Originally posted on fanfiction.net - Link.
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We're Lower Decks!
“This is terrible!” A female Caldonian scientist wailed while frantically working a control panel. “It is a complete and utter disaster!”
“I know, Salle,” Her male Caldonian colleague grimly studied a monitor. “Our cutting-edge stellar observatory is about to be engulfed by a solar superflare with us still aboard.”
“Who cares about us, Lahau? What about our data?” Salle cried. “Months of priceless research detailing ultra rare, O-type star dynamics is about to go up in flames! Literally!”
“I know. The loss to Science will be incalculable,” Lahau sighed gazing out a window of the observatory orbiting dangerously close to a hot, blue-white star. “Caldonia will long mourn the loss of such a vast trove of irreplaceable scientific knowledge. Oh, and the loss of five dozen of her greatest astronomers, astrochemists and astrophysicists too.”
“Try boosting power to the transceiver array again!” Salle ordered. “We have to transmit the entire contents of the databanks to our backup site before it is too late!”
“It’s no use. The electromagnetic interference from the superflare is too great,” Peyor, one of their other Caldonian colleagues reported. “It is the same interference that prevents us from using long range communications and sensors. Not to mention the escape pods. Any attempt to launch them under these conditions would merely be a form of suicide.”
“I would gladly sacrifice my life if it would mean saving the observatory’s data,” Salle declared dramatically. “Oh, we are doomed! Doomed!”
“So it would seem…wait!” Lahau stared at a screen. “A Federation starship just appeared on short range sensors! It must have received our distress signal before the superflare interfered with communications!”
“Really?” Peyor gasped hopefully. “Hooray! We are saved!”
“Caldonian observatory. This is Captain Carol Freeman,” A commanding voice boomed over the comm. “Stand by for emergency transport.”
“No! We can’t leave yet!” Salle protested as she, Lahau, Peyor and three of their fellow astronomers were suddenly whisked away by transporter beams. “We haven’t set up a secure transmission line for our data!”
“Don’t worry,” Lahau consoled as they materialized inside a bright, clean Federation transporter room. “We will ask the Federation captain to do so as soon as possible.”
“Yo! What up, peoples!” A dark-haired, red-shirted human female wearing a Starfleet uniform greeted them. “Welcome aboard! I’m Beckett Mariner! Move your sweet, saved masses outta the way while checking to see whether you still have your usual number of body appendages!”
“What she means…” A purple-haired, red-shirted human male said shooting his crewmate an annoyed look. “…is please step off the transporter pad and make room for other evacuees.”
“Wait!” Salle yelped frenetically. “We need your help! Our databanks are still aboard the observatory. They must be saved at all cost before the superflare…!”
“I’m sorry, we really can’t linger here,” The human male gently attempted to guide the group of Caldonians out of the room. “We’ll escort you to get checked out by the ship’s Medical personnel and forward your databank request to the Bridge.”
“Yeah, don’t worry about it,” Mariner waved leading them down the corridor. “The science nerds will take care of all that fancy data stuff while Boims and I here take care of you.”
“Okay. Just as long as all our research data is saved,” Salle sighed in relief. “Thank you very much, Captain.”
“Captain?” Boimler glanced at her in surprise. “I’m not the captain.”
“Not for lack of trying,” Mariner quipped.
“You’re not?” Peyor blinked, surprised. “Oh, our apologies. You must be the First Officer.”
“Are you kidding?” Mariner laughed. “Commander Ransom is in Sickbay right now checking on the VIPs while hitting on the ladies. Be glad we’re taking you to the temporary emergency ward setup in Cargo Bay Three instead.”
“Huh?” Salle frowned. “You are taking us to a cargo bay? This is an outrage! I expected more after being rescued by the Enterprise!”
“Uh, this isn’t the Enterprise,” Boimler pointed out.
“It’s not?” Lahau blinked. “Oh, I’m sorry. This must be the Titan.”
“Nope, wrong again,” Mariner chuckled.
“Voyager?” Peyor guessed.
“No.”
“Excalibur?”
“No.”
“da Vinci?”
“Nada.”
“Defiant?”
“Not even close,” Boimler shook his head.
“Then what ship is this?” Peyor gave up.
“I’m glad you asked,” Mariner smiled addressing the group of Caldonian scientists. “Messieurs and mesdames, it is with deepest pride and greatest pleasure that we welcome you aboard!
