Originally posted on fanfiction.net - Link. -------------------------------------- Elementary, Dear Ensigns “Ugh, this is the worst,” Mariner groaned trudging down the corridor. “I’m gonna get Ransom back big time for dumping this lousy assignment on us.” “What are you talking about? This is great duty,” Boimler said walking next to her. “Mentoring the ship’s kindergarteners is a good way to interact with the ship’s young civilian population while introducing core Starfleet ideals and values to the fledging, malleable minds of the next generation of enterprising voyagers of deep space.” “Translation: it’s an easy way for you to fill out your service record and earn responsibility points,” Mariner gave him a look. “And you’re finally given an assignment where you’re the highest-ranking officer in the room while being among individuals of your own mental and emotional maturity.” “Oooo, this is going to be so much fun!” Tendi chirped eagerly while practically bouncing up and down. “I can’t wait to play and hang out with all the kids! I hope I make a good impression. Should I try being more like a ‘big sister’ type or the ‘fun aunt’?” “Don’t ask me. I always get nervous around kids,” Rutherford rubbed his neck awkwardly. “I never know quite what to say or how to act.” “Relax, guys. Interacting with kids is easy,” Boimler assured them. “Just be open, friendly and encourage whatever their young minds are interested in. Believe me, there’s nothing like seeing a child’s face light up as you watch them discover all the wonders and possibilities of the universe.” “Yeah, if you like dealing with short attention spans, nonstop yelling and being pawed at by lots of little, sticky hands and not in a good way,” Mariner grumbled. “Why are you so negative about this?” Tendi glanced at Mariner questioningly. “Don’t you like kids?” “I like influencing, inspiring and riling kids up,” Mariner explained. “Once they’ve become uncontrollable balls of tireless, destructive energy my job is done. Then I dump ‘em off on their poor parents and get way the heck away!” “Gee, I wonder why,” Boimler rolled his eyes. “Children and Starfleet just don’t mix,” Mariner concluded. “Sorry to be so Picard about it, but that’s the way it is.” “Oh, I dunno. I think having kids and families aboard is a great policy,” Tendi smiled. “It really helps keep up the crew’s morale and demonstrates to alien cultures our values of peace and community.” “Yeah. You can’t expect folks to go months or even years without seeing their kids,” Rutherford agreed. “And it’s not like any Starfleet personnel onboard are having to serve with their parents.” “Uh, yeah. What you said,” Mariner whistled innocently. “Here we are,” Boimler smiled as the quartet entered one of the ship’s primary child-care facilities. “Just stay calm and follow my lead.” “Hello!” A neat, dark-haired woman dressed in civilian clothes greeted them. “I’m Ms. Arnemann. Thanks for coming.” “No problem,” Boimler smiled and struck a pose. “We’re Starfleet officers. Courteous diplomats, supportive volunteers, brave explorers…” “Professional hams,” Mariner rolled her eyes. “Want some butter to go with your corny lines Boims or do you think they’re cheesy enough already?” “It’s so nice to have young officers offer to help out around here,” Arnemann continued gratefully. “The children really look forward to your visits.” “Hi, kids!” Tendi smiled at the group of youngsters who were roughly the physical and mental equivalents of typical human five- and six-year-olds. “It’s so nice to meet you! Awww, you’re so cute! Yes you are! Yes you are!” “Uh,” Rutherford gulped and waved hesitantly. “Hi?” “Come on, man. You can do better than that,” Boimler encouraged. “Here, like this.” He bent down and offered one curious child his hand. “Hi there! I’m Ensign Brad Bo…aaahhhhhh!” “Greetings,” The young Vulcan girl innocently squeezed Boimler’s fingers. “Live long and prosper.” “Ow! Please, let go!” Boimler whimpered freeing his crushed hand from the girl’s vise-like grip. “Ohhh, my bones…” “Hey, this could be fun after all,” Mariner snickered. “Oops! Sorry about that,” Arnemann apologized patting the girl’s shoulder. “Young T’Vera is new here and is still learning to physically interact with non-Vulcanoids.” “No kidding,” Boimler groaned. “Here, let me check your hand while I brief you on the rest of the