Originally posted on fanfiction.net - Link.
Note: This story takes place during the episode "Moist Vessel".
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Breakdown Boimler
“This can’t be happening!” Boimler yelled clutching his hair. “It has to be a dream! It’s not real!”
“Whoa, calm down, man,” Rutherford soothed holding up his hand. He, Tendi and Boimler were sitting in the Mess Hall having lunch. “I think it’s great Mariner earned a promotion to lieutenant. Good for her!”
“Yeah, yay Mariner,” Tendi waved absently. Several books and lit candles sat around her untouched lunch. “So she moved up in rank, big deal. It’s not like she was trying to ascend to a higher plane of existence or anything.”
“That’s just it. She wasn’t trying!” Boimler cried with his voice getting higher and higher. “Mariner never tries hard at anything! She’s always ignoring her studies and slacking off all the time! She’s the most laid-back person on the ship!”
“What about Fletcher?” Rutherford asked. “He’s kind of a slacker. I mean sure he’s great at defusing potentially volatile situations, but there’s something off about him I just can’t put my finger on…”
“What’s so bad about slacking off? Slacking off can be relaxing,” Tendi muttered to herself. “Sure, it may not be as effective as spending two years laying a sand mandala, but it can calm you down and help one achieve inner peace.”
“And get this, Mariner was promoted to full lieutenant!” Boimler began to hyperventilate. “She skipped over the rank of lieutenant, junior grade completely! How could the captain do something like that?”
“Uh, because she’s the captain,” Rutherford pointed out. “It’s her ship and she has the final word when it comes to personnel evaluations. She can promote anyone she wants.”
“Can she promote someone to become a being of pure energy?” Tendi asked hopefully. “She should have the power to do that. She’s a Starfleet captain for crying out loud! That’s about as powerful as anyone can get!”
“Promotions don’t work that way. They shouldn’t work that way,” Boimler babbled desperately. “I should lodge an anonymous complaint with Starfleet’s Department of Personnel Resources. Say the captain violated protocol regarding the proper promotion of officers.”
“I think that might be a little extreme,” Rutherford munched on his lunch while watching Boimler’s behavior become more and more erratic. “You’re overreacting to all this, man. You gotta back off.”
“No! I am not backing off!” Boimler declared. “I am going to find out how Mariner merited a promotion even if it kills me!”
“That’s it! I could kill O’Connor!” Tendi exclaimed. “What better way to help his mental body move on to the transcendental realm by eliminating his physical body in this one?”
“What did Mariner do? Bribe the captain? Smooze her? Blackmail her?” Boimler rambled. “She must have influenced her somehow!”
“Maybe Captain Freeman just realized what a good job she’s been doing lately,” Rutherford suggested. “It’s not like Mariner has a secret connection with the captain that she hasn’t told us about.”
“Yes, got to find a way to connect with O’Connor,” Tendi muttered. “I could align his chakras. Try to trigger a Zalkonian-like metamorphosis. Give him Vulcan neuro-pressure.”
“What am I saying? Even Mariner couldn’t have that much sway over the captain,” Boimler banged his head on the table. “That means the captain promoted her of her own free will!”
“Man, you really gotta get a hold of yourself,” Rutherford warned. “Skipping over one rank isn’t exactly unheard of. It’s probably some obscure protocol reserved for special occasions like saving the ship from a hostile force without resorting to using conventional weapons. Promote whoever’s responsible and then transfer them off the ship.”
“Yeah right, like that could ever happen,” Boimler snorted. “Anyway, Mariner didn’t receive a battlefield promotion. It was an irregular promotion! She’s now the new Operations Officer and part of the ship’s senior staff!”
“Okay, that is a pretty big jump,” Rutherford admitted. “Still, Mariner does have a lot of practical ship, space and away team experience. It’s not like she’s some cocky, untried third-year cadet the captain suddenly decided to make First Officer.”
“Shhh! Don’t even suggest something like that! You might give the captain ideas!” Boimler gasped in horror and glanced around nervously. “Such a terrifyingly unrealistic event could only happen in some deranged, demented and twisted universe.”
“Yes, must find a way to have O’Connor become one with the universe,” Tendi chanted maniacally. “I’ll pour over ancient meditative texts. I’ll read every megaquad about xenospirituality I can get my hands on. O’Connor will be ascending by the end of the day. He won’t know what hit him!”
“Just like Boimler,” Rutherford watched his friend slump across the table. “Look, man. Mariner didn’t do anything wrong in order to get promoted. You gotta stop focusing on her.”
“You’re right,” Boimler sat up with wide eyes. “It’s the captain who I should be focusing on!”
“Uh,” Rutherford blinked. “That’s not exactly what I meant…”
“Yes, that’s it! I’ve got to help O’Connor focus on not focusing,” Tendi muttered flipping through a thick book. “Mastering mindfulness will mean he’ll finally like me…er, I mean, likely achieve enlightenment!”
