti-grav’s contents. “Cytoplasmic stimulators! Vascular regenerators! Terakine and anesthizine for pain!”
“Oooh,” A young, injured Bajoran lieutenant moaned stumbling into Sickbay. “Help me…”
“Sterile specimen containers! Some slightly used stasis chambers!” Tendi went on cheerfully. “And an artificial Tympanic membrane!”
“I could certainly use one of those,” Westlake winced. “Especially after listening to all this.”
“IP probes for dermatopsies! Exoscalpels for autopsies!” Tendi continued to unload various medical supplies. “Monitors to aid with nurses’ rounds!”
“Speaking of which,” The Bajoran lieutenant groaned flopping onto a biobed. “Can somebody please help me? I’m kind of bleeding here…”
“More cellular micro-sutures to ensure our patients’ futures!” Tendi opened a compact container and held up its contents. “Along with cute Toby the Targ medical gowns!”
“What? Who ordered that?” T’Ana snapped at the bright, decorated garments. “This is an outrage! I specifically requisitioned sehlat-themed medical gowns!”
“Hehehehehe!” Tendi giggled waltzing out of Sickbay.
“Whew, I finally finished recalibrating all the induction modulators,” Rutherford popped out from a nearby Jefferies tube. “Now to remodulate the calibration inductors…”
“Wheee!” Tendi laughed skipping up to him. “If your tech is acting absurd! Best have it looked at by Ensign Sam Rutherford!”
“Uh, thanks?” Rutherford blinked at her in confusion.
“With his brain part cybernetic, he’s so kind and energetic! Every conduit and relay he’ll align!” Tendi sang twirling around. “And I'm glad to say he's a very good friend of mine!”
“Awww, thanks Tendi,” Rutherford beamed. “You’re a good friend too! Want to grab some lunch?”
“Yeah!” Tendi cheered as they headed for the Mess Hall. She waved and greeted fellow crewmates as they entered. “Hi there! Enjoying replicated fare?” Tendi leaned over to warn a doubled-over Lieutenant Commander Stevens. “Beware! Of the chili’s side effects!”
“Now she tells me,” Stevens moaned clutching his stomach. “Ohhh!”
“I swear! No other job can compare!” Tendi smiled moving on. “With serving among Starfleet’s lower decks!”
“If you say so,” Rutherford shrugged heading for the line of replicators.
“Come on, why isn’t this working?” Boimler pouted poking at a panel. “I inserted the Senior Officer access card. I should be able to access all the good replicator programs now.”
“For the last time, there’s no such thing as a Senior Officer access card,” Mariner rolled her eyes standing next to him. “I just made that up and handed you a blank isolinear chip to make you feel better.”
“You what?!” Boimler yelped. “Arrrgggh! Not again!”
“Here’s a pair of command ensigns!” Tendi smiled gesturing at her quarreling crewmates. “Each with character of multiple dimensions!”
“That’s one way to put it,” Rutherford remarked.
“You liar!” Boimler accused. “Ferengi scrap peddlers are more honest than you!”
“Flattery will get you nowhere,” Mariner waved. “Just like that bogus access card.”
“Organized, prudent Brad Boimler! Wild, free spirit Beckett Mariner! Different sides of Starfleet’s shifting paradigm!” Tendi grinned ordering a Samarian sunset at the bar. “And I'm glad to say they are very good friends and are friends of mine!”
“Mine too…huh?” Rutherford blinked as the Mess Hall’s replicators began to twitch and rumble ominously. “What the…?”
“Yikes!” Boimler yelped as every replicator suddenly broke free from their stations. “Aaahhh!”
“Whoa!” Mariner blinked as the infected replicators flailed broken lines of opti-cable around and began randomly roaming about the room spewing food. “I’ve heard of meals on the go, but this is ridiculous!”
“Oh, other crews may go where no one has gone before!” Tendi smiled as the rampaging replicators proceeded to run amok. “But there’s one starship they dismiss and too often ignore!”
“Look out! It’s a replicator uprising!” Ensign Casey yelled before being covered in dill pickle brine. “Yuck! Bleah!”
“Who is the gal whom we love to toast?” Tendi grinned raising her glass. “The Cerritos, the Cerritos, the Cerritos!”
“Sound Red Alert! Sound Red Alert!” Captain Freeman’s voice boomed over the ship’s intercom.
“The Cerritos!” Tendi smiled and sipped her drink while her crewmates continued to fight for their lives against the pack of virus-inflected replicators. “Here’s to you, old girl! Cheers!”
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Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek: Lower Decks or the song “The Deadwood Stage (Whip-Crack-Away)”.