class and give you a few tips,” Arnemann said leading Boimler over to her desk. “Really? Thanks,” Rutherford sighed in relief as he and Mariner followed after them. “I need all the help I can get.” “You’re not the only one,” Mariner quipped indicating Boimler. “Did I do something wrong?” T’Vera asked as the four adults moved away. “Am I in trouble?” “Don’t worry, sweetie. It’s not your fault,” Tendi knelt down and assured her. “Boimler will be just fine. He’s tough. He’s survived way worse things happening to him, trust me.” “I am sorry,” T’Vera turned away while struggling to keep her emotions of guilt and embarrassment from showing. “Awww, come on sweetie. Don’t cry,” Tendi tried to cheer her up. “Hey, how about a treat?” “Treat? You have treats?” Several other children quickly came over upon hearing the word. “Well, not with me. But I know how to get some,” Tendi smiled and happily skipped over to the classroom’s replicator. “Computer, one dish of Thalian chocolate mousse.” “That selection is not available from this station,” The computer replied. “What?” Tendi blinked in surprise. “Why?” “Certain selections have been designated hazardous substances and are not available from this station.” “Oh yeah? We’ll see about that!” Tendi’s fingers quickly flew over the replicator’s control panel. “Hazardous substance designations removed. Full menu selections available,” The computer reported. “That’s better,” Tendi grinned. “Thalian chocolate mousse for everyone!” “Yay!” The complement of kindergarteners cheered. “Here you go, kids!” Tendi smiled as she cheerfully handed out dishes and watched the children eagerly dig into the treats. “Who would like some jumja chews and terra-nut caramel rolls to go with it?” “Oooh, thanks,” Boimler sighed in relief as Arnemann finished treating his hand. “That feels much better.” “Aw, don’t worry about it. Yours aren’t the first bruised fingers we’ve had to treat around here,” Arnemann smiled putting away her basic medkit. “You should have been here when the Brikar triplets were onboard. Doctor T’Ana had to reknit both my fractured feet from the metatarsals up!” “Eh, that’s nothing compared to the mess I made with the triplets’ parents in the bar,” Mariner waved. “Who knew a race resembling massive walking rock statues were such a bunch of lightweights?” “Uh, can we get back to the briefing about the kids?” Rutherford asked hopefully. “Like, what should I do? How should I act? What kind of things should I talk about?” “Don’t worry. I’m sure the kids will be interested in whatever you’d like to share with them,” Arnemann smiled. “They’re really quite an inquisitive and well-behaved group of…” “Einsphar to Arnemann,” A male voice interrupted over the comm. “Can you come over to the pre-K area, Dawn? Little Pflugg crawled into one of the ventilation shafts and we’re having trouble coaxing him back out.” “Again?” Arnemann blinked. “Okay, I’ll be right there.” She closed the comm and addressed the trio of waiting Ensigns. “Can you all handle things here for a while? I should be back in a few minutes.” “Don’t worry, ma’am. We’re Starfleet officers,” Boimler puffed up with pride. “We can do anything!” “Wanna bet?” Mariner quipped as Arnemann quickly left. “Well, might as well get this lame-old duty over with.” “Okay, I can do this,” Rutherford nodded psyching himself up. “They’re just kids. I can interact with kids. Boy, I wish there was a program or manual for this kind of thing.” “A desire shared by generations of parents and child-care providers everywhere,” Boimler sighed heading back towards the kids. “Hey, guys!” Tendi chirped as her friends rejoined her. “This is great! I love kindergarten duty! We gotta be assigned here more often!” “Yeah right. In your dreams,” Mariner muttered. “Uh, why is the floor covered with spoons and dishes?” Rutherford asked glancing at the crowd of very happy kids. “What have you been doing with them?” “Oh, not much,” Tendi shrugged. “One of the kids was feeling a little down, so I just had the replicator whip up some chocolate mousse, ice cream and candy for everyone…” “Candy?” Boimler gasped in horror. “You gave a bunch of kindergarteners chocolate, ice cream and candy?” “Sure. What’s wrong with that?” Tendi asked. -------------------------------------- Five minutes later… “WHEEEEEEEEE!” The crowd of hyperactive kindergarteners happily