“Aha! I see it now! It’s so obvious!” Boimler yelled in realization. “Something must be wrong with the captain! That’s why she’s been acting so abnormal and out of character!”
“It’s not the captain who is acting abnormal,” Rutherford sighed.
“Something must be impairing her decision-making process,” Boimler ranted insanely. “That explains why she choose to promote Mariner, impose strict scheduling on herself and institute the Boimler Effect! She must be under some kind of alien influence! Like pod plant spores or a non-corporeal entity possession or some kind of parasite!”
“Um, I really doubt any member of the crew would ever be unknowingly infected by a parasite,” Rutherford gave Boimler a look. “Why does Mariner’s unexpected promotion bother you so much? Are you jealous or something?”
“No! Of course I’m not jealous,” Boimler insisted holding his head. “I’m just confused as all heck! It doesn’t make sense! I don’t understand it!”
“Got to make O’Connor understand. Got to get through to him,” Tendi flipped through a book. “Oooh, I could lead him in a Bajoran cleansing chant. He’ll like that, won’t he?”
“Man, and I thought command training simulations were hard,” Rutherford sighed finishing off his lunch. “Look man, instead of continuing to speculate about Mariner’s promotion, why don’t you discover why she was promoted and then do whatever she did so that you can be promoted too?”
“Are you suggesting I find out how to be more like Mariner?” Boimler gasped at him in shock. “That’s brilliant!”
“Eh, if you say so,” Rutherford shrugged modestly.
“Yes, I’ll investigate Mariner thoroughly! I’ll discover her secrets and model my behavior on hers!” Boimler declared leaping to his feet. “I can practically feel the captain presenting me with my own shiny, new lieutenant’s pip!” He tossed his messy lunch tray into a replicator and ran out of the Mess Hall. “PROMOTION WILL BE MINE!”
“If that’s what you really want, man. Good luck!” Rutherford called after him. “Huh, and I thought random power fluctuations in the tractor beam were wild.”
“Hey Rutherford. You’re an engineer. Can you help me solve this situation with O’Connor?” Tendi asked hopefully. “Do you know what happened when I offered him a Hiverian metronome? He grabbed it out of my hands and smashed it to pieces right in my face!”
“Then again,” Rutherford mused. “Power amplitudes are nothing compared to the emotional intensity levels that constantly exist on this ship!”
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Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek: Lower Decks.
Note: This story takes place during the episode "Moist Vessel".
--------------------------------------
Breakdown Boimler
“This can’t be happening!” Boimler yelled clutching his hair. “It has to be a dream! It’s not real!”
“Whoa, calm down, man,” Rutherford soothed holding up his hand. He, Tendi and Boimler were sitting in the Mess Hall having lunch. “I think it’s great Mariner earned a promotion to lieutenant. Good for her!”
“Yeah, yay Mariner,” Tendi waved absently. Several books and lit candles sat around her untouched lunch. “So she moved up in rank, big deal. It’s not like she was trying to ascend to a higher plane of existence or anything.”
“That’s just it. She wasn’t trying!” Boimler cried with his voice getting higher and higher. “Mariner never tries hard at anything! She’s always ignoring her studies and slacking off all the time! She’s the most laid-back person on the ship!”
“What about Fletcher?” Rutherford asked. “He’s kind of a slacker. I mean sure he’s great at defusing potentially volatile situations, but there’s something off about him I just can’t put my finger on…”
“What’s so bad about slacking off? Slacking off can be relaxing,” Tendi muttered to herself. “Sure, it may not be as effective as spending two years laying a sand mandala, but it can calm you down and help one achieve inner peace.”
“And get this, Mariner was promoted to full lieutenant!” Boimler began to hyperventilate. “She skipped over the rank of lieutenant, junior grade completely! How could the captain do something like that?”
“Uh, because she’s the captain,” Rutherford pointed out. “It’s her ship and she has the final word when it comes to personnel evaluations. She can promote anyone she wants.”
“Can she promote someone to become a being of pure energy?” Tendi asked hopefully. “She should have the power to do that. She’s a Starfleet captain for crying out loud! That’s about as powerful as anyone can get!”
“Promotions don’t work that way. They shouldn’t work that way,” Boimler babbled desperately. “I should lodge an anonymous complaint with Starfleet’s Department of Personnel Resources. Say the captain violated protocol regarding the proper promotion of officers.”
“I think that might be a little extreme,” Rutherford munched on his lunch while watching Boimler’s behavior become more and more erratic. “You’re overreacting to all this, man. You gotta back off.”
“No! I am not backing off!” Boimler declared. “I am going to find out how Mariner merited a promotion even if it kills me!”
“That’s it! I could kill O’Connor!” Tendi exclaimed. “What better way to help his mental body move on to the transcendental realm by eliminating his physical body in this one?”