“Oh geeze,” Boimler rolled his eyes. “And she calls me a ham.”
“And now,” Mariner went on nonchalantly. “We invite you to kick back, do your best to survive…”
“Survive?” Lahau did a take. “Wait, what do you mean by that?”
“As you take in the lesser-known side…” Mariner ignored him pausing dramatically. “…of Starfleet!”
“Huh?” Salle looked very confused. “I do not understand. If this is not a famous, legendary Federation ship and neither of you are its commanding officers, then who exactly are you?”
“Us?” Mariner grinned cheekily. “Why, we’re…Low-er…Decks. Lower Decks! We’re the ones no one respects! Hanging ‘round in the background, ignored. Low pips upon our necks!”
“Oh boy, here we go again,” Boimler sighed.
“Huh?” The Caldonians gawked at Mariner’s startling behavior.
“Cleaning tools! Keeping logs! We’re the scrappy underdogs!” Mariner sang cheerfully while strolling down the hallway. “We don’t get no fame or glory while still adding to the story!”
“That’s one way to put it,” Boimler sighed.
“Quirky minds! Can’t be beat! After all, we are Starfleet!” Mariner grinned skipping about the corridor. “Acting in eccentric ways no one expects!”
“You can say that again,” Salle blinked.
“C’mon, explore the frontier! Fun and laughs are here!” Mariner smiled. “We’re Lower Decks! Lower Decks! Lower Decks!”
“Well, this is highly unusual,” Peyor was stunned. “And I thought O-type stars were puzzling.”
“Does this type of thing happen often?” Lahau asked in shock.
“Oh yeah,” Boimler nodded absently as they ran into a team of engineers working on an exposed series of access panels. “Stuff like this occurs aboard this ship all the time.”
“Man, this is amazing! Have you seen these transmission levels?” Rutherford grinned wielding a hyperspanner. “Filter bands! Calibrate! Phase shift then remodulate! Stabilize and harmonize system waveforms which fluctuate!”
“Case in point,” Boimler groaned.
“Please be careful!” Salle fretted. “Our research data is highly sensitive to certain EM fields!”
“Calm down, Salle,” Lahau said. “I am sure the young officer is more than capable of handing the job.
“Correct flaws! Make repairs! Dealing with entropy’s wears!” Rutherford cheerfully went on about the joys of being an engineer. “Fixing stuff whenever it breaks! Working despite one’s own mistakes!”
“Then again,” Lahau blinked.
“We pull pranks! We play tricks! We take joyrides just for kicks!” Mariner smiled skipping up again. “On the captain’s nerves such hijinks truly vex!”
“Unfortunately,” Boimler moaned.
“See neurons spark and fizz! Down where the action is!” Mariner and Rutherford sang happily along a few other engineering ensigns. “We’re Lower Decks!”
“Madness becks! No telling what happens next!” Mariner warned. “Lower Decks! Lower Decks! Lower Decks!”
“Okay, is this starting to make me feel highly disturbed,” Peyor gulped nervously. “I thought Starfleet officers were supposed to be serious, scientific professionals. Not unconventional maniacs!”
“If only,” Boimler groaned leading the group of disturbed scientists onward. “You have no idea the kind of non-regulation stuff I have to put up with.” He gave the group of Caldonians a look. “Life is so chaotic. For a by-the-book neurotic! With a hole of self-control among one’s peers!”
“Oh no,” Lahau blanched. “Not another one!”
“It is official,” Salle moaned. “Starfleet’s madness is contagious!”
“Ah, the times when protocols are followed,” Boimler smiled fondly. “Outnumbered by insanity gone mad!”
“That is not the only thing that is gone,” Lahau groaned. “The stability of our escorts’ minds for instance…”
“What makes you think they had stable minds to begin with?” Salle asked.
“Light years of devotion! Seeking elusive promotion!” Boimler lamented dramatically. “Working ceaselessly to advance our careers!”
“If only this unorthodox outpouring of audio waves would cease,” Peyor sighed.
“Each day hoping rules will be acknowledged,” Boimler sang before sighing in resignation. “Common sense grows hazy! As the whole darn place goes crazy!”
“No kidding,” Lahau groaned as the party entered Cargo Bay Three.
“Lower Decks! Lower Decks! Using nifty science techs!” Tendi happily skipped about the makeshift emergency ward while scanning shaken Caldonians with her tricorder along with other medical personnel. “Inspecting and dissecting willing and non-willing subjects!”