ran amok around the once-orderly classroom. “Hehehehehe!” Several very energetic children giggled and bounced into each other while zipping around on wheeled chairs padded like bumper cars. “Yahooo!” Another child practically flew by on a souped-up, anti-grav toy scooter. “Pull!” A third child threw an armful of teacher’s padds into the air while a line of kids wielding building blocks used them for target practice. POW! POW! POW! “Ooo, pretty!” A particularly bright-eyed child cackled as several overloaded computer consoles blew up. “AAAHHHHHH! FIRE! FIRE!” Boimler frantically ran up wielding a plasma extinguisher. “DON’T WORRY, KID! I’LL SAVE YOU…OW! NO BITING!” “Help! This is not cool!” Rutherford yelped from where he had been glued upside-down to one of the classroom’s large display screens. “Somebody get me a molecular debonder…hey, who drew all over the walls with paint and crayons?” “Whoever it was did a great job! It looks fabulous!” Tendi oohed grabbing a spare brush. “Let’s do some more!” “Okay, this is just like being trapped in that cave full of primitive, proto-Tholians,” Mariner gulped while huddled behind a bunker made of chairs and overturned tables in the farthest corner of the classroom. “Just need to smile and wave so the little demons know I’m friendly.” “Arrrgggh! Somebody help me with this kid!” Boimler yelled as he chased one particularly wild and agile youngster around. “He’s a Betazoid and keeps reading my mind on how I plan to catch him!” “Try to blank everything out and clear your thoughts, man!” Rutherford called out. “Yeah, just act like you normally do!” Mariner added. “Stop playing around Mariner and help me out here!” A frazzled Boimler futilely attempted to reign in the sugar-fueled youngsters. “Hey kid! Spit those class guinea pigs out of your mouth right now! You Andorians! Stop dueling each other with ushaan-tors! How did you even manage to smuggle those things in here? Agggh, quit setting the teacher’s desk on fire you maniac!” “WHEEEEEEEEE!” One very happy girl giggled scampering by with a smile a mile wide. “AGGGHHH! SOMEBODY GET THAT CRAZY KID OFF THE CEILING!” Boimler shrieked. “Oh, don’t worry about it. She’s Denobulan,” Tendi waved absently while painting the walls. “Hey, she’s even better at using a holo-compass than you are!” “Will somebody please get me down from here?” Rutherford called out. “All the blood is rushing to my hea-aaa-ugggh…” “Connection established,” A pair of young Bynars reported having run a cable from their personal information buffers into Rutherford’s implant. “Interface access granted.” “Good,” One of them checked to make sure Rutherford was unresponsive. “Let’s reprogram him to sing ‘The Laughing Vulcan and His Dog’.” “No, let’s upload the main character parameters from the entire ‘Adventures of Flotter’,” The other Bynar suggested. “Even better!” Both Bynars grinned and began tapping away. “01110011011101010110001101100011011001010111001101110011!” “Ow! Hey, watch it you little brats!” Mariner yelled as thrown toys and objects flew through the air. “Stop waving those mini parrises squares mallets around! You’re gonna put somebody’s eye out with that…” She blinked and shuddered in realization. “Oh no. I’m turning into my mom!” “I’m gonna tell all your moms about this you little terrors!” Boimler vowed as he was pelted with paint and leftover ice cream. “Worse, I’ll tell the captain if you don’t stop this blatant display of…gaaahhh!” “YAAAHHH!” A pair of Bajoran kids leapt on Boimler’s back. “DOWN WITH AUTHORITY! FREEDOM AND LIBERTY NOW!” “Hey, I like the way those kids think,” Mariner commented. “YEEEOOOW! GET OFF ME YOU LITTLE HOOLIGANS!” Boimler yelped. “OW! WATCH THE HAIR!” “Hi there!” A beaming Rutherford animatedly strode up while speaking in a funny voice. He wore only the front half of his uniform like an old-fashioned paper doll. The rest of his torn clothing was still stuck to the wall. “My name’s Flotter! Who’s up for an adventure?” “What the?” Mariner did a double-take at the sight. “Oh man! It’s getting hard to tell who are the kids and who are the adults!” “AAAGGGHHH! WILL YOU PEOPLE QUIT MESSING AROUND AND PAY ATTENTION TO ME FOR ONCE?!” Boimler cried stamping his feet. “STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!” “Of course, some people were already pretty borderline to begin with,” Mariner