“What did Mariner do? Bribe the captain? Smooze her? Blackmail her?” Boimler rambled. “She must have influenced her somehow!”
“Maybe Captain Freeman just realized what a good job she’s been doing lately,” Rutherford suggested. “It’s not like Mariner has a secret connection with the captain that she hasn’t told us about.”
“Yes, got to find a way to connect with O’Connor,” Tendi muttered. “I could align his chakras. Try to trigger a Zalkonian-like metamorphosis. Give him Vulcan neuro-pressure.”
“What am I saying? Even Mariner couldn’t have that much sway over the captain,” Boimler banged his head on the table. “That means the captain promoted her of her own free will!”
“Man, you really gotta get a hold of yourself,” Rutherford warned. “Skipping over one rank isn’t exactly unheard of. It’s probably some obscure protocol reserved for special occasions like saving the ship from a hostile force without resorting to using conventional weapons. Promote whoever’s responsible and then transfer them off the ship.”
“Yeah right, like that could ever happen,” Boimler snorted. “Anyway, Mariner didn’t receive a battlefield promotion. It was an irregular promotion! She’s now the new Operations Officer and part of the ship’s senior staff!”
“Okay, that is a pretty big jump,” Rutherford admitted. “Still, Mariner does have a lot of practical ship, space and away team experience. It’s not like she’s some cocky, untried third-year cadet the captain suddenly decided to make First Officer.”
“Shhh! Don’t even suggest something like that! You might give the captain ideas!” Boimler gasped in horror and glanced around nervously. “Such a terrifyingly unrealistic event could only happen in some deranged, demented and twisted universe.”
“Yes, must find a way to have O’Connor become one with the universe,” Tendi chanted maniacally. “I’ll pour over ancient meditative texts. I’ll read every megaquad about xenospirituality I can get my hands on. O’Connor will be ascending by the end of the day. He won’t know what hit him!”
“Just like Boimler,” Rutherford watched his friend slump across the table. “Look, man. Mariner didn’t do anything wrong in order to get promoted. You gotta stop focusing on her.”
“You’re right,” Boimler sat up with wide eyes. “It’s the captain who I should be focusing on!”
“Uh,” Rutherford blinked. “That’s not exactly what I meant…”
“Yes, that’s it! I’ve got to help O’Connor focus on not focusing,” Tendi muttered flipping through a thick book. “Mastering mindfulness will mean he’ll finally like me…er, I mean, likely achieve enlightenment!”
“Aha! I see it now! It’s so obvious!” Boimler yelled in realization. “Something must be wrong with the captain! That’s why she’s been acting so abnormal and out of character!”
“It’s not the captain who is acting abnormal,” Rutherford sighed.
“Something must be impairing her decision-making process,” Boimler ranted insanely. “That explains why she choose to promote Mariner, impose strict scheduling on herself and institute the Boimler Effect! She must be under some kind of alien influence! Like pod plant spores or a non-corporeal entity possession or some kind of parasite!”
“Um, I really doubt any member of the crew would ever be unknowingly infected by a parasite,” Rutherford gave Boimler a look. “Why does Mariner’s unexpected promotion bother you so much? Are you jealous or something?”
“No! Of course I’m not jealous,” Boimler insisted holding his head. “I’m just confused as all heck! It doesn’t make sense! I don’t understand it!”
“Got to make O’Connor understand. Got to get through to him,” Tendi flipped through a book. “Oooh, I could lead him in a Bajoran cleansing chant. He’ll like that, won’t he?”
“Man, and I thought command training simulations were hard,” Rutherford sighed finishing off his lunch. “Look man, instead of continuing to speculate about Mariner’s promotion, why don’t you discover why she was promoted and then do whatever she did so that you can be promoted too?”
“Are you suggesting I find out how to be more like Mariner?” Boimler gasped at him in shock. “That’s brilliant!”
“Eh, if you say so,” Rutherford shrugged modestly.
“Yes, I’ll investigate Mariner thoroughly! I’ll discover her secrets and model my behavior on hers!” Boimler declared leaping to his feet. “I can practically feel the captain presenting me with my own shiny, new lieutenant’s pip!” He tossed his messy lunch tray into a replicator and ran out of the Mess Hall. “PROMOTION WILL BE MINE!”
“If that’s what you really want, man. Good luck!” Rutherford called after him. “Huh, and I thought random power fluctuations in the tractor beam were wild.”
“Hey Rutherford. You’re an engineer. Can you help me solve this situation with O’Connor?” Tendi asked hopefully. “Do you know what happened when I offered him a Hiverian metronome? He grabbed it out of my hands and smashed it to pieces right in my face!”
“Then again,” Rutherford mused. “Power amplitudes are nothing compared to the emotional intensity levels that constantly exist on this ship!”
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Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek: Lower Decks.