“Dissecting?!” Lahau gasped. “Just what kind of medical personnel are you?”
“Hyposprays! Ten cc’s! Non-invasive surgeries!” Tendi beamed cheerfully. “Marveling at life’s great wonders! Minimizing any blunders!”
“I had to ask,” Lahau groaned.
“Spouting clear, tongue-friendly techno-terminology!” Tendi cheerfully went on. “With behavior not intended to perplex!”
“Too late,” Salle moaned.
“In the whole galaxy! This is the place to be!” Tendi smiled. “We’re Lower Decks!”
“Lower Decks!” Every ensign in the cargo bay echoed.
“Lower Decks!” Tendi repeated.
“Lower Decks!” Rutherford beamed leading in a crowd of low-ranking engineer and command division personnel.
“Oh no!” Peyor blanched at the sight. “They’re all gone!”
“Lower Decks! Lower Decks! On our own personal treks!” All the Starfleet personnel sang and skipped about animatedly. “Seeking answers to our questions both the simple and complex!”
“Toiling on! Full of verve! Senior officers we serve!” Boimler, Tendi and Rutherford smiled prancing around in unison. “Contributing to the mission! Longing for some recognition!”
“We…break…norms! One by one!” Mariner grinned leading her fellow ensigns in a kick line. “It ain’t neat, but boy it’s fun! We’re the wackiest nuts in Starfleet for parsecs!”
“Character growth is found! As wild antics abound!” Every ensign, petty officer and crewperson danced and roared at the top of their lungs. “Lower Decks! Lower Decks! LOWER DECKS! WE’RE LOOOWEEER DEEEEEEEEECCCKS!”
The crowd of stunned Caldonians stood frozen in complete and utter shock. “Okay,” Peyor finally managed to get out. “What…the heck…was that?”
“It certainly defied all the laws of Science as we know them,” Lahau gaped. “Or will ever be discovered.”
“We should have stayed aboard the observatory and taken our chances with the superflare,” Salle moaned.
“Maybe it is not too late for us to transport back,” Lahau groaned.
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Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek: Lower Decks or the song “Be Our Guest”.
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We're Lower Decks!
“This is terrible!” A female Caldonian scientist wailed while frantically working a control panel. “It is a complete and utter disaster!”
“I know, Salle,” Her male Caldonian colleague grimly studied a monitor. “Our cutting-edge stellar observatory is about to be engulfed by a solar superflare with us still aboard.”
“Who cares about us, Lahau? What about our data?” Salle cried. “Months of priceless research detailing ultra rare, O-type star dynamics is about to go up in flames! Literally!”
“I know. The loss to Science will be incalculable,” Lahau sighed gazing out a window of the observatory orbiting dangerously close to a hot, blue-white star. “Caldonia will long mourn the loss of such a vast trove of irreplaceable scientific knowledge. Oh, and the loss of five dozen of her greatest astronomers, astrochemists and astrophysicists too.”
“Try boosting power to the transceiver array again!” Salle ordered. “We have to transmit the entire contents of the databanks to our backup site before it is too late!”
“It’s no use. The electromagnetic interference from the superflare is too great,” Peyor, one of their other Caldonian colleagues reported. “It is the same interference that prevents us from using long range communications and sensors. Not to mention the escape pods. Any attempt to launch them under these conditions would merely be a form of suicide.”
“I would gladly sacrifice my life if it would mean saving the observatory’s data,” Salle declared dramatically. “Oh, we are doomed! Doomed!”
“So it would seem…wait!” Lahau stared at a screen. “A Federation starship just appeared on short range sensors! It must have received our distress signal before the superflare interfered with communications!”
“Really?” Peyor gasped hopefully. “Hooray! We are saved!”
“Caldonian observatory. This is Captain Carol Freeman,” A commanding voice boomed over the comm. “Stand by for emergency transport.”
“No! We can’t leave yet!” Salle protested as she, Lahau, Peyor and three of their fellow astronomers were suddenly whisked away by transporter beams. “We haven’t set up a secure transmission line for our data!”
“Don’t worry,” Lahau consoled as they materialized inside a bright, clean Federation transporter room. “We will ask the Federation captain to do so as soon as possible.”