quipped. “Turbolifts on the ship go up and down!” Tendi sang and danced around with several kids with her face painted up like a sehlat. “Up and down! All around!” “Oooo, that sounds like fun!” Rutherford grinned and began flopping around on the floor. “Come on kids! I’ll turn myself into a waterfall and you can slip down me like a slide!” “WE WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS OPPRESSION!” More kids joined their classmates in tackling Boimler around his knees. “POWER TO THE CHILDREN!” “GIVE ME BACK MY COMBADGE YOU LITTLE…AAAHHHHHH!” Boimler screamed as he was overwhelmed. “WAAAGGGHHH! CALL SECURITY! HAVE THEM SET PHASERS TO…OH NO…HAHAHA…STOP TICKLING ME…HAHAHA…LET ME GO…HAHAHAHA…HELP! MARINER!” “Are you nuts?” Mariner sneaked a peek over her makeshift barricade. “I’ve been in no-holds-barred firefights with Cardassians, Breen, Chalnoth, Klingons and Nausciaans! There’s no way in heck I’m going out there! I know when I’m outmatched!” “Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match! Align me a sine! Synch me a hatch!” Rutherford sang and twirled about while tracing various waveform patterns in the air. “Huh, I didn’t know Rutherford wore boxers,” Mariner blinked at her friend’s semi-exposed state. “I always figured him more of a briefs man.” “This is getting boring,” One of the Bynar children frowned at Rutherford’s performance. “I agree,” The other Bynar held up a small remote-like device. “Let’s switch him to a different program.” “Ha! Can’t catch me!” Tendi laughed ducking a flying cushion as she played with several kids in what appeared to be a cross between a pillow fight and tag. “If only I could say the same…AAAHHHHHH!” Boimler screamed as several Vulcan children picked him up and began easily tossing him around like a ball. “WAAAHHHHHH! PUT ME DOWN! UGGGHHH, I’M GONNA BE SICK! HELP!” “Well, looks like there’s only one thing to do,” Mariner concluded at the chaos. “Hack into the ship’s visual logs and get all this on a data chip.” “Pitch it in there! Strike him out!” The team of Boimler-tossing children chanted. “ARE YOU KIDS CRAZY?!” Boimler howled. “VULCANS DON’T PLAY BASEBALL!” “Well, not usually,” Mariner mused. “But an old buddy told me this one story during a layover at Deep Space Nine…” “Grrr! Hi, kids! I’m Toby the Targ!” Rutherford growled playfully while crawling around on his hands and knees. “Who’d like to hear a story I wrote myself?” “Oooh, I love stories!” Tendi smiled patting Rutherford on the head. “See? I knew you’d be great with kids!” “Grrr! Thank you, ma’am! Snort!” Rutherford grinned nuzzling her leg. “WAAAUUUGGGHHH! SOMEBODY HELP ME!” Boimler screamed from where a gang of kids had somehow managed to string him up upside-down from the ceiling. “OW! STOP HITTING ME WITH TOY ION MALLETS YOU LITTLE BRATS! I’M NOT A PIÑATA! OW!” “Candy! Candy! We want more candy!” The hungry kids chanted. “NO CANDY! NO CANDY!” Boimler yelled. “OW!” “Ya know, these little munchkins are starting to grow on me,” Mariner smirked emerging from her hiding place. “Hey kids! Wanna take a field trip?” “A field trip?” Half the kids turned to face her. “Neat! Where?” “Hmmm, how about Commander Ransom’s office?” Mariner grinned wickedly. “I bet he’d love to have a visit from a bunch of wild, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed youngsters like you!” “YAY!” The kids cheered. “Great! Let’s go!” Mariner eagerly led her mob of excited followers toward the door. “Bring lots of paint along to help decorate Ransom’s office! Along with glue, glitter, streamers, a few other supplies…” “HEY, WHERE ARE YOU GOING? YOU CAN’T JUST LEAVE ME HERE!” Boimler shrieked. “OW! WILL YOU KIDS QUIT HITTING ME IN THE…WHAT THE? HEY YOU! THE BOLIAN! PUT THOSE SCISSORS DOWN! YOU COULD HURT YOURSELF…WAIT! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? LEGGO MY HAIR! STOP! HELP! GET AWAY FROM ME! NOOOOOOOOO!” “You know what? I was wrong,” Mariner grinned as the madness reigned around her. “I love kids!” -------------------------------------- Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek: Lower Decks or the songs "The Wheels on the Bus" and "Matchmaker".
The moment the hazard controls were removed from the replicator, the rest was inevitable... Actually, the kids aren't that different from Boimler and Mariner - just somewhat more energetic. Fun as always - Thanks!! rbs