“Yo! What up, peoples!” A dark-haired, red-shirted human female wearing a Starfleet uniform greeted them. “Welcome aboard! I’m Beckett Mariner! Move your sweet, saved masses outta the way while checking to see whether you still have your usual number of body appendages!”
“What she means…” A purple-haired, red-shirted human male said shooting his crewmate an annoyed look. “…is please step off the transporter pad and make room for other evacuees.”
“Wait!” Salle yelped frenetically. “We need your help! Our databanks are still aboard the observatory. They must be saved at all cost before the superflare…!”
“I’m sorry, we really can’t linger here,” The human male gently attempted to guide the group of Caldonians out of the room. “We’ll escort you to get checked out by the ship’s Medical personnel and forward your databank request to the Bridge.”
“Yeah, don’t worry about it,” Mariner waved leading them down the corridor. “The science nerds will take care of all that fancy data stuff while Boims and I here take care of you.”
“Okay. Just as long as all our research data is saved,” Salle sighed in relief. “Thank you very much, Captain.”
“Captain?” Boimler glanced at her in surprise. “I’m not the captain.”
“Not for lack of trying,” Mariner quipped.
“You’re not?” Peyor blinked, surprised. “Oh, our apologies. You must be the First Officer.”
“Are you kidding?” Mariner laughed. “Commander Ransom is in Sickbay right now checking on the VIPs while hitting on the ladies. Be glad we’re taking you to the temporary emergency ward setup in Cargo Bay Three instead.”
“Huh?” Salle frowned. “You are taking us to a cargo bay? This is an outrage! I expected more after being rescued by the Enterprise!”
“Uh, this isn’t the Enterprise,” Boimler pointed out.
“It’s not?” Lahau blinked. “Oh, I’m sorry. This must be the Titan.”
“Nope, wrong again,” Mariner chuckled.
“Voyager?” Peyor guessed.
“No.”
“Excalibur?”
“No.”
“da Vinci?”
“Nada.”
“Defiant?”
“Not even close,” Boimler shook his head.
“Then what ship is this?” Peyor gave up.
“I’m glad you asked,” Mariner smiled addressing the group of Caldonian scientists. “Messieurs and mesdames, it is with deepest pride and greatest pleasure that we welcome you aboard!
“Oh geeze,” Boimler rolled his eyes. “And she calls me a ham.”
“And now,” Mariner went on nonchalantly. “We invite you to kick back, do your best to survive…”
“Survive?” Lahau did a take. “Wait, what do you mean by that?”
“As you take in the lesser-known side…” Mariner ignored him pausing dramatically. “…of Starfleet!”
“Huh?” Salle looked very confused. “I do not understand. If this is not a famous, legendary Federation ship and neither of you are its commanding officers, then who exactly are you?”
“Us?” Mariner grinned cheekily. “Why, we’re…Low-er…Decks. Lower Decks! We’re the ones no one respects! Hanging ‘round in the background, ignored. Low pips upon our necks!”
“Oh boy, here we go again,” Boimler sighed.
“Huh?” The Caldonians gawked at Mariner’s startling behavior.
“Cleaning tools! Keeping logs! We’re the scrappy underdogs!” Mariner sang cheerfully while strolling down the hallway. “We don’t get no fame or glory while still adding to the story!”
“That’s one way to put it,” Boimler sighed.
“Quirky minds! Can’t be beat! After all, we are Starfleet!” Mariner grinned skipping about the corridor. “Acting in eccentric ways no one expects!”
“You can say that again,” Salle blinked.
“C’mon, explore the frontier! Fun and laughs are here!” Mariner smiled. “We’re Lower Decks! Lower Decks! Lower Decks!”
“Well, this is highly unusual,” Peyor was stunned. “And I thought O-type stars were puzzling.”
“Does this type of thing happen often?” Lahau asked in shock.
“Oh yeah,” Boimler nodded absently as they ran into a team of engineers working on an exposed series of access panels. “Stuff like this occurs aboard this ship all the time.”
“Man, this is amazing! Have you seen these transmission levels?” Rutherford grinned wielding a hyperspanner. “Filter bands! Calibrate! Phase shift then remodulate! Stabilize and harmonize system waveforms which fluctuate!”
“Case in point,” Boimler groaned.
“Please be careful!” Salle fretted. “Our research data is highly sensitive to certain EM fields!”
“Calm down, Salle,” Lahau said. “I am sure the young officer is more than capable of handing the job.
“Correct flaws! Make repairs! Dealing with entropy’s wears!” Rutherford cheerfully went on about the joys of being an engineer. “Fixing stuff whenever it breaks! Working despite one’s own mistakes!”
“Then again,” Lahau blinked.
“We pull pranks! We play tricks! We take joyrides just for kicks!” Mariner smiled skipping up again. “On the captain’s nerves such hijinks truly vex!”
“Unfortunately,” Boimler moaned.
“See neurons spark and fizz! Down where the action is!” Mariner and Rutherford sang happily along a few other engineering ensigns. “We’re Lower Decks!”
“Madness becks! No telling what happens next!” Mariner warned. “Lower Decks! Lower Decks! Lower Decks!”
“Okay, is this starting to make me feel highly disturbed,” Peyor gulped nervously. “I thought Starfleet officers were supposed to be serious, scientific professionals. Not unconventional maniacs!”
“If only,” Boimler groaned leading the group of disturbed scientists onward. “You have no idea the kind of non-regulation stuff I have to put up with.” He gave the group of Caldonians a look. “Life is so chaotic. For a by-the-book neurotic! With a hole of self-control among one’s peers!”
“Oh no,” Lahau blanched. “Not another one!”
“It is official,” Salle moaned. “Starfleet’s madness is contagious!”
“Ah, the times when protocols are followed,” Boimler smiled fondly. “Outnumbered by insanity gone mad!”
“That is not the only thing that is gone,” Lahau groaned. “The stability of our escorts’ minds for instance…”
“What makes you think they had stable minds to begin with?” Salle asked.
“Light years of devotion! Seeking elusive promotion!” Boimler lamented dramatically. “Working ceaselessly to advance our careers!”
“If only this unorthodox outpouring of audio waves would cease,” Peyor sighed.
“Each day hoping rules will be acknowledged,” Boimler sang before sighing in resignation. “Common sense grows hazy! As the whole darn place goes crazy!”
“No kidding,” Lahau groaned as the party entered Cargo Bay Three.
“Lower Decks! Lower Decks! Using nifty science techs!” Tendi happily skipped about the makeshift emergency ward while scanning shaken Caldonians with her tricorder along with other medical personnel. “Inspecting and dissecting willing and non-willing subjects!”
“Dissecting?!” Lahau gasped. “Just what kind of medical personnel are you?”
“Hyposprays! Ten cc’s! Non-invasive surgeries!” Tendi beamed cheerfully. “Marveling at life’s great wonders! Minimizing any blunders!”
“I had to ask,” Lahau groaned.
“Spouting clear, tongue-friendly techno-terminology!” Tendi cheerfully went on. “With behavior not intended to perplex!”
“Too late,” Salle moaned.
“In the whole galaxy! This is the place to be!” Tendi smiled. “We’re Lower Decks!”
“Lower Decks!” Every ensign in the cargo bay echoed.
“Lower Decks!” Tendi repeated.
“Lower Decks!” Rutherford beamed leading in a crowd of low-ranking engineer and command division personnel.
“Oh no!” Peyor blanched at the sight. “They’re all gone!”
“Lower Decks! Lower Decks! On our own personal treks!” All the Starfleet personnel sang and skipped about animatedly. “Seeking answers to our questions both the simple and complex!”
“Toiling on! Full of verve! Senior officers we serve!” Boimler, Tendi and Rutherford smiled prancing around in unison. “Contributing to the mission! Longing for some recognition!”
“We…break…norms! One by one!” Mariner grinned leading her fellow ensigns in a kick line. “It ain’t neat, but boy it’s fun! We’re the wackiest nuts in Starfleet for parsecs!”
“Character growth is found! As wild antics abound!” Every ensign, petty officer and crewperson danced and roared at the top of their lungs. “Lower Decks! Lower Decks! LOWER DECKS! WE’RE LOOOWEEER DEEEEEEEEECCCKS!”
The crowd of stunned Caldonians stood frozen in complete and utter shock. “Okay,” Peyor finally managed to get out. “What…the heck…was that?”
“It certainly defied all the laws of Science as we know them,” Lahau gaped. “Or will ever be discovered.”
“We should have stayed aboard the observatory and taken our chances with the superflare,” Salle moaned.
“Maybe it is not too late for us to transport back,” Lahau groaned.
--------------------------------------
Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek: Lower Decks or the song “Be Our Guest”.
